The Curse of the Weretroll
by Priest of Life
Summary: John wakes up one day before school to find that he's beginning to change. With the help of his friends, he must find a way to change back before it's too late and he's stuck like that forever. AU, slightly Trollstuck. It's Homestuck, so of course it's going to be rated T.
1. Chapter 1

**Author: So, I've decided to start a new story on top of the one I am currently working on. I'm Hoping it'll turn out good. Enjoy.**

* * *

It Begins

It was a normal day, just like always. The humans and the trolls lived together because, well, when you win the game, you just don't know anyone in the universe you created. The humans and the trolls didn't know if the new race was naturally hostile, naturally good, or naturally half 'n half, so they decided it would be best if they stuck together.

Upon entering their new universe, their Godhead separated from their mortal bodies to become the gods of that universe, leaving them to live their lives as mortal beings. This, of course, pissed everyone off because they thought they deserved immortality after all the shit they were put through in the game.

Earth had once again been relocated into a stable orbit around a star similar to its original sun. All of the creatures that evolved on the planet were strikingly similar to the humans—so similar, that unless looked closely upon, as in the fingerprints, you would never notice a difference. Never. This meant that the eight humans could roam around freely as they pleased. The remaining trolls, however, could not without getting frightened looks from everyone because of their horns.

John and Jane had been reunited with their father, and though being biological mother and son, lived together with him as brother and sister.

The same can be said for Dirk and Dave. They were reunited with Dave's bro and Dirk's Bro, who, though being biological father and son, lived together as brothers while continuing to raise their biological son/father as brothers. Dave and Dirk continued their lives as brothers, though they were biological father and son. **Confused yet?**

Rose and Roxy were reunited with their moms. The two of them, though being biological mother and daughter, raised their biological mother/daughter as daughters. Roxy and Rose, though biological mother and daughter, lived together as siblings.

Jade and Jake were reunited with Grandpa Harley and Grandma. Though the two of them being biological father and daughter, they raised the two biological father and daughter as brother and sister. They also acted as their parents. Jade and Jake, though being biological father and daughter, lived together with their biological father/daughter as siblings. **How about now?**

Nana Egbert and Poppop, though being biological father and daughter, acted as Grandpa Harley's, Grandma's and Dad's parents, as well as Jade's, John's, Jake's and Jane's grandparents.

And all was peaceful in the families.

Yet, we still do not know about the remaining trolls.

_What about them?_

Well, I was about to talk about them until you interrupted.

_Oh, sorry._

Uh huh.

Now, the trolls were never reunited with their lusii or dancestors, mainly because their lusii were completely obliterated and had no souls to reap from the outer ring, and their dancestors were dead for far too long. Therefore, in order not to be hunted down or ridiculed by this new human-like species they had all created, they took up residence with the humans. Karkat and Gamzee took up residence with John and Jane. Terezi took up residence with Dirk and Dave. Aradia stayed in the furthest ring. Sollux decided to stay with Jade and Jake, because Jade was the most tolerable to him, and Kanaya took up residence with Rose and Roxy, mainly because of her matespritship with Rose.

However, there was a problem with this. None of the guardians have ever seen a troll before, and were most likely to freak the fuck out if they happened to see, say Kanaya and Rose, or Karkat and John (yes, they are in a stable, "active" matespritship) making out. Therefore, the humans came up with a plan. They would use makeup and human clothing to disguise the trolls as humans, or whatever the new species is called and it was all successful, until one day, when John woke up…

This brings us back to "It was a normal day, just like always." John's alarm woke him up, telling him that it was time to get ready for school. He liked school in this universe exceptionally more than in his old universe because the kids here were nicer. They were all more than happy to help out.

He went into the bathroom and stripped down to take a shower. After getting out he wiped off the mirror to shave, brush his teeth, and comb his hair when he saw something in the mirror. Well…he didn't actually notice something more as to think there was something different about his appearance. He scans over his face. He runs his hands around to feel for any difference. He does this with his chest, back, legs, and other areas as well. Nothing. He must be imagining things.

After he gets out of the bathroom he goes down to the kitchen where Jane sits at the table eating breakfast made by their father: homemade biscuits and gravy. This was the one thing that John actually enjoyed eating that his father made because it wasn't Betty Crocker's recipe, until he found out that Betty Crocker was his adoptive great-grandmother and that she came up with the recipe, which was passed down the generations. Then he detested them just like everything else that came out of an oven.

He grabs his lunch that Dad had packed for him and begins to head out to his truck when his dad speaks up, "John, are your eyes bloodshot?"

"Uh, no. I don't think they are." He walks into another bathroom just off the kitchen and looks in the mirror. Sure enough, his father was right. His eyes were bloodshot. "What the—" he mutters to himself.

"It appears that they are." He calls out.

"Please don't tell me you're coming down with the same thing as Karkat," his father says. Karkat had recently come down with a case of the flu, so he wasn't going to school today. Gamzee had told them that he would stay home and take care of his rekindled moirail while so everyone else can go to school and work. He thought it would give him and Karkat enough time to fully get back into their dedicated moirailship.

"Dad, I can't catch what Karkat has," John says.

"Why not?"

"Well…uh…I got my flu shot a couple months ago."

"Uh huh. Of course you did."

"I did."

"Okay. Just go to school already."

"What about me," Jane pipes up.

"John, take Jane to school."

"Okay. Jane, come on. I'm not waiting."

"John, I haven't even finished breakfast," Jane complains as she gets up and rushes out to the truck with John.

"It's Betty Crocker. You'd be better off without it," John says back to her.

"Whatever. Just drive already," Jane replies as she buckles in. John doesn't bother to put on his belt. This is a first. "John, aren't you going to put your belt on?"

"No, why?"

"Because you always do. To you, safety is numéro un, as you always say. Seriously, that gets to me too. Why don't you say it right: numero uno."

"Numéro un is French, not Spanish. And I don't know why I'm not wearing my seat belt. I just feel like I don't need it. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel…tougher."

"Tougher? Just last night you got a paper cut and cried until Dad reassured you you were going to live! You don't just go from _that_ to 'tougher' in one night."

"Like I said, I don't know how to describe it."

* * *

At school Rose and Kanaya met with John and Jane at the door. Upon seeing John they automatically tilted their heads as if they were freaked out about something. "Uh, John," Kanaya says, "are you feeling well?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, it's just…it's…I don't know how to tell you this…but…"

"John, what Kanaya is trying to say is…well…your eyes…"

"I know. They're bloodshot. I don't know what's happening. Karkat has some weird troll disease and now Dad is worried I'm getting it too."

Jane walks in front of John and looks at his eyes. "John, your eyes are more than just bloodshot now."

"What?"

"Rose, hand him your mirror," Kanaya says.

Rose hands John the small mirror in her makeup bag. He looks at his eyes and stares in horror. The whites were no longer whites. They were a pale orange surrounding what used to be completely blue irises. His irises had developed small red rings around them with a slightly deeper shade reaching in toward his pupils. "Kanaya, what's happening to me?"

"I don't know. Just because I'm a troll and I've studied your race doesn't mean that know everything about it. I can't just snap my fingers and all the answers will appear—"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it: you don't know. I was just wondering if you would know something. Rose?"

"I don't know what's wrong either, John."

"Damn it. I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"John, it's okay," Jane says. We'll just use some of the makeup that we use on the trolls to color your eyes just like we do to theirs. It's no big deal."

"But you must be warned, John," Kanaya begins, "it does feel a little uncomfortable the first couple of times."

"I don't care. Make me up."


	2. Chapter 2

It Continues

Jane, Rose, and Kanaya have John tied up and gagged so he won't scream or try to stop them. Yes it was his own choice. The others agreed that it was probably best they do it.

Before they get started, John is able to spit out the gag. "You know, I'm beginning to have second thoughts," he says nervously.

"And how else do you expect to look normal..er," Jane asks, trying to gag him again.

"We could speak to the godheads. Jade's could probably use her space powers to make my eyes appear white."

"Why exactly would they do that," Kanaya asks. "They haven't helped us out one bit since the separation."

"I know bu—mmh mh m mnmmh" Jane shoves the towel back in his mouth and duct tapes it shut so he can't spit it out again. It silences him—for the most part.

"I'm sorry John, but you wanted this," she says, almost apologetically. Almost.

Rose opens a small box in her makeup pouch. She takes out a small bottle of liquid. It looks like eye drops, really white eye drops. She reaches back into her makeup pouch again and pulls out a small paintbrush.

She puts a couple drops on the fine tip of the brush, letting it cover the entire thing evenly. While she does this, Kanaya gets a couple of black contact lenses out of her purse. Jane holds the squirming John's head still while Kanaya puts the contacts on his irises and pupils, completely blinding him. "This is so you don't know what's happening or when we're going to do it. it'll make this a whole lot easier," she says reassuringly."

"Mnhmhm nm hnmn mmnhnm mh," was John's angry (possibly?) reply. It was all he was able to respond with.

Jane keeps a strong hold on John's head as to not warn him of anything. Rose comes up and pries open his right eye. She lightly touches the brush to it and begins to move it and apply the white eye paint when John begins to scream and attempt to wiggle away in pain.

"Shh! John, shush," Rose says in a little whisper-yell. "Do you want everyone to know you're in the girls' locker room?" They had to use the girls' locker room because the girls don't have any practice in the morning like the boys do, so there would be no showers or anyone to interrupt them.

A tear slips down John's face. "Kanaya, can you hold a paper towel right there," Rose points to the tear duct just under John's eye, "so that the tears don't come out and ruin the paint before it dries?"

"Yes. Hold on, I'll go get one." She comes back ten seconds later with a small paper towel and holds it against John's tear duct. With each stroke of the brush he tries to close his eye to hold back the pain. After the paint dries Rose takes an even finer-tipped brush and brushes on red blood vessels around the outside of the eye. After that she does the same thing to the other eye.

Once the paint dries on both, Kanaya takes the black contacts off John's eyes. "John, I'm sorry to say this, but we aren't quite finished yet."

"mnhgmhmhmghmmm mm hnmnnhhn hgmmnhmhgm?!"

"We still have your irises to do."

"That's right, John," Rose says, washing white paint off the brush. "They won't take as long though." She dries the brush off and this time puts blue eye paint on it while Kanaya puts a pair of smaller black contacts on John's pupils. They barely fit, but to make sure it covers them completely and that he can't see at all she has Jane shine a bright flashlight on his eyes, making the pupils shrink. John is once again blind to what the three girls are doing.

Rose touches the brush again to John's iris. He wiggles around even more and lets out an even more horrendous muffled scream before Jane pinches his nose shut. "There, just a few more seconds and I'll let him get air. She unpinches his nose as soon as rose is finished with that iris. John takes a much needed breath of air.

"To be fair, I did warn you it isn't going to be comfortable," Kanaya says.

"Mh nnmhgh mm." John says(?) angrily.

Rose repeats the process on the other eye. John repeats his actions accordingly. After that dries she takes the finer brush, rinses it off, dries it off, and paints in the details on John's irises with a darker shade of blue. "There, it almost looks completely normal."

Jane unties John, who is quick to rip the duct tape off his mouth and spit out the small towel used as a gag. "Ow! You said it was uncomfortable but you didn't say it would fucking hurt!"

"John, please keep your voice down," Kanaya says. "Remember you're still in the girls' locker room.

"I don't care, just get me out of here unnoticed."

Jane, Rose, and Kanaya line up in front of John to hide him as they exit the locker room. No one seems to be paying attention so they split up as soon as they were out the door.

"Hey, look," some kid shouts, "Egbert was in the girls' locker room!"

"Oh my gog, I knew this was a bad idea," John mutters.

"Well, you're the one that came up with it," Jane says.

"Would this be not the right time to say that I have the absolute weirdest boner right now," John whispers in Rose's ear.

"Absolutely," she whispers back.

"I mean seriously, it like, is feeling itself."

* * *

**Suddenly Karkat**

Karkat lies in his bed. His stomach feels like shit. Everyone is pretty sure it's a troll bug that migrated with them into the game—dormant of course. Gog does he wish he could just keel over and die. It was originally thought to be a respiratory infection, but that changed this morning when he got this human symptom that Jade called _diarrhea_.

_Woo fucking hoo_.

It was horrible. He felt like he was peeing out of his butt. The worst part about it, besides the fact that it was unstoppable, was the fact that it seemed like chunky water just coming out everywhere. It is debatable as to who felt happier that he made it to the toilet in time: him, or everyone else in the Egbert/Crocker/ Vantas/Makara residence.

He's been like this for three days now. It started on Friday night, so everyone was able to stay up to take care of him. Now it's Monday and everyone has either school or work. He definitely didn't want Dad coming in to take care of him since he can't wear any disguise because of his sickness. Therefore, Gamzee volunteered to stay and do all that. around 7:30 a.m. his grub phone rang. "No, don't move a motherfuckin' inch, Karbro," Gamzee said. "I got it."

"Sup?"

"Gamzee?" it's John.

"Oh, you."

"Yeah, I'm not too thrilled you picked up either. Just hand the phone to Karkat, if he's feeling well enough to talk."

"He motherfucking isn't."

"Well, is he even awake?"

"Yes."

"Well, then can you…are you sober?!"

"Only slightly."

"Go do something to get completely high, then ask Karkat this question: How do I block the pain from rose painting my eyes?"

"Uh…you do realize that I am a motherfuckin' troll as well, and also have to suffer that, right?"

"Yes but I think it's clear that I don't trust you."

"Look, the short motherfuckin' answer is, no, you can't."

"Then how do you put up with it?"

"Do you not realize that I am constantly high?"

"Right, but you still said that I can't block it."

"You can't. I can put up with it because I'm just always too high to even motherfuckin' care. That doesn't motherfuckin' mean I can block the motherfuckin' pain. It hurts like motherfuckin' hell."

"That could have been mentioned by at least Kanaya before I thought to do that to hide my…uh…'new'…eyes."

"Whatever. Look, as much as I motherfuckin' hate talkin' to ya, I have to take care of Karbro, so I gotta get off here."

"Whatever." John hangs up.

Karkat heard the entire conversation, or, at least Gamzee's side of it. He kind of figured who he was talking to and what they were talking about, judging by the tone of his voice. "Gamzee," he squeaks out weakly.

"What, Karbro?"

"Why does John need his eyes painted?"

"I don't know—somethin' about his eyes being bloodshot or whatever that means."

"Oh." Karkat rolls over on his right side. Now facing towards the wall he falls asleep.

* * *

**Suddenly John…again**

It is now noon. B lunch is just starting. John, Rose, Sollux, and Dirk all have lunch together.

Upon sitting down, Dirk notices a slight change in John's appearance that somehow missed the typically well-attentive Rose. "John,"

"What, Dirk?"

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah…well, except for my eyes, which had to be painted over because they're orange. Why?"

"John, I wasn't talking about your eyes."

"Oh, then what were you talking about?"

"Uh…your ears appear to be slightly pointed."

"What?" Rose looked over at John and saw what Dirk was talking about. "John, it does appear that he's correct," she says.

John reaches his hand up and feels one of his ears. It was slightly more elongated and less rounded than he remembered it ever being. "Uh…guys, what's happening to me?"

"We don't know, dumbass," Sollux says. "Especially me considering I'm blind."

"Yeah, don't rub it in," John says back. He lays his head on the table next to his tray. "Ugh…I feel like I'm turning into an elf."

"You seem to be turning into something," Rose says jokingly, but she knows he won't take it as one.

"So, John, do you still have that boner," Sollux asks, trying to keep a straight face. John blushes. His cheeks turn bright red.

He leans over to Rose. "How many people did you tell," he asks her, angrily.

"Everybody we know." She smiles. Usually she was the one that was against doing things like this, but this was just too good to pass up.

"'Define everybody we know.'"

"Oh, you know: Jade, Gamzee, Karkat—"

"Wait. You told Karkat?!"

"Not really. I told Gamzee and he said he would tell him as soon as he woke up."

"Great."

"And I've also Terezi, Dave—who told Dirk—who then told Sollux. Jade told jake and somehow Dirk, here, was able to contact Aradia and tell her."

"Yeah," Dirk spoke up, "she said she would tell all the other trolls there as well. Even Calliope."

"My life is ruined…"

"It isn't ruined until Eridan finds out," Sollux reassured John.

"Rose, why would you do this to me?"

"Think about it as payback."

"For what?"

"For starters, making Kanaya originally think I had an IQ of seven."

"That was unintention—wait, SEVEN?!"

"She didn't say seven, John."

"Oh."

"I just said that because I personally thought four was too low."

"…"

"Then, also think about it as payback for your 'prankster gambits' kicking in and pranking everyone. Now they all have something to remind you of if you ever pull anything like all of that ever again. Jane could also take that as a warning as well if she were here."

"Okay, getting off the topic of weird boners, what are we going to do about my ears?" Feeling a twitch, John reaches up and feels that his ears have become more pointed.

"You don't want to know," Sollux says, almost like a warning.

"It isn't as uncomfortable as the eyes," Rose says.

"And why exactly should I trust that statement," John asks. "You are a human. You do the makeup. You don't have to feel the pain. For all I know, you could hack the tips off with a pair of scissors!"

The cafeteria silences as everyone looks up from their trays of food and looks over at the small group. "Well, this just turned awkward," Dirk says.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author: Sorry I ended it where I did. I just wanted to get this chapter published so...yeah. Enjoy.**

* * *

Investigation: Begin

The bell rang to begin the next lunch. On the way back to class John and Rose run into Kanaya, who immediately notices John's ears. "John—"

"I know about the ears."

"I wasn't talking about the ears, but they are starting to creep me out."

"Then what were you talking about," asks Rose.

"I was going to say that while you were painting John's eyes I took a small skin sample for testing."

"Why would you need my skin? Obviously I'm changing into something. It's pretty obvious.

"I did it for precautions. It is quite possible that it is some sort of alien disease. After all, we did pass by a lot of civilizations on our way here. There is a type of supervirus about five light years away that turns its hosts into goo. It is possible that it could have a different effect on humans.

"…Soooooooo, let me get this straight: you took a piece of my skin to see if I was turning into goo."

"Like I said, it may have a different effect on humans."

"Obviously I'm turning into something that isn't goo, Kanaya."

"John, you aren't listening to me."

"I'm just saying, I'm not turning into goo."

"John, I Know That! You Aren't Listening To Me! Gog, You're Acting Like A Stubborn Little Grub!" Kanaya storms off into the cafeteria.

**You become bored with John and Decide to follow Kanaya around for a little bit now…**

After lunch, Kanaya goes to her biology class. Today they are working on viral diseases, which means…ELECTRON MICROSCOPES!, electron microscopes for everybody!

"Okay, class," the teacher, Ms. Paint says, "in order for this to work, you have to follow my instructions. After following the instructions Kanaya flips a switch and the image of the magnified John's skin specimen. It almost didn't even appear human anymore, though it didn't in the first place considering it was just a piece of skin and not an actual human being…

Anyway, Kanaya knows what human cells look like. These cells from John's skin looked more like plant cells…or are at least beginning to look like them. They appear to be forming cell walls around the thin, flexible membranes. And it's all happening right before Kanaya's eyes.

"It looks like you've got a hold of some microbial cysts," Ms. Paint says. "Extra credit for you because they're typically hard to get a hold of. And by the way it looks, the cysts are just beginning to form. So, I guess that means extra-extra credit for you, Miss Maryam."

"Thank you," Kanaya replies. She knows that this isn't good. From her basic understanding of human biology, cysts aren't a very good thing. She comes to the realization that John could possibly die from this thing, if they don't figure out what it is and get it treated soon. Since the teacher doesn't care and she's done with the microscope for now, she decides to troll Rose about the alarming discovery.

- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:13 -

GA: Rose I Think We Might Have A Bigger Problem Than We Originally Thought

TT: Why is that?

GA: Well I Put The Skin Sample Underneath The Microscope In Biology And It Appears That Johns Cells Are Forming Cysts

TT: Oh, well, this isn't good.

GA: I Kind Of Figured It Wasn't

TT: Do you think that all of his cells are doing this?

GA: From The Rate At Which The Cysts Are Forming In The Specimen I Would Say It Is Quite Possible

TT: How are we going to tell John?

GA: I Will Leave That Up To You To Decide Because He Doesnt Seem To Want To Listen To

Me Very Much Lately

TT: Okay, I'll try to think of something. Should we tell everyone else as well?

GA: Not Right Now

GA: I Want John To Find Out First

- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] -

Something isn't quite right about all of this, and Rose knows it. Stuff like this just doesn't happen all at once. There has to be a reason behind it, but what? Rose knows there's a way to find out, but she just has to figure out how to contact him. Or perhaps…it?

* * *

Back at home with Gamzee and Karkat, who is beginning to feel better, but only slightly, we see that Gamzee is completely worn out. Karbro is just too sick for him to handle. Fortunately, there is only s few minutes of school. John and Jane would be home in only about fifteen minutes to take over. But not before Karkat spews some HCl all over the place, including on Gamzee himself. For once in the stoned out part of his life Gamzee's signature smile straightens itself out into a slight disgusted frown as Karkat's fresh vomit drips from his hair, nose, chin, and other facial areas. He dry heaves from a little bit of it landing in his shocked mouth.

Gamzee decides it's more important to clean up the newly created supermassive mess in Karkat and John's room, which he regrets. It takes him every bit of ten minutes to clean and sanitize it all, when it typically took only a couple. Immediately after he finishes he cleans off his face, which only took him a couple minutes. Not realizing that John and Jane got home early because of John's erratic anger-driving, he walks out of the bathroom, making his way down the hall to his room when he almost runs into John, who freaks out for a minute before realizing it's only Gamzee.

John stares at Gamzee's face. The three scars from Nepeta's claw-glove stand out like three sore thumbs. Without the clown makeup his indigo eyes stand out and burn through anything in their lines of sight. "Take a motherfuckin' picture. It'll last longer," Gamzee says coldly, a hint of sobering up in his voice.

"Chill. I just came back here to check up on Karkat."

"You motherfuckin' think I can't take good motherfuckin' care of my motherfuckin' moirail?!" Gamzee is beginning to sound more angry than cold.

"No, I just…Gamzee, you should know by now that Karkat and I are matesprits…or whatever that flushed quadrant thing is called! Of course I'm going to be concerned for his well being! It has nothing to do with you!"

"John, I don't think Gamzee wants to hear about your Kanaya and Rose problems," Jane shouts from the kitchen while getting herself an afterschool snack. John doesn't reply. They had an argument in the car about talking with Rose and Kanaya. John refused to speak to Kanaya at all since his misunderstanding of what she was saying. Though he still doesn't believe he misunderstood anything. Now Kanaya wants to talk to him about something "important" and he won't answer his gog damn pesterlog, except, of course, for anyone else. He talks to Gamzee again, "Just get out of my way so I can go see Karkat."

"While you're at it you can take over takin' motherfuckin' care of him. I need a break."

"Just go, Gamzee."

* * *

**Author: For anyone who knows nothing or next to nothing about chemistry, HCl is the chemical formula for hydrochloric acid, better known as stomach acid. I just felt like being different so I put HCl instead.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author: Karkat really loves his glove.**

* * *

Forget About Fingernails

Karkat lies passed out under several blankets. His fever has gone down since earlier this morning when John and Jane left for school, but only by a couple tenths of a degree. Celsius.

The bleach, though having a strong chlorine smell, couldn't mask the smell of the stomach fluid that had been expelled by Karkat just fifteen minutes earlier. So John walks into the room and is nearly knocked on his behind by the overpowering stench emanating from around the bed and the walls and…Karkat's backside…

…Well, that's kind of embarrassing…for both Karkat and John: Karkat because he isn't doing it intentionally and John because he's probably going to have to check to make sure Karkat hasn't soiled the bed…again. It isn't his fault that humans don't have recuperacoons with sopor slime to dissolve all that literal crap.

Now that the thought crosses his mind, John begins to worry if some of that sopor-slime acid may be responsible for that rash he had down…no, that thought is banned for reasons too personal for you readers to know about. But yes, it does involve the troll on the bed.

John walks cautiously over to the bed, aware that there could either be a puddle of weird brownish-red stuff there for him to clean up, or that there is a loaded cannon ready to fire a brownish-red liquid-y cannonball his way as soon as he moves the blankets. Why does he choose that side to check? Because karkat is lying right next to the edge of the bed and John doesn't feel like reaching all the way across his and Karkat's queen-sized bed to pull back the covers on the other side. When he reaches down he notices something wrong with the nail on his right middle finger. _When did it get bruised?_

It wasn't really bruised so much as it looked infected. The lunula appeared to have turned a pale shade of yellow. The rest of the nail, excluding the tip, was turning an odd shade of reddish-purple. The tip itself seems to be rotting away. "John," Karkat moans, beginning to wake up from a short, miserable nap.

"I'm here, Karkat. Just relax."

"John…what's wrong…with your voice?"

"My…my voice? Nothing's wrong with it."

"Yes…It's all scratchy and…scraaaaaahhhhhhhtchy." Karkat yawns.

"Hmmm," John hums to himself to see if his voice is scratchy, but he notices no difference. "Karkat, I think you're just hearing things." Karkat is fast asleep once again, unable to hear anything John says or does. "Well, I guess I better check the bed…"

Just as he begins to pull the covers up Karkat reaches his hand out and grabs Johns arm quickly, startling him. "Karkat, I thought you were asleep."

"DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I AM AND WHAT I AM NOT! DO YOU THINK THIS IS ALL JUST A GAME?!"

"What the…"

"ANSWER ME! I DEMAND TO KNOW RIGHT NOW! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT WHORE PIECE OF SHIT JOHN?!

"Karkat, what are you talking about?"

"GAMZEE, ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW?! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SLEEP WITH THE JOHN HUMAN BEHIND MY BACK?!"

"Karkat, I—did you just call me a whore piece of shit?"

"JOHN! GO AWAY AND SLEEP WITH GAMZEE AGAIN! NOW! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN AND CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!"

Jane and Gamzee burst into the room to see what's happening. "John, why is Karkat yelling, besides the normal reason," Jane asks.

"I don't know. I just went to check the bed to see if he soiled the sheets and he grabbed my arm and started this."

"Are you motherfuckin' hurtin him?"

"Gamzee, you do realize he's addressing you in his little rant, right?"

"He grabbed your motherfuckin' arm!"

"Gamzee, this is why I never wanted you to stay here. You get to violent without your sopor slime."

"JUST GO! FUCK YOU ALL!"

"So, does this mean that our rekindlin' moirailship is motherfuckin' over?"

"I don't know. If that's the case then me and Karkat are over too."

"I guess I could probably call Rose over to…Oh my god! John, what's wrong with your finger?!" Jane suddenly becomes more worried about John.

"I don't know." John looks down at his hand to see that not just his middle fingernail, but all of them on his right hand have rotted away, except for the yellowing lunulae. "Jane…call 9-1-1."

"John, 9-1-1 only worked in the old universe."

"Then what's the fucking emergency number for this one?!"

"I don't know! Call dad, he'll tell us!"

"No. I don't want dad to know about this."

"John, your fingernails are rotting away to nothingness. I don't think there's any chance he won't notice."

"Well, call Rose."

"Why not Kanaya," Jane asks, putting a serious look on her face.

"Because Kanaya doesn't know how to listen."

Gamzee's phone rings. He goes out to the hall to answer it and returns a few minutes later. "It was Kanaya. She said she wants to talk to John but he won't answer anything."

"See, John, Kanaya has been trying to get a hold of you ever since after lunch and all you've been doing is ignoring her."

"Fine, call her. Invite her over to dinner. Do whatever, just leave me alone while doing it."

Jane and Gamzee both give John a dirty look on their way out the bedroom door. John looks down at his hand, still missing fingernails. He looks around the room for something to cover up his hand. All he sees is a silver glove with silver sparkles belonging to Karkat. He knew that if he even touched it Karkat would go all kismesis on his ass for a while. And a few nights of hateful love making isn't John's idea of a good time in bed.

But he is kind of desperate. Hopefully Karkat knows that his rant was over a dream and wasn't real. John can only hope. If Karkat believed his dream, that would only add on to the kismesissitude that would half-way develop between them. Seriously, why does Karkat love Michael Johnson so much? After all, he barely even likes troll music back on Alternia.

But desperate times call for desperate measures. Surely enough Karkitty would understand…right? Hehe, right?

_Okay, John, Karkat won't get TOO mad. There will only be a little bit of blood left behind. Candy. Cherry. Red. Blood._

"Karkat, you won't mind if I borrow your Michael Johnson glove, would you? Go on another little rant for 'no.'"

Karkat snores.

"Okay…snore again for 'no.'"

Karkat remains silent.

"Well then. Remain silent for 'no.'"

"NOOKWHIFF!"

"I'll consider that a little rant." John walks over to Karkat's desk. Karkat keeps the glove in an airtight jar on his desk to keep it preserved and clean. _Karkat sure can be weird…wait, are all trolls psychic? I hope not. Karkat, if you can read my mind, I didn't mean weird in a bad way. And, could you just ignore everything in my mind from now on?_

Okay, John has finally lost it. He's crazy. Attempting to keep his mind completely blank, he silently opens the jar and reaches his hand in.

_I SWEAR, IF JOHN TOUCHES MY GLOVE, EVEN JUST ONE TINY PATHETIC CELL IN HIS BODY TOUCHES THAT GLOVE, I WILL MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF HIM, SEVER HIS HEAD, AND SHIT DOWN HIS PROTEIN CHUTE!_

Okaaaaaaaay, that was a fun little tease that John just now pulled. Now to pull out his hand and replace the lid. It appears that Karkat can read his mind and even put his voice in his head. That's enough for John to reconsider everything he has done and ever will do again.

John looks back down at his hand. The rotting appears to be spreading to the first knuckles on his fingers. The tips are a weird shade of reddish-purple-ish-blue…ish, just like his now-nonexistent fingernails. Now that Karkat has warned him about the glove, he is kind of afraid of it. he has to find another way to hide his hand. _Maybe Karkat won't be so mad if we role play with the glove? _**John, stop thinking like that. Karkat will be pissed if you touch that thing.**

"John! Kanaya's here," Jane calls from the living room.

"Oh shit," John says to himself. He suddenly finds himself in a panic. _Perhaps if I can just get away with keeping my hand in my pocket…_

He shoves his hand in his pocket. His other hand slaps his mouth with his forefinger and thumb pinching his nose to muffle a scream ripping away at his lips. The nerve endings exposed after his fingernails rotted away definitely do NOT get along with the fabric of his pants pocket.

"John, get your motherfuckin' ass in here before I come in and carry it!" Okay, so he thought he could stall a little bit with Jane, but Gamzee? Never. Not in a million years would it ever be okay to make Gamzee wait, unless you're Karkat. Gamzee idolizes Karkat. "I'm coming," John shouts back.

John attempts to hold his hand in a position where the fingertips won't be in contact with the fabric in his pocket. After doing so, he attempts to wear a straight face, though he knows that the pain still shows through anyway. Why couldn't he have bought an extra pair of aviators when he bought one for Dave?

He walks into the living room. Kanaya sits patiently on the couch with Gamzee, Jane, and Dad, who just got home, in the chair across the coffee table. "John," Dad says, "I think your friends have something to tell you."

"By the sound of your voice it doesn't sound good," John replies.

"I haven't been told a thing."

John sits in the love seat between the couch and chair. Kanaya turns to him to begin to talk. "John, I'm not sure about how I should approach this, so I'm just going to say it: there is a very good possibility that you are going to die."

"Kanaya, like I said before—"

"John, I fucking know that you aren't turning into a fucking pile of fucking goo! Just Shut Up And Let Me Talk!"

"Okay. Calm down."

"I put the skin sample on one of the electron microscopes in biology, and something very alarming and surprising came up. it appears that every cell in your body is forming a microbial cyst."

"And that's bad…how?"

"John," Dad joins in the conversation, "a microbial cyst is something a microbe, say, a bacterium, forms around itself when conditions for its life are not ideal. The cysts stay until conditions are ideal. If your cells are forming cysts, that means that something isn't right. Human anatomy cannot handle microbial cysts."

"Oh."

"I talked to Rose about it and she said she would try to contact someone who no one has ever seen before, well, actually, he has been seen, but only at his haunted house on Halloween. He does appear very different."

"Kanaya, why are you all doing this?"

"Because we don't want you to die." Her phone dings. She looks and sees that she has a new message from Rose. "John, would you mind if I take this? It's from Rose."

"No."

- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 15:45 -

TT: He said yes.

GA: Okay Im Here Talking To John Jane And Gamzee Right Now

TT: Okay. He said to stop by around noon tomorrow.

GA: Okay Where Does He Live

TT: Just meet with me after school and I'll drive us. It will only take a half hour.

GA: Okay

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -

"We are supposed to meet Rose to go converse with the first guardian tomorrow."

"The who now," Dad asks.

"Not you, sorry, you are to stay here."

* * *

**Author: Okay, just so I don't get messages regarding this, Michael Johnson is this universe's version of Michael Jackson. Get over it.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author: In which John is caught in a couple compromising positions…**

* * *

A Compromising Position

"What the heck is a first guardian," Dad asks, worried because 1. he has no idea what a first guardian is 2. why would the kids need to talk to it?! Whatever the reason, it can't be good.

"It's a person, or animal, or, uh, thing," Gamzee can't seem to get the right words out, "that is like…all motherfuckin' knowin' and some shit. They like, protect the motherfuckin' world."

Dad has that look on his face that says _Really? Why are you still here? _He, like John, obviously doesn't like Gamzee. And his foul mouth doesn't really help. "I thought God was the only omniscient being."

"Dad," Jane says, "God is a myth. That was proven to us by Sburb when we played it."

"What's Sburb?"

"Oh, right…I forgot the guardians have no memory of any part of the game whatsoever…" Jane says to herself. "You know what…you can believe what you want to believe, but it will be wrong."

"Guys, can we stop fooling around and just not worry about it," Kanaya asks, obviously annoyed. "The first guardian is not one to joke around about."

"How many of us are going," John asks, trying to change the subject.

"Well, there's you, me, Rose, Dave—"

"No. Not Dave. There is no way I'm letting him see me like this."

"See you like what? John, I thought you weren't gay."

"Dad, we've already been over this. I never told you I'm not. I never told you I am. But I can tell you that Dave and I will never happen."

"Then why are you so worried?"

"…" John might've just trapped himself. If Dad finds out what's happening with him, John will be taken to the hospital and will miss his chance to find out what's wrong. He needs to find a way out of this sort of situation. "…uh, I have a really bad cold and I'm just not my best." He gives out an obviously fake cough to prove he has a cold and continues talking while Gamzee facepalms in the kitchen behind Dad. "I've suddenly lost all my self-esteem. I mean, seriously, I look absolutely hideous." Okay, he just said that in the gayest tone possible. _I could have said that a little bit more masculine-like. _

"John, I think it's time we had the talk."

"Oh god, no! Nope. Nope, nope, nope." With that, John absconds to his and Karkat's bedroom, where Karkat has somehow managed to roll off the bed without anyone hearing a loud thud.

"The talk about what," Kanaya asks. She knows a little bit about humans and their "Talk," but she doesn't actually know what all it's about.

"Nothing, just how to stay committed in a relationship."

"That's Dad talk for 'sexy times.' You know, like the ones you and Rose have when her mom isn't looking," Jane whispers in her ear.

Kanaya's eyes widen in shock. "Okay." She smiles nervously. She didn't really need to know that humans talked about that with each other. She thought it was just something that they just know.

* * *

In their bedroom, John attempts to get Karkat back on the bed, but with only one hand and a one hundred and seventy-five pound troll to pick up, that's kind of impossible, for him at least. _Karkat can't be comfortable on the floor like that…_ Uh oh, John is thinking again. _Perhaps he won't mind if I use his glove to help him back on the bed…_

And just like that we're back to the glove. You would've thought he'd have learned NOT to touch Karkat's Michael Johnson glove EVER after what just happened literally ten minutes ago. Yet for some reason, he still decides to reach for the silver sparkly glove anyway. He picks the jar up off the desk with his left hand. When he begins to bring his right hand out of his pocket to carefully unscrew the lid, it's stuck. His hand is caught in his pocket. He begins to struggle trying to break free of the accursed contraption, but with one strong yank causes the jar to slip out of his hand and shatter on the floor by his feet. It shatters with a loud noise, echoing through the room and entering the hallway. In the living room, everyone hears the shatter, and Dad goes in to check on him. After the jar shatters, John knows he's in trouble. "Oh shit," he mutters to himself. Panicking, he begins to yank harder, attempting to free his hand. If he doesn't get it free soon—"OH MY GOD!"

There is a reason Vriska nicknamed him "Egderp."

What made it worse was that his back was turned slightly to the door, so slightly that what John was doing, though completely innocent-ish, looked horrifyingly wrong. What made the situation even worse than that, was Karkat was no longer in bed, and lying on the floor, just a couple feet away from John's feet. His head was turned toward John on the floor. What made the situation even worse twofold, was John's breathing became heavy from struggling. He didn't have the most stamina out of the group.

_Please let him be talking about the glove._ John can only pray to a nonexistent deity at this point…wait, he can pray to the Godheads, but they won't listen, like always.

Commence awkward Father/Son Moment:

"John…"

"Dad…"

"Uh…"

"Uh…what?"

"Uh…I uh…think I'll just leave you a-alone while you uh…finish?"

"Okay. This could probably take a while though." _Oh my god, I did not just say that…_

"So, uh…yeah, I guess I'll be going now…"

"That would be a relatively good thing to do." John can't even look at his dad right now, let alone talk to him. What did he even think John was doing? _No, let's not think about that. _

Dad leaves rather awkwardly. He needs to remember to bleach his eyes later. And prepare for the most awkward talk of his and John's life. He shudders at the thought.

John walks over and shuts the door with his free hand. He needs to get his hand free of his pocket before someone barges in again. Unfortunately, with the way that this weird species makes pants, the pockets are all made like the rear pockets of human pants. Therefore, in order for him to invert the pocket and free his hand, he must first take off his pants.

Which is something he would never mind doing with Karkat around.

That is also the problem.

Karkat is in the room with John. People are awake, and home, so there is a danger in taking his pants off. And with Karkat's face on the floor and the way he's laying there, so peacefully, is off the charts on the cuteness scale.

Which is bad for John because that usually gives him a boner.

To make the situation worse, the door has no locks. Dad doesn't allow them, except for the bathroom door and the exits. He does love his privacy in there. And Karkat and John typically sleep nude. At the current moment, there is nothing but a paper thin blanket separating John's mind from the trolls _plush…round…juicy…_

_Okay now stop thinking like this, John. You have to be careful. _John, facing away from Karkat, unbuttons and unzips his pants, and gently slides them off, careful not to make any sounds. As soon as they're off, he inverts the pocket to find that…

His fingernails have grown back. But they grew so that they would cover a little bit of the excess fabric at the bottom of the pocket, which they then closed around, fusing his fingers to the inside of the pocket.

Just then, as John heads over to the dresser next to the bed to retrieve a new pantalon, Gamzee opens the door and quickly walks into the room, curious as to what Dad was freaking out about, and surprised at the sight before him. "What are you doing to Karbro?!"

"(Gamzee, keep it down!)" John does that little whisper-yell thing that humans are known to do when they get angry sometimes. "(This is not what it looks like! Karkat was already on the floor when I came in here.)"

"Why should I believe you? You are the one in his motherfuckin' underwear, creepin' around trying to be all sneaky, sportin' a bo—"

"(Gamzee!) Remember the nails?" John holds up his right hand with the new demonic fingernails which had grown around the fabric. The pants dangle underneath.

"Woah," Gamzee can only stare at this oddity. No amount of sopor slime could have ever given him that kind of trip. "Am I high right now?"

"I hope," Karkat mutters just audible enough for them to hear. "Why am I on the floor?"

John and Gamzee both ignore the mutant's question. "I don't know what happened or how it did this, but when Dad walked in, I thought I was going to die. He acted like he caught me doing something. I was actually trying to get my freaking hand out of my pocket."

"Do you need me to hel—"

"I need you to go get Kanaya. Don't tell her what's wrong, just say that I have a little bit of a problem that needs to be dealt with."

"Okay. Should i—"

"I think it would be a good idea for you to. I don't want you to spill anything to Dad about this."

"Okay I'll be right back motherfucker." Gamzee just called John a motherfucker. That's his word for friend, right? John certainly hopes so. That would mean that he's kind of off Gamzee's kill list. Right?

* * *

Gamzee walks out to the living room. Kanaya, Jane, and Dad sit, talking about what Dad had just witnessed. Gamzee walks over and taps Kanaya on her shoulder, which immediately grabs her attention. "Uh, John has a little bit of a problem that he says needs your help to be dealt with." Dad's eyes widen. He definitely has the wrong idea. He drops his pipe out of his mouth, which gets ashes over the white carpet. Oh well, they were going to get it replaced anyway.

"What seems to be wrong," Kanaya asks, concerned that it may or may not be what she and Jane were just discussing with Dad. Gamzee leans down and whispers in her ear. At hearing what the problem is, she lets out a small chuckle, then tries to put on a serious face, which doesn't calm Dad's nerves at all. He would've stopped her from going if he wasn't too shocked at the occurrence.

By time Kanaya and Gamzee return to John's room he had helped Karkat back onto the bed. John was explaining the current strange events that had been happening, and Karkat was about to doze off once more. But it was evident he was trying to listen, which is something Karkat rarely does.

Kanaya doesn't immediately notice that John isn't wearing pants. Gamzee had only told her that John's hand was stuck in his pocket. But when she walks around she sees John sitting on the bed in what appeared to be a pair of Karkat's boxers, which it turns out the two share since they're the same size and it saves money.

Why she would know what Karkat's boxers look like? It's pretty obvious. They're gray with little cancer symbols on them. Why not red? Guess.

Walking further she sees John's arm holding his body. His hand and wrist are covered by some blue fabric, which she recognizes as the pants he was wearing five minutes ago. "Uh, John," She begins, "How, exactly is your hand stuck?"

John is startled. He was too wrapped up in telling Karkat his story that he didn't even realize Kanaya and Gamzee in the room. He holds up his hand. "The, uh, fingernails came back."

"Oh." Kanaya leans in to get a closer look. One thing she notices immediately is the odd color of the nails. They are yellow, and thicker. She can faintly see a little blue underneath where the nails have grown over the fabric. "Isn't that a little painful?"

"It wasn't at first, but now it is getting a little annoying." John is almost a little nervous about what Kanaya plans to do about the pants. Though they weren't necessarily the most comfortable for humans, they were still his favorite pair that actually fit. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. We might just have to cut the pocket off."

"What, we can't just cut this tiny little flap off?"

"We could try. Gamzee, why don't you go get us a pair of scissors." Without saying a word Gamzee darts out the door to the kitchen, where he reaches into a drawer, pulls out some scissors, and darts back to the bedroom. "Gamzee, don't hurt John! And don't run with scissors," Dad shouts at him.

"Thank you," Kanaya says as Gamzee hands her the sharp bladed device. It each cut the pants had a little less support keeping them up, and it was starting to tug at the pieces of fabric still connected and inside John's fingernails, causing him a great deal of discomfort. Just before Kanaya could cut around the last two nails the pants fall, tugging out the fabric, making John scream out in pain. "God damnit!" Gamzee shoved a sock into John's mouth to muffle his scream. It didn't taste clean. And it tasted like Karkat's.

Dad runs into the room, followed by Jane, who is also worried. "Gamzee, I told you not to hurt John!...oh?" he notices Kanaya on her knees on the floor and holding a pair of scissors, John in his boxers and a tee shirt with a dirty sock shoved in his mouth, Karkat suddenly feeling well enough to have jumped up at Johns scream, and blood coming from yellow finger tips. Plus he could swear John's skin has gotten slightly paler.

"Jane, what was that screaming," Dave says over the phone, which Jane forgets she's holding.

"Oh, nothing. Definitely not John screaming in pain. Hehe."

"Jane, who are you talking to," Kanaya asks.

"Uhhhh…no one. :)" She leaves before anyone asks anything else.

Dad almost appears traumatized at this point. "Can somebody please just tell me what the fuck is wrong?"

John spits out the sock. "Okay, first of all, ewwwwwwww, secondly, language, dad."

"John, this is my house. I will talk how I want to talk."

"Yes, 'do as I say, not as I do.' We all know. All I know is that there is nothing you need to be concerned over. I'm probably just coming down with a little case of the flu."

"A little case of the flu?"

"Yes. I believe that's what I just said."

"John, we thought Karkat had a little case of the flu. Now look at the poor creature," the kids become nervous that Dad is on to something, "hardly able to move, can't eat, can't stay awake for more than a couple minutes, gray, and has these large bumps on his head that look severely infected. You can only hope that it's just a little case of the flu." _Oh, thank gog,_ the kids think in unison, excluding Karkat, who is too weak to care at the current moment.

"Okay, dad, you may be right. It might be worse than it seems, but you need to stop worrying. I'll stay home tomorrow if you want me to."

"I would like that very much. Gamzee can take care of you too, can't you, Gamzee?"

"Sure."

"Who knows, if it's bad enough, I might even stay home tomorrow to make sure you're ok.

"Uh, Mr. Egbert, that wouldn't be a good idea considering that we have an appointment to speak with the first guardian tomorrow," Kanaya says.

"So, you can reschedule."

"I spoke with Rose while you were here witnessing something, and she said that he said that we Will be there. There are no ands, ifs, or buts about it."

"Fine. I will go with you."

"He also said to tell you not to go along."

"He knows about me because…why?"

"He's omniscient. All first guardians are."

"Fine. Whatever. I'll leave you guys alone so you can all go back to torturing John, since I won't be needed tomorrow. But," Dad turns to John, "you are staying home tomorrow with Karkat."

"Except for the visit with the first guardian," John replies.

"Yes, whatever." Dad leaves, leaving everyone else with John once again. "You know, my fingertips are in quite a bit of pain," John says nonchalantly. Kanaya grabs a couple bandages from the bathroom and dresses his fingers.

"Now, John, try not to have anything like this happen again," she says in that motherly tone she's known for.

"It's not my fault."

"I have a couple theories about your condition," Kanaya replies to John's statement. "One of them suggests that it may just be your fault, unwittingly, anyway."

"Oh well, I just want to put some pants on so people can stop barging in and getting the wrong idea."

"Then do that. Goodbye, John. I'll see you tomorrow when I pick you and Gamzee up to go to the first guardian's mansion."

"Bye." With that, Kanaya leaves. Saying goodbye to everyone else as she walks out. She has a pretty good idea about what's happening, but she just doesn't want it to be confirmed. If it is what she's thinking, John may never be cured. She guesses she'll find out when they converse with the first guardian tomorrow, given that the way he looks doesn't freak everyone out. He is only seen in person on Halloween, when everyone assumes he's wearing a costume.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author: Are you all ready to meet the First Guardian? (Luke, shut up. I already know you are.)**

* * *

A Date with the Guardian

John doesn't set his alarm that night. He thinks about going to school anyway to spite his half-brotherly-adoptive-father, but decides against it. It's only a half day, so they wouldn't be doing much anyway.

He wakes up around three in the morning beside Karkat, who is staring at him with a nervous look on his face. "What," John asks quietly in case Dad is up.

"You snore too loudly."

"What?"

"It was scary."

"Karkat, what are you talking about?"

You were growling in your sleep and it woke me up and was scary."

"Did Gamzee give you any sopor slime?"

"No."

"Are you feeling well?"

"No." That explains it. Karkat was probably dreaming. "I've been listening to you for ten minutes." Okay, perhaps not.

"Karkat, you don't act like you aren't feeling well." Great. He's sleeping again. That whole two minute conversation was weird. Karkat just acted like he was just this innocent, shy kid, not someone who is probably dying.

But what does he mean by "growling?" John decides to forget about it and goes back to sleep.

Six hours later, John wakes up, gets out of bed, and goes to the bathroom to go through his morning routine. Had this been any other normal day, he wouldn't have taken a look in the mirror. But today, like yesterday, isn't normal.

The water stings…scratch that…burns his eyes as if it is acid—chromic acid—or so it felt. It isn't the water much so as it is the moisture in the air mixing with the eye paint, causing it to run. He closes his eyes, which makes the burning worse, which makes him close his eyes harder, and so on and so on.

Upon exiting the miserable shower John wipes his face off, dries his hair, and wraps the towel around his waist. Not opening his eyes to see his path, he made his way cautiously back to the bedroom, where Karkat still lies sound asleep, for the next thirty seconds anyway.

Fast-forwarding thirty seconds, John has finally gotten the courage to open his eyes and face the burn, which has somehow subsided, leaving him with only slightly-impaired vision. He moans. This is going to be a long, long, miserable day. And it's just getting started.

With this…

John bends down to grab a pair of boxers out of the second-to-bottom drawer. As he puts them on, he notices something different "down there."

Poor little Karkitty, who likes to sleep soundly when he's sick, wasn't expecting to be awoken with a rather loud "WHAT THE FUCK?!" practically right next to his ear. Startled, he jumps up and barely misses the bed on his way down. He slides down against the side of the bed, and lands in an uncomfortable position on the floor. If he wasn't feeling twice as good as he was yesterday he would've been unconscious by now, but he's able to stay awake. And now he has a pretty good view of what John is screaming about. He stares at John as a…bone bulge? suddenly appears from between his legs.

"Uh, John,"

"I can see that, Karkat."

"That isn't normal."

"Really?!" John can't help but to be a little rude. "Karkat, I'm sorry, I—"

"I understand, John."

"You—you do?"

"Yes. If I was going through all these weird changes I would probably act the same way."

"Karkat, don't say that. You don't realize what I've been through the past day."

"I don't have to to know that it's stressful. If I wasn't still violently ill I would try to help out somehow."

"It's okay, Karkat. Just get back in bed and get some more rest."

"John, I've been awake a total of perhaps a half hour in the past four days combined. I don't think I really need any more rest." Karkat gives a slight chuckle, one thing that anyone, even Karkat, has experienced from him for just now the first time.

"I take it you're feeling a little bit better?"

"A little bit. I still feel like shit though."

Okay, now back to reality…John has a bone bulge, otherwise known by some people as a tentadick. "I would assume that this is the whole "weirdest boner ever" thing that I experienced yesterday…"

"What?"

"Nothing." John is shocked at this. He honestly has no idea how to even react to something like this. Neither does Karkat because, well, he's still sick and this has never happened to anyone he knows before. "Karkat, should I be worried?"

"I don't know. This has never happened before."

"Oh well. Me and some of the others are going to see the first guardian in a few hours so I guess I'll get answers from him. I just hope this isn't serious."

"John, your fingernails are yellow, your eyes are orange and sunken in, and now you have a bone bulge. I don't think this is anything minor." Karkat tries to keep calm with John saying stupid things, which just so happens to be about half the time. But sometimes it gets hard to. Just like now, when he begins to sound a little frustrated. "I think it's serious and something to be worried about."

"I don't know. Kanaya says that my skin is forming these 'microbial cysts,' whatever those are."

"John, a microbial cyst is something that can harm a person, especially if ingested. I can't imagine my skin forming them. I would be very worried if I were you."

"Well, damn, no need to get impatient with me."

"I can't help it. You're being stupid."

"I am not being stupid!"

"Well, you're saying stupid things!"

"I am not."

"Yes you ar—" Karkat is interrupted with a perfectly timed vomit fountain erupting from deep in his digestive system. John had barely just enough time to get out of the way before some of it splashed to where he'd just been standing. When Karkat is finished, John sneaks his way around the large puddle, grabs some clean clothes out of the dresser, ignores the socks because they are in the drawer closest to the foul-smelling substance, grabs his sandals over by the other wall, and leaves. "I'm just going to leave you here to clean this up yourself," he says coldly. Karkat didn't really mind, neither did John. The two always had petty little fights like this; at least one a week. But that only added to the fun in their matespritship. And it meant more action. The last one they had was only a few days before John began his transformation, and the night before Karkat became violently ill.

* * *

Around quarter-till-noon, Rose pulls the van up to John's driveway. In it sits Jade, Jake, Kanaya, Dirk, and Dave, as well as Rose because she's the one driving. John is a little nervous. What's he going to tell everyone? What will the First Guardian say about all this? Those are questions that didn't have to pop into his mind at a time like this.

After attempting to stall for a couple minutes, the occupants of the automatic vehicular device outside become impatient, and Rose honks the horn, which causes Gamzee to stir in bed and almost wake up. "Alright! I'm Coming!" John shouts out to Rose, who can't hear him so she honks again, which only frustrates John, who can't get the idea through his head that the walls of the house and car and the revving of the engine might be blocking out all noise inside the house from reaching her ears. He was always an intelligent kid.

He finally makes his way out to the car five minutes later. He is scolded by Rose for being late, or on time, who knows when the First Guardian is actually expecting them, being all omniscient and everything.

"John, you are going to make us late doing that," Rose says.

"Rose, this is the First Guardian we're going to. He already knows when we'll be there so we don't have to worry about being late." Rose doesn't respond, she only lets out a little giggle and drives off toward Beq Mansion.

Beq Mansion is named for the First Guardian, who resides there. Among the three that we already know, plus the one that we're about to meet, he is, by far, the weirdest. And you thought a four foot tall cue ball was a little weird.

The mansion lies over one hundred acres of land, all enclosed by a gold-plated elegant fence, with the only entrance secured by a large, silver-plated gate. The mansion itself sits on the geographic center of the property, which is a relatively large, clear hill compared to the smaller, wooded ones around it. On the property sits four ponds, one shaped like a dog's head, one shaped like a cat's head, and one shaped like a cue ball, perfectly round. The property itself bears a resemblance to the Garden of Eden—paradise, with a multitude of life, including lusii and some animals from earth, like cats, dogs, snakes, rabbits, etc.

The mansion is a one hundred thousand square foot house, which is by far way too much room for just the one person inhabiting it, but he does know the room will come to good use in about one unspecified unit of time.

**Okay, enough about the property.**

Rose parks the van next to a large fountain in the center of a roundabout in front of the mansion, exactly where she was instructed to park. "Okay, everyone, time to meet the First Guardian," she says with a wide smile on her face.

"Can he just come out here? I really don't feel like going inside," John complains. He can't help it; he just really doesn't feel like doing anything today.

"Unfortunately for you, no. For the rest of us, John, I think it would be best for us to go inside." John knows by the tone of her voice that they just want to go in and have a look around. They could probably honestly care less about meeting him.

They walk up to the front door and give it a good, hard knock. Nothing happens for a minute until the door opens seemingly on its own. The group walks in and become awestruck by the sheer beauty of the architecture. The foyer area could fit John's entire house inside, and John's was the largest of the group's. The floors, walls and ceilings are marble, along with marble columns and arches, all with gold and silver trim, and a rather elegant staircase ascending to the next floor. "So where do we go now," Dave asks Rose.

"I'm not sure. He never specified. I assume if he's anything like he sounded, he might want us to go up the steps."

"Why, how did he sound," John asks, nervousness hinting in his voice. It's obvious there is something that he doesn't want anyone to know.

"He sounded like a first guardian. I don't know how to explain it, but I could just tell that he would want us to go upstairs." Everyone follows Rose up the grand staircase, hoping to not get in trouble. The First Guardian does have a reputation of not putting up with trespassers.

On reaching the next level they encounter a door that seems slightly out of place. "This is it," Rose says like she knows exactly where they are. She opens the door and walks in. everyone else follows her. They all walk into a room with a beautiful red carpet, ravishing purple curtains and a fireplace. It was unlike everything else they had seen in the mansion previously, and it was beautiful.

Suddenly, behind them the door closes. They all turn back to see a large, eight-foot tall, pure white beast, except for his mouth, wearing a white suit with a green neck tie standing in the doorway. "Hello. I am Bequerius, the First Guardian," it says. "I presume you are all here with an appointment?"

"Yes," Rose says calmly, though she is a little freaked out about him now that she is actually able to see him up close and get a good look at his features. She isn't sure if this is a trap or if he is actually a sincere person. If you would call that a person.

"Have a seat," Bequerius addresses everyone. He points his hand at a couch and two love seats. "I'm quite sure you will find the furniture quite comfortable." After the kids sit down in their seats he sits down as well in a chair right across from them. "Now, even though I already know the answer to this question, it will still strike conversation, so why exactly are you here?"

"Our friend, here," Kanaya points to John as she speaks, "has been undergoing some weird 'transformations' in the past day or so. We would like to know why."

"Yeah," John speaks up, "what the fuck is happening to me?"

"Boy, that question is not mine to answer, just as it is not yours to ask." Even though John seems a little impatient, Bequerius still remains in a calm manner.

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"You will find out soon enough." Kanaya reaches over and clasps a hand over John's mouth to keep him quiet. "Please excuse him. He's been acting like this since yesterday," she says apologetically.

"I take no offense to it. I do realize the condition he's in, and I guess I should tell him that he need not worry about it. I will not tell. You can take your hand from his mouth. He will calm down in time." Kanaya pulls her hand away, leaving John to give her the stink eye. "You didn't wash your hands before you left school," He asks her. Her eyes go wide. There was no way he should've known that. Knowing the story behind that hand earlier and its position on John's face, Beq lets out a slight chuckle, so slight that no one notices.

"Rose, you can calm down as well. I will not eat anyone." Rose blushes. She obviously forgot that he knows what she's thinking. "What," she asks, trying to hide her thoughts from everyone.

"I said I will not eat anybody. It is the Becquerel part of me that controls that. It is what keeps me loyal to the universe and its inhabitants."

"What," Jade asks, "you have Bec in you?" She gains a little bit more happiness from the fact that her loyal pet is there in the room with them.

"Yes, but it is not all of me, child."

"What do you mean by that," Jake asks, extremely confused, causing his Australian accent to grow even stronger. Everyone, even the two with the hysterically strong Texan accents laughs, making Jake a little embarrassed.

"If you all would allow me to explain; I am comprised of three different first guardians: Becquerel, who keeps me loyal to the universe and its inhabitants, Doc Scratch, who composes my charismatic attribute, and Belious, otherwise known as God Cat, who gives me my mischievous side. Because I am three different Guardians in one, I possess the omniscience of each of their respective universes, as well as my own—this one. I have the face of Becquerel, the ears of GCat, the body and hands of Doc Scratch, the claws of Becquerel, and the feet of all three combined. Each of my two feet has features from each guardian. It sounds complicated, but to me, it is relatively simple to understand.

"Now, back to the matter at hand, as I said, it is not my question to answer, neither is it any of yours to ask. But, it can become a permanent issue if it is not cured in time. That is something that I cannot say for sure. What happens between now and then is beyond my control.

"Unfortunately, the cure must be with the help of a godhead. Even more unfortunate is that that godhead would be Karkat's. This is why I'm not so sure about future events. With Karkat, anything can happen. Most likely you will not convince him to help, but if you manage to convince John's godhead, perhaps he can convince Karkat's. After all, the two godheads, like their mortal selves, are in a very devout matespritship. I assume it would be possible if you go to John's first. I would imagine he doesn't want his mortal self becoming some sort of beast."

In an attempt to find out what happened with John earlier, Dave asks, "So what's wrong with John?"

"Nice try, but I am a man of my word. I will allow him to tell on his own time, or you can go to Karkat for that information. He saw the incident."

"That reminds me; when is Karkat going to be well again," John asks, trying to change the subject.

"He will be feeling well enough to actually be able to eat by this time tomorrow. He will be able to resume normal, everyday activities twenty-four hours later. His condition, believe it or not, is actually related to yours, being it is a part of it."

John takes a minute to digest that last statement. "But I haven't been feeling like death," he says, completely confused.

"I do believe Kanaya will find out what it is. She will tell you everything about it, and it will all make sense, perhaps not to you, John, but to the trolls—and myself, of course."

"Yeah, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

"It will all make sense in due time." With that Beq checks his watch. "If you all don't mind, our time together is up. I must get going to another part of the mansion for another meeting with a very important guest of mine," he says apologetically. As the kids walk out the front door out to their van, Beq calls out to John, "Oh, John, by the way, I would tread carefully when Casey gets back from band camp." After that the seven drove off. John is left confused as to why he should be careful around Casey, his adopted daughter from the game. He had completely forgotten about that. And so did our narrator.

Casey is due back from band camp in two days, the same day Karkat is scheduled to be all better. And the same day godhead knows what John will be like by then.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author: Another chapter, not another transformation, but I hope this one will answer at least one question from last chapter, such as "Why did Karkat chuckle?" and if you look closely at the end of the chapter it answers another question, "What is meant by the word 'action?'"**

**Yes, this was all planned. Now, on with the story.**

* * *

Sopor Slime and Blown Tires

After the kids leave, Beq teleports to a room on the other side of the mansion. The guest that he mentioned to the kids actually turned out to be a number of guests—the godheads themselves, all of them. Upon Beq's entrance, Jade's godhead walks up to him. "Did it all go according to plan," she asks.

"No. I told them what they needed to know, nothing more and nothing less."

"You are a fool," Dirks godhead speaks up. "You are going to ruin the entire thing!"

"No, you, sir, are a fool. You have no reason to be acting like this. None of you do. They did nothing to you and you make them suffer in return."

"That's exactly the thing," Sollux's godhead says. "They did nothing to us. They treated us as if we didn't even exist. We did nothing to deserve that treatment."

"They used you to fight Lord English. If that isn't an acknowledgment, I, with my own omniscience, don't know what is."

"But they stopped using us after that."

"They wanted to return to their normal lives. They wanted to live normally for once; take a break from reality, if you would."

"And that's why we're doing this to them," John's godhead gets a chance to speak. "We are merely allowing them to do just that."

"No, you are not allowing them to do that, you are forcing them to. Then you go and abandon yourselves when they need you all the most."

"It's only a game, Bequerius. They surely know that," Kanaya's godhead says, in a calm manner.

"That's just it. It is only a game; a cruel, unjust game which bears no bounty for either team. Now please, I wish to hear no more of this. I would like for you all to go." Beq begins to walk out the door of the room when Jade's godhead speaks up one last time. "Bequerius, you come back over here now! You will not leave me, your own mas—" faster than light, Beq teleports over and slaps the Space Witch with the back of his right hand, allowing his claws to graze the skin, scratching it. The slap leaves a large, red mark on her cheek. She grabs it in pain and shock.

"I serve no one. Not you, not them, not anyone."

"Apologize now, Dog!"

"No! I will not apologize for what is deserved! Now leave!"

"You do not have to tell us what to do. Apologize, or die!" Dave's godhead defends Jade's, pulling out his sword.

"DIE?! YOU DO NOT TELL ME TO DO ANYTHING, BOY! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO KILL ME!" Beq gets in the Knight's face, bearing his massive fangs at the frightened godhead. "I AM THE ONE WITH THE OMNISCIENCE HERE! I NOW EXACTLY HOW TO KILL YOU!" He gives a warning. "YOU ARE MY GUEST. YOU ARE ALL MY GUESTS! AND THEREFORE, YOU WILL NOT SPEAK THAT WAY TO ME!" He glares at all of them. "THIS GAME THAT YOU PLAY WITH YOUR MORTAL SELVES HAS LONG OVERSTAYED ITS WELCOME, JUST AS YOU ALL HAVE IN MY HOME! LEAVE NOW! IF ANY OF YOU SO MUCH AS SHOW YOURSELVES ON OR ABOVE MY PROPERTY, I WILL NOT HESITATE TO KILL YOU!" The house develops a deathly green glow as Bequerius' anger grows, which frightens the godheads. Whether they like it or not, they realize that they are powerless against a first guardian, even Jade's who has Becquerel's powers. She doesn't have full omniscience of her universe because of the way Bec was created, and she has nowhere near any form of omniscience of this universe, making it impossible to know what will happen next when battling Bequerius. Frightened and begrudging, they all leave. Deciding whether or not to heed the Guardian's warning.

* * *

"Guys, I think we forgot Gamzee," Kanaya informed everyone just as a loud thunderclap engulfs their van.

* * *

Back at home, Gamzee wakes up, hearing a loud thunderclap. He looks outside to see a frightening green glow in the direction of the First Guardian's mansion. "Well, it looks like someone angered the motherfucker," he says to himself. He hopes it was John because if it was, no more Egderp to deal with, but the First Guardian could've also killed everyone to, so at the same time, he hopes they had already left.

He gets dressed and heads down to the basement. There, he pulls a couple of bright green pies out from under the furnace. He takes them back upstairs to Karkat. "Here, Karbro, I brought you some lunch."

Karkat stirs and opens his eyes, which meet two sopor slime pies being held in front of his face. "You brought two," he asks, surprised.

"Yeah, motherfucker. I thought you deserved it." After he says that Karkat digs into one, and then the other. "Now, remember though, this is our motherfuckin' secret."

"Yeah," Karkat says with his mouth full of sopor slime.

"Seriously, bro, not even John can know."

"Uh huh." Karkat keeps eating. "I haven't told him yet."

"Good."Gamzee watches for a minute. "You finish that up and I'll be right back." Karkat ignores him and keeps eating. He finishes the two pies five minutes later.

Gamzee come back with a rag after painting his face and enjoying a slice of sopor pie himself. He wipes off Karkat's face, cleans up the vomit on the floor which Karkat never did clean, and grabs a garbage can for him in case he throws up again, because, you know, trolls and buckets don't mix very well outside of mating…

Anyway, for right now, the two have the house all to themselves. Gamzee decided to get out monopoly, a game which John introduced to the trolls trying to help them understand this human concept of "capitalism." Karkat, for some reason always picks the car as his token. Gamzee always picks the hat because there isn't a horn and he likes hats, for some odd reason.

Perhaps this is the day Karkat finally beats his stoner juggalo moirail, though he kind of doubts it.

* * *

"Really? I know that didn't just happen," John says annoyed. "I guess this is what we get for not following the First Guardian's directions exactly."

"John, it's okay," Rose says reassuringly, though there is a hint of annoyance in her voice as well. "It's only a blown tire."

"Do you at least have a spare?"

Rose thinks for a couple seconds. "Uh…no." John raises hands in that "of course" manner humans are known to do when they are annoyed at something.

"John, just calm your tits," Dave says. "By the looks of you, it would appear that this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened."

"No, but it adds to the despair."

"John, don't you think 'despair' is a rather strong word," Kanaya asks in her motherly tone. Due to her jade-blooded nature, it's hard for her not to.

"It all depends. Am I completely miserable? Yes, yes I am! 'Despair' is not a strong word. In fact, I would call it rather weak!"

"John, I said calm your tits."

"Dave, that would be easier to do if I still had tits!" Everyone looks at John, kind of creeped out that he would even say that. "I mean nipples, or whatever they're called on boys."

"Look, everyone," Rose says, "I'll call mom for help." She gets on the phone and calls home. Roxy picks up.

"Hello?"

"Roxy, put mom on the phone."

"You mom, or me mom?"

"You mom."

"Okay, I'm here. Why are you calling?"

"Roxy, this isn't the time for joking. Put the youher on the phone now."

"Fine! Whatever! Just get your panties untangled."

Rose waits for a couple minutes while the teenage Roxy goes and gets the grown up Roxy. John just sits on the edge of the road waiting for nothing.

Now would be a good time to explain their position. After they had left, Bequerius had a little confrontation with the godheads, which ended with them fleeing for their lives and a shockwave ripping through the surrounding few miles. Unfortunately, the front-right tire on Rose's minivan had a weak spot, which blew from the force of the ultrasonic sound wave ripping through the air. The wave itself was heard as a loud thunderclap for tens of miles into the areas surrounding Beq Mansion. In other words, Bequerius is not one to fuck with.

"Hello," a voice calls from the phone.

"Mom, finally," Rose says.

"No, I'm just kidding. It's still me."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Yeah, I am. But it's actually me this time."

"Are you drunk again?!"

"For once, no. I'm just as surprised as you are."

"Good. I need you to bring the spare tire for us."

"Why, what happened?"

"During that weird thunderclap one of the tires blew out. We've been left stranded here because of that."

"Where are you?"

"Some country road leading back into town from the First Guardian's mansion."

"Okay. I'll be right there…it is the only one going there, right?"

"Yes. And it's kind of hard to miss us. We're the only ones out here; stranded in the middle of fucking nowhere."

"Rosaline, watch your language. I'll be there in about twenty minutes to get you your tire."

"Thanks. Bye."

"Bye."

Well that could've been less painful. Roxy has always been difficult to talk to as an adult, just as Rose is as an adult. Like mother, like daughter. Suddenly, breaking the silence and tension, Kanaya calls out, "Everyone, if you can all come here, I have something to say regarding John's condition."

Everyone gathers around a large oak tree beside the road where shade is provided. Once the kids are all seated, Kanaya begins. "I have been thinking," she says, "John, I may know what is wrong with you."

"Really? After all that sciency stuff with those cyst things, you think you know what's wrong." John can't be more annoyed at a time like this. "Does it involve me dying? Because that's what I would really like to do right now."

"John, that makes me want to not tell you what's wrong. But, because I'm trying to be a good friend here, I will anyway."

"Just spit it out, trollpire."

"Okay, I have no idea what that means…but anyway, John, I think you are a weretroll."

"A what now," Dave asks.

"A weretroll. It is another species that becomes a troll. It is an old Alternian and Beforan legend. It isn't known how one becomes a weretroll, but most likely you've been in contact with another."

"Do you know how to cure it," John asked, suddenly more worried than annoyed.

"No, but I do know that unless you are cured by the second bilunar perigee of the first dark season' equinox, the condition will become permanent. John, if we don't cure you by then, you will be a troll for the rest of your life." John's lower jaw somehow finds its way to the ground. Like seriously, woah. "John, are you okay?"

He is shaken out of his stupor. "Yeah, I-I'm just shaken by all this, that's all." he has no idea how to even begin to wrap his mind around this. Seriously, a weretroll? That sounds like werewolf. But those don't exist. I don't think so, anyway.

"So, what you're saying is that John was bitten by a troll and is now becoming one," Dave asked rhetorically.

"Uh, I don't know," Kanaya replies, not knowing the definition of the word "rhetorical."

"Kinky," Dirk chimes in. John's face goes red.

"Just shut up," John says, a little embarrassed at Dave and Dirk's comments. "Kanaya, do you know for sure if I'm a 'weretroll?'"

"No, but I'm pretty sure of it." After saying that, she pulls out her phone and begins a new trolllog.

* * *

**Author: Trollpire is John's new insult word for "rainbow drinker," or "troll vampire."**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author: I should be working on a History paper right now...but this is more interesting, so...yeah...**

**Enjoy this new chapter where nothing really happens, but is just there as a filler type thing where stuff actually does happen just to be a little random. Sorry if it seems to be all over the place.**

* * *

- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling [ ] at 13:15 –

GA: I Think I May Know Whats Wrong With John

(I bet you do.)

GA: You Arent Going To Tell Me If Im Correct In My Assumption

(You haven't told me what it is yet.)

GA: Oh Well I Do Believe He May Have Become A Weretroll

GA: Is This Theory Correct

(Yes. You are correct in assuming the worst possible scenario for his condition.)

GA: So He Is A Weretroll

(I do believe that is what I just typed, yes. Do you wish for me to go into depth about it?)

GA: Yes

GA: I Know What A Weretroll Is

GA: I Just Dont Know How It Happens

(Okay, it is difficult to choose an area to begin the synopsis, but I will explain in the best way possible.)

Kanaya attempts to fully understand the concept of a weretroll. Of course it is similar to a werewolf in many ways, but there are certain criteria that must be met, meanwhile, Adult Roxy hasn't yet shown up with the spare tire.

-Current tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering future tipsyGnostalgic [FTG] at 13:12 -

TT: Mom, where are you?

TT: Hello?

TT: Damn it, woman. Answer your damn pesterlog!

FTG: sorry i cant find you

TT: What do you mean "I can't find you?"

FTG: ive been driving for like a half hour and havent seen you or your friends

TT: Well, we haven't seen you either, so you must be on the wrong road.

FTG: no im on the right road

TT: What road would that be?

FTG: …

FTG: the one youre on

TT: Oh my god, you don't even know what road you're on?

TT: I can't believe you.

TT: I really can't.

FTG: well it isnt my fault you never said which one it was

TT: I did too. I said it was the only country road leading to the First Guardian's mansion.

FTG: oh i thought you said going to the backyardigans

FTG: no wonder im confused

TT: Really?

FTG: what

TT: Really…

TT: The Backyardigans? Mom, they don't exist. They're fictional characters of a dumb television show. Besides, that was in our old universe. That show doesn't even exist here.

FTG: then where am I going

TT: I don't freaking know. You are probably going in the completely opposite direction of us.

TT: Just…wow. Right when we actually need your help, you fail miserably at providing it.

FTG: glad to see im appreciated

TT: Keep doing crap like this and you won't be.

TT: When can we expect you here with the tire?

FTG: perhaps about another hour since i made a mistake

TT: You made more than a mistake.

- Current tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering future tipsyGnostalgic [FTG] -

Okay, let's face it, Adult Roxy is a screw up. A major. Screw up. Rose facepalms.

* * *

Back home, Karkat has lost his and Gamzee's monopoly game (he lost in fifteen minutes) and now they sit together on the bed, heads together, watching tv. Their eyes are glazed over and pupils large from excess amounts of sopor pie. They stare at the screen, amazed by the flashing colors.

"Woah," Gamzee says, awestruck.

"Yeah," Karkat replies, smile forming on his face. "This is motherfuckin' amazing."

"You said it my motherfuckin' best friend."

They both sit, beginning to drift off into a doped stupor when the front door begins to unlock itself.

"Yo man, is John home already," Karkat asks.

"Does it really matter, Karbro?"

"Nah, I was just motherfuckin' wondering."

The two are stoned beyond recognition. Fortunately, Gamzee knows to put his human disguise on because Dad walks in the room a moment later. "Have either of you seen…what—what are you two doing?"

"We're just getting our motherfuckin' chill on," Karkat says, not even trying to hide his high.

"Karkat, are you—"

"I am motherfuckin' perfect, bro."

"Gam—"

"I am too, motherfucker."

"Should I be worried about you two?"

"Nah, man. Just sit down, grab a pie, slam a faygo, and enjoy the colors on the tv," Karkat says, seemingly higher than before. Dad stares at the two, but mainly at Karkat, trying to figure out why the hell he's acting like this. He thought Karkat hated faygo and couldn't stand the sight of those weird pies Gamzee always makes. Seriously, what ingredients does he put in those things? They look radioactive.

"I'm just trying to find John. Have either of you seen him?"

"Nah, man. I think he went over to that one guy's place or whatever."

"Oh, shit, was that today?!" Gamzee suddenly becomes un-stoned or whatever. He'd completely forgotten about their meeting with the First Guardian. "They're probably dead because of me."

"What—Why would they be dead," Dad asked, worried the fuck out now.

"Because I didn't go! I was supposed to go, but I didn't. Now he probably got pissed and killed 'em all!" Gamzee runs out to the kitchen and grabs his key. When dad hears them jingle he call out to him, "Hey, wait for me! I'm coming too!" They both leave Karkat alone with all the _pretty…flashing…col…ors…_

And he's out of it. Karkat slips into a stoned coma.

* * *

A few hundred miles away, a little girl waits on a call from her daddy. What will the name of this little girl be?

Enter Name: TURDTRAMP WASTEOFSPACE

Try again, Smartass.

Enter Name: CASEY EGBERT

Much better…Dipshit…

As previously mentioned two lines ago, this little girl's name is Casey Egbert, the adopted daughter of John Egbert from the game. During the entrance into the new universe she was transformed into a human, so it wouldn't be weird having an adopted salamander daughter named after a character from John's favorite movie of all time. Right now, she sits at a picnic table awaiting a call from John. He usually calls her around this time every day to see how she's doing and what all she's learned. But today he hasn't called, and she's starting to feel sad.

As the camp leaders call everyone into the main building there, her phone begins to ring. Seeing it's John, she immediately picks up and begins to run inside with everyone else.

"Hello," she says happily.

"Casey."

"Yeah?"

"I have to tell you something very important, okay, sweetie?"

"Yeah."

"When you get home, I may not look the same as I did before, okay?"

"What?"

"Casey, just listen to me. Daddy isn't going to look the same when you get home. Don't panic or freak out, okay?"

"Okay." What the heck is he talking about? Did he get plastic surgery? Did his grumpy boyfriend, who Grandpa Dad doesn't know about, but does, do something to him? Did his grumpy boyfriend's weird stoner friend do something to hurt him? All these thoughts run in her mind as she tries to understand what John's trying to say.

"What do you mean," she asks nervously.

"Okay, everyone, I need you all to pay attention to me," the camp leader calls out before Casey can get an answer.

"Okay, daddy, I need you to call back later. I have to go. I love you. Bye."

* * *

"I love you too, sweetie. Bye." John hangs up the phone. Great there goes his perfect opportunity to tell Casey that he's turning into some horrible bea…I mean kind, friendly, misunderstood human-like creature.

"Well, how did it go," Dave walks over to John to sit down and talk.

"I didn't get to tell her. She had to go before I could." John stares at his phone. "To be honest, Dave, I can't even think of how this would've happened."

"Well, Kanaya's over there chatting with that Bequareeus guy, or whatever his name is, trying to get some answers."

"Dave, she's been chatting with him for six hours. The sun is going down. If she hasn't gotten any yet, who's to say he's going to tell her anything?"

"Well, I guess you're right. I mean, after all, he does have some of GCat in him. I've heard that GCat wasn't the best First Guardian ever, always causing mischief and mayhem wherever he or she went."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"What?"

"Well, I would assume you're right about that because today was the first time I've ever heard of GCat."

"You need to get on top of things, Egbert."

"Hehe, yeah…on top."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing." _Come on, John focus. You can't just slip up like that. What you and Karkat do is your business. _

"John, you've been acting weird all day."

"Oh, I'm coming, Kanaya." John panics. Kanaya, hearing her name, turns around to find out what's wrong and John comes running over.

"John, I didn't hear Kanaya say anything…and there he goes." Dave was just having a nice little chat with his best bro and he runs away. Typical John.

John runs up to Kanaya to make it look believable. Not expecting a response, he jumps at Kanaya's, "What do you need?"

"Uh, I just came over here to escape Dave."

"Why? Is he making you uncomfortable?"

"No, I…I just keep saying the wrong things."

"Oh. Well it's a good thing you came over here. I was about to gather everyone anyway."

"Why?"

"Bequerius is almost done informing me about your condition."

"What," John says flatly.

"Yes, it is a very complex thing. So complex that it has taken this entire time to explain. He's almost done though."

"How do you know that?"

"He said so."

John's phone begins to ring. "Who's calling, John," Kanaya asks.

"It's Dad. He probably wants to know where we are." As he goes to answer his phone it shuts off. "No!" He begins smacking the sides and pressing the power button, anything to turn it on. "The battery can't be dead! Oh, man, Dad's going to kill me!"

* * *

"Gamzee! Slow the fuck down! You're going to kill us or take out an axle or both!" Dad is thrown everywhere as Gamzee hits pothole after pothole going a hundred miles per hour. "Do you even know where we are?!"

"No! I thought we were just gonna drive around and look for them!" Really?! Dad would be facepalming soooooooo hard right now if it wasn't for being tossed around by Gamzee flying through potholes.

"They could be dead right now and we could be going in the complete opposite direction! Where does this First Guardian guy live?!"

"I don't know! I was just going to drive around until we found it!"

Dad takes his phone out and dials John. The line closes almost immediately. "Damn it! His phone's dead!" Now he becomes really worried. Hemay never see John again.

* * *

Karkat opens up the refrigerator door. Being high has made him hungry…for more sopor pie. Now he just has to find Gamzee's stash. His eyes are droopy and he feels tired after just waking up from what he thought may have been a small coma, but it just turned out to be a slime-induced nap. The nap was just enough to start to bring him out of his so desperately wanted high. HE NEEDS MORE FUCKING PIE!

Anyway, Karkat searches the entire kitchen, but to no avail. _Where else would Gamzee keep his pies?_ Good question. _If I was some sort of ecstatic pie, where would I hide from Joahn's Dad? *John's*_

_The attic?_ No, the attic is inaccessible. _The basement? _Perhaps. Karkat travels down to the basement in search of the beloved green goo.

Unfortunately he makes it to the first step before his loopiness causes him to trip. He falls face first down fifteen steps and hits the hardwood floor with a thud. He is knocked out yet again from being completely high beyond recognition.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author: So, with the last chapter I learned that one of my friends has a mancrush on Karkat, which wouldn't be so creepy if he wasn't "Luke." Though he did say not to think about it too much, it's just kind of hard not to.  
**

**But, on a side note, "Eskimo Lion?" Really, what were you smoking when you came up with that pen name?**

**Anyway, Enjoy this chapter where you learn a little bit more about weretrolls.**

**.**

* * *

**.**

Karma's a Bitch.

Dad sits in a ditch on his knees, his elbows resting on his thighs and hands gripping the sides of his head. His face holds the look of terror, and his stomach feeling no better. He breathes heavily after just vomiting on the side of the road. There is no way he's getting back in the car with Gamzee, unless he drives. Ten minutes ago he had Gamzee pull over because he was feeling ill and threw up as soon as he stepped out onto the shoulder.

Since then Gamzee has been literally honking the horn. Dad has yet to figure out how Gamzee managed to make it sound like a clown horn, but it was getting annoying. "Alright! I'm coming!" He walks back up to the vehicle and around to the driver side. He opens the door and without saying anything, throws Gamzee out. He climbs in and replaces the juggalo as the driver. As if there is a mutual understanding between the two, Gamzee runs over to the passenger side and climbs in. "Gamzee, remind me to never _ever_ let you drive me, or this car, anywhere ever again." With that he takes off in the opposite direction from which they were previously advancing. Dad doesn't know who this First Guardian guy is, but he will find him, and kill him.

.

* * *

.

The kids and troll gather around the back of the van. The door is open to allow a couple of them to sit comfortably. The others either stand or sit on the ground. John and Jake sit in the van. The two look identical except for their hair, eyes and clothes…and the fact that John is a little bit grayer than normal, now with claws on his hands. Ten minutes ago he got an itch on his arm and when he went to scratch it he tore his skin. He looked to see he has sharp claws for fingernails.

Kanaya begins talking. "Okay, everyone, I have conversed with the first guardian and now know exactly what's wrong with John. I know how it happens, I just don't know how it possibly could, considering that the nearest troll that could've possibly done this would be over a hundred miles away in a tribe."

"Just spit it out already," John says impatiently.

"It has been confirmed that you are, in fact, a weretroll. But you are a certain specific kind of weretroll." Kanaya almost sounds intrigued by that fact, though she's just the messenger and learned this a couple hours ago.

"What kinds of weretrolls are there? In human culture we have a thing called a werewolf, but there's only one kind."

"A were…what?"

"Wolf, were wolf."

"What's that?"

Obviously Kanaya doesn't know as much about human culture as she had thought. "Kanaya, werewolf in English translates into _human wolf_ or _wolf man_." John can't believe this.

"What's a wolf?"

"It's uh…" Dirk begins. He can't remember what Terezi said was the troll word for wolf. He knows "dog" is "woofbeast," but he can't think of "wolf." "I think in your speak it would be a 'growly woofbeast.'"

"Oh," Kanaya hides the fact that what Dirk just said makes absolutely no sense at all, but she heard "woofbeast" so she assumes it has something to do with dogs. "But, as I was saying, John, unlike your 'werewolf' myths, weretrolls come in several different types."

"Then which one am I?"

"You would be a second-generation weretroll."

"A what?"

"A second-generation weretroll—it is a creature that has been bitten by a first-generation weretroll…passionately."

John's eyes widen. Everyone notices. "Ooh, John's guilty of something," Jake says mockingly and gives a playful punch to John's arm.

"John, have you had any passionate moments with a first-generation weretroll?"

"Uh…" is all he manages.

"Can you…show, us," Kanaya asks cautiously. After a moment, John tugs the collar of his shirt to reveal a full set of bite marks just above his left shoulder.

"I only did it with Karkat," he squeaks.

"How long ago," Rose asks.

"Last Thursday, the day before he became ill."

"So, that would mean that Karkat is a first-generation weretroll," Dave asks, surprised.

"He couldn't be," Kanaya says in shock. "He has never given any signs or symptoms of being one."

"What are the signs," John asks.

"Well, violent mood swings, which Karkat only has one mood: mad—therefore he can't have mood swings, let alone violent ones."

"Is that all?"

"I do believe that's the main one."

"So, what happens with the bite where it has to be a passionate one," Dave asks.

"Well, for some reason, troll genetics, unlike human or other animals, can only be carried through reproductive acts and emotions. And unlike humans, trolls can only reproduce when the emotions are either love, or hate. Trolls can't just have sex for fun like you, Dave."

"Woah, when did my sex life, like I even have one, get involved with this?"

"The minute you asked about the passionate kiss," John says, slightly annoyed.

"Anyway," Kanaya continues, "During a normal bite, saliva typically surrounds the marks and helps heal them, but during a passionate, love or hate-filled one some cells are scraped off the insides of the mouth by a tiny temporary spike on the tongue. Usually, the troll isn't even conscious of this reaction, but once the cells make contact with the blood, of any species, they break apart and the deoxyribonucleic acid stored within them attempts to 'break into' the other surrounding cells. Only first-generation weretroll deoxyribonucleic acid—"

"Kanaya, you could just say DNA instead. It saves a lot of time and breath." Rose lets out a small chuckle.

"Whatever, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, only first-generation weretroll deoxyribonucleic acid is powerful enough to penetrate the cellular membranes. From there it makes its way into the nucleus and takes over, kind of like a virus. But it doesn't reproduce itself. No, instead the new code which has taken over tells the cell to form a wall. The surrounding cells notice this, especially since the original infected cell leaks out a hormone telling the others to follow suit, and begin to do the same. After this process, the _DNA_ in the other cells react to the hormone released and begins to transform into the troll DNA. After this, the DNA tells the cells to realign themselves to a more familiar pattern, more resembling that of a troll.

"Unfortunately this process, like I said before, has only until the second bilunar perigee of the first dark season' equinox until it becomes permanent."

"Great, when is that in our time," John asks hopelessly.

"Well, I do believe that…" Kanaya begins calculating in her head, "let's see here, carry the one…subtract the apogee from the Earthian cycle…" she talks to herself, "Doing the math, it comes out to Wednesday of next week."

"Okay, that means we have a little over a week to find a cure," John says.

"Well, it may be Tuesday, or even Thursday. All I'm certain of is that it's one of those three days."

"Okay."

"Anyway, onto more interesting information: something very peculiar happens to the first-generation weretroll after the passionate bite."

"And that would be what," asks Jade. She's already concerned about her brother, and now, being closer to Karkat than ever, she's beginning to become more worried about his well being as well.

"Well, I'm glad you asked, sort of. I was going to say before you interrupted."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, Jade. Now, what happens is that after the passionate bite, the first-generation weretroll becomes violently ill, before temporarily becoming a part of the victim's species."

.

* * *

.

Meanwhile, back at John and karkat's house, Jane unlocks the door and steps in, and flips on a light. Behind her, Terezi helps Sollux into the door. Sollux barely makes it in without falling flat on his blind face.

"Why didn't you just ask Aranea to cure your sight," Jane asks.

"Because I didn't feel like it," Sollux replies grumpily.

"Ugh," Jane says, pinching that little bridge between her eyes…whatever it's called, "you two are imbeciles."

"Says the batterwitch's heiress," Terezi retaliates.

"Yes, hahaha. I laugh, ha ha." Jane gives a mock laugh. Then realizes something. "I wonder why no one's back yet."

"I don't know. We just came to see Karkles."

"Yeah, now that you mention it, I haven't heard him or seen or heard Gamzee yet either."

"You think that maybe you should search for them," Sollux asks.

"Good idea," Jane says enthusiastically. And then, having a brain fart, she says, "Sollux, you search downstairs." Really, Jane, really?

"Uh, you do realize that you just told a blind person to search a basement, alone, right," Sollux complains.

"Oh, Sollux, stop being such a wiggler," Terezi begins scolding him. "I was blind for how long?! Hell, I lived in a fucking treehive, hanging scalemates off the branches, walking, no, running along the branches, and even had to climb a fucking rope to get in and out of it! If I can do all that, you can handle a task as simple as going down a few fucking steps and looking downstairs!"

"But you were able to smell colors and all that shit. I can't."

"I was doing all that before I was taught to smell and taste color. Now go, you big grub!"

"Ugh, fine. If it means so much to you that I get hurt, so be it." With that Sollux heads in the wrong direction.

"Sollux, the stairs are the other way," Jane says.

"Whatever." Jane grabs his hand and takes him over to the door. As he goes down the steps, Jane and Terezi search upstairs. "Karkat," they shout, hoping for a response. "Gamzee!"

Sollux does the same thing, but thirteen steps down he trips over something blocking the steps and falls flat on his stomach, hitting his jaw on the floor. "Ow." He feels something rather warm and squishy beneath his feet as he tries to get up. Jane and Terezi run over to the basement door to see if he's okay when they see it.

"Uh, Sollux," Jane begins.

"What?"

"I think you just found Karkat."

"Really? Where?"

"You just tripped over him, you klutz," Terezi says."

"What? Oh, KK," he says, bending down to console Karkat, "Ii diidn't mean two hurt you."

Jane and Terezi are immediately surprised when they hear Sollux's voice.

"But you have two admiit," Sollux continues, "Karma'th a biitch, aiin't iit, Kk."

Prothethiing…

Prothethiing…

Prothethiing…

Prothethiing…

"Uh, Terethii, Jane, am Ii liithpiing?"

"Uh…" Jane and Terezi try to come up with some sort of answer. "No, not at all."

"Ii know you're lyiing."

Okay, so somehow his lisp came back. Perhaps it was because his false teeth were knocked out of place when his jaw hit the floor. Ironically, the same thing that took it away gave it back. Oh how lucky he is.

"Perhapth we should call a doctor."

.

* * *

.

Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away, Casey is getting ready for bed. John agreed to call her back, but he hasn't done anything yet. Suddenly her phone rings. Is Grandpa Dad.

"Hello?" She answers.

"Casey?" Great. It's daddy's grumpy boyfriend's weird stoner friend.

"Can you put grandpa on the phone?"

"Nah. He told me to call you, li'l sis."

"Put him on the phone."

"Woah, chill."

"No. Put grandpa on the phone now."

"Girl, I am starting to sober up. Now you talk to me or I kill grandpa."

"You do what now," Dad asks in a questioning tone, as if to give Gamzee the chance to change what he said. "Gamzee, I don't have time for this shit. Just ask her if she's heard from John and hang up and let her get to bed."

"Whatever." Gamzee goes back to the phone, "He wants to know if you've heard from John."

"Yes. He was supposed to call me back…but he hasn't." Casey's tone suddenly turns sad.

"Oh, well," Gamzee tries to think of what to say, "We've been looking for him for a few hours now. I think the reasoning is that I drove off in the wrong direction. Would you happen to know where the First Guardian lives?"

"Yes, who doesn't?"

"Me, your grandpa, and apparently the adult Lalondes. Adult Roxy has been trying to find them to get them a spare tire since like, 2:30." Beside him, Dad get's this look on his face that says "Really?! This information could've been helpful several hours ago."

"What happened with their tire?"

"I don't know. There was this weird little thunderclap and it caused a weak spot in their tire to go boom. Their van has been crippled ever since." Saying the word "crippled" makes him think of Tavros, who he had to leave behind in the Furthest Ring for obvious reasons. He wishes Tavros could've come, but he's dead. Dead people can't go inside universes.

"Oh. When he called he just told me that he wasn't going to look normal when I get back on Thursday."

"No, he won't. He looks all weird and shit."

"Gamzee! That is not the type of language to use with a ten-year-old!" Dad suddenly gets angry with Gamzee.

"Whatever. She's about to go to bed anyway. It's not like you haven't spoken that way around her before." Damn it, he has a point. There have been several occasions where Dad has accidentally let a word or two slip that weren't meant to slip. Oh well.

"I better get off here, sis. I think your grandpa is getting his blood all up in a boil."

"Okay, bye Gamzee."

"Bye li'l sis."

Casey hangs up the phone and puts her pajamas on. She crawls into bed, feeling a little bit better knowing that John is relatively safe. But what does everyone mean by "he looks different?"

.

* * *

.

"Well, it appears as though no one's coming to pick us up," Dirk says, sighing and getting up off the ground. "I think I'm going to just walk home."

"Jolly good idea, Dirk." Jake joins in. "Mind if I tag along?"

"Go ahead," Jade says with a smirk on her face, "You won't be followed." Everyone gives out little chuckles, except for Dave and Dirk, whose faces remain stoic. Jake blushes.

"For your information, Jade, I was just planning on walking. Jake just, I don't even know what he's planning on doing."

"I just want to go somewhere where there's warm, running water and a proper bathroom."

Everyone sits looking at the two boys with smiles on their faces. Then, of course, someone has to ruin the moment. "That awkward moment when we all realize that in the pre-scratch version of our original universe, Dirk and Jake's relationship would be considered necrophilia…" John states with the most serious look on his face.

"Oh my god, John," Jade says, surprised at John's weird, new imagination, "that's so horrible, but funny because it's true!" She, like the other three pre-scratch kids burst into laughter. Now, it's Dirk's turn to be confused for once.

"What does that mean," he asks seriously. He really has no idea. He knows what necrophilia is, he just doesn't know about pre-scratch Jake.

"Dirk," Rose says, coming out of her fit of laughter, "pre-scratch Jake was Jade's adopted grandfather/her and John's biological father. He was killed when Jade's dog Bec was told by Tavros to redirect a bullet she accidentally fired at herself to him and kill him, thinking he was an intruder. He was dead for almost a decade before we entered Sburb."

"What about me," Dirk asks.

"Pre-scratch you were Dave's bro/mine and his biological father. You were killed in a battle with Jack when he was prototyped with Bec."

"Oh, well this is awkward," Kanaya says.

"I feel so violated now," Jake complains. He really didn't need to know any of that.

"With all that aside, I do think that it may be the intelligent option to abandon our post here. I have watched some alarming increases of wild troll reports on the news. Wild trolls aren't the friendliest, and typically come out at night, and the sun is setting. If we begin walking now, we can make it a safe distance away from the woods before dark."

"Okay, I'll grab the flashlights." Rose goes over to the front of the van and gets the flashlights out of the glove box. "We should go now. Jake, you have any weapons with you?"

"Rose, you know I always carry a gun on me."

"Good. Let's be off, then."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author: Okay, just to clarify things, I do not have a necrophilia fetish. I was just pointing out that I think that, even though the ship may be perfect, it's a little weird to be set up like that.**

**Now, enjoy this new installment of Filler.**

**.**

* * *

**.**

Forgotten

"Well, I do believe he's going to have one hell of a headache when he wakes up," the paramedic checks Karkat over for any injuries after he's carried over to the couch. "Fortunately, that's it."

"Well, that's good news, I think." Jane is kind of relieved yet not at the same time. She never really could stand Karkat, mainly because of his attitude, but as long as John was happy, she was. She hates it but it's just her motherly nature towards him.

What's fortunate about the whole thing was that somehow the paramedic hadn't noticed the candy corn-like objects sticking out of Karkat's head. One of which was cracked from being hit against the wall or a step. "How long iith iit goiing two be before he waketh up?"

"I don't know, but if I had a guess, I would say perhaps an hour or so. It's usually hard to tell with someone as ill as he…and as high." It is pretty obvious that Karkat is extremely high considering how glazed over his eyes are when the paramedic shines a flashlight over them. Karkat lets out a small snore. "I would suggest staying with him so that another incident like this doesn't happen again."

"Okay. Thankth doctor." The paramedic leaves, wishing Karkat well. When he leaves, Terezi says, "Thank Gog he's finally gone. I hate people."

Jane gets that look on her face that just says "What?"

"Terezi, if you don't like people, why do you go to school with us?"

"Because I like school."

Jane facepalms. She then looks over at Karkat, who's busy being fondled by Sollux, who's trying not to completely fall over while slowly walking over to the chair. He fails miserably at not falling when he gains enough confidence to move away from the couch a little bit and trips over the coffee table. "Can thomeone pleathe help me get over two the chair?"

Jane begins to walk over, but is stopped by Terezi, who grabs her arm. "Let him do it himself. He needs to learn how to be more self-sufficient."

"Hey, Ii take great offenthe two that." Sollux gets up carefully. "Terethi, give me your cane."

"No, I don't have to. Besides, I don't carry it with me anymore, like I even needed it in the first place."

"Okay, firtht, you are obligated two because you know what it'th like two be blind. Thecondly, Ii know you're lyiing becauthe everywhere we go Ii here that thtupid thing click againtht the floor as you walk."

Jane, feeling sorry for poor little Sollux, walks up the stairs and grabs Terezi's cane. The truth behind it is that she carries it wherever she and Sollux goes just to brag that she has a cane and he doesn't. Jane walks back down and is met by Terezi, who scolds her for even helping the pathetic blind wimp. "Jane, you are hopless—" She is silenced by Jane snapping the cane over her head before duct-taping it back together and giving it to Sollux.

"Thankth. Wait, what did you do two Terethi?"

"I shut her up", Jane replies with a smile on her face, which poor Sollux can't see.

**.**

* * *

**.**

_SNAP. _"Aahh!" John is startled by something snapping behind the group as they walk.

"What is it this time," Kanaya asks, for the umpteenth time since they left the minivan on the road. Perhaps Adult Roxy has finally found it? No, most likely she hasn't.

"I heard something snap. Guys, I think we're being followed," John says nervously.

"John you're imagining things. You're just scared. If you want we'll let you up front so you don't get dragged off by complete nothingness." Everyone but John laughs, even the two stoic Striders. "Dave, you're supposed to have my back in stuff like this," John complains.

"Sorry, John, but nowhere in the contract does it say that best bros have to have each others' backs in things like this." Dave chuckles.

"Look, everyone just calm down," Rose says. "We're only a couple miles away from the city. It'll only take about another hour of walking to get to Kanaya's and my house."

John still acts nervous. "Something tells me this is going to be a long hour."

**.**

* * *

**.**

Gamzee gets back in the car and immediately lights a blunt he got off someone a couple blocks away while Dad puts gas in the vehicle. "GAMZEE!"

"What, motherfucker?"

"THROW THAT THING AWAY!"

"Nah, man, I need to get my high on unless you want me to kill us both."

"FINE, BUT DON'T SMOKE IT IN THE CAR! Take it back behind the building where no one sees." Please, someone remind Dad why exactly he agreed to let Gamzee live at his house before he kills him.

Dad walks inside the gas station to pay for the gas and get a soda when he notices the story on the news on tv. He asks the clerk to turn up the volume.

"No one knows exactly what caused the loud explosion, but the property and surrounding areas do appear to be unaffected." The anchor rambles on about some odd explosion that happened earlier. That must've been that weird thunder that Dad heard. The anchor continues, "Fortunately, the seven kids who were last seen inside were able to leave in time before the explosion. The First Guardian, however, was not. As of right now, it is uncertain whether or not he survived. Some people argue yes, because he's omniscient, and others argue no for unknown reasons."

"You wouldn't happen to know where the First Guardian lives, would you," Dad asks the clerk when he pays for his soda.

"Yeah, he lives at Beq Mansion. Why? I don't think they'll let anyone until they solve what happened there earlier."

"I'm trying to find my son. He was one of those seven kids that went there earlier and haven't been seen since."

The clerk gets a sad look on his face, as though he knows what Dad is going through with his son being missing. "I don't think they would have made it far before that explosion. I would check that old country road leading up to it."

"Oh my god, I can't believe that. I know exactly where they are," Dad says to himself. "Thank you." He rushes out the door.

Dad gets in the car and drives off away from the gas station toward Beq Mansion. Seconds after he speeds off, Gamzee stumbles out of the alley behind the gas station.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author: I know it's about a half hour late in my time zone, but Happy Easter anyway. :o) **

**):B **

**Well, Happy Easter to you too, Karkat.**

* * *

**.**

High and Frightened

Karkat wakes with a jolt. He immediately grabs his head in pain, and feels that his left horn is cracked. He tries to hold in a scream, but slightly fails, letting out a small, but loud whimper. After a couple minutes the pain subsides enough for him to open his eyes. _How did I get down here?_ He looks over and sees Sollux lying in a chair, sound asleep. He touches his left horn again. The pain is excruciating, but he keeps his fingers on long enough to feel that the horn isn't just cracked, but split at the top. He figures that conventional ibuprofen isn't going to help, so he decides to search for Gamzee's sopor stash. He carefully gets up off the couch. He remains careful as to not bob his head the wrong way or get hair on the cracks or split in his horn.

Karkat sneaks around the basement, careful not to wake Sollux. How would he react if he found out Karkat is addicted to sopor slime?

Karkat makes his way out of the living area and into this place humans call a furnace room. Unaware of the low-hanging pipes, his head accidentally brushes against one, irritating his horn. "GOG DAMMIT! SON OF A FUCKASS!" He shouts many profanities, effectively waking Sollux who tries to find Karkat but trips over the coffee table again. "Kk, you okay?"

Hearing Sollux, Karkat quiets down. "Kk, Ii heard you thoutiing. Ii know you're awake." Wait, did he lisp? Since when does Sollux lisp?! Karkat effectively ended that whole thing when he dropped Sollux down the stairs…wait…stairs…_Yeah, that's how I got down here…_

Quietly, hoping that Sollux or that Jane bitch won't walk in on him trying to find out what's wrong, Karkat makes his way around the room, searching every corner, every nook…hehe, nook… and cranny, and eventually the furnace. Inside the furnace he finds two round bright green trays of goo. _Is this seriously how Gamzee bakes those things?_ Karkat doesn't care though. He just wants sweet relief from the pain that is his left horn. He reaches in and, despite the searing heat, grabs a tray and consumes the entire pie, still mostly unbaked, but has the same effects. Within minutes his pupils are dilated and he's hearing colors and tasting sound. He looks down at his hand, which is red and burnt from the red hot pie tray he pulled out of the furnace. "I should probably treat that," he says in a weird, childish, innocent tone, but right now, he's just too high to care.

He stumbles out of the furnace room and back into the living area, where Sollux has found his way back into the chair, still waiting for him to respond. Karkat silently creeps past him, moving into the downstairs parlor. He never could understand the difference between the living area and the parlor, given that the words mean the same thing, but the Egberts and that Crocker bitch insist otherwise.

Upon entering the parlor, Karkat "silently" trips over air, alerting Sollux of his presence. "Kk, you can thtop tryiing two hiide. Ii already know you're down here."

What exactly doesn't Karkat want Sollux to know again? He forgets. "Solus, can u help me fine Gamze's slime shot?"

"What the fuck? Kk, are you high?"

"So moterfuckin' hi. You have know ideas."

Sollux does a facepalm x3 combo. x3 because Karkat joins in and slaps him, thinking that is the object of some game Sollux is playing. "Kk, Ii think you miight have two lie down for a bit."

"Why, Slolux?"

"Becauthe you're tho doped up on thopor thliime that your thpeech ith thlurriing."

"Hehe, you tok funny."

"Yeth, Ii can thank you for that." he grabs Karkat's wrist quickly while he still knows where it's at and drags the unwilling, high, usually ill-tempered troll over to the coffee table, where he flings Karkat the rest of the way to the couch so he doesn't have to risk tripping over it for the umpteenth time. He fails at not falling when he accidentally brushes too far against it and loses his balance, knocking his glass of water off the table and onto the carpet.

**.**

* * *

**.**

"Guys, my head hurts," John complains.

"John, our heads hurt just from you talking," Dave becomes increasingly impatient with the weretroll with every word spoken. Everyone's heads hurting is actually an understatement. As is John's headache.

"Seriously, guys, I feel like I'm about to pass out."

"Just hold on for about another twenty minutes, John. We're almost to Kanaya's and my house." Rose attempts to be comforting, but there exists a hint of frustration in her voice.

Another twig snaps behind the group. "Guys, seriously, that's like, the sixth snap I heard behind us." John attempts to complain. It seems that's all he's good at at the current moment.

"John, I wouldn't be quite so sure it was behind us," Kanaya says, a hint of fear in her voice.

"What do you mean, that was definitely behind us. It sounded like it was only a few feet behind me!"

"John, Look!" Kanaya points in front of her. John looks around her and sees a tall figure with horns that seem taller than Gamzee's, if that's even possible. One horn curves inward and comes to a sharp fishhook point. The other splits around the middle and swirls into three different spirals. It wears nothing but a loincloth and a pouch on its back. It has a weird symbol tattooed onto its bare chest. It stands, bearing its razor-sharp fangs and growling at the group, arming what appears to be a bow with a razor-sharp bone arrow. Seeing this, Kanaya goes into an adrenalin rush and pulls out her jade-colored lipstick, which quickly transforms into a revving chainsaw. She runs toward the wild troll and is almost hit by a car speeding along, running over the wild troll and slamming on the brakes. The driver turns on the headlights, which reveal three more trolls behind the six kids and Kanaya. The window rolls down. "Kids, get in the car, now!"

"Dad!" John becomes the most ecstatic kid in the group when he hears Dad's voice. They open the car doors and rush in as the wild trolls begin running toward the vehicle. When the last kid enters the automobile, Dad slams the accelerator down to the floor before the doors can close, effectively wiping out two of the trolls. About a hundred feet down the country road, he makes a sharp three-point turn and slams the accelerator to the floor again, running over and killing the last troll. He speeds off toward the city. His hands remain white-knuckled for several miles after the incident.

"John, you should really keep your phone fully charged." Dad has a stern tone in his voice, but there is a hint of relief there as well.

"Sorry, I think that weird explosion wiped out most of the battery life."

"It's okay. I was just extremely worried about you all."

"Is Karkat okay," John says, hoping to move the conversation over to something else and not make it awkward."

"I sure hope so. The poor guy was left all alone when me and Gamzee—OH MY GOD, I FORGOT GAMZEE AT THE GAS STATION!" A sudden realization sets in as Dad looks around the car and gets a worried expression on his face. Actually, it was more terror than worry. Sure, he doesn't like Gamzee very well, but the juggalo does frighten the shit out of him sometimes, and he just wants to stay on the creature's good side. "Kids," he tries to stay calm-ish, but fails, "we'll be taking a short detour before I return everybody to their proper homes…probably for the last time in my mortal life…"

"Mr. Egbert," Kanaya tries to be reassuring, "if it means anything, I don't think Gamzee will kill you for leaving him alone in a strange place. That happened once back at our old homes and the guy was only in the intensive care unit for about three weeks before he was sent home. Of course he became a quadriplegic after that, but I don't think he'll kill you." Okay, that may have failed at being comforting.

"Yeah, that makes me feel better." He then finishes off with, "I'd rather be dead than quadriplegic," under his breath.

* * *

Back at the gas station, the poor, abandoned stoner has struck up a friendly conversation with the clerk. The station was supposed to close a half-hour ago, but the clerk decided to let Gamzee stay until someone picks him up. Call the clerk crazy, but Gamzee is actually appealing to him. He might try to get his number, assuming Gamzee even has a phone.

But that chance wouldn't come tonight because finally, minutes later, Dad and the kids and Kanaya pull into the parking lot. Seeing this, Gamzee quickly finishes up the conversation and says goodbye to the clerk. The clerk says his farewell as well and wishes Dad good luck. Gamzee seems hot about being left behind.

Gamzee hops in the passenger seat in the front of the car. After he closes the door he becomes serious, even though he is extremely high. "So, is this a new trend goin' on; leave the motherfuckin' clown alone at gas stations?"

"Gamzee, I swear I didn't mean to leave you behind." Dad pleas to Gamzee, trying to receive his forgivness. "I was just exited to find out that the others behind you were still alive that I guess I was just in too much of a hurry to find them that I forgot that you were with me. Just please don't hurt me."

"Nah, motherfucker, I ain't going to hurt you now. It's too dangerous with everyone else in here. But sometime, somewhere, somehow, I will summon all the motherfuckin' miracles I can to exact my revenge upon you. It may be later today, it may be next year, or it may be three minutes into the motherfuckin' past. But believe me when I warn you, motherfucker, there will be bloodshed, and I will drink and bathe and paint with that blood for as long as it flows from your limp, almost lifeless, pathetic body! Your body will become my bitch, and I will become its murderous, bloodthirsty pimp, you understand that, motherfucker?" Gamzee stares at Dad coldly, with a bloodlust showing clearly in his indigo irises. Dad gulps loudly and nervously as he nods, feeling Gamzee's murderous glare on his jugular vein.

It's a good thing Gamzee is high off his motherfuckin' rocker right now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author: Mr. Eskimo Lion, you can accept the whole Gas Station Clerk x Gamzee as payback for having red feelings for Karkat. **

**But for everyone else, here is another chapter. Enjoy.**

* * *

Persuasion

**.**

"I still don't see why we have to stay here with you tonight," Dirk says as they walk in the door to the Egbert/Crocker/Vantas/Makara household.

"Because if anything happens you all are witnesses." Dad says jokingly, but serious. "It's as simple as that."

"Nothing's going to happen," Kanaya tries her best to comfort Dad. "I doubt that by time he comes out of his high he'll even remember this."

"I don't know, Kanaya," Jane says, coming out of the bathroom, "he sure does have quite the memory, especially when he's high."

"Jane, do you even know what we're talking about?"

"I'm pretty sure it's about Gamzee."

Kanaya is shocked that Jane would even know that. "How did you know?"

"He came in as angry as could be and slammed the door to his room. I could hear him over the water in the shower. He didn't sound too pleased at the world."

"Okay, just…go to your room or whatever. You aren't helping anything."

"Okay…" Jane gets that look that says, "Whatever, creep." She goes down to the basement where Karkat, Sollux, and now Terezi are. They decide to have a little fun with the high-as-fuck Karkitty before he sobers up. Hopefully John won't come downstairs hoping to figure out what's wrong.

Back upstairs, John goes into his and Karkat's room and collapses onto the bed. Perhaps he can sleep the headache off.

In the living room Dad jokingly/seriously tells everyone that they'll be sleeping either in Gamzee's room, just outside Gamzee's door, just outside his door, or in his room with him. He is freaking terrified of Gamzee at this current moment, and he probably will be for the rest of the week. At least.

* * *

**The Next Morning…**

Dad is woken by the phone. He desperately wishes that he could just go back to sleep because he only got two hours of sleep. He spent the rest of the night worrying that Gamzee would kill him in his sleep. He picks the phone up off the nightstand and looks at the caller I.D. "Oh my god, not her," he whines.

He answers the phone. "Hello?" Dad is really too tired to be putting up with this, and it's apparent in his tone.

"Yeah, I was wondering if Rose and them is over at your place. Because I'm here at the minivan, and it's tore up."

"Yeah, they stayed her overnight, mainly as security, but oh well."

"Well, you could've just called instead of making me worry."

"But you don't like Rose."

"Did she tell you that? Because if so, she's lying. I'm trying to give up drinking because of her. And now that I try to show some love for my own daughter, she goes off and ditches me, leaving me with a torn up minivan and a wasted one hundred dollars. She doesn't like me. Not the other way around."

"If you want to come pick her, Roxy, and Kanaya up, I'm okay with that."

"Don't change the subject on me."

"But you're finished with your rant."

"Who said I was?!"

"I did." _Click._ And the countdown until Roxy gathers her thoughts enough to angrily call back begins now at three minutes. Until then, Dad shuts his eyes and goes back to sleep, only to wake up two hours later to an eerily quiet house. He leaves his room and checks John's and Karkat's, but they aren't there. He checks Gamzee's room, he isn't there. He looks everywhere, even the basement, but no one's home. It's just him. Alone. No Gamzee, no John to pester him, no Jane to take his baking stuff. Just Dad. For the first time in two days he feels a smile form on his face, until he realizes that he needs eggs at the store when he begins to make the batter for a stress cake.

**.**

* * *

**.**

While Dad is stressing over not having enough ingredients for his stress cake, which is meant to relieve stress, the kids and trolls have returned to school yet again. After all, it's only Tuesday. Jane and Kanaya bandaged Karkat's head, making sure to be extra careful with his cracked and split horn. Fortunately, John is still oblivious to Karkat being high, even though Gamzee fed him a sopor pie and a half for breakfast this morning. In reality, Karkat's head was probably on upside-down, or so he acted, and yet John, being the bright little LED he is, has yet to notice anything out of the ordinary.

So, it's kind-of-[not]-a-good-thing that they only have one class together throughout the day, if lunch is considered a class, which at some schools, it is. Because they're just that smart. Sooner or later, they both have to find out the other's dirty (not) little secret. John is just too afraid that Karkat will flip the fuck out when he finds out about John becoming a troll because of him. And Karkat is worried that John will flip the fuck out when he finds out that Karkat has been high beyond any recognition ever since Friday when he first became ill. But he's over that now. He's beginning to feel better, and John's headache is getting worse by the hour.

An hour or so later, in their seventh hour class, John and Rose's teacher, Mr. Hussie, begins talking about theology, and that the universe is governed by thirteen gods and goddesses. Eight being human, and four being troll, "which is weird because trolls are devils. Remember that, children. Never, ever, under any circumstances, trust a troll."

_Ugh_, John and Rose share a telepathic conversation. _So, is he seriously telling us to not trust our own matesprits, or whatever they're called?_

_Not intentionally, but yes. He's pretty much saying that Kanaya and Karkat are devils. Karkat I can believe, but Kanaya, sweet, innocent little Kanaya, no._

_Sweet and innocent my fuzzy gray ass! Karkat's typical personality has been sweeter than her these past couple days._

_That's because he's been sick. Now we're missing the lesson._

"But, for some reason, upon entering the newly created universe, the gods and goddesses split themselves into two halves: the godheads and the mortals, known as the humans and trolls."

"They did it because they were angry at their physical bodies," Rose speaks up. Behind her, John facepalms.

"And how exactly would you know that, Miss Lalonde?" Mr. Hussie questions Rose. He suddenly sounds intrigued by her knowledge, the first time during the entire year.

"I…" Rose didn't think this one through. She has to find a way to get out of this. If the school found out that she and the other kids and trolls lost their powers because they were pissed for some reason, they would become the laughing stock of the entire school. "I…know one of them, personally. He is quite shy, though." Good save.

Just then John feels a sharp stab in his head. He reaches his hands up to caress his aching skull and feels two small bumps, right where the trolls' horns come out of their heads. His eyes widen and he panics. "Uh, Mr. Hussie, I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Why, John?"

"Because I have to jack off to gay porn, what do you think?! I have to use the fucking lavatory!" Okay, way to not sound stupid and…ew, why would he even say that? Even if he is joking? And since when does John use the word "lavatory?" being formal about things was always Rose's and Kanaya's thing.

Mr. Hussie gets an odd look on his face. He doesn't know whether to be disgusted, traumatized, worried, or horrified. So his face shows an expression that can only be described as an amalgam of all four. "Just go, John," is all he manages to say without gagging. When John leaves, he debates whether or not to put that on the "Things Mr. Hussie never expected to hear" board, but decides against it for being to sexual or perverted in school.

* * *

_I have to speak with Bequerius,_ is the only thing that runs through John's head as he enters the bathroom and pulls out his phone. He opens up a new pesterlog when he is suddenly zapped, or teleported, or whatever into a comfortable-looking room. He looks around and sees a sofa, a loveseat, a coffee table, two end tables, and two chairs in the room. Under his feet is soft carpet, and standing behind him is a creepy, white, omniscient mancatdog. "Do you like what you see?"

John is startled and almost jumps out of his skin at the voice. "Oh my gog, at least give me a warning before you do something like this."

"When I do what? Decorate a room to be more inviting and comfortable than all the others? To be not as showy as the rest of the property? To help out in times of need?"

"When you just randomly zap people into your house."

"You do apparently need to speak with me. So, in all defense, I am doing no wrong. Please, sit while I go fetch you a refreshment. And no, that wasn't a pun on my part." He motions to a recliner chair beside the coffee table. John sits while Bequerius climbs the stairs into the kitchen. "Oh, now he walks," John mutters under his breath, but before he could barely finish his sentence, Bequerius begins climbing back down the steps with a retaliation, "Yes, as a matter of fact I do prefer to walk in my own home when the situation allows! It isn't like your life really does depend on this talk!" He gets down the stairs and throws a can of soda at John while keeping a glass of ice water to himself. "Now drink!" He sits in the glider chair directly across the coffee table from John. "Now, what is it that you need to speak with me about?"

"What's happening to me?" John sounds scared. He needs answers.

"Did Kanaya not converse with you about the matter? I know I told her everything she needs to know about the condition."

"So there's more?" John sounds more terrified now.

"Not much. Well, nothing of importance, anyway."

"Okay, that wasn't what I was originally asking, but—"

"Yes, you are sprouting horns."

"What?"

"I said 'you are sprouting horns.'" Bequerius gets a mischievous grin on his doggie-face. It looks more terrifying than anything, but he can't help it. "Would you like me to tell you what they'll look like and how big…or small they'll be?"

"No. I don't want to know anything, except for how bad it's going to hurt." John becomes more terrified.

"Well, it is difficult for me to determine, given that you aren't me and that I have never sprouted horns before, and never will, but I assume it will be somewhere between sawing off your own finger by mistake and stepping on a Lego piece while barefoot." His grin turns into a smile as he entertains the thought of John writhing in pain. It would make for a most hilarious home video. But he would never tell of his fantasies. He is, after all, a most polite host. Perhaps not the most excellent, like his predecessor Doc Scratch, but he makes up for it in politeness.

"Oh…well," John is taken by this scaling. On one hand, he faces the most painful sensation that humanity has ever experienced. On the other, he just loses a finger. The worst it'll do is to help him count better by nines. "is there any way to cure it?"

"Yes, but you would need the help of at least _your_ godhead to do it."

"Oh, then I'm screwed."

"And speaking of godheads, I must give my sincerest apology for yesterday. My other guest happened to be the entire clan of godheads, and they had made me lose my temper, which is something I rarely do. But, nonetheless, I do apologize for it." John doesn't even appear to care about an apology. He just sits and mopes.

"Just get me out of here," he says, not even caring about finding a cure anymore.

"Not yet."

"What…why? Curing me is a lost cause. Now I don't even know why I bother."

"John," Bequerius holds a stern tone in his voice. "Never talk like that, or I will personally make sure that you are never cured. Now, the cure alone will take too long to take effect. But, with the help of Karkat's godhead, being of Blood, if done now, would be done in about five minutes. Unfortunately, I do not have the cure, and do not know where to find it. _Call me omniscient_!"

John gives a slight chuckle at the way he says the last sentence, but it's replaced by seriousness almost immediately. "But why would Karkat's godhead help? He hates me. And you said that I would need the help of at least mine, so why rely on his?"

"John, Karkat's godhead may not like you, but that's why you need your own to help. If you can convince your godhead to help, he could possibly convince Karkat's to, given they are still in a devout matespritship."

"But how would I even get his attention?"

Bequerius gets up and walks over to John, placing his clawed hands on the Abandoned Heir's shoulders and giving them short, caring squeezes. "All you have to do is pray to him," he says in the boy's ear. "But you must open the prayer, addressing him specifically. Otherwise the other godheads will hear and try to prevent him from helping."

"Okay, that would help with getting his attention, but why would he even help?" John looks at Bequerius with saddened eyes.

"Think about this: John, do you want to be a troll?"

"What…no. What kind of question is that," John asks, confused.

"John, play along."

"Okay."

"Have you ever wanted to be a troll?"

"No."

"Before you separated from your godhead?"

"No."

"After?"

"No. I really don't see where you're going here."

"John, do you really think, that if you have never, ever wanted to become a troll, that your godhead would allow you to? Do you honestly think that he would just sit around, watching himself become this inhuman monstrosity that is his matesprit's species. Yes, you love trolls. But you never wanted to become one. Just the idea appalls you. So, why would you ever want to sit around and watch yourself become one?"

Suddenly Bequerius actually makes sense. John's godhead is John, and John is his godhead. They are the same exact person, just one is intelligent and the other is John. "So," Bequerius continues, "as I said, pray to _your_ godhead specifically. If he doesn't answer, I will make him."

"Okay, but there's just one more thing."

"What?"

"I'm really freaking out here about Rose."

"Why? What has the girl done?"

"She's giving us away! She's admitting that we're the gods!"

"No she isn't."

"How? How is she not?!"

"Boy, she said that she knows one personally. She also said that he's very shy. That is not giving out any names, nor is it giving anyone away."

"Oh—"

"So how's this for a warning: threetwoone—" And John is back in his classroom, sitting at his desk, everyone staring at the door as if they're waiting for something.

John looks over to his left, where Sollux sits. He leans over and whispers in his ear, causing Sollux to jump slightly, "Uh, what are we all staring at?"

Sollux leans back over and replies to what he expects to be John's ear. Is it? He doesn't actually know and neither do you. "They're all waiting for you two come back tho we can get thtarted back on the lethon."

"Oh." Just then an idea pops into his head. "So, what are we all waiting for," she shouts at the class, who all jump at his sudden appearance in the room, sitting in his desk in the back.

"John, never do that again," Mr. Hussie scolds him. He then turns to Rose. "As I was saying before we turned our attention to the door, I would love to meet this godhead and human or troll that you know."

"Like I said, though, he is extremely shy, Mr. Hussie."

**. **

* * *

**.**

As much as he doesn't want to do this—which is a lot—he knows he has to. John has just called out to his godhead, two hours after school, and so far, two more hours later, the godhead has yet to respond. The occupation which is forced onto the First Guardian is always to complete time loops, but every now and then he has to play "motivator." Wink wink.

The Heir's mansion is at least half the size of Beq Mansion. It is painted blue with white trim. It has a wrap-around porch with a balcony which wraps around three sides of the mansion. Better yet it rests literally on the clouds, and constructed by the air itself. Beq walks up to the door, but instead of knocking, he just teleports into the room where the Heir currently resides. In it, John sits in a chair, listening to prayers on the descent-sized radio underneath the end table. John shuts off the radio. "Don't even try to kill me, dog. You are on my property, not the other way around."

Beq walks out from behind the godhead. The green electrical bolts around his body show his temper runs short. "As much as I would like to kill you, I cannot. Not yet, anyway." They both stare at each other, or at least John stares at Beq. It's hard to tell where the First Guardian is looking as he has no eyes. What does an omniscient being who knows his exact surroundings need with eyes? So, it's just assumed that he's staring back at the godhead. "I have come here on a strict business call." He bares his fangs at John, showing the godhead that he isn't in the mood for games. "Earlier you got a prayer from your mortal incarnation. Why have you not answered it?!"

John becomes nervous. "I do not wish to speak with my mortal self. What more of a reason do I need?"

"So you wish to become a troll?"

"What?"

"That was what he addressed you about. Your mortal incarnation has become a weretroll, bitten by Karkat's mortal incarnation, and has until next week to get the cure. If it is not incorporated into his system by then, he becomes a permanent troll. Do you want that?"

"You're lying." John stands up, attempting to get into Beq's face, but fails by two and a half feet.

"And you know that how?" Beq questions John. They stand in silence for a couple minutes before Beq speaks again. "You didn't even listen."

"I-no. No, I didn't listen. So, sue me."

"You are a heartless bastard. You know that?"

John looks away. He's already on Beq's bad side. "Why would I want to listen to him? Or any of them? We split apart for a reason."

"Perhaps you want to listen because it's you. Perhaps I wasn't clear: it is _your_ mortal incarnation, otherwise known as _you,_ who is becoming the troll. By ignoring your own pleas for help, you are suggesting that you have actually wanted to become a troll. Am I not mistaken?"

"You are mistaken." John becomes defensive. "I don't want to become a troll. I am perfectly happy as a human!"

"Then why are you letting yourself transform into one?!"

"I…I just…" John becomes speechless. He has no idea how to react to this, or how to even comprehend it.

"Did you think that your mortal incarnation contacted you just because he wanted to bother you," Bequerius' tone becomes cold as he scolds the Heir, who is in complete shock. "Or just because he wanted to talk?"

"I…I…"

"Why would he want to talk to you after what you did to him and his friends?" there is an uncomfortable pause between the two, more so for John, but Bequerius is actually enjoying this more than he'd expected to. "Replay the prayer on the radio and listen to the desperation in his voice." He becomes surrounded by the green static that was apparent when he entered, and as he leaves he whispers, "He will sprout horns at four o'clock tomorrow morning."

John is left to sit and think. He flips on his radio and rewinds it to his own prayer. He listens to it carefully: every word, every syllable, every tone. He listens to the desperation, and somehow becomes emotionally affected by this. He had never expected to have cared so much, but with it being himself, he can no longer ignore anything. He figures he must go down and see the damage, and then work from there.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author: None of you know how much fun my imagination was having when it was making this chapter.**

**Have fun writing a review for this one, Eskimo Lion.**

**.**

* * *

**.**

An Unexpected Visitor in an Unexpected Place

**.**

Just as Bequerius had predicted, John's horns broke through his head at exactly four o'clock in the morning.

He'd gone to bed that night around eight, his reasoning being that he had a bad headache and perhaps sleep would help…sleep and a few Excedrin…okay, more than just a few. But he went to sleep before his head even hit the pillow, which is something no one in the house thought possible. Karkat eventually rolled into bed around eleven.

Sleep that night was unusually peaceful. Usually, with them both being active sleepers, always acting out their dreams, John and Karkat typically wake each other up several times a night. But this night, no one woke the other up, until four, when John woke the entire house up. Just as the atomic clock changed to 4:00, John woke up with a sharp pain on the top of his skull. It was the worst thing any of the kids had ever experienced, aside from dying. He began breathing heavily, even biting on his pillow and blankets trying not to scream, but alas, it held no prevail. John began writhing, even slapping Karkat right in the face, immediately waking him up. Karkat, not knowing what the hell is going on with his matesprit, begins to panic. He pulls the blankets out of John's mouth so he could ask him what's wrong and John screams through clenched teeth. When he gets his screaming to a maximum control, which isn't a lot, he grabs Karkat by his neck, pulling his head down close to his own, and whisper-yells through clenched teeth, "Something is tearing my fucking head apart!" Karkat lifts John's head up off the pillow and shines his phone light on it to get a look at what's wrong. The first thing he sees is John's hair soaked with cherry red blood, which causes Karkat to drop his head back against the headboard, which doesn't help the situation.

A couple seconds later, Gamzee storms in the room, annoyed that he was awoken in the just-after-middle of the night. He is clearly sober, as his attitude toward John isn't the absolute best ever. He storms over to the bed, picks John up by his neck, and feels that the back of his neck is wet. He figures he just did that, which brings a wicked smile to his face. John's eyes widen in terror, as do Karkat's because they both know what a sober Gamzee is capable of. But before Gamzee gets a chance to do anything, he notices something in John's hair, resembling candy corn. Extremely. Oddly. Shaped. Candy corn. He lowers John enough to see over his head as he peels back the blood-soaked hair from his scalp. He drops John out of shock at the new sight just as Dad barges in, with Jane following closely behind. "GAMZEE," they both shout in unison. The fact that John is completely nude and Gamzee is in his boxers may have been irrelevant on any other occasion, but considering the reason they're in there to begin with, they get the wrong idea.

Several minutes later, and Karkat and Jane having assessed the damage, with Kanaya on the phone and Dad in the Kitchen, taking care of Gamzee, John is finally calmed down enough to just cry himself back to sleep instead of screaming. Karkat and Jane continue conversing with Kanaya on the phone about John's condition, which Karkat still has no idea about. "So, what exactly is happening? You all seem to know all about this," he says, stroking John's arm, trying to keep him calm while at the same time avoiding his blood-soaked head.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. I think it would be best if John told you instead of one of us." Kanaya yawns through the phone. "I think I might have to come over today before school, assuming John even wants to go to school."

"Why would you have to come over," Jane asks.

"We want to cover them."

"They're tiny," Karkat says. "They're hardly even noticeable, unless you look really carefully."

"Okay, I will just have to take your word for it, considering I'm not even there. But I do wish to see him immediately when you guys get here, assuming he even comes."

"Knowing John, he'll be there. In case you haven't noticed since we've met him, he's completely stubborn as fuck."

"Okay. But I do want to see the horns." Kanaya hangs up. Karkat sighs.

"What's wrong, Karkat?" Jane becomes concerned for the cancer.

"I feel so…helpless," Karkat continues stroking John's arm, watching him through sad eyes, "seeing him in all this pain and knowing there's nothing I can do about it except for this."

Jane tries to be comforting. "I wouldn't worry about it too much. It looks like the pain has subsided enough for him to fall back to sleep."

"Yeah, but just seeing his face—"

"I said 'don't worry about it.' He's asleep and you should get back to sleep too."

Karkat looks at his matesprit. "I guess you're right. But what are you going to do? You don't seem like you're going back to bed."

"I don't know. I might, I might not. For now, though, I think I'll just go in the kitchen and bake a cake. Maybe start a franchise. After all, I do have all of the Condesce's recipes." Jane and Karkat share a giggle over that. Neither of them realizes it, but this is one of those rare moments where Karkat doesn't need John or Gamzee to keep him calm and not grumpy. "Something tells me that this is going to be a long day." With that being said she gets up and leaves Karkat alone, but as she walks out the door, she says one more thing, "Oh and next time people are in here, at least put on some underwear." She giggles and leaves.

"At least we trolls can hide our stuff," He shouts back at her, then coming to the realization that Dad could probably hear him. And then he also comes to the realization that the last time he saw John's stuff John had a bone bulge similar to his own, but he passes it off as being a hallucination from all the sopor slime.

Karkat crawls back into the bed and wraps the blanket around him and John. Trying his best to keep away from the blood on the pillow, he wraps his arm around John's stomach and cuddles next to him, hoping to comfort the sleeping weretroll even more. What he and Jane hadn't known is that John is a relatively light sleeper, and was awoken by Karkat stroking his arm. He listened to their entire conversation, and, feeling saddened by Karkat feeling helpless, he reaches his hand over to grab Karkat's. The naturally-born troll is surprised by this, but falls asleep next to his unwitting victim anyway. And the unwitting victim falls asleep as well.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Knowing the fun that will soon begin, Bequerius nukes a bag of popcorn and sits back, unable to wait for the next scene to unfold.

The kids' and trolls' high school, which, ironically was named for John's godhead, has a ten minute passing period between classes. This is to ensure that the students can have a little bit of social time before returning to the torment that is learning. This upcoming class happens to be seventh hour, Rose's, John's and Sollux's theology class. Rose likes to get there as soon as the bell rings to dismiss the students from the last hour, so she's typically the only one there for about five minutes before John and Sollux get there together (it's kind of obvious why), and them about three minutes before everyone else. So starting off this episode, Rose is currently the ONLY one in the room. Mr. Hussie is off in another room talking to another teacher.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Not knowing that Mr. Hussie actually wanted at least one to show up today, the Heir of Breath makes his way through the school over to the classroom. He, being the snobby asshole he is, is dressed in his god tier garb for everyone to see. He towers over everyone by only a couple inches, being the second tallest player of the game in the combined session. Everyone he passes freak out that they're actually seeing one of the gods in person, but they also get the feeling that they've seen him before. One student jumps in front of him, which makes him jump back a little, startled by the sudden person. "Hey, you look a lot like my friend!" The student is ignored as the Heir regains his composure and walks past him, wanting to get this confrontation done and over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Eventually he finds his way to the classroom door. When he sees the number, he looks at the number scribbled onto the palm of his right hand to make sure it's correct. It is. Before he walks in, though, he notices the name painted on the little sign outside of the door: MR. ANDREW HUSSIE.

He shakes his head, wondering if he saw that right. He looks again; the name hasn't changed. "What the fuck? Is that that weird orange guy that kept bothering us in the game," he asks himself. He looks through the window of the room but sees no one. Kids throughout the hall watch him as he acts weird, peeking down both ends of the hall for some reason before he walks right through the door into the classroom. Students gather around the door to see what's happening. Some pull out their phones to text their friends across the building about this. Some even get their cameras out and take pictures and videos.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Inside the room, Rose has her back turned to the door, setting her stuff up in the correct order it should be in. She has O.C.D. when it comes down to this type of thing. She doesn't know the danger approaching her, garbed in a blue god tier outfit. Suddenly she sees a shadow over her and her desk. She quickly turns around and is taken aback by the scene before her.

Standing formally, as if this is an everyday occurrence, a godhead stands before Rose. She quickly retrieves a sharpened pencil out of her purse and gets behind her desk, slowly retreating backwards away from the menace. She holds the pencil as if she would stab him if he gets any closer, which is her intention. "What are you doing here?" She seems angry. The students gathered around the door hold confused expressions on their faces at the sight before them.

"Now, don't come to conclusions, dear." The godhead begins to speak.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! And don't even think of addressing me that way, ever!"

"I didn't come here to argue—"

"Then what the hell did you come here for? Did you come here to smite us?! Because that seems to be all you ever want anymore!"

"No, I—"

"You listen to me! Go away now, before someone gets hurt! You have no business being here!"

"Now if you would just let me talk, I would provide an explanation!" Using the air, the Heir shuts Rose up. "As I said, I did not come here to fight. I was going to complete that statement by saying that I came here to help. But I couldn't because you rudely interrupted me. That is extremely unlike the Rose I have come to know and love." His tone is angry, but calm.

Rose breaks free from his windy grasp. "You've helped enough! And don't even compare me to that bitch who calls herself a Hero of Light! We both know that you, especially you, of all of the god-forsaken godheads, detests me the most!"

"Now Rose, why would I detest you? A strong dislike towards, yes, but detest? I think that's a rather strong word."

"And stop trying to be formal! You are not formal and you never will be! God you are such an idiot! If there was a stupid contest, you would be the host! Oh, wait a minute, there is one already, and it's called 'Our Pathetic Lives!'"

"Rose, I understand that you may be holding a little bit of a grudge, but—" the Heir begins, trying to calm Rose, but is cut off.

"Oh I might be holding a little bit of a grudge?! A little bit of a grudge?! If that's your little phrase for 'pissed the fuck off,' then yes, I am holding a 'little bit of a grudge!'"

"Rose, please, just…calm down." The John godhead is now on the defense as he is slowly retreating from a slowly advancing girl. He begins to worry for his own safety, even though he can just turn into wind at any time he pleases.

"No, I will not calm down! There will be time for calming down when you get the fuck out of my life, and out of all of our lives!"

"Rose, like I said, I do understand that you're angry with us—"

"No! Stop saying that! You aren't a fucking psychologist so stop acting like one! Stop saying 'oh I know you're angry,'" she says the quote with a mocking tone. "It's not going to fucking work with me!"

"Okay then what can I do to make you less angry?!" The Heir attempts to hold his ground.

"Do you seriously want to know?!"

"Yes!"

"DIE! GO CRAWL BACK INTO THAT CAVE YOU CALL A MANSION, WITHER, ROT, AND FUCKING DIE!" Rose's eyes darken from pink to red. She is really pissed.

The students and teachers watching this scene unfold outside the door all gasp at the outburst. Apparently Rose has no idea what the Heir of Breath is capable of. "He's going to kill her for that," one student says to her friend. Down the hall, Mr. Hussie and a few other teachers run over and make their way through the thick crowd to the door with the intention of going in and breaking up the fight. However, they stop immediately when they see the participants. Mr. Hussie knows all too well the dangers of fucking around with a god, and he isn't about to step in and play peacekeeper.

* * *

Meanwhile, John and Sollux arrive in the hallway. They heard shouting but couldn't figure out who it was. They just thought they'd ignore it, but it turns out it's coming from their classroom. John, who's holding Sollux's wrist, guiding him through the halls, goes up to his friend at the edge of the crowd. He taps his friends shoulder and asks him what's happening. "Rose is chewing the ass off one of the gods," his friend responds. "She even told him to die! Oddly enough, though, the god looks exactly like you." John's eyes widen at that statement. Why would his godhead be here? His friend sees his expression. "John, what's wrong?"

John looks at Sollux. "Sollux, I'm just going to leave you here with Zack while I go and figure out what's wrong, okay?"

"Thure, why not? It ithn't liike Ii wath goiing two get iin there anyway."

"Okay. Hopefully it's nothing."

"John, I don't think it's nothing. Rose is arguing with a fucking god."

"Yeah, good to know." With that John makes his way through the crowd. Most of the students move aside for him for some reason. They all look at him weird like he should be in the room instead of out in the hall. Perhaps it's because his fucking godhead is arguing with Rose?

* * *

John finally reaches the door, where Mr. Hussie and the school principle watch nervously at the scene unfolding. John pushes his way past them and opens the door. Before they can stop him he's inside the room. The godhead and Rose quit arguing when they hear the door latch shut. Rose turns her gaze to John and the Heir turns around to face him. "Finally, someone I can actually talk to," the Heir says, extending his arm toward John as if to show Rose something new.

"Oh shut up," John says coldly.

"What?" The godhead is confused now.

"Rose, is what I heard out there true," mortal John turns to Rose, "that you told him to die?"

"Well, actually I told him to go to a cave, wither, rot, and die," Rose says proudly.

Immediately after that, John says, "I second that motion."

"What—John, me, you cannot possibly be serious?"

"Yes, I am."

"Why, when I've come to help?"

"Help with what? Huh? You've never done anything to help us. Now what makes you think we want any help from you now?" John's tone is cold. It's as if he's trying to scold the godhead.

"You asked."

"I asked last night! And you know what? I have sources that told me that you ignored my call! But I didn't need to be told that because I already knew! I asked, but I don't know what made me think that you would listen!"

"But I did listen! I'm here, aren't I?"

"You didn't until you were told by Bequerius that I needed help. Now you're only here on your own behalf because you don't want to become one yourself!" Outside, everyone wonders what John could possibly be talking, or shouting, about. Everyone gets as close to the source of the vocalizations as possible. First, it was Rose arguing against a god. Now it's John arguing against…what? The god's voice matches John's own voice perfectly. It's creepy. First, they look completely identical, now they sound completely identical, unless John is playing both parts. Some people begin to put two and two together and think that John may be one of the "mortals" that Mr. Hussie talked about yesterday.

"YOU DIDN'T LISTEN UNTIL YOU WERE TOLD BY BEQUERIUS THAT I NEEDED HELP! INSTEAD, YOU IGNORED MY CALL FOR HELP AND LISTENED TO EVERYONE ELSE, YOU SELFISH, SNOBBY FUCKASS!"

"Waiit, iithn't that Kk'th word," Sollux asks no one in particular.

"Who's Kk," Zack asks.

"He'th the grumpy kiid."

"The one John hangs out with?"

"Oh beliieve me, they do a lot more than jutht 'hang out.'"

"Oh." Zack shudders at the thought of what Sollux could possibly have meant by that. "Should we get him over here to calm John, or John?"

"I don't know if that would be a good idea. I mean, Kk and John's godhead never did get along at all. In fact, if I do remember correctly, Kk's godhead and John don't get along either."

"Sollux, judging by what's happening in there as we speak, I don't think John and his own godhead get along very well. And judging by 'Kk's' attitude, it's kind of obvious there."

Back inside the room, John and the Heir still haven't come to terms yet. "John, I understand that you're angry, but try to listen to me here."

John's chin drops to the floor. He can't believe what he's hearing; his own godhead is trying to play that card. That's something John hasn't done since he was like, five.

"John, let me handle this," Rose goes over to John, taking over the conversation once again. "What did I fucking say about that?! Huh? Do you think that being redundant is going to get you anywhere here? Because if so, get that thought out of your head! Being redundant never helps!"

"But I just thought—"

"That's your problem: you think! It's that damn think pan of yours that got us in this mess in the first place! Now use it to control your powers and leave us the fuck alone!"

John shakes his head as he backs away. "John, what's wrong," Rose asks, concerned.

Turning to the godhead, John snaps again. "What makes you think that I could possibly want your help now?! Now that I know that you only want to help so you don't become the laughing stock of the group, I don't think I want it anymore!"

"John…me, don't say that. Of course you want my help." The godhead tries to persuade his mortal incarnation.

"No! Now that I think about it, I don't even care if I turn into a troll! If it means that you will be teased for the rest of your immortal life, so be it! Who knows, if I'm lucky, it might even kill me!"

"John, don't talk like that!" Rose is now completely concerned for the well-being of her friend. She had no idea that John is suicidal. But he isn't.

"And, judging by the pain I was experiencing earlier today, which probably could have been prevented if you had listened, it just might!"

* * *

Karkat sits in his seventh hour class, alone. No one, not even the teacher has shown up yet. What could possibly be wrong? The passing period is over. Could they all be in a different room? Could today have been an early out?

His phone buzzes in his pocket. He cautiously pulls it out to look at the text, sent by Roxy:

_omg karkitten you have to see this john is arguing with himself its so funny you just have to come see it_

_also rose is in there too just to let you know she is helping john argue against john_

_oh and john even called himself that one word youre always using_

_whatever it is_

_like fucksomething or other_

What. The. Fuckass. Is Roxy drunk again? She doesn't type like it but it sure sounds like it. He sends a text back.

_WHAT ROOM?_

Thirty seconds later, his phone buzzes again.

_480_

This is going to be fun.

Karkat makes his way over to room 480, where it seems like everyone in the entire school has gathered around: in the hallways and outside in the courtyards, anything to get close enough to see or hear. As he approaches, he can here John yelling, "YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR ME OR FOR US! YOU'RE USELESS!"

He then hears John(?) yell back, "I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES KARKAT'S GODHEAD HAS TRIED TO KILL YOU? NO, OF COURSE YOU DON'T BECAUSE I ALWAYS STOP HIM FROM DOING IT! DON'T TELL ME I'M USELESS!"

And John…again, "WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET HIM DO IT THEN! IF YOU HAD JUST LET HIM DO IT, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPENING, OR DID YOU JUST WANT TO NOT SEE YOURSELF DIE?!" Karkat is now genuinely confused. Not for the first time, but nonetheless, confused.

* * *

Back inside the room, Word War I continues with the godhead gaining his turn to speak again. "Will you stop saying that?!"

"Saying what?!"

"That we're the same person!"

"Why? It's true!"

"No it isn't!"

John, mortal John, is taken aback by that statement. "Excuse me?" He questions the godhead. "I know you didn't just say that we are two different people! Besides, you even said we're the same!"

"I did because we are! Wait, what?!"

"No, we aren't two different people!"

"Yes we are!"

"NO WE AREN'T! WITHOUT ME, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN FUCKING EXIST! I GOT STABBED IN THE FUCKING HEART SO THAT YOU COULD RISE FROM _MY_ DREAM SELF! SO DON'T EVEN DARE SAY THAT WE ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE! DO _I _UNDERSTAND THAT? HUH?! _I _AM WAITING FOR AN ANSWER FROM _ME!_"

Now Rose is starting to get confused. "Look, let's just all shut up, take a moment to breathe, and calm down," she says, hoping to at least break up the fight. After all, this started off as hers and she'll be damned if it doesn't end that way. Begrudgingly, the two Johns decide to quiet down, until the godhead goes over to the mortal and speaks.

"John, at least let me explain," he says as he puts his hand on the mortal's shoulder. "I didn't know that you were turning into a troll. I just thought that you were bored and tried to bother me to piss me off for kicks."

"And that's supposed to change the way I feel?"

Outside the open window, a student shouts, "Come on, we want to see more arguing!"

"Should I—" the godhead begins.

"No," Rose quickly says before he can do anything, "they're just being their usual idiot selves."

"Ah," the godhead turns his head back to John and continues, "Now, when I had heard that you were actually in trouble—"

"You mean when _you_ were actually in trouble," John interrupts

"Yeah, whatever, I couldn't believe it, but when I played back the prayer, I heard, and felt, the desperation. It gave me a feeling I hadn't experienced since before we played the game. After that I just knew I had to help. So please, let me help." The godhead's tone becomes sincere.

Karkat, who finally made his way to the door, looks through the window inside the room. When he sees his matesprit being manhandled (that's how he sees it, even though he's only being held by the shoulders) by the godhead, something inside his brain snaps. He slams open the door, which is quickly closed behind him, and before John can reply to the godhead, Karkat is on top of him, with the godhead trying to defend himself as best he can. Karkat claws and scratches and bites the godhead until the garb is torn a little bit. He even begins foaming at the mouth like a rabid woofbeast, but the godhead still holds him off from drawing blood.

Snapping out of their stupor at what just happened, Rose and John intercept the two who are getting physical. "I'll take Karkat and you take me," John shouts at her over the noise.

"What?!" Rose is definitely confused now.

"I'll take Karkat and you take the other one!"

"Oh, okay!" They both hurry over to the dueling couple. John wraps his arms around Karkat and tries to run backwards, pulling him off, but the troll is too strong. Rose tries the same with the godhead, but to no prevail. As John continues to pull on Karkat, Rose slips in between the troll and the godhead when there's just enough room and pushes the two apart from the outside. When Karkat lets go, John quickly moves in front of him and pushes him against the wall. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU LAY A HAND ON HIM AGAIN," the troll shouts across the room at the godhead who got the same treatment.

"I'VE DRILLED THROUGH A FUCKING PLANET WITH AIR! IF YOU EVEN TRY THAT I WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM DRILLING THROUGH YOU AS WELL!" While the two exchange angry remarks, John and Rose are getting in their faces trying to distract them.

"Karkat," John shouts at the troll. "Karkat, listen to me!...Karkat look at me now!" The troll foams at the mouth some more as he begins to calm down a little. "Karkat, I know you're angry, but—"

John is cut off by the godhead, "You better watch it! After all, you know what Rose said about that—" he is cut off by Rose shoving him further against the wall. He turns to her, "STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Well stop mocking me and we have a fucking deal!"

"Karkat, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted by myself, it's all under control." Mortal John tries to sooth the savage troll.

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE THAT IT'S UNDER CONTROL! HE HAD HIS HANDS ON YOU AND I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT!"

"Aw, it sounds like the little kitty-cat is jealous." The godhead teases Karkat.

"I AM NOT FUCKING JEALOUS! IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I DON'T LIKE YOU! IN FACT, I DETEST YOU! YOU ARE A BUG, A WORTHLESS WASTE OF SPACE THAT HAS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE EXCEPT TO TORMENT US!" Karkat breaks out of John's grasp and begins running over to the godhead. The godhead responds by doing the same; breaking away from Rose's grasp and running toward Karkat with the intention of severely harming him.

John quickly turns around and chases Karkat for a few feet until he catches him. He wraps his arms around the cancer's stomach and holds him back. "Karkat, I know you're mad! Perhaps you could go ingest some more sopor slime and get calmed down!"

"Wait, you know about the slime?"

"Yeah, Jane told me in second period. But never, under any circumstances, ever hide anything like that from me again!"

"Are you mad at me?" Karkat sounds like a little child who got caught stealing cookies out of the cookie jar.

"You're damn right I am. Not because of the slime, but because you didn't tell me. NOW CALM THE FUCK DOWN!"

Rose does the same with the godhead as John did with Karkat. She drags him back to the wall. "Sit down in the chair!"

The godhead doesn't pay attention to her. Instead he keeps trying to break free of her grasp, shouting profanities and vulgarities at Karkat in the process. He keeps this up for a few seconds before Rose gives him a hard kick in the shame globes. Watching this, everyone, save Rose and godhead John gasp in shock as she does it twice more, effectively planting the god on the ground.

Unfortunately, Karkat sees this as an opportunity to kill him while he's down and tries to escape John again while shouting profanities and vulgarities at the downed god. He keeps this up with John trying to calm him before John takes a desperate action to get Karkat to calm down. Everyone, save Rose, John, Karkat, and the other John gasp in shock as mortal John plants his face firmly on Karkat's. No one saw that coming. The unexpected kiss lasts for a few seconds before Karkat breaks away. Looking at John and placing his hands on the abandoned Heir's arms, he says caringly, "As much as I enjoyed that, that did nothing to help," and continues his rant and efforts to go at the downed god. Rose, having had enough of this, goes over to the natural-born troll and tries to settle him down as well. After one failed attempt she takes him by the shoulders, and, much to John's discontent, also kicks Karkat in the shame globes. Karkat, however, didn't budge. "Sorry, but I don't have those, remember?" This, of course, angers Rose even more and she begins to bang the troll's head against the wall. John tries to grab Karkat from her, but she refuses to hand him over until he's completely unconscious. She then sets him in the desk right next to them.

"Oh," Rose says, unsurely.

Even though John knows what she's about to say, he just has to ask, "What?"

"I think I may have been hitting his bad horn against the wall."

John facepalms so hard it's unbelievable. "Why do you think I was trying to turn him around?!"

"Well, I didn't know! I just got caught up in the moment and went with what my gut told me!"

* * *

"Perhaps we should call their parents…" the school principle has had enough of this, though it is quite suspenseful and entertaining. He looks over at her assistant. "That wasn't a suggestion, it was a command."

"Oh, right on it…who's parents?"

"John's and Rose's."

"Okay." After the assistant principle leaves to go call the kids' parents, Sollux sneaks his way into the room to be a part of the action, and hopefully resolve it. Before Mr. Hussie knows it, he's seeing a door close in front of him and a blind kid standing in the room.

* * *

"Okay, John, Rothe, thomeone pleathe tell me where I am." Sollux stands cautiously. When Jane fixed Terezi's cane she didn't do a very good job. Therefore it broke the very next day. So now Sollux has no cane to help him walk and must rely on the help of others.

"You're standing right next to Hussie's desk," John says. Sollux feels around himself, inching over to his right until his hand touches wood. He uses this to guide him and makes his way over to the chair. He sits down, intertwines his fingers and sets his hands on the desk. "Okay, I don't really know what'th happening here, but perhapth doctor Captor can help."

"Sollux, enough with all this acting and everything." Rose actually giggles a little bit.

"I'm thorry but number one, thith ith really the only thing I ever have left two do anymore becauthe I'm blind, and number two, I'm jutht trying to lighten the mood.

* * *

A few miles away, a man runs a successful little bakery with his daughter. Who is this man?

Enter name: SHITFACE FUCKTART

Try again, Dipshit.

Enter name: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS IS.

Fine. It's just Dad. Yes, Dad owns his own bakery. The world must be coming to an end. You probably just didn't recognize him because he isn't wearing his hat and smoking his pipe.

But, he is kind enough to forgive you for your mistake. Me however, not so much.

But seriously: Fucktart? What the heck does that even mean?

Anyway, as mentioned a few lines above, we are now following Dad, who owns and runs his own bakery. It's almost time for the kids to get out of school and he gets a call. Since the phones at the bakery don't have caller I.D., he currently has no idea who's calling, so he picks up and prays that it isn't some telemarketer.

"Hello…Yes, why?...They did what, now?...Oh my god, why does this have to happen now? I have a very big order…Well, no, I thought he was at school…Well that's where he told me he was going…Are you calling me a liar? Because if you are, I have news for you: I am a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of those things! Good day to you, sir, and I will be there in about fifteen minutes."

Oh gog, what could Karkat and John possibly have done? Well, of course they got into a fight; Dad knows that much, but what did they do, tear up the entire school doing it? Seriously, they have petty little fights all the time. How could this be any different? Dad doesn't actually want to know. He just wants to go over to the school and sort things out.

As Dad takes off his apron and hangs it up, one of his employees asks where he's going. "There's been a problem with John and Karkat at the school and now I've been called over. I'll be back in an hour or so," he responds.

"Aren't you forgetting to punch out?"

"Adam, I run this place. I can do whatever I want to it, except insurance fraud, but that also means I can leave and come and go and stay as I please. So shut it and get back to work. We all have a big order to fill and it needs to be done by noon tomorrow."

"Am I at least getting paid overtime?"

"With a shift like what we all have to work, we're all getting paid overtime. Big overtime." With that he leaves and heads over to the school, where, unknown to him, Word War I is still going on quite strongly. He walks into the building, which is eerily quiet, except for the distant yelling of what sounds like four kids. "Uh, might I ask: what's happening here?"

"You must be John and Karkat's Dad."

"Well, just John's, but Karkat lives with us as well."

"I don't care. Anyway, John, Karkat, and Rose have been shouting over something. The odd part of it is that there are two Johns."

Dad looks at her like she's crazy. "I was called to say that two Johns are arguing with Karkat and Rose?"

"No, see, that seems to be the cause: the second John. The first one is normal, but the other is a god."

"Whatever, can you just tell me where it's at?"

"Room 408." The secretary points him in the direction.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Kanaya, if you want me to go away, saw Karkat in half," the godhead shouts.

"KANAYA, IF YOU EVEN POINT THAT THING AT ME, I WILL BITE YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!"

"Says the non-rainbow drinker," Kanaya says, annoyed. She was called in as reinforcement when Karkat had woken back up five minutes after he'd been knocked out and the Heir regained enough of his composure to stand after having his shame globes kicked into his throat.

"I have an idea," Rose chimes in, " Kanaya, why don't you take your lipstick and act like John's godhead is Eridan. For me, at least?"

"I uh…" Kanaya has no idea how she got dragged into this or what to even do. She doesn't really care for John's godhead, but he hasn't really done anything to her, so…yeah, she's confused. "I really don't want to get blood on my new color. It would really ruin it, I'm sure, as this isn't Alternian."

"Kanaya, are you saying that your lipstick can no longer turn into a chainsaw," John asks. Hearing this question, everyone who was able to hear gasp in shock. You would too if you ever heard "lipstick" and "chainsaw" being used like this in a serious sentence.

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all. the chainsaw works just fine, I'm only saying that I'm not going to because I don't want to get blood all over it. It's a brand new color and I would like to keep it that way."

"Kanaya, perhaps you've forgotten the definition of 'rainbow drinker,' or 'vampire,'" the godhead speaks up. "You love the taste of blood, and if your taste is anything like Terezi's, you will love the taste of Karkat's blood."

"Might I remind you all that I'm the only one in this room with a different blood color than everyone else? Besides, I hate the taste of cherry. Unless it's Rose's." Kanaya lifts her eyebrows mischievously as Rose runs over and puts her hand over the troll's mouth. Now would be a good time to rethink their relationship. Outside, everyone laughs. "But seriously though," Rose whisper-yells in Kanaya's ear, "saw his fucking head off!"

"Well, I guess if I do that then we won't have to worry about him meddling in our lives any longer…" Kanaya contemplates out loud. "On the bad side, if that happens to kill him, what would happen to John when his mortal body dies?"

"Kanaya, I thought you would know by now, the god tiers allow for conditional immortality. The only way I'll die is if it's heroic or just. Since this sort of situation counts as neither, I will live on."

"You know what," Karkat finally brings his tone down a little bit, "Why don't we just say 'fuck it,' and call that evil cherub guy to come in and do the job for us. And perhaps he could hit the rest of them too."

"There'th jutht one problem with that, Kk," Sollux, who has somehow managed to stay out of the firing zone, speaks up.

"And that would be…?"

"He won't thtop with jutht the godheadth. He'll kill everyone."

"Good enough for me," John says in an "I'm done" tone.

Just then, Dad busts into the room. "What the hell is going on in he…" He stares at the two Johns, one dressed normally and the other in torn up blue pajamas.

"Okay, Dad," John starts, "there is an explanation to all of this, although I think it would be quite hard to expl—"

He is cut off by his godhead. "Pretty much you were killed in a game that John, Rose, Dave, and Jade played a long, long time ago. They had to merge with a group of aliens called trolls, out of which five are currently living with the kids: Gamzee, Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi, and Sollux. Yes, you heard right, along with your biological half-brother, which would be mortal me, you have two trolls with you, one of which being extremely homicidal when sober. I'll let you guess which one that is on your own. And it isn't Karkat. And yes, you also heard correctly when I called mortal me your half-brother. To add to the excitement, Jane, you know her, is yours and John's biological mother. Also, Jake English, Jade's supposed adopted brother, is hers and John's biological father, which would make Jade also your half-sister. Unfortunately your biological father is unknown.

"But the fun doesn't stop there. John and Karkat are in a matespritship, a.k.a. they are each other's boyfriend." Mortal John does a facepalm x2 combo. He is completely embarrassed right now. "The fun doesn't stop there either. As it turns out, Karkat is a first-generation weretroll, who passionately bit John during love making, and now John is a second-generation weretroll who just sprouted horns this morning. That is what he was screaming about earlier."

"Oh my god I am so embarrassed right now!" John can't even look at anyone. Everyone witnessing the scene in the room have no idea whether to be terrified, laughing, or feeling awkward. Terrified because they go to school with five trolls, three of them in the room and one of them wielding a lipstick/chainsaw hybrid, and another commanding her to saw the god's head off. Thankfully the third one is blind. Laughing because of the whole John explanation. And awkward because of what all just happened. Of course, this is too much for Dad to take in, so he

does what any other overwhelmed human being does; he passes out. He collapses, right where he stood.

Sollux, not being able to see, begins walking over (because that's a brilliant idea) to Dad, who lies unconscious on the floor. He stumbles over Dad and falls flat on his face, his specially-made red and blue shades breaking in the process of hitting the ground. He gets up, slowly makes his way over to the door, and opens it with everyone drawing back in fear. Before he walks out, he turns back to the godhead who gave almost everyone's true identities out to the entire school, and says coldly, "You are tho lucky that I don't have my pthionic powerth anymore!" He turns back to everyone else, who backs away from him in fear as he walks. "Oh you don't have two be afraid. If I haven't hurt any of you yet, then that meanth that I probably won't in the future, unleth you do thomething thtupid two really pith me off. Now, I need Dirk."

Dirk makes his way of the crowd and to the bout lind troll in the middle of the hallway. "What," he asks in a thick, Texan accent.

"I need you two call Aranea and thet up an appointment for her two heal at leatht my thight. Of courthe it would be greatly apprethiated if the altho fixeth my new lithp, and pthionic powerth are opthional."

"Should I really do that right here in front of everybody?"

"Yeth. I don't want two have two go any longer than I have two being blind anymore."

Dirk takes out his phone and opens a new pesterlog with Aranea, who is somewhere in a dream bubble far away from the universe.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Back in the den in his mansion, Bequerius call over his dog, who happens to be an omnipoterrier. Petting him gently on the head, he asks him, "Did you enjoy that little show too, Becquerel?"

The dog responds with a wagging tail and a happy-looking face.

"Hehe, I knew you did!"


	14. Chapter 14

**Author: I know I'm a little late. I knew what I wanted to write, but didn't know how to write it which led to writer's block. And then procrastination. In the end only about half the chapter goes the way I originally wanted it to, but it still takes us into the next one nicely.**

**And on a side note: all flashbacks from this point on will be represented like ****_this, _****in bold italics.**

.

* * *

.

A Plan, Backfired

.

The front door opens. Jane steps in, followed by some mass she's carrying. Karkat is helping her carry it. They go to the bedroom and dump the unconscious mess that is Dad onto the bed, where hopefully he'll get some sleep and think this was all a bad dream. John follows them into the house, but breaks apart from the group and goes into the living room. He can't even begin to imagine what Dad might be thinking, or dreaming, or what he'll think when he wakes up. It's just too much for him to handle. He paces around the room nervously, shaking like a tree in a hurricane.

Jane and Karkat walk out of the bedroom as Dave and Kanaya enter the house. They all meet up in the kitchen, where they watch John pace around the living room. "Well, that was quite a scene you guys made today," Dave says, trying to lighten the mood.

"Shut up, Dave. That scene may have just broken us all away from each other," Kanaya says worriedly. "Who knows what our guardians think?'

"Well, as of right now, only Dad and that weird adult version of Roxy knows. And considering she looked like she'd been drinking for three days straight, I would say that only Dad actually has any sort of clue about it. We should be safe," Jane tries to be reassuring. Hopefully Kanaya has no idea how strict Dad can actually be.

John walks over to them in the kitchen, shaking like a tree in a hurricane. "I might have an idea." He sounds like he isn't all too confident though.

"Oh yeah, what would that be," Kanaya asks.

"Perhaps you have all forgotten; I am the pranking master."

.

What John and his friends are doing isn't so much a prank as it is convincement. Carefully they carry Dad back out to the car and drive off to the bakery. John goes and knocks on the door. Adam answers. John explains what they need to do, and, without question, Adam lets them into the bakery and into Dad's office.

The kids set Dad in his chair as if he'd fallen asleep. They explain their plan to Adam in gory detail so that he wouldn't miss a single thing in it. He asks why they are doing this. The only response he gets is John telling him it will most likely be on the news later. There were soooooooo many cameras.

After the plan is explained, Adam tells the kids that he'll do everything he can to convince Dad, but also Dad isn't as dumb as he lets on. After some begging by the kids, Adam goes over to the phone on Dad's desk and picks it up. He holds it to his ear as he presses a couple buttons, then a couple more, three more, one more, four more, one more, five more, and hangs up. "There, the call from the school has been permanently deleted and no record exists of it." He gives the kids a smile. They all thank him for his cooperation and leave. After they leave, he tells everyone in the bakery the plan, giving the kids a head start before he officially sets it in motion.

.

Unfortunately, the plan would prove ineffective. Five minutes after the kids arrive back at John's and Jane's and Karkat's house/hive and get all set up like they normally are after school, Dad shows up in the driveway. Karkat, warning everyone of the situation, rushes over to his usual seat next in John's lap on the chair. Dave gets a drink out of the fridge, Dirk and Sollux sit at the dining room table, Jane and Jake sit on the love seat, Terezi and Jade stand at the counter in the kitchen (The entire area is completely open, so they don't have to technically be in the same room while talking), Rose and Roxy sit next to each other on the couch—Rose holding a small martini (she has really cut back on her beverages) and Roxy with a small glass of tea, and Kanaya sits on the other side of Rose, rolling her eyes at the drink in Rose's hand. Everything is set up perfectly when Dad walks in the door, angrier than Karkat on his troll-period.

"Dad, you're home early," John squeaks, trying hard to hide the nervousness in his voice.

Dad walks over to him. "John, did you seriously think that I was dumb enough to think that everything was a dream?!"

**_Adam walks over to Dad and shakes his shoulder a little bit, coaxing him to wake up. Dad awakens with a jump, which almost scares the crap out of Adam. "Uh, Mr. Egbert, are you coming back to work or are you just going to continue sleeping?"_**

**_"Sleeping, why would I be sleeping," Dad questions._**

**_"Well, you said you had a bad headache and came in to take a couple aspirin. You also said you'd be right out, but you've been in here for about an hour and a half."_**

**_"I have?"_**

**_"Yes." All seems to be going according to plan. Dad seems to be buying the whole headache thing and the kids seem to be safe._**

**_"Adam, I had the weirdest dream," Dad suddenly says, bringing Adam back to reality. The tone in Dad's voice changes from belief to suspicion. _**

**_Adam becomes nervous. "What was it about?"_**

**_"I'm not quite sure, but it was so real. I do know that in it, I got a call from the school and had to leave for about an hour. Then I passed out and was carried around then brought here and woken up." Yeah, Dad knows this is a trick. "Nice try, Adam," Dad stands up out of his chair, "but your plan has failed." With that he leaves…again…and heads toward home._**

"I was kind of hoping you would," John becomes a little scared at what Dad might do, but calmly, he excuses everyone except for John, Jane, and Karkat into the back yard so he can have a word with the two kids and troll.

"Karkat, get the fuck off John's lap." Dad's tone is cold. Well, this is new behavior. Sure, he doesn't really care for Karkat much, but he never talks to him like this. Karkat moves over next to Jane, both becoming a little nervous.

"Where should I start off," Dad continues, "Perhaps it should be with Jane, or should I say, mom? Really? I just can't rap my mind around you being my biological mother, just as you are John's, who just so happens to be your adopted grandson slash biological father slash my adopted son slash my biological half-brother?! What the ever loving fuck is going on here? And to top it all off, I learn that you, John, are, in fact, a homo. Don't get me wrong; I have no problem with that, but what I do have a problem with, is who, or better yet 'what' you are homo for." He turns to Karkat. "A troll. You know, Karkat, this would perfectly explain your foul language and attitude, as well as Gamzee's behavior. All trolls are scum. They do not belong here, coexisting with humans."

"That's why we came from fucking Alternia, fuckass!"

"Shut it, Demon! You will talk only when I tell you to! Now, back to what I was getting at: John, Jane, neither of you are allowed to see any of the trolls ever again."

"WHAT?!" John and Jane shout in unison. "This isn't fair!"

"No one said life is fair."

"But Dad, Karkat hasn't done anything to hurt any of us," John tries to defend the grouchy cancer.

"You mean, 'not yet.'"

"No, Karkat is a good troll. He's contributed more to this universe than you could ever possibly think. The same goes for the other trolls! The only one who's scum here is you!"

"I'm sorry John, but Karkat and Gamzee have to go." Dad turns to Karkat. "Karkat, go pack yours and Gamzee's things; you are leaving immediately." After little bit of arguing, Karkat begrudgingly gathers his belongings, which isn't much—just enough to fill one suitcase. When he comes back out into the hallway, he ties to go over to John. With a sad expression, he begins, "Bye, John—"

"No! I said no interactions! Karkat, leave. Now!" Dad moves over to Karkat and takes him to the door, which he'd already opened for the troll. At least he's being somewhat nice about kicking the poor creature out onto the street.

Karkat stands in the doorway for a couple minutes, which feels like an eternity. After the couple minutes of him and Dad glaring at each other, he gives a harsh, "Fuck you," and leaves, slamming the door hard enough to break the window in it on his way out. Dad picks up the phone to call the other guardians to warn them of the Trollian threats.

.

Hearing the door slam and glass break, the remaining kids and trolls run around to the front and see Karkat stomping away from the house, suitcase in hand and red, translucent tears welling up in his eyes. They all rush over to comfort him, but he shoves them all away and continues walking down the street with no destination.

.

**The next morning…**

.

- carcinoGenesis [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 8:12 -

.

CG: JOHN.

CG: JOHN…

CG: HELLO? IS ANYBODY THERE?!

CG: I'M STILL FUCKING WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!

CG: DAMMIT EGBERT! ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PESTERLOG, OR WHATEVER YOU PEOPLE CALL IT! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU THIS WAY SINCE YOUR FUCKING HUMAN MAN-LUSUS WON'T LET US SEE EACH OTHER!

EB: Oh, im sorry Karkat. I didnt know you were there.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TYPING QUIRK?

EB: Nothing. Im just trying to pick another one out. I got bored with the original.

EB: I hope it doesnt bother you.

CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT EVERYTHING BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

EB: Well im sorry that i dont hang out with you and daddy all the time so i dont know what youre exactly like.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?

EB: Wait, you thought i was daddy? No, im Casey.

CG: THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHN?

EB: Why wont grandpa let you see each other?

CG: CASEY JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

EB: I dont know. I havent seen him since i left for band camp.

CG: OH.

CG: WAIT

CG: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HOME?

EB: I got home last night. About nine i think.

CG: OH MY GOD!

EB: What?!

CG: HE PROBABLY RAN AWAY!

EB: Why?!

CG: BECAUSE OF ME!

.

-carcinoGenesis [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

.

Yes, John is unable to answer his pesterlog. But what Casey and Karkat didn't know, is that John is still at the house…lying on the basement floor in a puddle of blood.

.

* * *

.

**Author: And yes, since all trolls have those parts, all trolls have periods.**


	15. Chapter 15

Author: To make up for almost a week with no chapter updates, here is the second one today. Enjoy.

* * *

.

Bad Casey

.

**_After Dad kicks Karkat out, John run and locks himself in his room. Eventually Jane talked her way in and cradles him in her arms, trying her best to soothe him. A few hours later, Jake comes over to talk to John and see what's wrong. Apparently word is going around that Karkat, Gamzee, Terezi, Sollux, and Kanaya are trolls, which is true, but they weren't expecting the other guardians to find out. _**

**_The other guardians are completely cool with it. Dirk and Dave's bros were just like, "So, we can fight them off if anything happens." _**

**_Adult Rose and Roxy were like, "Well, Kabana hesan't done aynythin but hlp. So we gess shes okay."_**

**_Grandpa Harley and Grandma were just like, "The kids have guns and computers, so they'll be okay if anything happens. Besides, the "troll" that lives with us is blind, so we don't think there'll be any problems." _**

**_But Dad typically acts like he has a corn cob shoved up his ass anyway, so his attitude toward the trolls wasn't surprising. _**

**_._**

**_Jake heard from Dave's Bro that Karkat had been kicked out of the house, so he wanted to go and comfort him. He is, after all, John's actual father, though he still has no idea how that could possibly be. _**

**_He gets in John's room and tells Jane that Dirk needs her for a project. She leaves and leaves John and Jake alone. The two of them talk for hours, eventually cheering John up until he realizes that Casey isn't home yet. She should have gotten home yesterday. Great, here come the waterworks again. But that could have been caused by the horns that have quickly grown out of John's head to full size, which scared the crap out of Jake when it happened. _**

**_._**

**_Casey walks in the door. The house is eerily quiet. She could have sworn that John said he'd be waiting for her. Knowing him, he would have jumped out and shoved a restored bunny from his favorite movie in her face by now. _**

**_Just as John needs to be comforted by today's earlier events, Casey also needs to be comforted because of her late arrival. As previously stated, she was scheduled to arrive back home yesterday. The reasoning for this is because her bus got ambushed by a couple of wild trolls. One troll had a cancer symbol and horns like Karkat's. The other one had John's features: his blue eyes, scraggly hair, painfully obvious overbite, etc. They held the bus hostage for twelve hours trying to figure a way in and get people out. That is, until they were stopped by John's and Karkat's godheads. Yes, though they may not like anyone else, especially Karkat's godhead, they absolutely adore Casey and wanted her to be free. Before they arrived, the troll that had John's appearance (and rather low I.Q.) informed the other that he smelled trolls. His sense of smell is extremely keen, and he was able to describe, in detail, the five trolls residing with the kids. He was able to do this because their smells rubbed off on Casey and lingered there. This gave them a higher interest in eating her, as mutant-bloods, being cherry red, typically taste a whole lot better than normal bloods._**

**_After the trolls were sent away (Karkat killed the one in his likeness, much to the Heir's dismay), the two godheads had an argument, right there, next to the bus, for everyone, including Casey herself, to see. She and her friends deduced from that that her daddy and her daddy's grumpy boyfriend are gods, and one of them is a troll. This freaks her out and she becomes scared to go home for once, mainly because of her daddy's grumpy boyfriend being a troll._**

**_. _**

**_Now back to the present (in this rather long flashback), Casey silently calls out her daddy's name, hoping to get a response. She does it quietly so that no one is startled. But it appears that no one is home. Yet._**

**_She walks into the kitchen and sets her trumpet on the counter top. She then hears creaking coming from down the hall. Quickly turning her head, she sees a candy-corn-colored column with a weird split in it come through the doorway. It appears to be the same horn that was on the troll that resembled John. She quickly dives behind the counter so as to not be seen, and crawls over and silently grabs the largest frying pan in the house, which weighs about ten pounds. As the wild troll makes its way into the open area from the hallway, she crawls around the island-counter and under the dining room table to remain hidden. _**

**_The troll opens the fridge, giving off enough light to illuminate a strip of Casey's face underneath the table. Though part of her is illuminated and stands out from the surrounding dark, she remains unnoticed as she sits and watches the troll._**

**_The troll grabs something out of the fridge that looks like a piece of chicken and heads back to the lit room where it came out of. Casey breathes a sigh of relief, that is, until her phone rings. She quickly silences it, hoping that the troll didn't hear._**

**_._**

**_In John's bedroom, John picks up his phone and calls Casey. When she doesn't answer he becomes even sadder and continues to eat his chicken, which he has yet to realize is raw. Jake tries to stomach the chicken-eating scene, but fails to do so and runs out of the room. The bathroom, unfortunately, is on the other side of the kitchen, so Jake has to run through it to get there, but he doesn't make it and has to use the trash can instead. He is startled by Casey, who grabs his arm and pulls him away from the trash can and under the table. She tells him that there is a wild troll somewhere in the house and tells him to be quiet. Jake, being the intelligently oblivious teenager he is, believes this and becomes frightened. He tells her that he'll go get Dave or Dirk (probably Dirk) to come and help, wishes her good luck in being safe, and runs out the door toward Dave and Dirks house. He left his phone in John's room and completely forgot that Casey has one. Casey forgot about hers as well, and when she remembered it, she called Dave and told him that a wild troll is in the house somewhere. He hangs up and tells the other three Striders, but they all fail to believe him and continue to strife, leaving him unable to go and help. _**

**_._**

**_After Jake fails to return to the room, John finishes his raw chicken and heads out to see what happened. When he has his back turned to Casey, she sneaks up on him. But before she could do anything, the two of them hear a phone ding in another room, which grabs John's attention. He runs through the house and back into his bedroom, leaving Casey to run back to her hiding place._**

**_When he gets back in the room he grabs his phone and sees that he has a new message. He opens pesterlog and sees a message from an unknown user._**

**_._**

_- _ [ ] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:17 -_

_ : (You're welcome.)_

**_Huh?_**

_EB: for what?_

**_John sets his phone down back on the bed, not expecting a reply anytime soon, and heads back into the main part of the house in search of Jake. When he gets back into the kitchen, once again with his back turned to Casey, she sneaks up on him and, this time, beats him repeatedly against his head until she is sure he's unconscious. She then drops the frying pan and picks John up by his arms and drags his limp body over to the basement stairs, where she tosses him down and locks the door, making sure he won't be able to escape. On his way down the steps, both his horns become severely cracked and almost broken off completely, allowing blood to pour out of them as well as the breaks in his skin from Casey beating him. Casey then proceeds to clean up the purple blood and calls a gang notorious for hunting down trolls. _**

**_Seconds after the blood is cleaned and while Casey is on the phone with this mysterious troll-hunting gang, John's phone once again dings with another message in Pesterchum. Had he been able to highlight the white text in between the black parenthesis, he would have seen this message:_**

_ : (For delaying that.)_


	16. Chapter 16

**Author: So I decided to try out the HTML source editing to change around the pesterlogs. If this works, which in the Doc Manager it does, I will probably go back and edit all the pesterlogs from previous chapters.**

**.**

* * *

.

Where's John?

.

- carcinoGenesis [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 8:12 -

CG: JOHN.

CG: JOHN…

CG: HELLO? IS ANYBODY THERE?!

CG: I'M STILL FUCKING WAITING FOR AN ANSWER!

CG: DAMMIT EGBERT! ANSWER YOUR GODDAMN PESTERLOG, OR WHATEVER YOU PEOPLE CALL IT! I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU THIS WAY SINCE YOUR FUCKING HUMAN MAN-LUSUS WON'T LET US SEE EACH OTHER!

EB: Oh, im sorry Karkat. I didnt know you were there.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TYPING QUIRK?

EB: Nothing. Im just trying to pick another one out. I got bored with the original.

EB: I hope it doesnt bother you.

CG: YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT EVERYTHING BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

EB: Well im sorry that i dont hang out with you and daddy all the time so i dont know what youre exactly like.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK? JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?

EB: Wait, you thought i was daddy? No, im Casey.

CG: THEN WHERE THE FUCK IS JOHN?

EB: Why wont grandpa let you see each other?

CG: CASEY JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

EB: I dont know. I havent seen him since i left for band camp.

CG: OH.

CG: WAIT

CG: HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HOME?

EB: I got home last night. About nine i think.

CG: OH MY GOD!

EB: What?!

CG: HE PROBABLY RAN AWAY!

EB: Why?!

CG: BECAUSE OF ME!

-carcinoGenesis [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

.

Okay, that was nerve-wrecking. Was he mad at Casey for some reason? No, she knows Karkat. The most he would do is yell and swear. Right? Perhaps, but what about that one troll that looked like him the other day? That one seemed out for blood and food. Probably mostly food. Food that her body can provide…

No. Karkat wouldn't do that. He's been nice to her in the past. Or at least she thinks he has. But what was all this about Grandpa Dad kicking him out? Did he find out that Karkat is a troll? Did Karkat try eating him? Wow, Casey really needs to get her mind off of this.

All she knows is that John isn't home yet. And she's starting…scratch that…been worried out of her fucking mind ever since. Grandpa Dad says that he called the cops and they're searching for him. She decides to call Dave over. Whenever John or Karkat couldn't be there to comfort her, Dave was.

* * *

.

"Now, aren't you all happy that you sabotaged my beauty sleep?" The four Striders have absolutely no idea how this could have possibly happened. "I'm not hearing a response."

"Terezi, just let us go," Dave says. He's tired of this joke. It was a little funny at first, but now it's beginning to turn terrifying for the humans. Perhaps the two Bros should've listened to Dad when he warned them about trolls.

"Dave, that isn't what I asked."

"It was fun while it lasted." Dave turns his head toward the troll on the branch next to him and smiles sarcastically. No, not smirking, actually smiling, yes, in a rather sarcastic and joking way, but smiling nonetheless. "Please, can you tell us how exactly we wound up in this predicament? Or do I have to force you to?"

"You better watch it. One wrong move and you're hung." Terezi laughs maniacally. Dave seems to be the only one of the four Striders unphased by it.

The five creatures stand on a tree branch twelve feet above the ground. Each Strider has a noose around his neck with a five foot rope tying him to the tree. If he falls, his neck snaps and he's dead. Dave seems cool about all of this, but Dirk and their Bros, which are really adult versions of themselves, are freaking out. Each of the three is sweating. Their shades have fallen to the ground, exposing their mutant eyes. Adult Dave's eyes begin to "water," as he puts it.

To show that she's serious, she has also tied a miniature noose made out of string around a squirrel's neck. Making sure all four Striders are paying attention she pushes the squirrel off the branch, leaving it to hang by its noose. "You know, Terezi, if you're so obsessed with justice, you would realize that this is way too much of an overreaction to a loss of sleep. Besides, it isn't my fault I was strifing. The other three dragged me into it." Dave attempts to get out of his punishment. But just as Terezi is about to shove his sorry ass off the branch, her phone rings. She answers it and Jade complains on the other end. "Have you seen Jake anywhere? He's been gone since last night. I mean, I know he went over to talk to John, but I know that he wouldn't stay over at someone else's for more than a few hours."

"No, I haven't seen him, but I'm sure he's just hanging around somewhere." Terezi giggles as she looks over to another branch where Jake swings slightly, pushed by the small breeze moving around the yard. The noose digs into his neck as his weight attempts to pull his body down.

"Are you sure you haven't seen him? That giggle sounded awfully suspicious."

"Harley, I am a lady of justice. I do nothing to anyone who does nothing wrong." What Jade doesn't know, or at least Terezi hopes she doesn't know, is that Jake shot one of his pistols in the air to stop the Striders' strifing, and effectively waking Terezi.

**_Jake comes running to Chez Strider. He comes from the general direction of John's, and formerly Karkat's and Gamzee's, house. He knocks on the door, trying to get anybody's attention when he realizes he has a phone. He reaches into his pocket to take it out when he doesn't get an answer at the door. When he doesn't feel anything, he realizes that he probably left it at John's house. Either way, the attention of any one of the Striders would be appreciated at this current point in time. Preferably Dirk. _**

**_The night goes quiet without him banging on the door. And suddenly, Jake hears something around back, sounding like it might be coming from the woods behind Chez Strider. He walks around back, and to his surprise, it isn't coming from the woods. For once, the four blondes are strifing in their back yard, relatively close to the house compared to the rest of the fifteen acres. They have a fire going in the fire pit, giving them some light and a little warmth in the cool night air. _**

**_Jake knows all too well the dangers of a Strider strife, but nevertheless, what must be done must be done. He runs out behind the house, a new prototypic battle cry erupting from his larynx and shooting his pistols off in the air. It isn't so much the pistols as it is the horribly fruity battle cry coming from the [adventurous] teen. The four Striders stop what they're doing and just stare at Jake in confusion and bafflement. Dirk goes so far as to scratch his hurting brain trying to figure out what exactly his boy toy is doing. _**

**_"Now you all listen up," Jake begins to shout, but as he begins, the back door of the house slams open, revealing a teal-blooded troll with anger in her eyes._**

And somehow the following events led us to here. Jake, of course, was regarded as the main culprit for waking Terezi up. The other four were regarded as instigators. Jake was hanged first for being the main culprit. The other four get to watch each other die. Hopefully.

"Ugh, fine, whatever. If you see him just tell him that grandpa…I mean…_he_ is worried about his safety. Okay?"

"Whatever." Terezi hangs up the phone. Now, back to business. Maybe.

Just as she begins with what she was doing prior to Jade's rude interruption, her phone rings again. "Ugh, this shit is really starting to get old," she says to herself with a scowl. She answers the phone. This time it's Rose.

"What do you want, Lalonde? "

"Well, I do believe that I wish to speak with Dave. He hasn't been answering his phone."

"That would be because his phone is inside."

"And where exactly would he be?"

"In a tree, about to become one of my scalemates."

"What does that—no, don't answer that. Just, never mind. I don't want to know. Anyway, can you at least let me talk to him? "

"No."

"Well, then can you pass along a message?"

"Maybe."

"Terezi, this is no joking matter. John has run away and no one knows where he is. Roxy, Kanaya and I are here with Casey and we're all quite worried."

Terezi's eyes widen. Number one: she wasn't expecting John to be home. Number two: CASEY'S HOME! EEEEEE! Terezi just wants to scream with excitement that her best friend is home. Well, best child friend. she hangs up the phone.

"Uh, Terezi," Dave asks, becoming concerned for the psychotic alien, "are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah! Casey's fucking home!" With that she decides to get the duty done and instead of waiting any longer, she pushes all four Striders off the branch at the same time. Their necks are almost snapped before their combined weight pulling on the branch causes it to snap and they fall, barely saving their lives. Obviously they're all pissed at Terezi, and she knows she probably can't pull anything like that off ever again, so she decides to yell, "Oh shit," and make a run for it to spare herself from Dave, Bro, and other Bro. Dirk stays behind to weep for his fallen boyfriend, who lets out a strained and deprived "help."

Looking up, Dirk sees that Jake is barely hanging onto life as the rope pushes father against his fragile neck, threatening suffocation. Without hesitation, he reaches down for his katana and throws it at the rope, slicing it and sending the Australian-accented boy falling to the ground, gasping for breath. He kneels down beside Jake and grabs his hand, pulling him up off the ground. "How the fuck are you still alive? "

"Dirk…when you live…alone…on a jungle island…with vines and that shit everywhere…it's hard not…to…hard not to get tangled up in things…every now and then…So, that experience…allowed me to…as I was falling…"

"Okay, I think I understand the rest of it." Had he not stopped Jake there, who knows how long it would've taken him to complete his statement, taking a couple deep breaths every few words. He takes Jake inside the house to get him a glass of water and let him rest and clear his mind from almost being killed. Who knows, she probably almost killed him mostly because he looks like John, but oh well, it's Terezi, so it's anyone's guess.

.

After barely making it to the now Egbert/Crocker household, Terezi busts through the door, excited and frightened all at the same time and tackles Casey. She tells Casey to hide her. "From what," Casey asks as three of the Striders run through the door, angry as hell, and out for blood. Teal blood to be exact.

Bro grabs Terezi and pulls her away from Casey. Other bro pulls out his sword, but is stopped by Kanaya pulling out her chainsaw. "Oh, so you pull out the chainsaw for that guy, but you don't for John's fucking godhead," Rose asks, angry, surprised, and confused at the scene in front of her.

"Rose, I didn't want our wrath placed on us. At least now I don't have to worry about that."

"It's called the Knight of Time. You do realize that there are three Daves, right? And godhead Dave will probably take revenge for killing an iteration of him."

Damn it Rose, you just spoiled Kanaya's fun.

"So, does this mean I can slice Terezi in half now? "

"Absolutely not," Rose responds. Adult Dave puts down his sword, but Adult Dirk keeps a hold on Terezi. Rose begins again. "Can someone please just tell us whats going on here?"

"Well, I do believe that John is—"

"Roxy, I was talking about the Striders and Terezi."

"Oh."

"Well, Miss Legislacer-whatever here tried to hang us," Dave says.

"She what," Rose is surprised.

"She. Tried. To. Hang. Us. Pay attention, Rose."

"Why did she try to hang you?"

"Because Jake woke her up with his weird little scream and gunshots. She put the blame on us for some reason and tried hanging us. Wait, where's Dirk?"

"I'm right here."

"Haha Bro, I was talking about the other Dirk."

"He stayed behind to get Jake down from the tree." Adult Dave responds.

Wait, she was going to hang Jake as well," Kanaya asks.

"Try 'did hang.' He was the first to be pushed."

"Well, I guess we better hope Jade doesn't find out," Roxy says while pulling out her phone.

"Guys, can we just get back to the matter at hand," Rose asks, trying to steer the conversation back to John. "John is still missing. We've searched everywhere for him."

"Have you looked downstairs," Dave asks.

"No. He would never go down there. Not even if his prankster gambits were acting up again. I'm afraid he's truly missing."

"Karkat thinks he ran away because of him, for some reason," Casey breaks into the conversation. In reality, Karkat thinks he ran away in search of him. He kind of didn't get the chance to tell Casey that much before he was forced to close the pester/trolllog. But that's a different chapter.

Ten minutes later, Jade arrives and out for blood, just like the Striders. Kanaya meets her at the door and calms her down. Though her godhead inherited the dog appearance, mortal Jade herself also inherited the doglike attitude and keeps at the ready for any attack that Terezi might do.

.

Down at the bottom of the basement stairs, John wakes up and hears their argument. His head is in extreme pain, so much that he can't even make any noise. He tries to move on the ground, but is horrified when he feels something wet. He puts his hand in the puddle around his head and brings it up to look at it. his hand comes out dripping something purple. It has a metallic smell reminiscent to blood. And he comes to the horrifying realization that it is blood. His eyes widen as far as they can go before the pain causes him to close them abruptly.

"Three-Two- One…" the 'one' echoes through the entire house.

"Uh, am I the only one that just heard that," Dave asks.

"No, I heard it too," Rose says.

"I think we all did," Jade replies. Everyone has a look of half-confusion and half-fear. They have no idea what just happened and it's creeping them out.

.

* * *

.

"Wake up."

"Hello? Are you listening to me?"

"Of course you aren't. You're still asleep. Oh well, I guess I'll just stand here like a creeper and watch you in order to pass time while waiting for your stubborn ass to wake up."

John lies asleep in a rather elegant room. Okay, more like completely out cold. Unconscious. No awareness whatsoever.

**Several minutes later…**

"You don't have time for this." A bucket of ice water is dumped on John, effectively waking him up. he gasps for breath after the shock of ice water hitting his bare skin subsides.

"What the fuck was that for?! "

"You weren't waking up." Bequerius attempts to make himself sound as innocent as possible. But John isn't falling for that shit.

"You could've just shaken me like a normal person."

"In case you haven't noticed, boy, I am not a normal person. Now, I know you have questions, and we definitely don't have all day, so start asking before I start answering."

"Uh," great, now John has no idea what to say. "Help me out here."

"Well, you could ask about your condition, or why you're here, or quite possibly about your blood."

"Yeah, let's start with the blood. That was a little horrifying."

"Excellent choice. Now, this is going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but yes, to answer your main question, your blood is purple."

"Okay. But that doesn't answer why it is."

"It's purple because a weretroll's blood creates a new protein to change its color to its eye color."

"But my eyes are red!"

"You didn't let me finish. Your eyes turned red because blood vessels popped from the sudden change in DNA. The blood pooled around your pupils. That's why your eyes turned red."

"Then shouldn't they be purple?"

"The blood didn't mix with your irises. It covered them; that's different. The new protein is the same shade as your eyes and is designed to carry carbon dioxide, just as Vriska's was. It began to mix with the hemoglobin, which is designed to carry oxygen, and instead, began reflecting purple light. That is why your blood is purple."

"Oh."

"Ask another question." Beq smiles.

"Okay, uh, will I ever turn back into a human? "

Beq laughs. "Boy, you are still human! Albeit not entirely, but you are!"

Okay, now John is confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You are not fully a troll. You appear so, but believe me, both you and Karkat will know exactly when you become a full troll."

"Why?"

"Remember when Kanaya was telling you all about this? Well, she said that the first-generation weretroll turns into its victims original species, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Well, she forgot to mention that this doesn't happen until the second- generation weretroll's transformation is complete. It happens suddenly and instantaneously, causing a great deal of pain as the horns retract and completely disappear."

"But she said it's only temporary."

"It is; it only lasts for a few days before the creature suddenly and instantaneously returns to normal, also causing a great deal of pain as the horns grow back, and so on and so on. I'm not quite sure why it happens though."

"How do you know all this stuff?"

"Boy, do you honestly think that you and Karkat are the only weretrolls in a universe full of trolls? There are countless planets with trolls inhabiting them, just as there are in a lot of universes. Mainly due to Her Imperious Condescension."

"Oh."

"But back to the original question."

"What was that?" Okay, now John is lost. What was the original question? Oh, right: will he ever become a human again.

"It is rather difficult for me to say. Omniscience only goes so far, you know."

"What does that mean?"

"I can tell you the exact future when it comes down to an important decision. But when it comes down to an important discovery, that's where omniscience splits apart."

"Oh, what does that mean?"

"It means that depending on what the discovery is, omniscience forces me to see multiple possible outcomes, ranging anywhere from two to two billion. In your case, I see five. One: you find the cure in time and turn back to normal and live out your life as if it never happened, except for you being banned from seeing the trolls, until you're eighteen. This outcome is slightly plausible."

"Slightly?! What does that mean?!"

"Two: You find the cure in time, except you begin to wonder what it would've been like to be a troll for the rest of your life and do it with Karkat and have him bite you again. You refuse all efforts to change you back and enjoy life as your matesprit's species. This outcome is plausible."

"You still haven't answered my question about being 'slightly plausible.'"

"Three: Everything in that last scenario except that you regret your decision and become severely depressed, eventually committing suicide."

"What?!"

"That outcome is slightly plausible. Four: you don't find the cure in time and are forced to live out the rest of your life as a troll. You come to terms with all of that and accept it as a gift instead of a curse. This outcome is extremely plausible."

"I don't want to be a fucking troll!"

"The final outcome is possibly the worst, but fortunately is the least plausible of all: You don't get the cure in time and slip into depression. Depression from not being able to hang out with your friends in public because your horns are too showy, depression from the knowledge that you can never have to not worry about your blood caste, depression from the thought that you don't fit in anymore, et cetera. The final outcome of this is that you commit suicide around three years from the complete transformation. Now, how you commit suicide is completely up to you, and since this is only a plausible outcome, I have no idea how that would be. If it were up to me, I would place my bets on either the second outcome or the fourth. But all of them are possible."

John's jaw drops to the floor. He isn't suicidal, nor will he ever be. He can't even believe that Bequerius even suggested that as an outcome. "Just take me back home."

"Alright. Threetwoone!" Poof. They're back in the basement.

"You could've at least put me in my room," John says, becoming angry.

"Well, as a first guardian, I must complete time loops. That is what I'm doing. Of course the time loop won't officially start for another four hundred years, but it still must be completed. I also took the liberty of bandaging your broken horns. Ask Equius any day and he will tell you that it's better to have complete horns than broken ones. Fortunately the bandages will only need to be on for another two days as troll horns tend to heal rather quickly. Before I got to them they were both broken completely. You're welcome." With that, Bequerius disappears, again. John flops down on the couch and turns on the TV, trying to distract himself from the creepiness that is his basement.

.

* * *

.

"For fuck's sake will you just shut up! We're only a couple hours away," Spades slick shouts in his walkie-talkie. He doesn't use a phone when he's driving because he just ain't into that shit, you know? He demanded that he drive himself down to this broad's house alone with everyone following behind him and damn it, that's what's going to happen. He wasn't, however, expecting Clubs Deuce to keep asking "Are we there yet," like a five year old. And it's starting to bug him. Gog, he hopes that this isn't that one troll from his session of the Game.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author: By the way, "shampooing" is French for "shampoo". Just throwing that out there for all of you who think that may be a typo. It isn't. Anyway, behold, a wild chapter appears. Enjoy.**

* * *

.

Around one o'clock, Dirk and Jake finally arrive after calming the latter down for a few hours. Seriously, if you were hanged, you would take several hours to calm down too, so shut up about it. Unfortunately, when he arrives he is met with a, "So, you care to explain to us the current predicament in which John has somehow stumbled into?" Obviously from Rose.

"What?" Jake, believe it or not, is, once again, confused at what's happening here. This is also one of those rare moments in which Dirk is as well.

"Jake, what is she talking about," he whispers in Jake's ear.

"I have no idea," Jake whispers back.

It is now when Jane decides that it's her turn to speak. "Don't give us this shit, English. We all know what you did."

"Did what?!"

"You left Casey alone with John, whose horns grew to full size and is now unrecognizable as a human, so he could get clobbered several times with a skillet!"

"What?! No, I left because I had to get one of the Striders to help with a wild troll problem in the house!"

"Don't you get it, Jake," Dave speaks up. Hey, this is his best bro we're talking about here. Of course he's going to be pissed. "John _is_ the wild troll!" All the while this is happening, Casey is over in her room spacing out with Terezi. All they know is that everyone else is pissed at Casey for some dumb reason. Suddenly, she's called out into the open area with everyone else.

.

Now, after a few hours awake in the creepy house-like basement, John really needs to relieve himself. He tries to locate the bathroom, wherever that's at, stumbling over everything. Hey, when a basement creeps you out, you tend to avoid it and forget about it, which is exactly what John did. But now he really has to relieve himself and he needs the bathroom.

Ah, yes, there it is, right beneath the bathroom on the main level. Of course. Or, at least he thinks it's right beneath the one on the main level as he can't hear any more arguing.

He stands in front of the toilet and undoes his pants. Looking down at the tentadick, he realizes something. "How the hell do I use this thing," he asks himself. Don't get him wrong. Yes, he's had to do this many times, but since he began changing into a troll, he's had a lot more bowel movements and has urinated during that time. He's never before gotten the chance to get the hang of using a troll bone bulge to pee, so instead he just stands there awkwardly trying to figure out how to use it.

He moves it around with his hands trying to find an orifice that would be used in the bathroom ritual of relieving oneself's bladder by the process of urination. Suddenly, the moving around of the tentacle-like appendage begins to feel good, and he begins to softly moan. For the next five minutes: SEXY TIMES WITH JOHN AND…uh…John? Okay, this just got awkward.

After sexy times, he finds the beloved orifice. That's when it decides to say, "lol, jk jk." Because, as it would turn out, it wasn't the right hole. That was actually on another tentacle-like appendage still hidden inside what John has come to know as a "nook". Needless to say, his pants kind of got covered in a translucent yellowish-blue liquid known as Troll John urine.

This is rather uncomfortable, so he thinks about climbing in the shower. His thoughts are only made stronger when he looks in the mirror. "Ugh, he could have at least washed the blood off my face," he says to no one in particular, but hoping that Bequerius can hear.

He climbs in the shower, which is only about a minute from where we left off upstairs. Everyone upstairs except for Casey doesn't know about John being in the basement, so they're all confused about a strange new sound emanating from the basement. Whatever it is, they can't make out. "Casey," Dave shouts, "get in here!"

Casey comes running in. "Yeah?"

"Did you lock him in the basement?"

"Well, it was the only place capable of containing a wild troll, so yes." Everyone except Casey runs over to the basement door. They try breaking in but it won't budge. "It won't work," Casey hollers.

"Why the fuck not," Dave asks.

"Because it's a safe house."

"A what now?"

"A safe house. The door is completely secured by a pass code."

"Then what's the fucking pass code?!"

"I don't know! Grandpa never told me!" Everyone except for Dave moves away from the door. Dave stays behind and tries to bust it down but to no avail. Really? Why would Dad need a pass code-protected safe house in his basement? As a basement? Now, according to Rose and Kanaya, it's a contest between Jake and Casey on who's the bigger idiot. Dirk calls Dad at the bakery to get the pass code, but the phone isn't answered.

"I guess we'll have to go to the bakery and get the code from him personally," he says after a couple calls. Everyone begins to walk out toward Rose and Kanaya's van. "Dave, come on." Dave quits beating on the door.

"Wait, can't we just get Sollux to come over and take the door off, or is he still blind and powerless," Jane asks.

"No, he's being healed by Aranea. He's been gone for about nine hours," Jade replies.

" Okay. Casey, you stay here just in case John knows the pass code and gets out," Jane orders.

After everyone else except for Dave goes out to the van, Rose goes over to Casey. "I hope John isn't completely pissed at you for this!" She says that in a little whisper-yell so no one would hear her. After saying that, she walks off toward the van.

Dave waits until she leaves to go over to Casey and, with a whisper-yell, says, "I hope he makes you watch Con Air for this! And I hope he makes you watch it good!" After saying this, he turns around and storms off toward the van with everyone else.

Casey, amazed at what she just heard, can't help but just stand there, looking out the door and watching them drive off, and ask herself, "Did he just threaten me with a movie?"

On the way over to the bakery, Dave watches out the window for something. He doesn't know what exactly. Karkat, perhaps? Well, no one runs away from his best bro like that and gets away with it, so yeah, perhaps. All he's certain of is that their broship may be over unless the cherry-blooded troll can give a good explanation as to why he hasn't shown up to the house. But then something catches his eye.

In the oncoming lane, a slick black van passes the kids. It may have just been the dark discoloration from his aviators, but Dave swears it was a certain carapacian from their game. "Guys, I think Jack just passed us."

"Who," Roxy asks.

"Jack. You know, that evil dude that all but destroyed our sessions."

"Wasn't he obliterated with the sprites when the game ended," Rose asks.

"I thought so too, but apparently not. I could've swore he just passed us."

"Which direction," Jake asks.

"Shut up. You have no place to talk. But he was going the other way." Well, this is rather comforting news. Jack is now on the loose in their universe. What makes it better is that he destroyed their original. Yes, it is a rather comforting thought. "Look, let's just get the pass code, get John out of the basement, and kill the fuck out of Jack."

* * *

.

"Er. Mah. Gerd. This is the absolute best shower ever," John says to himself as he rinses the shampooing out of his hair. "I really needed this." He has yet to realize he has nothing to wear after he steps out.

Upstairs, Casey hears a knock at the door. She gets up and opens it. On the other side stands a certain carapacian we all know and potentially quadrant flip with.

Enter Name: Jackof—

NO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR STUPID JOKES! YOU DON'T GET TO NAME ANY MORE CHARACTERS ANYMORE!

Anyway, as I was saying, It isn't Jack. It's Spades Slick. There, try to name him now.

What's that? You can't? Gee, I wonder why.

Getting back to the story, Spades stands there waiting to be welcomed in. "Unless, of course, this is the wrong house," he asks the broad which had answered the door. He was expecting someone older, but oh well. A broad is a broad.

"Uh, yeah, come on in."

"Thank you." Spades isn't normally polite with his clients, but this is just a little girl here, so he'll try his best not to spoil her. He steps in the house and looks around. "Where is it?"

"Oh, it's uh, downstairs."

"Do you have any food?" After he asks that, he notices a McDonald's bag on the counter. Dirk and Jake went there to pick up lunch for everyone on their way over to the house. Needless to say, most of it had gone uneaten. He goes over and picks up the bag. "It's still fresh?"

"It hasn't been out for very long. Maybe twenty minutes."

Spades nods. "Where's your basement?" He follows as Casey leads him over to the door.

"It's pass code-protected. It's completely locked until we get the code from grandpa." Now would probably be a good time to mention that Casey doesn't believe in superstitious shit like "weretrolls," or whatever Kanaya called it. She knows damn good and well what her daddy looks like and what he sounds like when he hits the ground. This troll sounded nothing like that. So she doesn't believe any of the others.

Spades looks at the keypad. After a couple minutes of staring, he presses three buttons, each making a certain sound, and the door unlocks. Casey looks at him wide-eyed. "How did you do that?"

"Some things are just obvious." Wait, did this stupid red piece-of-shit piece of glass over his eye actually do something? He could've swore he just looked at the thing and saw the pass code. He punched it in and the thing unlocks. Apparently that orange guy that was dressed as a troll wasn't completely useless after all.

Casey still can't believe that he figured out the code. She's too surprised to even ask.

Spades opens the door and looks down. "Well, I see blood on the floor."

"Wait, just blood?"

"Just blood. Purple blood to be exact. This troll is royalty." At least he knows that this isn't that one troll that helped him exile the black queen. But there's another problem. The troll is royalty. That means that if it goes back injured, or doesn't return at all, there will be a pissed troll clan hunting them down. He's sure of that.

The two go down the stairs and walk around the puddle. The troll is nowhere in sight. Spades sets the McDonald's bag down on the coffee table and waits. He waits for about five minutes before he sends Casey up to close the door. "But we'll get locked down here," she complains.

"Would you rather the troll get away and bring its friends here?"

Okay, perhaps that makes sense. She goes and closes the door. When she comes back down, Spades says, "I wonder why this hasn't worked. Usually trolls can't resist people food." He looks at the bag again. "Wait," he says, "I had forgotten this is McDonald's, ninety percent chemical and ten percent food. Yeah, if I were a troll, I wouldn't classify it as people food either." This gives Casey a chuckle.

Back in the bathroom, the scent is finally getting to John. Noticing this, he gets a confused look on his face. "Why do I smell McDonald's," he asks no one in particular. Rather loudly, actually.

This grabs Spades' and Casey's attention. They get up and head over to where they believe the sound originated. Listening through the door, they hear running water. Spades shoos her and when she's gone, he opens the door quietly. The room is larger than your typical bathroom. It has two toilets, two showers, one tub, and three sinks. In one of the showers, he sees the troll, standing with his front to the wall where the water stream originates, and his back to Spades. Perfect.

John expected to take a nice peaceful shower in his home-prison. One minute he's nice and stressed about what's happening, and the next, he's being given a wonderful massage with warm water. He really wishes Karkat could be here for this.

Oh, Karkat.

He decides to let the warm water wash the sadness away, and just when he gets relaxed again, he smells McDonald's. He wonders why he smells McDonald's. And now, there is some weird creeper stalker in the bathroom with him, approaching him from behind. Hopefully it isn't a rapist.

He feels so relaxed he wants to sing. But just as he gets the first word out, the shower door opens, allowing cooler air to rush in the shower. This shocks the hell out of him and he jumps, turning around to face the intruder.

"Well, well, what do we have here? A prince, perhaps?"

Oh shit. John's in trouble…again.

* * *

"What the fuck kind of a pass code is that?!" Dave can't believe his ears. What the hell?! Behind him, Rose buries her face in her hands and groans. When asked what's wrong by Dave, she responds, "The rate at which the intelligence quotient of this group is decreasing is alarming. It's just too much to handle."

"That sounds like something I would do just for the fuck of it," Dirk says.

"No, that sounds like something you would do actually being serious," Dave responds.

"No I wouldn't," the former protests.

"Pre-scratch you would," Dave responds. "I can just see it now."

He turns back over to Dad. "Seriously, 'Bippity Boppity Boop'?! Were you fucking high when you came up with that?! How would you even type that in on a god damn fucking number pad?!"

"Simple, it's the sound the numbers make when you hit them," Dad replies, actually being serious about this. "You hit one button, and it goes 'BIPPITY'. You hit the second button and it goes 'BOPPITY'. Then you hit the last one and it goes 'BOOP'." Hearing this, Dave does a facepalm x6 combo. He had help from Dirk and Jake for that, of course. Albeit unwillingly, but help, nonetheless.

* * *

.

Karkat lies in his bed, hoping for something to happen: death, an invitation to come back home, anything to get him out of this hellhole of a run-down ratty old motel that had run out of business several years ago. He doesn't even want to know what sort of dead creatures could be in his mattress.

The plan is simple: he stays here for as long as it takes for Dad to come to his fucking senses and invite Karkat to move back in. But for now, he lies here, waiting. Sooner or later Dad will see how miserable John is without Karkat and allow the troll to move back in. Until then, no contact whatsoever. He had only attempted to contact his matesprit last night so that he could tell him goodbye one last time before this unbearably long wait goes into its main stretch, which could take a long time. Don't get him wrong and think that he's a bad person for this. He misses John more than he misses Crabdad. And that's really saying something. As for Gamzee, well, that fuckass can go crawl in a hole and rot for eternity. Who does he think he is, leaving Karkat for his new gas station clerk matesprit? Good fucking luck to the both of them.

Gamzee had pestered him last night apologizing for not being around. He also explained perfectly why he'd left. Supposedly the fucker was getting married to this guy he barely knows and leaving his life with everyone else behind. This is just like him anymore to leave a rekindling moirailegience. Just wait until that gas station clerk finds out his new hubby's a troll. Will Karkat accept Gamzee back? Fuck no. Not this time. One second fucking chance is fucking enough in his book. Possibly too much now that he thinks about it.

And now, he just lies here. He can't get on the computer because 1. The neighboring houses changed their wifi passwords, and 2. The battery is dead. That's why he couldn't explain to Casey why John would've run away. He had to log out of Trollian before the battery ran dead because if he doesn't, the damn program starts sending these random, gibberish-filled chat messages to random people on his list. It annoys him the fuck out. The reason he can't recharge? The fucking building doesn't have fucking electricity. He's lucky to even get lukewarm water out of the shower for more than thirty fucking seconds.

And the worst part is he can't go out anymore. He has no body paint and his wig was stolen by a rat the size of a freaking chihuahua. It scared Karkat shitless when that thing just came out of nowhere and snatched it away. And there was no way he was going to try to take it back. That thing could've probably eaten his hand. Okay, maybe not, but he wasn't about to take the risk. So now his horns stick out of his head, completely exposed for the world to see and his gray skin shows completely, as well as his orange and red eyes. He's trapped in this small, moldy motel room until a miracle happens.


	18. Chapter 18

**In which a couple more characters are introduced...**

* * *

.

Call him a wuss, but Karkat really misses John.

Just a half hour after we had last heard, he's begun to go completely cray cray. His mind is beginning to shut down from neglect. Sure, it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since Dad damned him to roam the earth for eternity, but he's a sensitive troll, though he doesn't let anyone see. If only he knew what John is going through right about now.

He gets up off his moldy mattress and leans up against the old, dusty dresser supporting an old television set. His mind is completely lost in nothingness. He can't even think straight. He looks at the ring John had given him on their six month anniversary. It brings painful thoughts to his mind—thoughts about never seeing him again. Fearing that these thoughts may come true, he slowly takes off the ring. Though it's extremely dim in the room, the ruby shines brightly. It was a cheap move on John's part buying a ruby ring. After all, he knows that Karkat hates red, but he quickly grew accustomed to it and began to love it. He actually loved it from the start just because of the gesture. The conversation between the two when he got the ring runs through his head as he stares into the gem. His eyes fill with tears and he lets the ring slowly slip out of his hands and onto the filthy floor by his feet. After this he strips down and heads into the bathroom and turns on the shower. He steps in and sits down, hoping that the water and the darkness will wash his sadness away.

* * *

Back in the present, Dave continues on with the Facepalm x6 combo. Seriously, "bippity boppity boop"? What. The. Fuck. Mr. Egbert. His excuse is that it's an easy combination to remember. "Yeah, perhaps, if you're Cinder fucking ella," was Dave's reply. There's just no possible way a sober person, lest they be a five year old girl, could ever have that as a lock combination. "So, what numbers would those be," Dave asks, sort of abandoning hope of logic being present in an answer.

"I don't know. I just memorized the location of the buttons that made the sounds. I didn't look at the numbers. Now shoo, all of you. We still have half this order to do." In reality, Dad was just getting embarrassed about the pass code. If you were forty-three years old and have a pass code set as "bippity boppity boop," you would be embarrassed as well. Especially around your employees.

After the kids leave, Jake comes back in the kitchen just long enough to kick Dad in the shin. While Dad is hopping around on one leg trying to cradle his bruised bone, and Jake is heading out the door, he turns around and tells Dad coldly, "If you hadn't kicked Karkat out of the house none of this would be happening." After that he leaves and rushes back out to the van with everyone else.

Seconds after they leave, Jake speaks again. "You know, I was thinking that maybe that Viceroy guy from the game could help out."

Dave facepalms again. "You do realize that Viceroy is Casey's male alter-ego, right?"

"No he isn't."

"Yes he is."

"Do what now?" Rose is surprised at this revealing. She had thought her little Viceroy Bubbles von Salamancer was a different one altogether. This would probably explain why he always complained about getting his hands dirty. Apparently she's just now getting the news. Viceroy has gone through a sex change and became John's daughter.

"Either way, what would that do to help? Viceroy was just a salamander and didn't have any real magic," Dave continues.

"Well, if said salamander did still exist, he would probably have the power of the Horrorterrors. I do believe I let him, or I guess Casey, keep the wands."

"Whatever, let's just go get John out of the basement before something bad happens," Dirk says, trying to end this nonsensical conversation.

* * *

"Sit," Spades orders the royal-blooded troll. Casey watches from across the room. From what she's heard, the higher in the "hemospectrum" they are, the more prone they are to violence, so she's keeping her distance. Now that she looks at it, the troll does resemble that one that ambushed her bus. It has the same weird horns and "Oh my god!" She becomes completely horrified at the new sight in front of her. Right in front of both her and Spades' eyes, a weird symbol became scratched into the troll's chest. It doesn't seem to faze it. In fact, the troll just looks completely confused. Its eyes move back and forth between the carapacian and Casey. When the symbol is fully formed, its color doesn't match up with the troll's blood like it should. If it matched with the blood, like Spades knows it should, it should be purple. Spades knows the troll's blood is purple by the puddle on the floor by the stairs.

"Can I have a towel or something," the troll asks. Spades can't help but feel as though he knows that voice. He recognizes it from somewhere, he just can't remember. Casey, on the other hand, doesn't, even though we all know who the troll is.

"No you may not have a towel. Not until you answer some questions, at least." Spades is trying to distract his mind from the completely naked troll.

"Come on! It's embarrassing enough that I'm turning into this thing! Now you won't even let me cover up my personal area?!"

"That's right. Now start talkin'."

The troll sits his ass down like he was told, but doesn't answer any questions. "About what?"

Spades facepalms. So what, is he becoming Clubs Deuce? He hopes not. How could he possibly forget to ask a question? Who knows? Not him. "Uh, why are you here?"

"I live here." hearing this, Spades turns his head over to Casey. She looks back, confused at this.

"He's lying! There aren't any trolls living here!"

"I'm not a fucking troll! Not yet, anyway. Not according to Bequerius."

According to who," Spades asks.

"You know, Bequerius. Eight foot tall dog-person. First Guardian…stuff like that?" As a matter of fact, Spades does know stuff like that. After dealing with the snob that is Doc Scratch he should know a lot about stuff like that.

"What the fuck," he says. Obviously rhetorically. Spades honestly didn't think that First Guardians could get much weirder that a four foot tall body with a three foot diameter cue ball for a head. But apparently he was wrong.

Across the room, Casey looks as though she's ready to crap her pants. She has always been terrified of trolls. She had never realized how terrifying and awkward they were up close. Noticing the bandages, she asks, "What's wrong with your horns?"

"That's a funny question because I would like to know the same thing." The troll turns and looks at Casey with an accusing expression. This causes her to back farther into the wall. "Casey, why exactly did you knock me out and throw me down the stairs?"

"Wha—how do you know my name?!" Casey tries to back further into the wall, but she can't because she's already against it as far as she can go.

All of this is giving Spades a headache. Just what the hell is going on exactly? "I'm going up to get some fresh air," he says and begins to leave. As he gets up and opens the door, using the pass code, Casey shouts, "Wait! Don't leave me down here!" He closes the door before he hears and she becomes trapped with the purple-blooded troll who somehow knows her name.

.

* * *

.

"Come on, we're not going to make it unless you quit talking for just one second."

"But if I quit talking to this fine lady then it would be for more than a second as we will be no longer anywhere near each other. I am also trolling her, not talking. I do believe we will be billions, perhaps even trillions of light years away from each other if we happen to go through with this. And who's to say I will be able to contact her once we—"

"Wait, are you suggesting that you're having second thoughts?!"

"No, I'm suggesting that perhaps this isn't a good idea—"

"Just come on."

"But she has not yet received the proper gratitude for allowing us to do this—"

"Dude, she doesn't even know that we're doing this! She's busy healing that one dude. Like Mituna's danscendant or dancestor or whatever it's called.

"Who, the blind kid?"

"Yes."

"His name is Sollux, for your information. Do you not realize that by not knowing his name, you could possibly—"

"No. Just, no. I will not listen to anything about triggers or trigger warnings or whatever. You are not going to start this up or I will leave your sorry ass and go into that universe anyway."

"But…I just…"

"No. That's it. I'm going."

"Cronus, wait! You don't even know where we need to go!"

"Neither do you!"


	19. Chapter 19

**Author: Is it normal to have a dream where Jade and Dave are helping you build the Titanic in Minecraft? Because that was my body's way of showing me that it was trying to regulate my temperature when I was running a fever Friday night. It was weird to say the least, but that is completely irrelevant to the story and I just thought it was interesting enough to share. **

**Oh well, here's another chapter for your guys' enjoyment.**

* * *

**.**

"Casey, answer the question." John's voice is raspy and deeper than usual from his vocal cords changing because of the transformations. Casey is absolutely terrified. "Answer the damn question!"

Casey whimpers backs farther into the wall than physics will allow. She bursts into tears at the troll's anger. How does he know her name? Why did he say he lives here? "Why are you here," she cries. "Did you do this just to torture me?!" Of course. It all makes sense. The troll clan was probably pissed that she got away, so they tracked her down. It's a good thing she called the Midnight Crew.

"Casey, I live here!" the troll doesn't keep the anger out of its voice. It wants Casey to know it's mad. It gets up and makes its way over to her. She becomes paralyzed with fear when it grabs her by her shoulders. And being this close, when it speaks again she can see just how sharp its teeth are.

Very. Absolutely perfect for tearing the raw flesh off her bones.

"I am John," it says, but now with a raised voice. Being this close, it half whispers, half speaks angrily and she's terrified. Then, as if a sudden realization had passed over it, it lets go of her and runs into the bathroom.

* * *

What was he thinking, yelling at Casey like that? it isn't like she knows it's him or anything, even though he just freaking told her. He'd fled to the bathroom for two reasons: he'd just realized that he's still completely naked and exposed for his own daughter to see, and he now feels stupid for not realizing his voice may have…okay, definitely changed along with his appearance.

First, John needs to cover up. Then he can feel regret. He grabs the towel he had set out and wraps it around his waist. He then walks back over to the door, shuts it, and slides down to sit of the floor, where he waits for something to happen. Hopefully something that isn't Jack fucking Noire.

* * *

"I still don't see why I have to come here." Cronus has been complaining ever since he and Kankri had stepped through the portal—about five minutes, and it's driving the red-blooded dancestor insane. But since he doesn't want to hurt the human wannabe's feelings, he just listens and responds.

"You wanted to observe the species more," he tells Cronus. "But more importantly, why am _I_ here?"

Really? Did he seriously just ask that? "Uh, _you_ are here because you felt something is wrong. _You_ suggested that we come here in the first place." Cronus walks around the house and studies every detail. The detail is what he's been complaining about. Kankri, on the other hand, couldn't care less about any details that may or may not be related to the house. He just wants to get to Karkat to solve any problems.

The house, they see, belongs to that doggy human and the rather "jolly" adventurous human. It also appears that the troll who is being cured by Aranea also lives here. By the looks of the pictures and the way the home is decorated, Cronus deduces that the kids used to live out in the jungle somewhere. Yes, he's that intelligent. Kankri, wanting to get a move on, decides that Mituna's dancestor will probably be back any minute now. So he decides to leave Cronus, who, upon realizing his only friend is leaving, chases after and catches up. When they leave the house, Kankri pulls out his own version of a phone and begins a new trolllog, hoping to reach Karkat.

.

-triggerTracker [tt] began trolling carcinoGenesis [CG] at 14:30 -

.

tt: Where are y9u?

tt: Hell9?

tt: Karkat? I'm attempting t9 have a c9nversati9n with y9u.

tt: I'm h9rri6ly afraid that if y9u d9n't resp9nd, it will trigger me and I will have t9 raise my typing v9ice, which is s9mething that I wish n9t t9 d9.

tt: Seri9usly, I can g9 9n all day. All I wish is t9 speak with y9u. That's all.

Tt: I want t9 help and if y9u w9n't accept it I'll have t9 give it t9 y9u by f9rce. That is s9mething which y9u kn9w I am m9st certainly capa6le 9f, and th9ugh it may n9t seem like it, I really d9 n9t like t9. Believe it 9r n9t, I d9 know a69ut my little nickname 6ack in the dream 6u66les and realize that I can s9metimes g9 9n f9rever and ever, and I am c9mpletely prepared t9 d9 such right n9w.

tt: Are y9u actually just g9ing t9 sit there and read all this 9r are y9u g9ing t9 tell me y9u l9cati9n s9 that I may 6e a6le t9 talk things 9ut. 6ecause I had a feeling that y9u may 6e in tr9u6le s9meh9w and I want t9 help. That's all. S9 if y9u c9uld give me y9ur current l9cati9n, even just a general l9cati9n, that w9uld be extremely helpful t9 69th y9u and me.

tt: Please. I'm just trying t9 help.

tt: Really, just trying t9 help 9ut here.

tt: Y9u kn9w, I'm used t9 y9u 6eing silent ar9und me, 6ut y9u are currently n9t ar9und me, s9 please, feel free t9 type a reply.

tt: Any day n9w w9uld 6e nice.

tt: Seri9usly, I'm starting t9 bec9me triggered. D9 y9u really want that?

.

- lonelyLoverboy [LL] began trolling triggerTracker [tt] at 14:35 -

.

LL: vwhoa, hold on just a second and let the vwiggler digest what youre saying. you aren't evwen giwving him room to type.

tt: Cr9nus, stay 9ut 9f this please. This is strictly 6etween Karkat and me, and I w9uld like t9 keep it that way.

LL: like i said, at least givwe him room to type. the poor guy is probably speechless anyhowv by all the stuff youwve sent him already in fivwe minutes. in the mean time, lets just put avway our portable communication devwices and pay attention to vwhere vwere going.

tt: 9kay, 6ut I'll 6e checking mine every s9 9ften to see if Karkat has resp9nded.

LL: believe me, he vwont.

.

- lonelyLoverboy [LL] ceased trolling triggerTracker [tt] -

.

Why Cronus just didn't speak up to Kankri instead of trolling him, no one knows. Perhaps he just wanted a chat buddy for a few minutes, or perhaps he just knew that Kankri would, for once, not listen to him and just keep typing away to Karkat, who he himself knows is allergic to Kankri. It's really not that obvious, yet somehow, Kankri still believes he's just silently paying attention and taking mental notes.

As the two dancestors cross a yard a couple blocks away, they suddenly hear a gunshot, and Cronus cries out in pain. Kankri looks down to where Cronus is holding his leg and sees purple blood oozing from between his fingers. He immediately knows something's wrong. He looks up in the general direction of the shot's origin and sees a woman standing in her doorway with a shotgun held up to her shoulder. She cocks it once and fires again, hitting Kankri in his right shoulder.

How is this possible? How can ghosts be harmed by human weapons?! This is really triggering Kankri and he's about to take action. Using Cronus as a troll shield, he marches up to the lady, who is reloading her shotgun, and grabs it out of her hands. He then proceeds to yell her head off, losing his temper enough to shout several profanities and vulgarities in the process. Cronus only watches as his only buddy yells…and yells…and yells…and yells, for about a half hour.

* * *

Now, back around the time of the CronKri shooting, the actual shooting itself and not the wordy aftermath, Diamonds Droog and the rest of the Midnight Crew, and some of the Felt members who stayed with Spades after the game, and of course, Ms. Paint, arrive at the Egbert/Crocker household. Spades unlocks the safe basement door to allow Diamonds and Hearts to go in and speak with the troll some more. After they don't get an answer, they call Clubs Deuce down to take it and put it in their van to take it back to their base, mainly to kill it or hold it for ransom, perhaps a bargain to never again come near this town or any other. Casey runs upstairs quickly after Hearts and Diamonds walk down the stairs and cowers in her room, crying. She had a near death experience with a troll that claimed to be John. What, was it trying to gain her trust or something? Does she seriously look like she was born yesterday? No, she doesn't and she wasn't.

After about five minutes she hears grunting and a lamp break. She goes out of her room and stakes out at the top of the stairs, remaining mostly hidden and watches as the troll tries its best to break free from Diamonds' grip. It succeeds, but is quickly caught by Hearts and held until it is completely bound by things like handcuffs and ropes to keep it from getting away again. After they carry it outside, she watches as the royal-blooded troll is mercilessly tossed into the back of the Midnight Crew's main van like a ragdoll. The three carapacians hop in the van and drive off, leaving Spades to handle Casey yet again.

When Spades enters, he is attacked by Casey and brought unwillingly into a massive bear hug from the girl, only showing her gratitude for saving her life. He decides against stabbing her to get her off and saves his blade for later on when he's with the troll. Alone. She asks him what she owes and he says that since she's just a little girl, he'll call back later and have her daddy pay for it. She won't have to lift a finger for it. He also realizes that this is the most kindness he's ever shown to anyone ever. After they exchange goodbyes, he hops in his automated vehicular device and drives off, following the van back to their headquarters two states away.

* * *

"Dude, there's another one of those Dersite-looking people driving past us," Dave says as a van drives past them in the other lane. The kids figure that since it's Dave, he's probably just seeing things. That is, until he sees Jack yet again. But this time, it isn't just him that sees, it's everyone. They all watch as Jack drives by them, and apparently he notices them as well because he looks over and stares at them just as they do. His gaze only breaks when he realizes he's drifting into the oncoming lane.

After that weird little encounter, Rose decides it's probably best to floor it and get back to John's house as quickly as humanly possible, which isn't very fast because they get stuck behind an idiot driving and can't pass because the oncoming lane has too much traffic. They make it back after about ten more minutes driving behind the idiot. When they get inside, Dave immediately goes to the basement door, which for some reason Hearts shut it, and begins pressing random buttons to hear their sounds. He determines that the code is 5-3-1, and punches it in. It works and the door opens. After a few minutes, everyone hears, "WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!" from the basement. When Kanaya rushes over to the steps to holler to Dave, he nearly smashes into her as he runs up the stairs. "Guys," he says, "we've got a problem."

"Yeah, we kind of figured by the way you sounded," Kanaya asks. "Now, what exactly is it?"

"John isn't there." Upon hearing this, everyone turns their attention to Casey, or would have if it wasn't for the fact that she had gone back to her room.

"Something tells me this has something to do with her," Jake says.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author: Sorry for taking longer than usual. Writer's block is blocking writer. But anyway, Chapter Twenty! I think this is about the absolute farthest I've gone along on a single story, and just to think, I even have an idea for another fanfic: one in which the kids and trolls get stuck on the Titanic on her maiden voyage. Anyway, here's chapter twenty. Enjoy.**

**.**

* * *

**.**

After a half hour of constant yelling and flames burning in his eyes, Cronus has finally managed to calm Kankri down enough to get them to work together, despite their injuries, and keep the woman from attacking. A few minutes later, the royal-blood is bandaging the other's shoulder. They totally didn't tie up the woman and toss her in the basement—okay, yes they did, but who cares. She shot them, and as far as they're concerned, she deserves whatever she gets, unless it's good. Then they have a problem with it.

Kankri is rather surprised at his companion's medical knowledge. Either that, or the fact that he can read the instructions on the Neosporin box. But that isn't what got him the most. What surprises him most is Cronus' knowledge on how to safely remove a bullet with minimal pain. After he helps him walk to the bathroom with his good arm, Cronus has him check the medicine cabinet for phenol and tweezers. Kankri finds both conveniently located on the bottom shelf and hands them to Cronus, who tells him to sit down and look away. He does, not expecting what happens next.

He suddenly feels a sharp pain in his shoulder, followed by intense burning, then complete numbness. Seconds later he feels something poking and prodding around inside his wound. It feels weird, but it doesn't hurt because of the phenol. A few minutes later, he hears something hit the floor and looks down to see a bullet covered in red blood. After that he watches Cronus dig the other bullet out of his leg and drop it on the floor next to the other one. Cronus then bandages Kankri's arm and his own leg, all with minimal pain.

This is a complete surprise, to say the least.

"You know, you could've possibly helped Rufioh not have to be stuck in a horse's body," he tells Cronus.

"I tried. His spinal cord was severed near the base of his neck. There was nothing that could've been done about it."

"Oh." What? Wait, if he knows all this medical stuff, why does no one like him again? Oh yeah…self esteem issues. Way too many self esteem issues. Issues that make him fell like a human in a troll's body like, five minutes after he even heard about the species.

But none of that matters because now Kankri actually has a reason to like his troubled friend, much to his own dismay. It's bad enough he willingly listens to the constant complaining and self-pity. Now he gets to enjoy it—or at least he feels obliged to. That, however, is something that can't be faked.

Wow, all this thinking has made him miss the next thing that Cronus asks him to do. "Hello?" Cronus waves his hand in front of Kankri's face, grabbing his attention.

"Oh, what?"

"I told you to go look around for something I could use as a hold-me-up stick."

"Oh." He gets up and walks around the house, but finds nothing that could be used as a hold-me-up stick, or what we humans call a crutch, but they don't know that because they're trolls. When he finally comes across the bedroom, the door is locked. He uses his claw to dig into the lock on the doorknob and carefully picks at the lock until he hears a small click. He grins slightly as he slowly opens up the door. When he looks into the room, he sees a man who appears to be in his sixties or seventies with a terrified look on his face. Kankri just stares, confused—confused at why this man would be afraid. Yes, he is kind of intruding, but he's a Beforan troll. Why would anybody be scared of him? Beforan trolls are the kindest. Aside from Meenah, perhaps.

The man just stares at Kankri. He looks like he had recently obtained some sort of injury and couldn't move around at the moment, so the troll takes advantage of this and looks around the bedroom for some sort of hold-me-up stick, but instead finds a wheeled chair. Assuming it's close enough to a hold-me-up stick, Kankri takes the wheeled chair from the room, folded, of course, and takes it back to Cronus. He unfolds it and helps the royal blooded troll in. after he's completely settled, Kankri pushes him out the door and the two continue their search for the crabby dancestor.

A little ways down the sidewalk, the streets being nearly empty, save a few cars with frightened people in them, Cronus decides to spark up a conversation, asking Kankri a rather awkward question. "So, uh, does this mean that we're like, moirails now?"

Kankri slightly jumps at this question. "What?"

"I bandaged your arm and you're helping me move around. Does this mean that we can be moirails?" Cronus looks up at Kankri with sad puppy dog eyes.

"Cronus, I already told you I'm celibate." Kankri hesitates with his remark out of nervousness.

"Wait, what?"

"Quadrants, Cronus. You're asking me to be in a quadrant with you—something that I cannot do out of celibacy."

"So you mean to tell me that you're so celibate that you can't even have a bff?"

"Yes…I mean…I don't know what I mean!"

"Kankri, moirails are called best friends in human talk," Cronus pleads.

"That's because humans don't know romance."

"It's not like we'll do anything to break your vow of celibacy, just things that best friends do."

"Enough, Cronus. I told you I cannot be in any quadrants. It's final, this conversation is over." They spend the next while moving in silence.

* * *

Back at the Egbert/Crocker household, everyone except for Jane packs up some snacks and drinks and pillows and blankets. They are all preparing for a potentially long car ride. Why? The answer is simple: they are going to catch up to the midnight crew and trollnap (?) John back.

"Jake," Jane calls as everyone heads out the door.

"Yeah?"

"Can you come here real quick?"

"It is quite possible, but I don't want to hold everyone up from finding John."

"Don't worry, you won't be going." What?

"What?"

"You heard me. Get in here. I want you to help me with something. Everyone else can take off."

"But I've already got my stuff in the van!"

"Not my problem. Now get in here." Jake begrudgingly obliges and walks back in the house. Dirk carries his blanket and pillow in for him. Before he heads back out the door, the two exchange a kiss and Dirk whispers into the other's ear, "If anything happens between you and Jane, it's over for good."

"Don't worry, Strider. Nothing will happen," Jake says back as the blonde leaves.

"To be sure, I will probably pester you every hour or so!" Well, shit. There goes Jake's good night's sleep…before night even begins. He and Jane wave to everyone as Rose drives off. After the rest are safely out of sight, Jane pulls Jake in and begins speaking, rather annoyed.

"Okay, here's what you're going to help me with," she says, "You are going to keep me back from Casey—just as soon as we get her out of her room."

"What—why?"

"Because I want her to suffer for what she did to John!"

"Jane, are you feeling okay?"

"And if I have to use one of your pistols to put a bullet in her head to prove it, then so be it!" Jane's face reflects the anger and hatred of a thousand devils, or at least that's how Jake would probably describe it, if he could even talk. Right now he's completely silent from shock.

"So this is why you wanted me to stay—so you could use my gun as a murder weapon so you don't get in trouble!" Just then he gets a text from Roxy.

_dirk wants to know why you arent responding to his pesterlogs._

Okay, this is rather unexpected. But he replies anyway.

_Number one, i didn't hear my phone beep or vibrate. Number two, it's only been two minutes. Does he really miss me that much already?_

_no he just wants to know if you and janey are having the sloppy makeouts yet_

_We aren't. And i have completely determined that jane is a psychotic bitch._

_youre just now realizing this? its only taken like, several years_

_Just do me a favor and tell rose to come back real quick._

_why_

_Because either she needs to pick me up or hold my guns hostage. Jane wants to shoot casey in the head._

_just give her time. shell come around_

_How long?_

_about three days perhaps. give or take a decade or two. now you better pester dirk back before he flips and your little somethin somethin's over._

_You mean to tell me that you haven't told him that I'm perfectly fine yet? What the bloody hell have you been doing?_

"Jake, stop playing with your phone and help me get Casey out of her room so we can tor—discipline her!" Jake drops his phone when Jane snaps at him. It lands and hits the hard tile floor, shattering the screen. His jaw drops to the floor when he sees the damage dealt to the poor device, and quite possibly his and Dirk's recuperating relationship.

"Jane, you wouldn't happen to have any computers with you, would you," he calls.

"Only a couple laptops, which are in Casey's room. And don't think that you can just go home and sit on your little computer all day. You are staying and helping!"

Well, fuck. A year and a half of building a relationship back up with Dirk just goes down the crapper like that.

.

* * *

.

_Tick…_

Time seems to run by slowly as cold water runs down his thick gray skin, into the tub, and eventually into the drain.

_Tock…_

The small watch on the vanity ticks and tocks loudly over the shower and the silence. It creates a tension in the air thick enough to be eaten, perhaps enough to drown in. If only that were the case.

Karkat can barely remember John's dorky face, or even his voice, his personality, even his eye color is nothing but a blur in his depressed mind. And it's only been barely a full day since the forced split. He's only been in the shower for about a half hour, but the water became unbearably cold within five minutes; he's long past used to the freezing sensation. The bathroom door is shut and locked, and he sits in complete darkness, listening to the sound of the water and watch. And he tries his best to keep from drowning in his own sorrow.

If only he knows what's in store for him in a few hours…


	21. Chapter 21

A troll is saved from himself

.

**Exactly one unspecified unit of time later…**

A couple is bickering. No, more like fighting, arguing, using words that…well…are too graphic for public eye to read. Though, judging by other fanfictions, I didn't know it was possible…

Just for the hell of it, I will let you name this couple. Have at it.

Enter Name: HARNRY RAVENKLAUS

Enter Name: THEODORE BEAR

Really?! What. The. Fuck!? Did you just pull those names out of your ass or what?! So what, did you decide that since they aren't our typical characters, they don't deserve names as bad as the ones you gave them?! TRY AGAIN, MORON!

Enter name: POOPSMELL RUINSEVERYTHING

Enter Name: WHOREFACE ASSWIPE

That's. Fucking. Better.

.

As previously mentioned, Poopsmell Ruinseverything and Whoreface Asswipe, are currently arguing using language too graphic for public eyes to read.

"Don't $ %$% ^#%^&% tell me I can't $$%^ $ help my #$#$ self, Karkat," Poopsmell shouts. See, even Fanfiction doesn't even recognize these words.

"#$^#$ #^$#% $#%!#$%$#, JOHN, I TOLD YOU THAT WE DON'T NEED TO ##$%$## SOCIALIZE WITH THEM," Whoreface shouts as a reply.

"Why not?!"

"BECAUSE ONE: WE ALREADY AGREED THAT WE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING REGARDING THEM EVER AGAIN! TWO: AS YOUR MATESPRIT, I FORBID YOU TO!"

"I am insulted that you would ever dare say something like that! Just because we're matesprits doesn't mean that either of us has the right to forbid the other from doing anything!" Poopsmell, a.k.a John's Godhead, knocks a rather expensive looking lamp off an end table in the living room, hoping to hit his matesprit with it, but fails to. They've been arguing like this for almost twenty-six hours nonstop. The Mansion of Breath is trashed almost completely. It will take days for even the Bitch Witch, as the mortals have come to call Jade's Godhead, to clean it. And she has the power of a first guardian.

"YOU CAN'T BE INSULTED BY THIS WHEN YOU'RE BREAKING YOUR OWN LAW! AS I RECALL, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT SAID ABSOLUTELY NO MORE FUCKING INTERACTION!"

"That was before my mortal self decided to become a #$ #$%#%$# weretroll!"

"A WHAT?!" Whoreface, a.k.a. Karkat's Godhead, has no idea what this even is, and if it weren't for continual mentioning of helping mortal John, he would have completely forgotten what this argument is about. First, the Heir says that he needs the Knight's help to help his mortal self. Now, his mortal self is a…weretroll? What the fuck?

All of mortal John and Karkat's random petty arguments combined is but a singularity compared to this fight between the godheads.

* * *

**Meanwhile, back on the planet somewhere…**

Getting into more detail about the city: for about twenty-six hours, it has been pounded by a severe storm. Fortunately, all of the kids' houses are out in the country, so they aren't being affected, but in the actual city itself, no. Dad and his employees have been trapped inside bakery. No one can go outside for fear of being swept away by the wind or pierced to death by rain, which looks suspiciously red. To make matters worse, power is out in the entire city. Over seven hundred thousand people are in the dark. And everyone that wasn't involved in the fight at school is trapped somewhere inside the school, where water threatens to flood, being so close to the lake.

But we aren't concerned about any of that. Not yet, anyway.

After finally getting away from a horrible wreck that blocked the road, Rose and the rest of the clan, aside from Jake and Jane, head off again in search for the Midnight Crew and especially John. Dirk has been trying for several hours to get a hold of Jake, who seems to be ignoring him again, just like in Sburb. "I knew getting back into this relationship was a bad idea," he says, frustrated as he puts his phone away. Roxy, just being Roxy, decides that now is a good time to tell him that Jake has discovered that Jane is a "psychotic bitch," as he put it.

"Well, he seems to go for that type," Dirk replies, "I don't really see the difference between a psychotic bitch and a cerulean girl."

"Oh, Dirk," Jade says, turning around to face him, "he's probably preoccupied with Casey."

"No, he isn't Jade. Before we all met, we were in a relationship and he ignored me for like, half a fucking year. I don't think he's preoccupied with anything."

"Dirk, you're just being paranoid. After all, he seemed pretty desperate to get you back. I don't see why he would just start ignoring you again. Grow up, and accept the fact that maybe he just can't get to his phone right now. The battery might be dead, or Jane might have it hidden. In case you haven't noticed, when she's determined to punish someone and needs help, she doesn't letting any distractions through." Then, to herself, Jade continues, "I wonder if she was like that pre-scratch."

A few minutes of group discussion later and Rose's psychological talents seem to have Dirk calmed down and thinking rational, or somewhat rational at the very least, thoughts. And what they all fail to notice as they drive through a small town appears to be a small grey car reminiscent to the one Karkat had, sitting in the parking lot of an abandoned motel along with a few others.

.

* * *

.

Seconds after the van containing the kids and two trolls passes the motel, Kankri and Cronus appear from the semi-thick bush to the side of the parking lot. They had quickly learned that this human-like species seems to detest trolls a couple hours after they left the house. The two dancestors notice that this old building must have been a place of resting at one point in time, and decide to check it out for a place to rest themselves. But what sparks Kankri's interest, is that when they're about to enter a room, he notices a gray car with a rather odd license plate: CRBDD 1, or sounded out, Crabdad One. "Uh, Cronus, I think we should go to this room over here," he says, pulling the temporarily crippled troll over to a door a couple tens of feet down the building.

"Why this one," Cronus asks.

"I just have a hunch that we should try this one." Kankri stops rolling Cronus and goes up to the door. It is mysteriously unlocked, so he turns the doorknob and pushes the door open. The sudden rush of musty air makes him cringe his nose as it blows past his face. He almost coughs.

"Judging by your expression, I don't think this place is safe," Cronus speaks up. "Perhaps we should just keep on moving."

"No, he's here."

"Who?"

"Karkat!" Kankri rolls his eyes at Cronus' stupidity and pushes him in, much to his dismay. After they both get in Kankri closes the door. The musty odor only gets worse the farther in the small room they go.

Both trolls notice what appears to be a "mattress," something that the humans or whatever species inhabits this planet uses as a recuperacoon, on the floor with a couple thin blankets, plus a rather large, thick one like a "sleeping bag." They also notice where it appears that the dust has been disturbed by something. They assume that something to be Karkat. Kankri leaves Cronus alone in the wheeled chair to explore the small room. By the old dresser across from the mattress, he notices that something had rubbed away some of the top of it. He gets closer and sees that each spot is about the width of his arms. Someone was here not too long ago.

Just then Cronus points out a quite sound coming from another room that must be attached to this one. When Kankri turns to go over to the door to see what it is, he steps on something on the floor. "What the heck?" he turns back around and looks down on the floor. Did I just step on a bug or something?"

"I don't know," Cronus replies as he eyes whatever is on the floor. "But I ain't picking it up. That floor is way too dirty."

"Cronus, you're a baby," Kankri says as he bends down to get a closer look. After taking a few seconds to take in the strange object, he carefully picks it up with his index finger and thumb. "It's a ring," he says, holding it up.

"Let me see it," Cronus says and is handed the ring. He inspects it as thoroughly as possible in the dim light. "It appears to be what these people call a "ruby" ring. That means it's worth quite a bit." He looks up at Kankri, who nods and motions for him to go back on. He looks back down at it. After turning it a few times, he sees something that he's never seen before. "There appears to be writing on the inside." He tries to rub it, but it doesn't come off. "It seems to be engraved into it. Hehe, who ever heard of an engraved ring."

"Just read it!"

"Fine, hold your hoofbeasts. 'No matter what we're put through, we'll still be together. Our love is eternal.' Do you think this could be that blue boy that we suspected Karkat of liking?"

"It's quite possible. I knew from the start that Karkat didn't deserve him. I knew he would go do something like this—abandon my dancestor. I swear, when I find this John, I'll kill him, but not before I give him a rather extensive lecture as to why what he did is wrong."

"Uh, Kankri," Cronus says, pinching the bridge between his eyes, " No one deserves that. Just kill him and get it done and over with. Spare him the misery of one of your lectures."

"I don't have to."

"Please, just drop the subject." Then he remembers the slight sound. "Weren't you about to investigate that sound?"

"What sound…oh, yeah. I forgot." Kankri gets up and walks over to the door at the end of the room. He puts his ear up against it. "It sounds like water." Slowly and nervously, as if hesitating, he turns the knob. He hears a slight click, which tells him the door is unlocked and ready to be opened. He breathes in a deep breath and slowly exhales. He slowly pushes the door open to reveal a pitch-black room. The faint light from outside this other room slightly illuminates the contents of this one: a toilet, a sink, a mysterious fabric-looking wall with the sound of running water loud and on the other side. Watching carefully, he notices the fabric-looking wall move slightly. He assumes that Karkat is probably on the other side and isn't even aware of his presence. He slowly walks up to the fabric-like wall and touches it. Oh, it's a curtain. He grabs a hold of the end and pulls it back, revealing an ablution trap with something crouched up inside it. Water sprays out of a weird thing in the wall and lands on and around the figure in the ablution trap. Kankri bends down to get a hopefully better look at the figures face. He sees it to be none other than Karkat. Without words he reaches over and shuts the water off and reaches one of his arms around Karkat. The young live troll is shivering violently and doesn't seem to care about the presence touching him. Kankri wordlessly helps his dancestor up out of the ablution trap and escorts him back to the mattress, laying him down and covering him up with the blankets. Yes, believe it or not, not everything Kankri does involves talking or trigger warnings.

* * *

**Author: Singularity – An infinitely small, infinitely dense point in space, theoretically found at the heart of a black hole. In other words, used in context counting only the small part—nothing compared to the argument between the two godheads. **


	22. Chapter 22

**Author: I offer my sincerest apologies for taking so long to update. I would've done it Wednesday as a celebration for the last day of junior year, but I got Minecraft on the new computer and got extremely distracted by that. Therefore, as a bribe to accept my apology, I give you this longer than usual chapter. Enjoy.**

**.**

* * *

**.**

"Who did this to you? Was it that John human?" Kankri's voice is angry, yet worried simultaneously. "Really, Karkat, as your dancestor I want nothing more than to bond with you and help you in times of need, and this really looks like a time of need. Please, just give me an answer."

"Kankri—"

"Really, I need to know. It's the only way to help."

"Kankri—"

"Karkat, I know that you are most likely depressed. I am here to help lift that."

"Kan—"

"Just one little nod will do. Is it that John human? I know you may not want to hurt him, but he hurt you and I want to—"

"Kankri! Vwill you just shut up one minute and let the boy rest? Can't you see that he can barely keep his eyes open?!" Even Cronus is irritated now. "He can't help you help him if he's dead tired and suffering from vwhat these creatures call 'hypothermia.'"

"Cronus, he needs our help," Kankri pleads.

"And he'll get it after vwe let him rest and make sure he's okay." Cronus' tone is soft now. "Besides, if he doesn't vwant our help, he vwon't tell us anything." He looks over at the now unconscious Karkat. "He doesn't look too wvell." A thought crosses his mind. "Kankri, did you notice that Karkat nevwer seemed to mind us being here?"

"He's always been that way. He's a rather good listener; one of my best students."

"No, that's not wvhat I mean. The last time I sawv him he flipped me off and locked himself in his little dream hiwve. Nowv, it's like he doesn't evwen care.

"He's probably just too weak to show his excitement that we're here to help."

"Kankri, you annoy the shit out of him evwery time he sees you. Believwe me, he vwould probably rather be culled by that other vwersion of Meenah, wvhatevwer she called herself."

"Her Imperious Condescension. Cronus, you should really consider, no, start learning people's names in order to avoid triggering anyone as some people tend to be triggered by being addressed properly. I know of at least three trolls in our session of the game and at least one in our dancestors' session that would take serious offense to not only being addressed by the wrong name, but not even being mentioned at all. It would really help your social skills if you would learn everyone's names because then you could interact with more people and perhaps make some new, actual friends. Perhaps you could even make a best friend."

"Okay, I'm going to stop you there before you put me to sleep. And that really hurt, Kankri. I considered you to be my best friend and you don't even acknowledge our own friendship. Way to not trigger people." Cronus sits back in his wheeled chair. True, Kankri's statement hurt, but not as bad as he's making it out to. He just wants Kankri to feel bad for not being considerate. "Now, if only there were something here I could use as a hold-me-up stick."

"What," Kankri asks, completely forgetting about that whole thing.

"It would cheer me up if you found one for me." He looks at Kankri with sad baby-woofbeast-eyes. Unfortunately, what he didn't know is that Kankri never did like woofbeasts. Not even the babies.

"Fine, but only because you are a little triggered." He looks around the room but to no avail. This species apparently has never heard of a hold-me-up stick. That, or the fact that there would most likely never be a random hold-me-up stick in an old, abandoned motel room, unless this was one of those fanfics that makes everything extremely convenient for the protagonists, but this isn't. This is more reality, aside from being Homestuck (but the characters don't know that…okay, Bequerius does, but he doesn't count because he's omniscient.) "Well, it looks like you're stuck with the chair."

Unfortunately, his statement had gone unheard as Cronus had fallen asleep while waiting for the red-blooded trigger warning-happy troll to search for a hold-me-up stick. _Well, I guess it's back to asking Karkat a bunch of questions, _Kankri thinks, and once again begins questioning the unconscious, hypothermia-suffering dancestor, though he's completely unconscious, possibly in a coma. Who knows at this point? I do, but I'm not telling.

* * *

"Spades, we've been here for a half an hour. What are we waiting for?" Diamonds Droog is becoming extremely impatient.

"I already told you, Paint is taking the troll back another route. He seems all too familiar, and if he is who I think he is, his friends aren't far behind. So I'm having her take him a different way while we continue on, just in case they catch up. I could have sworn I saw that one with those stupid fucking iShades, or whatever he called them, back around the city.

"So, instead of just having her take him a different way from the start, we had to stop here and do a vehicular troll transfer?"

"Well, uh…"

"Chill. No one accused you of being intelligent. If you were you wouldn't have tried to break into English's safe back on that weird, green satellite."

"…I really hate you."

"Those feelings are mutual. Now, for my next question, I will have to ask why exactly we are all still here."

"We, uh, are having trouble opening the back of the van." Spades and Diamonds walk back to the rear of the vehicle to check on progress.

"Are you having trouble opening it or is this thing just a fucking psionic and keeping the doors shut?"

"There are no purple-bloods with psionic powers. That is strictly reserved for the ugly-barf-yellow bloods."

"And the Condesce."

"No, she is mind control. Not psionic."

"Same thing."

"No it isn't! Now help us get the van open."

"Fine." Diamonds reaches over and pulls on the handle. The doors open immediately. "Really, Spades? Difficulties with the doors? You just have to be smarter than the inanimate objects in which you're trying to manipulate. In this case, just pulling on the latch and opening the doors. It isn't that difficult."

Spades grumbles some swear words as he and Hearts Boxcars pull John out of the rear of the van. John has given most of his energy to attempting to escape, but what little energy remains he uses to shake his head around and use his horns to stab out Hearts's eyes. This appears to have little effect on the behemoth at first, but as soon as John is placed in Ms. Paint's white minivan, Hearts drops down to his knees and holds his face, putting pressure on his eye sockets in an attempt to ease the pain. The former Felt members watch in horror as the event happened, and a few barfed from disgust. "Diamonds," Spades calls, to which Diamonds begrudgingly responds, "Drive Hearts to the emergency room."

"Do I really have to?" Diamonds sounds as enthusiastic as a goth at a funeral.

"Yes, and stop acting like a 'teenager,' as these people call their irresponsible youth. I don't pay you to do nothing."

"You don't pay me at all."

"And I'm not about to if you keep this attitude up."

"Whatever." Diamonds leaves Spades alone to escort Hearts to the other van while the former felt members gather to Spades's to head back to base and he hops in the driver's seat of his own. Ms. Paint takes off alone with John while the others get their stuff together and head out as well. Diamonds takes Hearts back to the city, which is about an unspecified number of hours between one and ten away from their current position.

A few miles up the interstate, Ms. Paint takes a ramp off into another direction while the rest of the Midnight Crew, aside from Diamonds and Hearts, keep going straight. After merging onto the new interstate, she looks over into the passenger seat at John.

"You look awful," she says, true concern evident in her voice. John doesn't respond. "You know, it really wasn't my choice to join this gang. Really it was the only way to save my life." She waits for John to answer, but he doesn't. He just stares out the window and the passing scenery. You know, after that horrendous landing from being tossed into the other van, I'm surprised you're even awake. Is there anything you would like to talk about?"

No response.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to get going on with my story. As I had said, joining this gang was the only way to safe my life. I don't think I would've survived much longer in the center of a gigantic green star." This seems to grab John's attention as he momentarily looks over at the white carapacian in the driver's seat, but looks away just as quickly. His action didn't go unnoticed by her, however, because she starts back up again. "Does that sound like an interesting story?" she looks over, but he doesn't respond. "I'll take that as a yes.

"You see, back on the green satellite of Alternia, there was a city. Now, in this city there was a place called Felt Manor. This was home to the Felt, who are pretty much the green people, and a mysterious man named Doc Scratch. Well, when Mr. Hussie had to go there for some reason or another, I had to go with him, but I lost track of him and got lost somewhere in Doc Scratch's apartment. A few hours later, the entire universe seemed to rip itself apart, or so it seemed from the view outside the window, and after that, it looked like empty space just exploded everywhere at once and everything outside turned into green, swirly plasma. Had I not ducked when I did I would've had a face full of plasma and shattered glass, because the window shattered with the explosion and some of the plasma flew in. a few hours, or, I think it was hours…hell, I just lost complete sense of time altogether when I was surrounded by this stuff and I'm just assuming here, but a few hours later Spades showed up and talked to me, I explained what happened to Mr. Hussie, which is a different story, and he told me to follow him and we found the remaining Felt, except for English, but I assume he was off somewhere else destroying reality and being already here and whatnot, and then we went off somewhere and met these kids and there was one of English's servants, another, more evil-looking version of spades, another version that looked like a dog, another dog-looking version, except this one was white like me, and a bunch of kids and trolls dressed up in silly costumes. One, in particular, I think he was wearing a blue costume with a weird little swish or whatever on it, looked like you, except he wasn't a troll and everything." Okay, she definitely had John's attention now.

"What about that blue boy?"

"Oh, so you do talk," Ms. Paint says, half-surprised.

"Yes, now what about that blue boy? Are there any other similarities between him and me?" John is honestly dying to know because he hasn't seen himself now for an unspecified amount of hours between one and ten and he's wondering how much he's changed.

"Well, there's the hair, and the eyes, and the height, not including the horns, um, just the face altogether, and…oh my god," Ms. Paint suddenly recognizes John as she looks at him. "You're the blue boy, aren't you?"

"Yes, and it would be greatly appreciated if you would take me home." John looks back at her with pleading eyes, but she has different plans.

"I'm sorry, but you just aren't in the condition to go back home."

"What?" John can't believe what he's hearing.

"You're bruised too badly. You need care, to be nursed back to health. I'll take care of you and then take you back home, okay?"

"No, I want to go back home now. I have an adopted daughter I need to discipline."

"Well, I'm quite sure your friends can do that. Either that, or it can wait. Correct?"

"I would much rather do it." John has activated stubborn mode. Yes, what many people don't realize about him, even his closes friends, is that he has many different modes: happy mode for normal days, stubborn mode for times like this, bitch mode for times when he's frustrated, and his personal favorite—masochism mode, for when he's with Karkat. It makes him horny even thinking about that one. And that becomes completely evident when a thick, blue fluid begins seeping from between his legs. Yeah, he lost his towel.

"What the fuck? That better not be genetic material!" Ms. Paint can stand a lot of things, but staining her vehicle with genetic material isn't on that long list of things she can stand.

"I…uh…can't help it…" John is completely embarrassed, that is, until the thoughts of masochism mode return and, well, just like the SEXY TIMES WITH JOHN AND JOHN, he can't really hold it in anymore and a crap ton of genetic fluid bursts from his nook and bone bulge. This causes Ms. Paint to lose her concentration on the road and begin to swerve. She quickly pulls over to the shoulder to keep from getting in a wreck, but almost fails as she goes in too fast and runs the minivan into a ditch.

* * *

"Jane, I really need to get home to message Dirk. He's probably worried sick that I'm cheating right now." Jake pleads with Jane to let him leave.

"Dirk can hold his damn horses. We have to figure out a way to get a certain girl out of a room to face a certain punishment." Janes tone is stern. She's frustrated and angry and pretty much Dirk's vision of a cerulean girl. Why he imagines them like that is beyond anyone's guess, probably for the irony, or just because he gets jealous easily. Probably the latter.

"Jane, he said he'll message me every hour to check up! It's been ######## hours now and I still have yet to message him back! Whether you like it or not, I'm leaving!" **Yeah, not so fast English. You aren't going to give out the number of hours that easily.**

"Not yet!" Jane runs in front of him and blocks the door. "You aren't going anywhere. I kept you back because you got us into this mess and you're going to help settle it! Now get your ass back upstairs and help me get the door open!"

"Jane, as much as I would love to help, I would much rather lose our friendship over mine and Dirk's relationship. You don't understand just how much we've been trying to make this all work out, and now you are trying to undo it all. Goodbye Jane. Whether or not you like it, I'm leaving and not coming back to help. This friendship isn't over yet, but if you keep up this attitude, it will be." Jane is completely stunned at Jakes sudden assertiveness. And he uses this as an easy way to push her aside to get to the door and open it up. He walks out calmly, but begins running as soon as he steps off the porch.

Minutes later when he arrives back at his house, Jake runs up to his room to get on his laptop to message Dirk back. However, he is completely unable to do so because Sollux had made it back home from being healed.

And there he stood.

The Gemini had been healed of everything: his vision, his psionic-ness(?), and his lisp. The downside was that when trying to find his way back to his room, he went into the wrong one, which just so happened to be Jake's, and tripped, causing his glasses to fall off, and the sudden jolt caused his psionic powers to act up and trash the room, destroying the computer in the process.

Now, this wouldn't be much of a problem, had the Captor/English/Harley household had more than just the one laptop, but this is a new universe with new lives for everybody. Unfortunately this means that Grandma Jade had forgotten about her previous business making technology that went against the Batterwitch, meaning she forgot how filthy freakin' rich they all were, and they only had enough money for the one computer. Now that Sollux had managed to slip up and destroy it, Jake is starting to wish he hadn't left his pistols in the minivan with the rest of everyone so that he could shoot himself in the head right now and get it done and over with. He could also do this with all the other guns, but they're all locked away.

At this point in time, only one word is flowing through his mind: _Fuck._


	23. Chapter 23

A Relationship Potentially Ruined, and Another Potentially Begun

* * *

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Of all the times that this could've possible happened, it has to be now. Dirk can be an understanding person, right? Right?

"Oh fuck no," Dirk says as he attempts to contact Jake for the … the … hell, he lost track of how many times he's tried. "When we get back, I'm going up to him and beating the shit out of him. Then I'm just going to declare it over and forget about all of this."

"Dirk, you're overreacting." Kanaya tries to calm him down. "When we were on the meteor, Rose was like Roxy—always completely drunk. I put up with it and we came out just fine."

"Yeah, but at least she responded to you."

"She couldn't even correctly spell her ellipses! That's just as bad!" Kanaya reaches back and attempts to smack Dirk, but he dodges with plenty of room between his face and her hand.

"I would like to hear Rose's opinion on all of this," Dirk says, clearly annoyed at the world. Kanaya takes an earbud out of Rose's ear.

"Huh, what," Rose asks.

"Rose, what would be your synopsis on this whole ordeal with Dirk," Kanaya asks, showing her formality for the first time in several months.

"I agree with you one hundred percent, Kanaya."

"Oh my fucking god," Dirk yells from the back seat, "You don't even know what this whole thing is about and you just automatically agree with the troll! It makes absolute perfect sense! Leave it up to the flighty broads to ban together against everyone!" Dirk has just crossed the line, and Roxy takes justice into her own hands. Sitting right next to Dirk on the floor, she stands up briefly to reach his face. He tries to duck away and cover his face, but is unsuccessful. Rosy reaches over and slaps the shit out of his right cheek, leaving a large, red mark on his face in the shape of her hand. The slap caused his anime shades to fall off onto the floor, and the somewhat elder Lalonde picks them up faster than Dirk can reach them, snaps them in half, and tosses them out the window, leaving the orange-eyed boy exposed, and looking rather naked without them. He immediately turns his face away from everyone else and shuts his eyes.

"Say anything like that again, and it will be your head flying out the window," she spit out at Dirk, her words filled with the venom of a black widow. "Now grow the fuck up and consider the fact that Jane can be a major control freak at times and Jake might not be able to answer right now for completely understandable reasons!"

"Like the fact that he's cheating," Dirk says under his breath, to which Roxy slaps him again and replies, "I heard that, now shut up!" After she deals her justice she sits back down on the floor. And attempts to resume the polite conversation that everyone was having before Dirk opened his mouth.

"And Sollux wanted me to be named 'Insufferable Prick' … " Dave says, causing a few giggles from the rest of the group, save for Rose because she's back to listening to her music, and Dirk for the obvious reason.

Needless to say, Roxy feels no regrets.

At this point, the question may arise from you, the reader, as to why they aren't taking the interstate to the Midnight Crew's base and following them that way. The answer is simple, as explained by Rose in a scene we had not witnessed. They are going the back roads where there are no cops, no traffic, no anything to slow them down, just open road. They also want to surprise them, as the back roads are actually a faster way of getting around. This new human species has yet to improve its interstate system.

.

Okay, so perhaps Dirk can be rather intolerant of some things. "Uh, Sollux," Jake says, his voice making it evident that he's on the psychological breaking point, "what happened?"

"I, uh, had a few difficulties adjusting to my new vision." And there it goes. The last bit of compulsion existing in Jake has ceased, and he begins to smile. It is a smile that means nothing. It's empty, and he sits down on the floor and asks if Sollux can retrieve him a gun. "Uh, why," the psionic incarnate asks.

"I left mine with everyone else," Jake replies with that empty smile, turning into something psychotic.

"Okay … " Sollux trails off as he goes and gets Jake a pistol out of Grandpa's gun safe. Honestly, he's a little creeped out by Jake's attitude, and that weird look—that looks like a face a sober Gamzee would make. He uses his psionic powers to easily unlock the safe and gets a gun and takes it back to Jake. He hands it to the green-eyed boy.

Jake sets the barrel of the revolver in his lap as he opens the cylinder to make sure it's loaded. It is. It's completely loaded. With that smile on his face, he looks like a complete psychopath as he brings the gun up to his right temple. Winking at Sollux, he pulls the trigger. Blood sprays out of his other temple as the bullet moves right through his brain and exits the other side of his head, hitting the wall and falling to the floor. His entire body settles on the floor in a pool of blood from his head. It wears that same psychopathic smile it had when he pulled the trigger. Sollux just stares in horror at the scene before him. This is definitely not the ideal thing to witness when you first get your sight back.

"No, I will not let you do that," Sollux says as Jake sits down on the floor.

"Do what, Sollux?" Jake sounds completely innocent in his question.

"Dude, I can read your mind. I'm not letting you kill yourself. If I hadn't just got my vision back it might be different, but right now, no." Sollux tries his best to convince Jake to not go through with it. Jake still tries his best to convince Sollux to let him do it. "No, I won't allow it," Sollux replies every time. "Seriously, what's your problem all of a sudden?"

"Oh, you know, just your average, ordinary, every day complete psychological meltdown," Jake replies with that empty smile on his face.

"You need help. I'm calling Rose." Sollux drags Jake downstairs to the living room where he picks up the phone, but he has no idea what Rose's number is because he has never actually seen the buttons before. "Uh, what's her number, exactly?"

"I have no idea." Yeah, Jake really needs some help.

"Why couldn't they just make these things with voice recognition software," Sollux asks to no one in particular. He then closes his eyes and presses the numbers in their correct combination, which he memorized from being blind. The phone rings … and rings … and rings … and rings until Rose finally picks up.

"Hello," Rose asks on the other end.

"Uh, you need to talk to Jake. He's trying to get me to let him commit suicide," Sollux says on the other end. This grabs Rose's complete attention, and Kanaya has to grab the wheel to keep them from going off into the ditch.

"Rose, what are you doing," she asks, panicked at Rose's sudden inability to pay attention to the road.

"Sollux, put him on the phone right now," she says, which grabs everyone's attention, save Dirk for the obvious reason.

Sollux hands the phone over to Jake, who doesn't accept it. "I don't need any help, Sollux. I need a gun."

Rose, upon hearing this, panics a little. "Jacob English, you take the phone right now and start talking!" This grabs Dirks attention. Hearing her yell on the other end, Sollux uses his psionic abilities to force Jake into picking up the phone, much to his own displeasure. His big secret is that he doesn't actually like to control anybody like he says he does.

"Jake, listen to me," Rose says, putting the minivan into cruise control. "I need you to clear your mind of these suicidal thoughts and tell me what's wrong."

"Tell him to go finish himself off somewhere where he won't be found," Dirk shouts from directly behind Rose, knowing that Jake can hear him. "Tell him that if he's just going to start up this ignoring his boyfriend shit again than it's over for good! Tell him to go back running to his damn cerulean girls!"

"Oh, that's. Fucking. It!" Roxy stands up as best as she can and punches Dirk repeatedly. He makes some attempt at retaliation, but fails as Roxy is too fast to get any hits. After about thirty seconds, she gets a good grip on him and pulls him up, putting him in a headlock and tightening her grip to choke him, while at the same pounding his head against the extremely strong window until he's completely unconscious. She then slams him back down in his seat and gives his unconscious body a death glare. All the while Rose tries to talk some sense into Jake, who has begun crying at the sound of an angry Dirk.

"Jake, please stop crying," Rose says. "Dirk is just a little … uh … thick-skulled. He has no idea what he's talking about." She then says under her breath, "Mainly because he was just knocked unconscious." Jake, however, can't form any comprehensible words in between his sobs. "Jake, just please calm down. When he comes to, I will hand him the phone and you can explain why you didn't answer him, just so long as you weren't actually cheating."

"But I wasn't cheating," Jake barely manages in between sobs.

"We all kind of figured as much, well, all except for Dirk." Rose tries to calm him down. Kanaya tries to push her along with the call so she can take the wheel back. "Kanaya, not now," Rose says to her, "Jake needs to be comforted."

"Could you possibly hurry it up? Or perhaps pull over so I can take over with a more comfortable position?" Just then, a siren is heard behind the car, and lights are seen slightly illuminating the inside with red and blue. "Oh shit," Rose says, forgetting that Jake was on the other end."

"What, do my feelings mean nothing now?!"

"What—no, no, Jake, your feelings mean a lot right now, but there is a cop following us, so I'm going to have to put the phone down and pull over. It should only be a couple minutes. Please hang on." She sets the phone in one of the cup holders between her and Kanaya. She takes the minivan out of cruise control and pulls over to the side of the road. The cop pulls up behind them.

"Uh, you two trolls wouldn't happen to be like, the Flash when it comes to disguising yourselves, would you," Dave asks.

"What's the flash," Terezi asks.

"A really fast superhero."

"Oh, well, no. Why," Kanaya asks.

"Because you two look nothing like humans at the moment." Just then, the cop walks up to the window and taps on the glass, letting Rose know to roll the window down. She does, but after she's completely startled by the tapping.

"Do you know why I pulled you over," the cop asks.

Rose thinks about materializing a box of Krispy Kreme donuts right there, but unfortunately Jade doesn't have her space powers at the moment. She knows that she can't really lie to a police officer, so she decides to list everything that he may or may not have noticed. "I was speeding while talking on my cell phone and having my troll girlfriend keep us on the road because I couldn't concentrate for nothing with the phone. And I have an unconscious boy right behind me with blood on the window?"

"Uh … kind of? I pulled you over because you were speeding, but, I can also give you a ticket for talking on your phone, and arrest all of you for harboring a troll." The cop steps away from the door. "I'm going to have to ask you all to step out of the van."

No one moves.

"Now."

No one moves.

"I said get out of the minivan!"

"You didn't ask," Terezi yells.

"So?"

"You said that you were going to have to ask, but you just demanded. We aren't getting out until you ask."

The cop rolls his eyes and pinches the bridge between his eyes. "Can you please get out of the vehicle?"

"That's better." They all get out, but when the drivers side back door opens, the unconscious Dirk falls flat on the ground, blood coming out of his mouth and his head. The cop speaks into the little mic on his shoulder, "I'm going to need an ambulance and some backup. I think drugs may be involved." The kids' eyes go wide and they all have the same exact expression, which clearly shows what they're all thinking, _What the fuck is this guy's problem?!_

.

* * *

.

And now, I interrupt this exiting little scene to bring you an update on Casey. Believe it or not, she has managed to fall asleep with all of Jane's yelling, and Jake's constant attempt to leave. She couldn't have helped but to think why he couldn't just call Dirk with their phones if it's that important. Now, she's completely asleep, and waking her would be a crime. Girls her age really need their beauty sleep. No ands, ifs, or buts about it. She could've also lent Jake a laptop, but that would mean opening her door and giving Jane the opportunity to strike, and she wasn't about to do that. So she guessed that Jake had to suffer.

Oh shut up. At least she thought about doing it.

But now, Jane doesn't care if waking Casey up is a crime or not, she will do it. And that's what she's planning on doing.

Jane walks up the stairs, contemplating the best way to approach this. Eh, fuck it—she just pounds the shit out of the door and startles Casey and makes her fall out of bed. "Why did you do that," Casey yells.

"Because you fucking deserve it! Now get out here before bust this door down!"

"Like you could actually do that!" Casey crawls back into bed, but what she doesn't expect, is Jane's fist busting through the door and opening it up from the inside. And in walks a madder-than-hell Jane, eyes glazed over with pure, unadulterated hatred. "Well, uh … you didn't break the door down … hehe … " Casey tries to joke about that, but fails.

* * *

_Calm down, Paint. It's only … genetic … material … _Ms. Paint tries to cam herself down by reassuring herself that it's natural. John, however, was thrown against the dash by the sudden stop. "Oh, did I forget to buckle you in," Ms. Paint asks, genuinely apologetically.

"No, the damn seatbelt just forgot to do it on its own!" John can't be more irritated. First he's kidnapped, then transferred to a different vehicle, then refused to be taken home, now thrown against a dash board with no seat belt. It's a good thing he didn't have clothes on. Otherwise he could've caught more air and flown through the windshield.

Not really that last part, but he's thinking it. And he kind of wishes it were true at this point.

And then there's the airbag.

According to physics, John shouldn't be launched over the seat and into the back, but physics, apparently, is wrong, as that's exactly what happened. John was resting his head on the top of the dash, and his chest lay right over the airbag. Something went wrong, there was nothing that could've caused it, and it was a delayed reaction anyway. In one swift motion, the airbag deploys, sending john flying over the top of the front seat and almost snapping his neck while landing in the seat behind him. Ms. Paint is completely stunned at the scene because let's face it, this doesn't normally happen. You would probably have the same reaction. Maybe not.

"Are you okay," she asks worriedly. She only gets a moan in response. "Should I call an ambulance? Wait, scratch that. I'm going to give you exactly what you need—a bunch of TLC and treat you like the child I never had, but always wanted! Now, all we have to do is get out of this ditch. We can't be caught by the cops and get slowed down." She starts the minivan again and slowly drives away from the road to where the minivan isn't tilted and turns around. She drives back onto the road with ease and gets going up to the speed limit again. They continue their drive with several hours left. If they get going now, they should be back at base a couple hours before Spades and the others.

Of course, she would treat him like the child she never had, but always wanted. And she shows this by completely forgetting his position in the back seat.


	24. Intermission

The Dark Agent?

* * *

Back in the city, the floodwater is up twenty feet above ground level. A young wizard has his car drive him through literal water tunnels in the water. What is his name?

Enter Name: VICEROY BUBBLES VON SALAMANDER

No. You are completely wrong. His name is Viceroy Bubbles Von SALAMANCER. Not Salamander, you idiot.

He is also the one who has been denied by Rose on occasion, but acknowledged by Dave on occasion as well. In fact he does exist, and we are following him right now, as implied by us following him and you failing horribly at guessing his name.

Duh.

He was just about to make his way through the city when we began following him thirty seconds ago. His original plan was to play Jegus and drive on water, but what's the fun in that when you can tunnel your way through liquid? This also disguises him from being seen by others stranded in buildings. Why would he want to not be seen? Well, he likes to have small conversations with himself in his rearview mirror while driving. Mainly because the car does the driving and not him due to the majyyks that he possesses. This also means that you are being a creeper. Why? Because you are watching him talk to himself. He has not yet realized your presence yet because he is not a First Guardian.

He is about to receive a phone call. In fact, his phone begins to ring right now. He picks it up.

"What do you want, Dave," he asks, though just by picking up the phone he taps into the psychic energy being released by Dave's mind and knows exactly what's up.

"Well, it seems that we are stranded here with our ride being ransacked by some bogus ass cop trying his hardest to meet an imaginary quota he'll never accomplish."

"Uh huh, and this has to do with me, how?" Viceroy knows exactly, but he likes to keep things simple and have normal conversations rather than just answer all these different questions right away and confusing his vic—client.

"Well, I told Rose that you could get us out of this mess, but she didn't believe me. Well, she didn't believe that you existed. So I told her I would call you and you could tell her."

"So, just the fact that I have taken the time to put my own personal conver—centration on the mirror on hold to talk to you isn't proof enough? Your phone is on speaker, correct?"

"Yes, but … I really have to think things through."

"That is an art made specifically for those who can utilize it. Just by being the Knight of Time doesn't mean that you can. Hell, you can fuck up an entire timeline and resurrect it without thinking anything through. That's usually what causes doomed timelines in the first place, is it not?"

"Well, I guess so?"

"Good. Now, what is the real reason you called?" Viceroy hides some giggles on the inside. He knows that he's screwing with Dave's brain and he enjoys it. He always has. And quite possibly, always will. He can just hear Rose laugh at Dave's confusion on the other end. No, seriously, he can. Their phones are on speaker.

"Well, uh, I'm pretty sure it's just to prove you exist," Dave begins to reply, before being rudely interrupted by Viceroy.

"Cut the shit, Dave. Both you and I know that's a fib."

"Uh, well, uh … I don't really know how to say the truth."

"Please, let Rose talk." Viceroy ain't got time for this shit. He has a conversation with his reflection he needs to continue on with. After five agonizing seconds and unimaginable bickering, Rose starts talking.

"So, if you do exist, which it seems likely that you do at this point, wouldn't you be the same age as Casey," she asks. Way to get to the point of helping John, Rose.

"Dear, that is a topic for later discussion. I don't have time for this. Seriously, I have to concentrate on my tunnel."

"Your … tunnel? I thought you said you were concentrating on the mirror."

"I am, but I am also concentrating on this literal water tunnel that my car is driving through. Seriously, it's like I'm driving through a floo'ed ci'y."

"A what," Dave asks on the other end.

"A floo'ed ci'y," Viceroy says yet again.

"Dude, if you're going to speak, talk normally."

"Dave, you know I can't when I'm frustra'ed."

"Well, calm the fuck down."

"Fine. But you be'er tell me the truth."

"Fine," Rose resumes speaking on the other end. "Lately, our friend John has been going through some … uh …"

"Changes?"

"Yes, changes. Dave insisted that you help us, but I denied it because you don't exist."

"Rose, I can assure you that I do exist. Proven to you by the sound of my voice through this mystical portable telecommunications device. And yes, I can help John, but not alone, and five hundred sixty-seven miles away. I need help, and for him to be right here with me. Is there anything else I can help with?"

"Are you actually magical? Or is this just one of your ruses to gain fame and fortune?" Rose sounds extremely skeptical.

"Rose, I do believe the term Calliope would use is 'majyyks.' And yes, I do. In fact, I have the power of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors."

"Wouldn't that make you omnipo … whatever, because that's what the Horrorterrors are: all-knowing dark motherfucking gods," Dave asks on the other end.

"Number one, the word is omniscient. Omnipotent, the word you were thinking of, means 'everywhere at once,' which is something I clearly am not. Number two: No. I am not omniscient because that only extends into their jurisdiction, a.k.a. the Furthest Ring. Universes are not a part of the Furthest Ring, and therefore, are not a part of their jurisdiction, which means inside universes, I do not have omniscience. I do, however, have their other powers."

"Okay, color me hooked," Rose says. "I do have a friend back at his house near mine that needs immediate help. It would be greatly appreciated if you would go help him for me, considering that I can not get my hands back on my phone, which is inside the minivan … and the cop just picked it up and tossed it away. I hope it isn't broken."

"Rose, there would be nothing I would want to do more than to help you, but taking into consideration the current situation in which I find myself, it would be a lot more work for me to warp these pre-drilled liquid water tunnels into the shape, roughly a horseshoe, to get me going in the direction needed for me to arrive at said friend's house. I can do it, but it will be wasting more of my precious time, in which I have virtually an unlimited amount of, being a wizard … and psychic! But yes, I will help. It will also help me kill some time while waiting for you to retrieve John and bring him to me to help with that dilemma as well. It has been nice speaking with you again, Rose. Until later on." With that, Viceroy hangs up. And as he warps the predrilled tunnels, he dials another number on his phone. The number belongs to his superior.

"All is going according to plan."

* * *

**End Intermission**


	25. Chapter 24

**Author: BlackPanther101, I love your enthusiasm-how you would just love to see an innocent person suffer. Come to think of it, you would make a great prosecutor here in Illinois. **

**If any9ne is triggered 6y that statement, t99 6ad.**

**Well said, Kankri.**

* * *

"Hurry up and hide the fucking phone," Dave whisper-yells as the cop walks toward them from the car. They were strictly ordered to "Leave all electronic devices, human and otherwise in the automatic mobile device. I worded that the way a troll would." Yes, the cop, like the almost-rest of the race, detests trolls. And now there are two in his presence. He needed to come up with some bullshit excuse to get them locked away, and he knows just what. "I think there may be drugs involved," he said into his radio, and then began walking toward the kids … and two trolls. Somehow, he doesn't notice Kanaya struggling to slip her iGrub back into her panties … do trolls even wear panties? Or just boxers like Terezi? The world may never know.

"So, you thought you could smuggle this," the cop asks, holding up a bag of green powder.

"It would be nice if we knew what that is before we give an answer, but no, we weren't smuggling anything." Rose scolds the cop for faking such a crime.

"First of all, it's called soporcaine, and secondly, if you weren't smuggling it, why was it in you minivan?"

"Because you just pulled it out of your pocket and claimed it was." Rose speaks calmly, almost not caring what happens. "The question that must be asked is that if that is such an illegal substance, why do you have it on your person?"

"I confiscated it from your minivan."

"I just watched you pull it out of your pocket, and we have evidence that we were never in any sort of possession of it. Your move." She smirks, knowing the cop can't win.

"Girl, who do you think they're all going to believe more, an officer of the law or a few punks who were caught harboring two trolls and a severely beaten teenager?"

"The people whose fingerprints show up nowhere on that little bag."

"Ha. You're funny. Too bad you'll be going to jail." With that being said the cop walks back over to the minivan to wait for backup.

.

- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling [ ] at ?:? -

GA: Get Us Out Of Here

.

* * *

.

"Casey, have you ever been waterboarded before?" The girl lets out a small, terrified squeak at the way Jane says 'waterboarded' and holds up a small washcloth. She doesn't exactly know what waterboarding is, but based on the look on the elder's face, it isn't very good for one of the two parties.

.

* * *

.

Back over in the general area of the kids' and trolls' … scratch that … most of the trolls' residences, a car pulls itself into the driveway of the Captor/English/Harley household. Completely irritated that he can no longer continue on with the conversation with his own reflection, a young wizard steps out and walks over to the front door and gives it a little knock. He then realizes he forgot to lock his car, and not trusting this particular area, with the house being completely isolated, he snaps his fingers and the car doors lock as the door opens to reveal a heterochromia-eyed troll who doesn't look too enthused at having company. Realizing that he's staring at the weird creature, the wizard speaks up. "I'm here to speak with a … uh, I think his name is Jake English?" The troll gladly lets him in and leaves. Obviously whatever is wrong with Jake is horrible, otherwise the troll may have stayed. Perhaps. Well, the young wizard is about to find out.

He uses psychic enyrjjies to locate the mentally impaired boy in his pre-scratch self's bedroom, digging around, looking for a gun to off himself with.

"If, I am allowed to speak, I must say that the safe is not in here." The sudden voice causes Jake to jump and turn to face the intruder. After a moment of awkward silence, the intruder speaks again. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer, speaker of the language of the Horrorterrors and possessor of the Thorns of Oglogoth. Name courtesy of Rose Lalonde. And you are Jake English. Correct?" The suddenly suicidal boy just nods.

"Good. I will have you informed that I have been sent by Rose herself to calm you down. May I ask what is wrong?" Jake doesn't give an answer. Instead he just runs out of the room and up the stairs. "Did I say you could leave," Viceroy asks, to himself, and waves his hand toward the sofa in the living room. "Sit," he demands as Jake flies ass-first down the steps and onto the sofa. All that could've been seen as he flew by would have been a multi colored streak. Unfortunately, however, Viceroy has yet to master that simple command, as instead of landing on the sofa, Jake crashes into it and tumbles backward with it. Viceroy turns around to scold himself as Jake attempts to pick himself up off the floor. After a few seconds, the wizard walks out and helps him properly onto the sofa and sits down with him.

"Listen to me," Viceroy says comfortingly, or at least as comfortingly as he can manage, "It will all be okay. Your bf just has some trust issues, and when he get's back, he's probably going to be madder than one of your human demons in heaven and is probably going to isolate himself from you. But don't worry, because I will talk to him as well." Jake does nothing. "Now, the reason he's acting this way is because you haven't been able to reply to any of his messages. If you want, I will lend you my phone so you can pester him and explain, though I don't really believe it will work at the moment with him being unconscious. But you can still do it and wait for him to see it, or you could do what he's doing and pester him with hundreds of messages, then damn him when he get's back for not replying. Does that sound like a good idea to you?" The suggestion causes a smile to force its way onto Jake's face. The thought is just so idiotic that it might just work.

"Okay," he says quietly, and Viceroy hands him his phone, unbroken from absolutely no impacts with kitchen floors and whatnot. He signs into his pesterchum account and messages Dirk, knowing damn well that he's unconscious. But he won't tell him that.

.

- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at ?:? -

GT: Strider.

GT: Strider please answer.

GT: Strider!

GT: Dirk pick up the damn phone and answer me!

GT: You know this is doing nothing to help our relationship.

GT: Im still waiting.

GT: …

GT: Damn you Strider! I try my best to make this all work out and this is what you do? You are acting like you dont even care anymore.

GT: Fine be that way! See if i give a rats patootie!

GT: Dont even bother answering now!

- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at ?:? -

After he gets done messaging Dirk, he scrolls up the pesterlog and reads through all the messages that were sent to him. It reminds him about what he did in Sburb, except this time, most of the messages are insulting him for not answering instead of begging for an answer. Viceroy takes his phone back and tells Jake that he's going to delete all of Dirk's messages to him and space out the timing on his own messages to Dirk to make it look like he was messaging Dirk, not the other way around. This makes Jake feel slightly better, and confident that Dirk won't be as mad now. Perhaps, with a little bit of dumb luck, this plan will work.


	26. Chapter 25

**Author: *Author is bored. Author decides to write a new chapter and update at 1:07 AM***

* * *

The ambulance arrives fifteen minutes later to pick Dirk up and take him to the hospital. At least ten more cops show up as well. Meanwhile, unbeknown to everybody there, save the person about to be introduced, a mysterious silhouette stalks its prey. Who would this silhouette be?

Enter Name: -

**Really? You are seriously going to attempt to name this thing even though you don't even know what or who it looks like? Are you that stupid?**

Enter – **No. Just no. Not until you at least see his face.**

En— I SAID NO! Now, as I was saying, a silhouette stalks his prey. There, one step closer to being able to identify this figure. He hides in the trees some twenty yards away from the road. Would he have the misfortune to be alone with no one to warn him of danger? Of course not. He's a sassy Caucasian man who don't need no backup, as proven by him saying that several times while snapping his fingers in that stupid z-motion. And his brother does the same thing with his hands on his hips and swinging them around.

Enter Name: Dirk Strider

**… What? Are you that unobservant? Dirk was knocked unconscious by Roxy a while ago and was just taken away in an ambulance.**

Enter Name:

**No, no more chances for you—not until you learn to become more observant. **

Getting back to the story, the silhouette watches as the cops talk to our protagonists. He also watches as a few cops drag Terezi and Kanaya away. He waits for the perfect moment to strike, possibly sever a head and a torso or two in the process. He decides that in order to perform a good attack he must envision the cops as puppets. God he hates puppets. To this day, he wonders why he allows them around the house … oh, wait … Bro. Yeah, that's why.

Enter Name: Dave Strider

**… What. The fuck? Did I not just get done saying, "No more guesses?" This isn't Dave because, obviously, Dave is down there being questioned by the fuzz. Stop guessing.**

Anyway, he must be doing something wrong because Rose catches a quick glimpse of him as he hops to another branch on another tree ten feet away. She disguises her knowing, but he knows. There is no way that anything could be hidden from him. Especially facial expressions. Seconds pass, then minutes, and Rose begins to wonder what exactly he's doing here with the kids, since he obviously isn't doing anything to help. She spots him again, barely visible against the bark in the dark shadows of a tree. She shoots him a glare that could kill anyone else, but he does nothing to show reaction. Instead he just stares.

Unfortunately, Rose had let her guard down because Dave, Jade, Roxy, and both cops questioning them grab her attention and ask her what she's looking at. She attempts to change the subject, but the cops demand an answer. "I saw a bug," she says. The cops, being dumb as they are, believe her. Dave, Jade, and Roxy, however, know she's lying, but don't call her out on it.

Keeping her guard up, Rose once again looks over to the tree where the silhouette was, only to find that he isn't there anymore. She wonders where he could've gone. When one of the cops asks her a question, she draws her attention to her and begins to answer. As she does this, the silhouette stealthily takes out a few tires on one car behind them. It goes completely unnoticed. Ten seconds later, the silhouette visits another car and opens the back door. He grabs Terezi and closes the door. The sound, however, is heard, and they all look over to the cars to find nothing out of the ordinary. Once everyone gets turned back around, the silhouette hops out from behind the car he just raided and visits another, this time freeing Kanaya. The door once again makes a noise just a little bit too loud for comfort, and everyone once again looks over. "Who keeps doing that," one of the cops shouts. He gets a reply from apparently empty space, but being the idiot that he is, dismisses it as one of his colleagues. Jade and Roxy don't recognize the voice, but Rose and Dave, having a mind and a half combined recognize it immediately. Dave gives a slight smirk and Rose verifies his suspicion with a smirk as well.

"Okay, I think that's enough of the questions. Please come with us," the woman cop says. Everyone follows. When they get to the cars, the man cop goes back to his car to find all his tires deflated and an I.O.U. on the windshield. The I.O.U. reads as follows:

_Front:_

_ I.O.U._

_ Over =_

_Back: _

_ A new set of wheels_

The woman cop finds an I.O.U. on her windshield as well. It reads as follows:

_Front:_

_ I.O.U._

_Over =_

_Back:_

_ A troll_

"What the fuck," she says. She looks over and sees yet another on the next car. She picks it up. It reads as follows:

_Front:_

_ I.O.U._

_Over =_

_Back:_

_ I changed my mind. Two trolls. _

The cop's jaw drops to the ground. She just can't believe what she's reading. "Who did this," she shouts over at the kids.

"We don't fucking know," Dave replies. "How could any of us do it when we were with you the entire time?"

"I don't know, but you must have," the cop spits out at them, just before she falls to the ground, knocked unconscious from behind. Before she even falls the perpetrator is gone. One by one, the kids watch as all the other cops drop in the same manner. A couple minute later, Kanaya and Terezi pop up next to the group. The silhouette finally reveals himself to the group.

"What, you didn't trust us enough to be able to do this alone," Dave asks. The man says nothing to them. "Can you at least tell us where Bro is?"

The man just nods an acknowledgement and disappears back into the trees. "Is that really how I'm going to act around everybody when I'm his age," Dave asks to no one in particular. "I mean, com on! At least DirkBro says at least one word to you!"

"Judging by these I.O.U.s I can only imagine why Sollux wanted to name you 'Insufferable Prick,'" Rose says with an out-of-character giggle.

.

* * *

.

After some time chatting with Jake, Viceroy has finally gotten him to laugh. For the past ten minutes the two have been joking about recent happenings in each other's lives. And then Jake remembers something. "Oh shit," he says.

Even though Viceroy knows the answer through psychic enyrjjies, he still must ask, "What's the matter?"

"We have to get over to John's house," Jake responds, almost slipping into a panic.

"Then what exactly are we waiting for," Viceroy asks as he gets up. He tells Jake that they can take his car because it'll be faster, but by time he gets the words out of his mouth the latter has already left and began running toward the Egbert/Crocker household. "And I'm just standing here, talking to myself like an idiot," Viceroy says to himself when he realizes Jake's absence. Without anymore hesitation, he snaps his fingers and instantly teleports over to the Egbert/Crocker household, where he beats Jake by a solid three minutes. He allows Jake, who is now gasping for breath like a fish out of water, to lead him into the house and the scene of the emergency. When Jake opens the door and he sees the mess in the house, Viceroy snaps his fingers and the house begins cleaning itself _Disney's The Sword in the Stone _style. The wet washcloth that is over Casey's face flies off and begins wiping the counters and the sprayer on the faucet sprays Jane away to allow Casey to escape. She runs past Jake and Viceroy and out the door before Jane gets the opportunity to realize what exactly is happening.

"Oh come on," Jane shouts, "I was having fun going all CIA on her ass in here!"

"Jane, You were waterboarding a ten year old girl, this house is a mess, and Jake here just suffered a psychological meltdown, mostly caused by you not giving him any access to Pesterchum. This situation has spiraled horribly out of control and must be fixed immediately," Viceroy scolds Jane. He then lifts his elbows up off the table for the ex-waterboarding washcloth to wipe it down.

"Oh, shut up salamander boy," Jane tries to insult Viceroy, but fails miserably when the latter laughs at her attempt. "Jake, go get my alter-ego," he says to the psychologically-repaired boy, who nods and heads out the door to chase down the (ex)salamander girl.

.

* * *

.

In the driveway of a pitch-black building, a pure-white minivan comes to a screeching halt. **Don't even guess who it is because I am telling you right now that it is only Ms. Paint and John.**

Enter Name: Stinkbreath Bilerrhea

Enter Name: Diarrhea Chachacha

**What. The. Fuck. You just had to "name" someone today didn't you?! Really?! What would your mother think?!**

Anyway, John never did move from his position in the backseat, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it was. He obviously wants Ms. Paint to feel bad for what she unintentionally did, though it was technically his fault.

And somehow his horns are unbroken. When Ms. Paint. Gets him inside, she has John lie down on an extremely comfortable memory foam bed. She leaves and returns with a sharp dagger. "Sorry, it's the only sharp thing Spades will allow," she says. With that being said, she begins cutting off the bandages around John's horns. She can't believe their shape. It's just so unnatural for troll horns to shape like that, well, at least for one horn to shape like it is, anyway. The right horn goes up about three inches and splits off into two curved spokes. The left spoke is short and fishhook-like, while the other curved spoke goes up about six more inches and splits off into two more slightly curved spokes. The horn in its entirety takes on the form of a "J" on a pedestal. The left horn is nine inches tall and curved outward, with a small conical spoke protruding every three inches, forming a curved "E". The symbol on his chest takes on the appearance of a "J" and an "E" combined, forming his initials. It mesmerizes Paint, who doesn't realize it until John tries to grab her attention away from his chest.

"Are you some sort of creeper or what," John asks, genuinely creeped out.

"Huh, what," Ms. Paint, herself, is confused. "Oh." She takes the bandages and throws them away. When she comes back she tells John that she'll be right back with a bowl of licorice scotty dog soup—Spades's favorite. "I trust you will enjoy it as much as he does." She exits the room and enters the kitchen with a smile on her face. She makes a mental note to have Diamonds clean the genetic material out of her minivan when he gets back. Oh, he's going to enjoy that.

* * *

**Author: Technically you were right in naming the silhouette "Dave Strider".**


	27. Chapter 26

**Author: I think that if I were to make an animation for the flashback in this chapter, I would put it to the song "A Building Panic," from Titanic.**

* * *

Okay, perhaps she won't be right back with that soup.

She would have, had the stove not caught on fire. Apparently, and this has happened never before, but apparently putting even one extra licorice Scotty dog in the pot doesn't mix so well with the recipe. Really. When it says "one hundred Scotty dogs," it means one hundred. Not one hundred one or higher, but one hundred. Who knew? Apparently not Ms. Paint. She wanted to make it special for John, so she put one extra in and the excess sugar just blew up. Literally. The pot was a miniature, misshapen volcano. It was exciting, but not in a good way.

John heard the sugar explosion and thought nothing of it. Now, he's in the kitchen helping Ms. Paint put out a bunch of small fires-after he is unbound, of course.

But the pot must also be recognized.

As Ms. Paint gets up to get more flour to put out the fire in the pot, John walks over and physics decides that it's a good idea for him to slip on a wet spot on the floor.

He feels otherwise.

Especially since he knocks the pot off the stove, spilling flaming licorice scotty dog soup all over his front. Ms. Paint dumps the remaining flour on him to put out his troll flesh, drags him into the bathroom, forces him to stand in the shower, and turns on the cold water to soothe his burns. This leaves him wondering what he ever did to deserve this.

Wait: Sburb, trolls, Karkat, matespritship, sexy times, _hot_ sexy times, bitten, weretroll ... yeah ... that's probably it. But that still doesn't explain why he deserved it.

According to Dad: He was associating with trolls. He deserves it even more if he was, dare I say, copulating with them.

According to everyone else: Who gives a fuck? This isn't good no matter what way it's looked at.

Godheads: He deserves it just for existing.

John's godhead: THIS WASN'T PART OF THE FUCKING PLAN!

Karkat's godhead: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I guess we'll never know.

When Ms. Paint returns to the kitchen to clean up the rest of the mess, she notices an emergency news broadcast.

"The mysterious 'blood storm' that erupted over Lolar City yesterday has finally began taking lives. Just a few minutes ago, a window busted in a classroom in the high school. The school has begun to flood from the top floor. Five students have already been reported dead from shattered glass and drowning." The news anchor's tone is grave. This new planet is prone to weird weather, but water as red as blood and storms of this type just popping up out of nowhere isn't included on that list. The news anchor continues. "The National Weather Service advises people in neighboring areas to board up their houses and evacuate in the event that the storm expands."

.

* * *

**.**

_**In the science hallway of the high school, a teacher keeps his class calm. Water is quickly rising up above the window. He looks out and wonders how much longer this storm is going to last. He sighs. all the teachers were ordered to keep their students in their rooms. They don't want the hallways to be crowded in case a rescue crew arrives. His class hasn't been much trouble. The students have been talking among themselves with no problems. Other classrooms, he's heard, have students having anxiety attacks. For some reason, the administration also wanted all teachers to keep their doors locked. He thinks this may be to keep the students from crowding the halls. This order, however, would lead to the demise of five within the next few minutes. **_

_**Suddenly, the students stop talking and the room falls silent. A creaking sound fills the room. "What's that," one of the students asks, just before both windows shatter, allowing blood-red water to pour into the room. One student is severely cut from broken glass grazing past his exposed leg. He thinks he probably should have worn jeans instead of shorts. Unfortunately the blood blends in with the water, being the same color, and no one knows just how badly he's cut since the water has risen so much. Another student who comes to help him gets knocked off his feet by the force of the water rushing in through the window. **_

_**Next to them, the teacher searches for his keys after they were swept off his desk from the water. The water gets too high and finding them becomes almost impossible before they drown. He tells all of the students by the door to scream and pound on it while he helps the other students get up out of the water. three more students have fallen trying to help and have been unable to get up with water flowing in. **_

_**In the class next door, the students and teacher hear the commotion next to them. the teacher unlocks his door and steps into the hallway to see what's wrong. As soon as he sees the panicking students, he runs back into his class and grabs his other key ring off his desk. He runs back to the door and goes through key after key looking for the right one. when he finally finds it and unlocks the door, water has flooded over half way up the classroom. As soon as he turns the handle, water forces the door open and wipes him out, sending him halfway down the hall before he stops. water forces chairs and other things out the class. Teachers from around the hall rush to figure out a way to get the door closed. One of the custodians who was in the hall brings out ropes that they tie to the outside door handle, all the while the first teacher counts to make sure all of his students are there. They are, but a few aren't responding. He calls up the school nurse as the other teachers and some students pull on the ropes and push on the door to get it closed. The higher the water gets behind the narrowing exit, the more force it has on the door, trying to open it. Somehow they are able to get it closed, but when they turn around, they find that five of their friends are lying on the floor, four undergoing CPR and one being hooked to a portable defibrillator. **_

_**Down in the English hallway, a teacher, known as Mr. Duncan, receives a call on his cell phone to evacuate his class. He is told that the room above them is flooding with water, and he comes to the conclusion that that would be the reason some of his students are being hit with droplets. He gets all of his students out of the room and gets the door closed just before the floor and ceiling above it collapses, releasing all the water flooding in the room above, and ripping the door of his own room off its hinges from the sheer force of the impact. He tells all of his students to run to a high part of the school where there isn't any water, just before he is told by a teacher who comes down the stairs that five students have died-the cause of death being drowning.**_

_**.**_

* * *

.

"Please, I just want to know how much this costs so I can pay." Kankri has been standing at the cash register of the gas station for ten minutes trying to pay, but the clerk is too afraid to speak, as is everyone else in the building. "You know, this is really starting to trigger me. I just want to pay for these damn [#language] coffees and get back to what I was doing, which was trying to comfort my ailing dancestor. So please, just 'shoot' me a price, but not with a gun, because I've already been through that enough." The clerk slowly moves toward the register and hits a few buttons. The price pops up as $3.01. She jumps back quickly to avoid his wrath for such a large price.

Much to her surprise, however, Kankri digs through his wallet. "Damn [#language] it, I think I left all of my human money back in the void. Will you accept troll dollars? I do believe they are worth nearly the same as your currency." The clerk nods, not wanting any trouble. Kankri sees this and starts doing the math in his head. _Let's see: 1 trollian penny equals 1.1 human pennies, so that would make $1 worth $1.10, $2 worth $2.20, and $3 worth $3.30. Adding on the extra penny would give me 1.1 more, so rounding down I would get $3.31. Okay. _"Here you go," he says while setting $3.31 in trollian money on the counter and walks off with his coffees. Shortly after he leaves, the clerk puts in her two weeks notice and vows to never work at another gas station again.

By time Kankri gets back to the old motel, Cronus has gotten Karkat to get dressed and at least sit up. When he walks in the room, he gives Cronus and Karkat each a coffee and sits down with them at the small table with his own.

"I tried to get some info out of him," Cronus whispers into Kankri's ear. The latter nods and sips his coffee. Karkat sits next to him, just holding his cup and staring into nothingness, which would be taken literally if they were still in the Furthest Ring. "The poor thing is just barely holding on by a thread," Kankri whispers back to Cronus.

"Yeah, he's taking it pretty hard. I've gotten him to say one thing, and that was that the split happened barely two days ago."

Keep in mind that the two are still whispering so Karkat can't hear. "He must've had extremely red feelings toward this human."

"If I didn't know any better, I would say that they rival those between yours and Meulin's post-scratch incarnations."

"Cronus, you know that talking about that sickens me."

"Well it's true." Cronus turns to Karkat. "Aren't you going to drink your coffee?"

"I don't know." Karkat's tone is hollow, and it seems that he's barely even in any level of consciousness. He doesn't even look up at the other two trolls. Instead he just keeps staring into non-literal nothingness.

John is obviously taking this better. That, or it's just that being burned by flaming soup is too distracting. Perhaps Kankri and Cronus need to distract him. And though they know nothing of what is happening to John, they know that this must be done, and Cronus thinks he knows exactly what to do.

* * *

**Bequerius: On a much happier note, the author, being unable to do this for some reason, wished for me to say "iPhone 5, bitches," for him, and thus, I shall. iPhone 5, bitches! He never specified whether it was an exclamation or not, but judging by the way he said it, I am guessing, by that I do mean that I know, that it is. Thus the exclamation point-**

**Author: Yeah, they don't need to know why that thing is there. I just wanted you to say it, not explain it. **


	28. Chapter 27

**Author: I had something awesome and fun planned for Cronus and the Vantas twins to do as a distraction, but with me being the idiot I am and not writing it all down as soon as I finished the last chapter, I completely forgot what it was, so enjoy this installment of filler while I go and attempt to remember this crap.**

* * *

"Karkat, in order for us to help you, you must help us. We need to know what exactly is up between you and this 'John' human." Cronus is straight forward with Karkat. He figures that it's best, rather than hiding his true intentions.

"What?" Karkat looks up at the purple-blooded troll. "What are you talking about?" His face shows confusion.

"What Cronus is trying to say is that you need to tell us what happened during this 'separation' in order for us to help you get over it," Kankri says. Before Karkat can talk again, he catches a glint out of the bottom of his eye and looks down at his hand. "When did I get this?"

Cronus looks at Kankri's right ring finger, which now holds a perfectly round, gold ring. He tries to think of where Kankri could possibly have gotten it, but is able to think of nothing because Kankri despises jewelry. Apparently jewelry can be triggering by way of someone showing off their wealth while other people are poor. Yeah, just stupid stuff like that. All the while Kankri just stares at his finger, trying to figure out where the frick he could possibly have gotten it.

Meanwhile, up in the clouds, two new godheads have entered the universe. Who might these godheads be?

Enter Name:

**No, you are banned from naming things. I am blocking you. **Anyway, these two godheads would be the Seer of Blood and the Bard of Hope. In short, those of Kankri and Cronus respectively. They meet just outside the Heirs mansion, which is in the process of collapsing.

"Cronus, you go do whatever. I'll go break up this civil war between my dancestor and his undeserving matesprit."

"Alright," the Bard agrees. Upon entering the universe, the two godheads separated from their mortal selves, but not for the same reason as the others. Instead, they split in order to multitask. And that's what they plan on doing. It is also here where we begin to follow Cronus, but not entirely, as we skip ahead of him and go down to the flooding high school.

Here, everyone is gathered in the main gym because the entire school is \rapidly depressurizing, causing more windows to break and more water to flood faster.

Suddenly, the water around the school moves outward in a maelstrom. The maelstrom grows and grows until it is almost a half of a mile wide. The doors of the school open, releasing the blood-red water from within. In ten minutes, the people trapped inside notice the lowered levels and walk out. The step onto dry land and watch the water swirl violently around them. The air, however, is mysteriously calm. With little warning, the Bitch Witch and Page of Hope appear before the students and faculty. The first question asked is addressed to the Page, and comes from a friend of Jake. "You look like one of my friends." Of course, the mood just has to be ruined by someone who recognizes them.

"Truth be known, my mortal self probably is. This would also mean that Jade, here, looks familiar as well." The Page's tone is soft and caring. It gives off a hint of an Australian accent, which the students recognize immediately.

"You're Jake," one of them says.

"Really, it's more like Jake is me," the Page responds. He hides the disgust in his voice when he says the name. It is at this point where Mr. Hussie has had enough. He's seen three gods already. He needs to know why they split apart. So he asks.

"So, why exactly did you split from your mortal selves." Okay, it's more of a demand than anything, but he didn't have the opportunity to ask the first. He's eager, so sue him.

"Well, it's hard to explain, but the short version is that they treated us like shit. Jade, here, was used for evil. She went grimbark and pretty much scared the living shit out of me. Right after she saved me and Jane, too.

"Jane's was also used for evil. She was forced to force Roxy into creating this … this matriorb, or whatever that thing was called. It was horrible. Pretty much, we were all treated like shit and we were tired of it, so we separated from our mortal selves and have been forcing them to live without our help. This does not mean, however, that their innocent friends will go without it. So we came to help." The Page smiles at everyone, who backs away in horror as a gray, horned creature garbed in a similar outfit joins the two gods.

"What's wrong," the Page asks, just before he is rudely interrupted.

"I see how it is. You all hold a water-tornado party and don't even invite the seadweller. That really hurts. It really does. Right here in the vascular pump." The new godhead points at his chest.

"Oh shit. Not this guy again," the Bitch Witch says.

"That doesn't look like any of the gods that I know of," Mr. Hussie says.

"That's because he doesn't even belong here. HE BELONGS BACK IN THE FUCKING VOID!" The Page shouts so that Cronus can hear him.

"Oh, come on, man. I was just out and about and wanted to have a little bit of fun."

"So you're the one who is doing all this?!" The superintendent looks like his head could explode from anger.

"No, I can't. Yes, it holds true that I am a seadwelling troll, but I have no power over water. Only hope. Now, if I could just stand here …" Cronus walks over and rests his elbow on the Page's shoulder. The Page gets a frown on his face, showing his disapproval.

"So, is this one evil," Mr. Hussie asks one of the other two godheads.

"No, just desperate," the Page responds, before Cronus whispers something in his ear.

"So, is this a pantsless party or should I leave mine on?" Cronus' voice is quiet, only so that the Page can hear him. The page, mortified by this question, slips out from under Cronus' arm.

"Jade, I think you should deal with the desperate Bard!"

"What the fuck is your problem," the Bitch Witch asks.

"Just … nothing. Just deal with him yourself."

While the three gods go at it, the situation for everyone else has turned into a "What the fuck am I watching" type thing. It has become awkward for both parties—The mortals and the gods.

.

"OH HELL NO!" Someone's loud, obnoxious shouting has rudely interrupted Meenah's shower. Yes, she does take showers on special occasions. Seconds later, she hears another shout, "OH FUCK NO!"

Okay, that's it, no more shower. She steps out, dries off, puts on her nicest outfit (yes, she also cares about this stuff on special occasions as well) and matching heels (again, yes on special occasions), and walks out to the source of the rude shouting. There, next to the ring case, the Serket twins are about to blow an earth "gasket". "What the fuck is goin' on here," she asks angrily. The spider 8itches ruined her shower, so she isn't happy. And she shows it.

"Someone stole the damn ring!" Vriska answers just as angrily.

"They did WHAT now?!"

"Yeah! They stole the fucking ring and it isn't here anymore!" Meenah pushes her way past the other two and looks in the ring case. She looks in, around, on, below, everywhere she can look, but finds nothing. This was supposed to be HER special day, and now it's completely fricking ruined. "When I find out who did this I'll fork 'em until they wish they were double fucking dead!"

* * *

Checking back in with John, who is currently freezing his literally hot ass off in the coldest fucking shower of his life, we see that not much has changed. He's actually beginning to enjoy it, now that his massive body burn is somewhat soothed. But alas, it was never fated to last, as he is allowed five more minutes, and Ms. Paint comes in to retrieve him and put him on bed rest with a crap ton of burn cream. Minutes later, Spades and the other members of the Midnight Crew, save Diamonds and Hearts, walk in. This is, of course, after Ms. Paint has John covered in burn cream and bandaged up. As Spades walks past his room, he catches a glimpse of something in his bed out of the corner of his eye. He stops just after he passes and backs up enough to see. With an annoyed face he confronts Paint in the kitchen, where she is currently making the scotty dog soup CORRECTLY.

"Why is the troll in my bed?"

"Because yours is the comfiest." Ms. Paint gives spades a wide smile as she stirs the soup in the new pot.

"Yeah, that's why it's in _my_ room and not the _guest_ room."

"You're just mad because he's an innocent little thing who just so happened to be in the wrong place a the wrong time and now he needs to use your bed."

"Seriously, what the fuck happened to him? He was all bandaged up and shit." Spades was never able to hide his irritation, and he isn't about to start now.

"Something went wrong with the soup and he kind of got burned." Ms. Paint gives a shy smile.

"All over?!"

"Horribly wrong." The smile disappears. Spades will never admit it, but he can never win an argument with Ms. Paint. It's like the two are married. One is always in control and the other is Spades. He knows that she is determined to have this troll use his bed and there's no getting it back until the damn thing leaves. There goes however many days of comfortable sleep. Who knows, he may even get some good night's anything-but-sleep out of this.

"Fine, but only for now." With that the black carapacian leaves and moves his stuff into Cans's room, because for some reason, the behemoth thinks he needs the second comfiest bed in the place. This causes a chain reaction where everyone moves into the room with the next comfiest bed until clubs gets the guest room, which has the least comfiest bed in the entire building.

When the soup is finished, Ms. Paint puts it on low head and makes two origami scotty dogs, rather than the one she makes for spades, and puts some soup into a bowl and takes it to John. On her way back to Spades's room, she comes across him, who seems to have yet another problem—the extra scotty dog.

"What the fuck is that?!" Spades can't help but raise his voice at this anarchy.

"What?" Ms. Paint sounds innocent as she holds the seemingly innocent tray.

"This," Spades spits as he picks up one of the origami scotty dogs.

"It looks like an origami scotty dog," Ms. Paint says.

"I can see that. What I want to know is why the fuck there are two! You only give me one whenever you make me some, yet give him two when he's only been here a few hours!" Spades throws the paper scotty dog back onto the tray where it almost lands in the soup.

"He is a very important guest. I was going to make him soup with an extra licorice scotty dog in it but it blew up!"

"So you burn him and give him an extra origami scotty dog as a consolation?"

"No … he accidentally knocked the flaming pot off the stove when he fell. I'm giving him the extra scotty dog because I couldn't put it in the soup. It has to be extra special in some way. Now fix the origami scotty dog and get out of my way!" Spades really has no choice but to oblige, and oblige he does, but begrudgingly. Once Paint gets her mind set on something, she never gives up on it. This is going to be a long however long it's going to take before this damn troll leaves, and Spades knows it.

* * *

Let's head back over to the trio to trolls that we were originally following at the beginning of this chapter. Kankri has long since taken off the ring and given it to Karkat to cheer him up. Karkat put it on, but it didn't seem to do anything for him, though Kankri's sudden amnesia did give him a chuckle. But now, it's back to seriousness. And no, it wasn't long ago since we last saw them. In fact, it's only been about thirty seconds. You have to keep in mind that everything we see happens near simultaneously.

Anyway, Kankri and Cronus have attempted to get Karkat to talk, and he seems to be more willing than earlier. "So, Karkat, back to vwhat wve vwere asking earlier before Kankri's episode, vwhat caused this split?" Cronus is actually, for once, not trying to hit on anybody, unlike his godhead over at the high school.

"Well, John's dad found out I am a troll, and for some dumb reason he thinks that all trolls are Lord English's servant's, well, those aren't his exact words, but it's implied, and he kicked me out. I was barely even able to say goodbye." Red droplets begin to form in his eyes as he talks.

"I'm sure John is just as miserable as you," Kankri says, trying to be comforting, but apparently not successfully.

"That was the plan."

"What," Cronus and Kankri say in unison. "What's the plan," Kankri continues alone.

"To … make John as miserable as possible …" Karkat tries to shrink away from the two other trolls, who now look like they want to hurt the ailing cancer.

"Karkat, why would you want to make your matesprit miserable? Don't you want him to be happy?" Kankri can't believe what he's hearing out of his dancestor's mouth.

"Well, he can't know about it, otherwise it would ruin the plan." Karkat tries to defend himself, but he can't get the words out.

"And howv, exactly, is this plan supposed to play out," Cronus asks.

"Well, I don't contact John at all, and I wait until he becomes so miserable that his dad realizes the horrendous mistake he made and invites me back in." Karkat has his head down. He can't even look at either of the other two.

"Karkat, no matter howv vwell you plan this stuff out, the other must knowv about it, othervwise you're just setting your matespritship up for inevwitable failure. Just think about howv he vwould react if you accidentally let it slip that you vwanted him to be miserable just so that you could come back? Just the fact that you vwanted him to be miserable wvould probably be enough to make him leavwe." Cronus allows for this to sink into Karkat's think pan.

**.**

Outside the motel, Bro, a.k.a. Adult Dirk, stalks his victim. However, this victim is only one, unlike the several his somewhat younger-yet-same-age bro was stalking. His victim is Karkat, and his goal is captivity of the depressed creature. He currently isn't one hundred percent sure that Karkat is in the motel, but judging by the car and the license plate, he's assuming he is.

Before he can do anything else, he turns around and holds his katana up against the chest of another stalker, this one being Adult Dave, who is holding his katana at Adult Dirk's neck. "Never attempt to sneak up on me, ever," Adult Dirk says quietly.

"I was just going to walk right on up beside you whether you knew about it or not," Adult Dave says just as quietly. Neither Strider lowers their sword for a few seconds until they're sure the other isn't going to start a strife. But that would be completely insane considering that they're on a mission. Adult Dirk walks toward the car. "I've been watching this motel now for about a day," he says normally. "So far I've seen two troll walk up to it … well, one walk up to it while pushing the other in a wheelchair. They went it that room right there," he points to the door of the room that houses the trolls. "So far I've seen one come out for a while. H returned about thirty minutes later with a few cups that I'm assuming were full of coffee. That was only about twenty minutes ago." He stops at the car. "I think that Karkat is here. This looks like his car and it looks like his stuff in it."

Hearing the voices outside, Kankri lifts the curtain to see who it is, or what it is. Upon seeing the people, Karkat orders Kankri to drop the curtain and hides.

"Hey, did you see that," Adult Dave asks Bro.

"See what?"

"That curtain just moved. It literally just lifted itself up, stayed there for like, two seconds, and dropped."

Adult Dirk rolls his eyes behind his stupid anime shades. "Oh yeah, I saw that with they eyes in the back of my fucking skull. Of course I didn't see that, idiot. My back is turned to the damn building."

"Karkat, who is that and why are you so afraid of them?" Kankri can't help but think this is all suspicious.

"Those are the adult Striders. Dave probably sent them after me for making his best bro so miserable. They can't know I'm here. Otherwise they'll probably take me out somewhere and cull me." Karkat covers himself in blankets on his moldy mattress. When he's finished, the only sign of something alive being there is only a little bit of movement from his breathing.

"Bro, really you have to believe me," Adult Dave pleads.

"I never said that I don't. Like I said, there are at least two trolls in there. They were probably looking out at us to make sure we weren't up to no good."

"But we aren't."

"And we need to let them know that if we want to search the place for Karkat." Adult Dirk walks over to the window, raises his shades, and looks in, squinting to try to look through the glass, which has a massive glare due to the position of the planet's parent star. His shadow shows through the curtain and becomes visible in the dust suspended in the air. "These curtains must be too thick to see through. I can't see a thing," he says. His voice comes through slightly muffled from inside the motel room where the three trolls sit and wait. Without warning, Adult Dave knocks on the door, startling the only four other living beings within half a mile.

* * *

Inside the Heir's mansion, the Seer of Blood walks through seemingly endless devastation, following the rather loud noises to find his destination. In a large open area, Poopsmell Ruinseverything and Whoreface Asswipe are still engaged in the extremely violent Word War II that they were engaged in six chapters ago. But now, the Word War has mostly ceased and now it's mostly violence. When the Seer walks in, Poopsmell is trying to drill a hole into Whoreface, who is using his blood powers to control Poopsmell, and thus control the flow of the air drill. The Seer, upon seeing this, flips his shit and uses his Blood powers to completely separate the two warring parties. When the two godheads, now being forcefully held against the walls on opposite ends of the devastated room, look over, the Seer of Blood is staring back with eyes as black as the void.


	29. Chapter 28

**Author: I do realize that Karkat has yet to turn into a human. But don't fret, because I'm waiting for the right time. And by that I mean that I'm trying to think of a good, possibly awkward time for it to happen. It will happen, just not in this chapter. Possibly in the next one or two or three.**

** .**

* * *

"Aranea, where is the fucking portal?!" Meenah is out for the blood of whoever stole the ring. This, as mentioned before, _was_ HER special day, and shell be damned if she lets some grabby fingers ruin it. **Haha, get it? Shell, instead of she'll? What am I doing with my life?**

Meenah, it's dangerous to go into a universe as a ghost!" Aranea pleads to her moirail to stay, but knowing Meenah, she won't listen. "Why do you think we set up that rule?!"

"I don't care! I'm going in an' getting' mah ring!" Meenah storms off toward wherever she suspects the portal to be. She thinks she knows who stole it. All she has to do is listen to the odd silence that fills these dream bubbles. It's definitely either Ampora or the Insufferable. She's going with the former.

She passes Rufioh and presses a button, which makes a portal appear out of thin air. Rufioh gives a nervous smile and asks where she's going in such a hurry.

"I'm goin' to fork whoever stole the ring!" Yeah, Meenah is definitely on her troll period and shouldn't be messed with. She almost steps through the portal when she realizes something. "Where's mah fork?!" She turns around and sees Damara holding it rather seductively. Meenah stomps over and grabs it, giving the other a look that could kill, if she wasn't already dead.

"セックスは私までグ-を—" Damara begins, before she is rudely interrupted by an angry Meenah.

"Make like sardines and can it!" Yeah, Meenah doesn't need any of Damara's shit right now. She has a fish to fork.

Meanwhile, back at the school, the three gods are still awkwardly arguing. And the innocent people are still awkwardly watching. "I'm not doing anything until you tell me what he said," the Bitch Witch says.

"Help me and I'll tell you what he said," the Page pleads.

"Was he trying to hit on you?"

"Yes! And it made me rather uncomfortable. Now, as your … what, exactly, am I to you in relation?"

"Biological father."

"Okay, Jade, as your biological father, I command you to do something about this situation." The Page feels as though he just won.

"Well, Jake, as your adoptive grandmother, I command you to tell me what he said to you first!" Okay, perhaps not. This, of course, confuses everyone. How can the Witch be both the Pages biological daughter and is adoptive grandmother? Especially since they're both the same age. None of this is making sense.

There's also the 2x3dent flying toward Cronus. Fortunately for the fish-troll, a student points out the odd thing and he has barely enough time to dodge the projectile before it lands among the mortals, fortunately hurting none of them. Seconds later, another seadweller is among the crowd, and she looks like she could eat everyone alive. "Cronus, where's mah fuckin' ring?!"

"Vwhat ring," the Bard asks nervously, obviously knowing what she's talking about.

"Meenah, what are you doing here? I thought ghosts couldn't come into universes," the Bitch Witch shouts.

"We can, it just isn't good for us." Meenah, is relatively calm, or at least presents herself to be. "Therefore, in order for me to not go all apeshit on anyone, and possibly harm myself, I must kindly ask Cronus to give me the effin' ring."

"What ring are you talking about," the Witch asks.

"The ring that belongs on my finger," Meenah says, slightly annoyed. Seriously, that's just a big, fat duh. "I know he took it because no matter what he says, he can't keep his slimy hagfish fingers off of any sort of jewelry. Now, please give me the ring before I have to go all god tier on you," she says turning to Cronus.

"I don't have it. Last I checked, Kankri does." Cronus has no idea what she means by "go god tier on you," but it doesn't sound good, so yeah, he ain't taking any chances.

Meenah develops a look on her face that can only be described as 'What the fuck?!' "Is that seriously the best excuse you can come up with? That idiot doesn't even like jewelry."

"We had business to do here and we knew it wasn't safe for ghosts to enter universes, so we borrowed it. He was unsure at first, but after I did it with no harm done he decided to do it too. I have no idea where it is at the moment. Probably still with him." Cronus tries to be calm.

Meenah picks up her fork and walks over to Cronus. "And where is Kankri?"

"Up in the clouds somewhere." Cronus gives a small grin and puts his cigarette in his mouth. Thief of life powers: Activate. Meenah takes her claw and scrapes it quickly across the concrete sidewalk. As soon as it lights into a small flame she puts it against the cigarette and lights it. She then blows her claw out and leaves, leaving Cronus to spit out his cigarette and stomp it out on the ground. "Great, now I'll have to find a new cigarette," he says annoyed.

* * *

"I am so ashamed of you, Karkat," the Seer says as he walks to the center of the room. "You are a disgrace to this blood caste [#class oppression]. Do you know nothing of your 'heritage'?" He hopes he's using the word "heritage" right. If not, he risks triggering John, and, well, that really is undesira—no. He needs to get these thoughts out of his head right now. He doesn't give a frig if John is triggered or not because he's here to break up a fight.

"How are you even doing this?! You're a fucking seer," Whoreface shouts from his position on the eastern wall of the room.

"I'm a player of blood. I can."

"Then I should be able to too!" Whoreface attempts to do the same to Kankri what Kankri's doing to him, but is unable to for some odd reason. "Why isn't it working?!"

"Karkat, I am a more powerful and more experienced god than you. You can't escape." Kankri looks at the other with a maniacal grin. The void in his eyes show his anger, especially now that they've burst into flames. This scares the crap out of Karkat and he tries to shrink into the wall. Poopsmell, however, isn't believing this and laughs at Kankri, who then turns his gaze over to himself. Poopsmell can feel the flames in the Seer's eyes burning through his immortal body. And before he can do anything, Kankri is in his face. Flames staring into blue. He lets Whoreface down as he concentrates completely on the Heir. He bares his razor-sharp teeth at the Heir, who cringes in newfound fear. The teeth threaten to sever the jugular vein of the human god before the owner is tackled to the ground by an angry Knight. "Don't fucking touch my matesprit," The Knight shouts as he rips the Seer garb almost to threads before he notices the maniacal smile back on the Seer's face.

"My work here is done," the Seer says before he crawls out from underneath the Knight of the same aspect.

* * *

Adult Dirk glares at Adult Dave, who, and he will not admit this, startled the literal jizz out of him when he knocked on the door. Now he has wet underwear and an annoying somewhat-twin-yet-younger-adopted-bro-son to deal with. "What," Adult Dave asks when he notices the other glaring.

"We're trying to be ninjas, not kindly neighbors." Bro can't freaking believe Dave right now. But no matter how hard he tries, he can't get his mind off of the mess in his pants. He really hopes none of his bros find out about this. Otherwise they are never going to let him live this down.

"Hey, you're the one who said that we need to let them know that we aren't up to no good." Adult Dave makes his point clear and knocks on the door again. "Hello," he calls through the door as gently as he can manage. "We don't want any trouble. We just want to talk."

"Don't. Open. The door," Karkat whispers from under the covers.

"Why not," Kankri asks. "He seems nice."

Outside, Bro and Other Bro can hear the muffled conversation between the trolls. "Should we play Good Cop, Bad Cop," Other Bro asks.

"I will if I can be bad cop," Bro responds.

"Oh come on," Other Bro starts. "You couldn't play bad cop to save your own shitty sword. You are good cop."

"And what makes you say that," Bro asks as he joins Other Bro next to the door.

"The fact that you never murdered a juggalo double-presidency and fought an evil troll empress who owns a baking empire."

"But you lost that battle with the Batterwitch." Bro raises his eyebrows to show he has the upper hand.

"But you never fought her. Besides, she was immortal anyway. There was no possible way for me to win." Other Bro smiles and claims the part of bad cop.

"I'm just saying that the Striders might think that I just walked out on John and now might be wanting to kill me for it." Karkat tries to keep his voice as quiet as possible while still letting Kankri and Cronus hear.

"Karkat, you're being paranoid. Now, they seem nice enough, and you know them, and we're here to stop them if anything happens, so just calm down while I let them in, okay?" Kankri tries to be comforting.

"No!"

"Yeah, Karkat's definitely in there," Both Bros say in unison when they hear the irritated shout. There's no denying it. You just can't beat the Strider Bros. Nope. Never.

Never say never, right? Wrong.

Bro leans his face toward the door. "Karkat, come on out. We came here to take you back." For once, Bro is actually being honest.

"See, Karkat," Cronus says, "They aren't going to do anything."

"Yeah, well that's Dirk. He's a compulsive liar."

"Kk, shut it and open the door," Adult Dave shouts through. "Believe it or not, he's actually being truthful this time. We aren't going to do anything but take you home."

"Where's John," Karkat shouts from the other side. He ain't coming out unless John is there to control everything.

"We don't know, but Dave and the others are out hunting him down. We think he was kidnapped, or, well, trollnapped, I guess, and they went to get him back."

"So you aren't going to kill me?"

"We weren't sent by John's father, we were sent by Dave because he wanted his best bro to be happy when he got back. Although I don't see how John can be his best bro when I am literally an older version of him …"

"But you aren't interested in killing me?!"

"Well, you haven't done anything to us, so I don't really see any reason to."

"That's good enough reason for me to open the door," Kankri says, but Karkat is still nervous about it. He walks over to the door as Cronus lifts Karkat out of the bed. When Kankri opens the door, he is met with a Katana in his face. "Well, this is quite triggering …"

"Oh god, please, put the shitty swvord avway before you get him going," Cronus says.

"What," Dirk, who is the one holding up the sword, asks. "Why would I do that?"

"Because we aren't here to slice people up," Adult Dave responds.

"Well, I vwasn't meaning that, but that vworks too, I guess." Cronus drags a reluctant Karkat to the door where he's handed off to Other Bro. The humans and troll begin their journey back to the houses. Luckily they don't have very far to go before they come to the anime car that they hid in order to be more ninja-like. It comes complete with windows to match Bro's shades. How it's even legal is anyone's guess with that planet's strict laws.

The three creatures get in, but when Bro turns the key, he can't get his hand to turn it over completely and he fails to start the car. "Why isn't it starting," Adult Dave asks.

"I don't fucking know. It's like my hand doesn't want to turn all the way." Bro is just as confused, if not more, by this.

"Cronus, do you think that perhaps we should go with them," Kankri asks seconds after the other three leave.

"I don't knowv. Vwe could or vwe could just do our owvn thing for once," Cronus says as he lays himself down on the old, moldy mattress on the floor. "I need another cigarette … wait, why did I just say that?"

"I don't know, but something tells me that we should go with them." Suddenly Kankri's clothes turn into torn up Seer garb as his godhead merges back with his mortal body.

"I assume our job is complete," Cronus says, wide-eyed at the scene before him.

"Yeah, but what about you? You still look normal."

"Eh, you knowv me. I'm probably somewvhere up to no good. I say we just do what you vwant." Cronus gives a small smile.

"We're going," Kankri says before we catch up to the Striders, who are still trying to start the car. Without warning, two new members open the doors and climb in. when the doors shut, Dirk is suddenly able to turn his wrist the entire way and start the car.

"I hope I didn't trigger you by restricting your movements." Kankri gives a shy smile that Bro can see in the rear view mirror.

"Kankri, please shut up about triggers," Cronus says, annoyed. "No one cares."

"I care."

"Like he said," Adult Dave pipes up, "no one." That, of course, causes Kankri to rant the entire half-hour drive back to the Strider/Pyrope household. Just before they pull in the driveway, Karkat complains of an odd burning sensation around his face, chest, stomach, arms, and thighs. "You aren't coming down with another cold are you," Adult Dave asks. "You just got over the last one."

"I don't fucking—"

"Language, Karkitty," Adult Dirk says.

"Don't fucking call me that and I don't fucking care!" It sounds like the old Karkat that everyone has come to know and tolerate is back.

"Karkat, please calm down," Kankri says, shoosh papping the slightly smaller troll.

"Don't touch me!" Karkat shoves Kankri as far away from him as he can, but being that the two are right next to each other in a small car, is only about three inches. "It already burns and you touching it doesn't make it any fucking better!"

"Sorry, I was just trying to help." Kankri hops out of the car right after Cronus. When they all get Karkat into the house, Adult Dave gets burn cream out of the medicine cabinet.

"I don't know why you need it, but here it is if it'll make you feel better." Karkat goes to grab it out of his hand, but is stopped when the sensation becomes unbearably strong. He falls to the floor, writhing in pain as his body feels like the flesh is melting off the bone. Never in his life has he been in such pain. Kankri and Adult Dave escort him to the shower. Meanwhile, Adult Dirk's computer dings with a new message on pesterchum.

- _ [ ] began pestering Future timaeusTestified [FTT] at ?:? -

: (I trust that young Karkat has begun suffering by now?)

FTT: Who the fuck is this?

: (Just confirm my all-knowing knowledge now so I can go along with the rest of my daily routine.)

: (Bark.)

: (Meow.)

: (Grrrr.)

: (I do apologize for that.)

: (Sometimes I lose control. You know because I am part dog, cat, and cue ball.)

: (Look at me; I'm turning into you.)

FTT: That better not have been an insult.

: (It may have been.)

FTT: Whatever. What do you want?

: (I want you to tell me that Karkitten [grrrr{sorry.}] has begun suffering by means of psychic entanglement.)

FTT: Whatever the fuck that means.

: (Language, Dirk.)

FTT: Shut up.

: (I'm not even talking. I'm typing.)

FTT: Same difference.

: (The two actions are completely different. There is nothing similar about it. Just confirm my knowledge already.)

FTT: About what?

: (That Karkat has begun to feel intense pain. I do believe I have typed that three times now.)

FTT: Yes, okay? He has. How do you know this?

: (That's all I wanted to know. Thank you.)

- _ [ ] ceased pestering Future timaeusTestified [FTT] -

What just happened? Adult Dirk figures he'll probably never know, so he resumes doing what he was doing before he had to go on this rescue mission, and what he does best—filming smuppet porn. He's late to upload a new video. His fans are probably pissed by now.

* * *

**Author: And thus, the final transformation begins as the two weretrolls become psychically entangled.**


	30. Chapter 29

**Kankri Duvina Vantas! I hope you weren't thinking that I would fall for your little trick! Really, at least change your typing quirk when posting as "guest." Just trying to sound angry or excited won't fool anyone! Now get back in the story that you're supposed to think is actually happening before I have to go over there and force you to!**

**For everyone else, enjoy this chapter. :)**

* * *

Seriously, what the fuck was that? Who was that guy and how did he know about Karkat? Is he like, some sort of stalker? All these questions are floating through Bro's mind. In fact, he can barely even shoot his puppet porn because he can't get that little incident out of his mind. Now see, if Dave was here, he would just tell Bro that he's retarded and Bro would forget about everything and have no problem at all.

But what he doesn't know is that Dave would also be able to tell him who the fuck pestered him.

Back in Spades's bed, John suddenly feels sweet relief from his burns. The burn cream did nothing to help the feeling and the bandages only trapped the heat in, making it worse. But suddenly, it feels better.

Because of this, the sensation, by means of psychic entanglement, is relayed back to Karkat. Unfortunately, when it's relayed, it's also amplified, so Karkat then begins to feel like he's stuck in the South Pole. Thus he begs to be taken out of the shower.

Suddenly, the good feeling is gone and John begins to feel burning pain again. For now, we'll just leave these two so they can attempt to figure out what's wrong and go check up on someone else … let's say … **let me think for a second (*Reader takes eyes off of the screen for a ludicrous amount of time) **… Casey.

* * *

Jake has been chasing the decade-old girl now for almost a half hour. She's been running around in a freaking circle the entire time, and then sees that the adult Striders are home. She decides to ditch the boy chasing her … mainly because it's a little creepy at this point, and takes a detour while he still can't see her around the corner. She gets up to the anime car just in time to duck out of sight when Jake rounds the corner of the road and makes his way past the Strider/Pyrope household for the umpteenth time now. The poor sap has no idea … and neither does Jake about what awaits Casey behind the closed doors of the Strider house.

Casey decides to run inside and get some refreshments and rest because, you know, she's been running for like an hour straight without stopping. When she opens the door, she unwittingly traps Kankri behind it. The troll is triggered a little too much to respond in any way at the current point, so he just stands there like an idiot while the girl speed walks past and into the kitchen, where she encounters Adult Dave. Somehow, she has yet to realize that Dave and Adult Dave are the same exact freaking person. How? I don't know. And neither do you. They exchange hellos … yeah, teenage Dave doesn't say hello. That's probably why she doesn't see it … and Adult Dave is back off into another room with a crapload of burn cream. She, of course, wonders why he would need it, considering the two striders are too skilled to ever need something like that, and forgets about it. Yeah, she has a very small mind.

Casey's been to the Strider house several times, so she knows her way around. She grabs a cup, some ice, and some water out of the sink and drinks it, but doesn't finish before a burn cream-covered Karkat walks into the room. At first, Casey starts laughing. That is, until Karkat starts chewing her ass off about it. "Casey! Don't you dare fucking laugh at me! I am in extreme, fucking pain and all you do is laugh?! If you're going to do anything, you can fucking stay and help!" oh crap, it's Karkat, otherwise known as "daddy's grumpy boyfriend". Unfortunately, Casey learned that he's a troll, and the whole incident with the troll that looked just like him on the bus ride back home doesn't help the situation. So, instead of helping out, she screams in terror and throws her glass at him, effectively disorienting him by knocking him in the head. Bro and Other Bro rush into the room to see what's wrong, followed by Cronus and a triggered Kankri. This causes Casey to scream, "There's more?!" and flip the fuck out. Jake, who was just passing the house, hears this. Seriously, with a shriek like that it wouldn't be surprising if everyone in a ten freaking mile radius is able to hear it. He turns on a dime and runs for the house. When he runs inside, He searches around, but finds no one … until he decides to follow the screams and head into the kitchen, where Bro and Other Bro are trying to restrain Casey and calm her the fuck down. The fact that Kankri is showing as much razor-sharp teeth as possible while chewing her ass off for harsh judgment and neglect is entirely irrelevant. So, he gets out his phone and texts Viceroy.

**J: Do i have to bring casey back?**

**V: Yes.**

**J: Cant i just leave her here with the striders and a few trolls?**

**V: I would prefer my alter ego be here with us.**

**J: Why again?**

**V: I never said why. Just bring her back.**

**J: Fine. Whatever.**

Okay, so he has to somehow find a way to—

"English! You aren't doing anything, so come blow me!" Okay, that could've been worded better.

* * *

Meanwhile, back somewhere out of state, the rest of the kids and trolls, save Dirk and Sollux, are trying their best to stay awake. Well, Rose is, anyway. She, being the only one with the guts to drive faster than the speedometer can measure is the only one she's willing to allow to drive. There's just one problem though—They aren't real sure where the Midnight Crew Headquarters is, so they're taking a wild guess, and apparently are correct, because somewhere in the city that they are currently in, I forget the name of it, is the HQ, or, at least, they're base. At this point in time, it is quite surprising that Rose is even alive, given the fact that she's downed three Five Hour Energies, two Red Bulls (they didn't give her wings, otherwise they would be there by now), four Monsters, and twelve Frogbuck's coffees. The last thing she needs to do now, and probably won't be able to for the next three weeks, is sleep. As of right now, they are at a rest stop … again. Drinking all those coffees have made Rose have to empty out her bladder at least once every fifteen minutes. Kanaya has insisted she just sticks in a "tampon" as Rose calls them because they're so absorbent, but Rose insists it's not that time of the month yet. Kanaya still doesn't know what exactly they're for if not for this exact reason.

Apparently Dave has a gift for spotting black carapacians. As everyone is just getting back in the van, he spots a slick black vehicle drive past. When he looks inside, he sees the driver stare back, probably because Dave is wearing shades at dusk. But he's pretty sure it looks like one of those black chess people from the Game. "Rose, floor it and follow that car!"

"Got it." Rose does as he says and floors it.

"Wait until I'm in the fucking minivan first," Dave yells as he tries to hop in without letting go of the oh shit bar. It was given that name for a reason. And now, Dave knows that reason.

"Sorry," Rose says, but it sounds insincere. It must be the Strider genes.

"Uh huh," Dave replies as he climbed into the minivan and shuts the door. "Just chase after that car up there."

"Which one," Rose asks.

"The slick black one," Dave says and Rose, once again, floors it. This time with Dave in the automated transportational vehicular device.


	31. Chapter 30

**Now on AO3. The reasoning: Easier to read the pesterlogs. And Beq's text can actually only be read while highlighted as meant. It's just a thing that First Guardians do when they type.**

* * *

They follow the black vehicle for about fifteen minutes before it pulls into the driveway of a rather nice-looking building a little ways outside of the city. It looks more like a vacation home than a base, but when the vehicle's occupant walks out, they know they're at the right place. After a total of fifteen hours thirty-seven minutes and seventeen seconds, the kids have finally arrived at their destination. And they show their excitement for finding John's location by agreeing to remember where this place is and check into a hotel for the night. John can wait twelve more hours. Everyone else needs some rest after traveling for such a long time to rescue his sorry ass and take it back. Seriously, the boy must think that they all should wait on him hand and foot because of his dilemma. No fucking thank you.

They put the address into the GPS so they can find this place tomorrow and head back to town. They saw a hotel that looks rather luxurious on their way through the city. It's even better on the inside. All they have to do is tell the people at the front desk that they are the mortal gods and they get free rooms for as long as they want. The concierge, of course, being skeptical as she is, asks why exactly they need to be here.

"Well, we are on a very important trip and need to crash here for the night," Dave replies. The concierge accepts this, but decides to keep an eye on the group, you know, just to make sure that they are who they say that they are.

"Dave, I wonder if our father has found Karkat yet," Rose says as she opens the door to her and Kanaya's room. That's the first time she's called Bro "their father" and actually meant it. She never did see him as a father figure, or any sort of possible parental figure for that matter, but she guesses it beats two drunkard older versions of her and her now sober for several months same-age-as-her mother.

"I don't know. I can ask him real fast, given he'll even answer. Who knows, at this point he's probably filming his smuppet porn." Dave cringes at the sheer thought of smuppets, let alone porn involving them. He grew out of that stage when he realized that Li'l Cal was creepy as fuck.

.

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering Future timaeusTestified [FTT] at 19:23 - **

** .**

**TG: so you have Karkat yet**

**TG: i take it youre either filming stuff or just not feeling like answering**

**TG: seriously you cant just leave me hangin here**

**TG: its like**

**TG: i dont even know you anymore**

**TG: youre just all up and ignorin the shit outta me anymore**

**TG: it aint like you**

**TG: so i guess im just gonna be depressed and feeling neglected here and milk this for attention because i can**

**FTT: Oh shut the fuck up. I couldn't get to the damn computer.**

**TG: uh huh**

**FTT: Yes, we have Karkat, who is complaining of severe burns, though he feels fine. Unfortunately, we also have Casey, whose flipping the fuck out, and your potential future brother-in-law is molesting Karkat and not even bothering to help us at all. So as you can see, I'm pretty fucking busy to be talking.**

**FTT: Just go get your friend and all that shit and leave us to this.**

** .**

**- Future timaeusTestified [FTT] logged the fuck out -**

**.**

"So apparently emotions can travel between two identical people," Dave says as soon as the conversation is ended.

"And why is that," Rose asks as she walks out of the bathroom in her pajamas.

"Because I think Bro's annoyed with Jake. He didn't even call him Jake. Just 'your potential future brother-in-law'."

"I'm sure it's nothing. Now you better be getting to bed. We all have to get up in the morning."

"With what all you've had to drink I would think that you'll be up until morning." The two exchange giggles and Dave goes to his own room.

Jake can only hope that Karkat didn't mean what he said. "Uh ... what," he asks nervously.

"I said fucking blow me! Is that clear?!" Karkat wipes the burn cream off as painlessly as he can because it isn't working. He looks back over at Jake and glares at him. "Did you not fucking here me?! Get the fuck over here!"

Jake nervously walks over to the ailing troll and gets on his knees. He closes his eyes because, well, he doesn't want to watch himself do this, an puts his mouth on the troll' crotch and begins to suck. This causes Karkat to jump ten feet in the air. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

"I'm just doing what you said." Jake backs away. The two Bros look over at the two. Of course, they only did this after Casey screamed at the sight of Jake getting a little too friendly with her daddy's grumpy boyfriend. She vomits when the two Bros look away.

"Dave, take her in the other room," Bro says, to which Other Bro gladly does.

"You humans are disgusting! Since when does 'blow' mean 'suck on my fucking genitalia'?!" Karkat glares at the embarrassed adventurer, who just backs away more. "I said 'blow'," he says, waving his hands around his body, "as in 'I'm burning so cool me off'!"

Jake, just now remembering he felt something slimy move around in his mouth for that short time, puts up a finger and runs to the bathroom and proceeds to vomit his entire insides.

In the living room, a scarred Casey asks Other Bro what the literal fuck was happening in the kitchen. Other Bro thinks for a little bit. "We'll, when two people ... uh ... love each other ... uh ... they uh ... do ... uh ... things," he says after a couple minutes. "You know what? You'll learn all about it in a few years when you get into high school." They hear a ding in Bro's room. "Bro, you got a message," Adult Dave shouts into the kitchen, where Bro is busy cleaning up Casey vomit. They hear another ding, followed by another "Bro!" and another, and another, and so on. Thus, we witness a conversation that we already witnessed earlier in the chapter. But the characters don't know that.

* * *

If only John and Dirk knew that their boyfriends are unwittingly cheating on them with each other ... Dirk would escape the hospital and slice Jake in half and John would, well, I don't know. He doesn't really want to hurt Karkat, but the troll just got a freaking blowjob from his biological father. That can't be acceptable. But it was only the effect of a misunderstanding with an awkwardly worded demand, so maybe that nulls it? Oh well, they don't know and no one wants them to find out. But Spades will require an explanation when he finds his mattress soaked with a bucketful of genetic material. John's still getting used to the new sensitivity of the thing that is his tentadick. Both of them, apparently.

Watching this made Ms. Paint remember that her minivan still needs cleaned, so she hunts down Diamonds Droog. She finds him in his room attempting to kick Eggs out. "Diamonds," she says happily.

"What?" Diamonds turns around. He's the only one out of the entire bunch of carapacians and leprechauns that has full control over the way his emotions are expressed. He's allowing some of his annoyance to get through, but only enough to thwart any of Ms. Paint's plans for him. She can see damn well how busy he is.

"I need you to do something for me—if it's not too much trouble." Ms. Paint smiles at him that warm, loving smile she's known for.

"I'm kind of busy right now—"

"Let me rephrase that: It isn't too much trouble and you're going to do it." And there goes the smile. No one does the opposite of what Ms. fucking Paint wants them to do.

"Do I have much of a choice?"

"You don't have a choice at all." And the smile is back, but it's more mischievous than anything. Diamonds gives an annoyed face and goes out to her van. He opens the door which activates the dome light, revealing the mess all over the passenger side seat and floor. This better not be what he thinks it is. He puts his finger on it and licks it off. Yep. It's either melted blueberry slushy or blue-blooded troll genetic material. Gog how he hopes it isn't the latter. That would just be disgusting on so many different levels, not to mention running the risk of contracting some sort of troll STD. It needs not be mentioned twice, but he will mention it again anyway. Gog how he hopes it isn't genetic material.

He uses a little indicator thing that he invented on the stain. It's supposed to detect all things troll. When it's done scanning the stuff, it spits out an answer. He dry heaves when he sees that it's the genetic material, but after tasting it, he decides that he wouldn't mind blowing a blue-blooded troll. Just so long as it's a more feminine troll. But that's still disgusting. He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number that will never be posted. There's an answer and he responds. "Yeah, I need a new seat and passenger side flooring for a minivan … Well, I don't know the model … It's a white fucking minivan … Year? What the fuck is a year? … Uh, it's a seven. What does that mean? … Whatever the fuck that means … So, if it can mean multiple years, then how do you know which one it is? … Well, no, it doesn't look all that old … Yeah, ha ha fucking ha. Just get out here with the stuff and replace it … Address? … Oh, uh, 413 Lowas Lane … Uh huh … I'm actually supposed to be cleaning this, but this is a lot easier so, yeah … Well fuck you too, sideways. Just get out here." Thus, he hangs up the phone and waits … and waits … and waits … and waits some more until he falls asleep.

* * *

Viceroy and Jane laugh at the others' stupidity. "So you're telling me that Dave actually thought you believed him," Jane asks.

"Yes, though I saw right through it." They both laugh some more. "The idiot thought that I thought he knew that Casey and I separated upon entering the universe!" They tap their glasses together and take another drink. Jane and Dad keep stocked on wine and rum. You'd be surprised at how much they cook with alcohol.

"So Rose actually knew," Jane asks.

"Unintentionally, yes. See, she never found out that Casey and I were the same exact salamander. Jake was the same way. Dave knew, but forgot that she and I separated." They both laugh some more.

"I can't wait to see their faces when they find out you knew all along!"

"Well, it's kind of hard not to know when you can read minds, dear!" Viceroy holds up his glass to be topped off, which Jane gladly takes the hint and tops her off as well. She is almost drunk. Viceroy is using his powers to keep himself from getting drunk. None to Crocker's knowledge, this is his intention. It's the only way to keep peace between her and Casey for the time being.

"You know, I gots ta hand it to you, you are quite the joker!" Her speech is beginning to become weird. Just a few more glasses and she should be out like a light.


	32. Chapter 31

"John, you haven't eaten your soup yet," Ms. Paint complains. Seriously, it's like he can't even move his severely burnt, bandaged arms to his face, which only has the mouth exposed. On top of that he's unconscious. The boy is completely helpless. He can't do anything.

Nevertheless, Ms. Paint took an oath to treat him like the child she never had but always wanted. She pulls a chair up next to the bed and sits down. Taking the spoon out of the soup, she lifts his head and puts it against his barely exposed mouth. He doesn't open his mouth to sip the soup, so she shakes him in an attempt to wake him up, but her attempts fail. She goes to an emergency supply cabinet and gets out an air horn. They keep one just in case they might need it to, let's say, attract much needed attention in the event that the flare gun doesn't work. She points the horn at John, keeping it about five feet from him, and presses the button. The horn is proven to work, and John jumps slightly at the sound. Ms. Paint notices this and sits back down to talk and feed him.

"Well, now that you're awake, it's time to eat your soup. She gives him a warm, loving smile as she puts the spoon back up to his mouth yet again, only to find that he doesn't take it … again. "Spades," she shouts, getting up and running out the room. "Spades!" she nearly runs into him when he rounds the corner at the end of the hallway.

"What the fuck do you want?!"

"I can't get the troll to wake up!" Paint drags him to his room. His eyes widen at the sight. A puddle of blue genetic material is pooled around the upper thighs and derriere of the troll on his bed. He clenches his fists, trying to keep from ripping its head off.

"Spades, what do I do?" Ms. Paint is becoming more and more frantic with each second that passes.

"You clean up the mess on my bed," Spades responds with a scowl deforming his face.

"No, about the troll!"

"You throw it out on the street where it belongs."

"I can't get him to wake up!" Ms. Paint turns Spades to face her and looks into his eyes.

"I don't fucking care as long as the mess on my bed gets cleaned up," Spades replies through clenched teeth and leaves.

.

John wonders why he can't move, well, why he can barely move, anyway. He also wonders why his breathing has slowed down dramatically. He can't talk, he can't see, he can barely move—only perhaps a millimeter at a time, if that, etc. But he can hear, and that air horn was uncalled for, he thinks. It was also good because it allowed him to be able to move quite a bit compared to what he's been, if involuntarily. He wonders why Ms. Paint is so frantic. After all, he is awake and perfectly aware of what's happening, but she keeps saying he wont wake up. Perhaps it has something to do with whatever she was holding against his lips.

.

* * *

.

Two states over, Karkat suddenly hears a loud, obnoxious horn in his right ear. It makes him bend over, holding his ear. Jake has since returned from vomitpalooza and saw the troll bent over, holding his ear in pain, and goes over to help. When he stands Karkat up, the troll opens his eyes and begins panicking. "I can't see!"

Other Bro runs in the room to see what's wrong. Jake is holding Karkat up and the latter is shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. He walks up to the naked troll and puts his hand on his shoulder. Karkat jumps away, startled at the unexpected sensation. He looks in the general direction of the hand that touched him, but sees darkness. Behind the shades, Other Bro gives a questioning look before his phone alerts him of a new message.

.

- _ [ ] began pestering Future turntechGodhead [FTG] at 20:00 -

.

: (Please tell Karkat [Grrrr! {I'm terribly sorry about that.}] that he shouldn't be worried about himself.)

FTG: what?

: (Tell the red-blooded troll to worry about John and not himself. It's only an effect of the curse that he unwittingly put upon the human. An effect that I had previously forgotten to mention to John …)

FTG: what are you talking about?

: (It's called psychic entanglement. It's kind of like quantum entanglement but with people. What one experiences the other does as well. John had an air horn blown in his face, therefore Karkat [Grrrrrrr! {I hope this isn't bothering you.}] experienced a loud, obnoxious noise in his ear as well. John can't see, therefore Karkat can't as well.)

FTG: yeah i dont know what that whole quantum entanglement thing is

: (When two atoms or subatomic particles become entangled, what happens to one happens to the other instantaneously. They could be all the way across the universe and the reaction would still be instantaneous. If one encounters antimatter and is annihilated, the other one is annihilated as well, even though it never encountered anything to cause it. It's quite simple really.)

FTG: okay and this means what to me

: (Try "what does this mean for all of us?" Well, it means that John, because he is blind right now, can't see anything, but he can hear everything. And he can hear every major sound that Kar—I mean his matesprit [See how I avoided growling there?] hears as well.)

FTG: okay im not following

: (Use the psychic entanglement to communicate with John. It's that simple, David.)

FTG: my name is dave

: (I don't care. I will formally call you David because that's just the person I am. If you have a problem with it, well boo hoo. It isn't my problem, so I don't have to deal with it.)

FTG: whatever

: (I have now said what I must say, and now it is time for you to do what you must do, which I hope you can infer by our conversation … if you are intelligent enough to infer anything.)

.

- _ [ ] ceased pestering Future turntechGodhead [FTG] -

.

Okay, that made absolutely no sense. What exactly is Bro and Other Bro supposed to do? Come on, First Guardian guy, you have to be more up front with these things when it comes to Dave, no matter which iteration of him you're communicating with. No one ever accused him of being intelligent. "Bro," Other Bro shouts.

"What," is the response given from the bedroom.

"What does this mean?!" Once again, no one ever accused Dave of having intelligence.

"I don't fucking know! I can't see 'this!'"

"This!" Other Bro walks into the bedroom in which the other person's yelling originated. Now, it is no surprise to anyone that Bro still films smuppet porn, but everyone thought he just did it at night. But when Other Bro walks in, he is mentally scarred by the sight before him. One smuppet is holding a small camera while two others sit on a small plush toy bed with one's nose up the other's derriere. And he thought he hated smuppets before, not to mention Bro is in skintight briefs. That's one case of moose knuckle that Dave, in any iteration, doesn't need to see. "… This," he says, throwing his phone on Bro's bed and quickly walking out. He doesn't bother turning around.

When Other Bro leaves, Bro doesn't even bother closing the door. He goes over and picks up the former's phone off the bed and looks at the screen. He reads over the conversation that we had just witnessed. Some creeperish stalker must be following them around because he recognizes it as the same text and everything of that person that pestered him earlier. But the message is clear: use loud noises, bright lights, and everything else to communicate with John. How can Dave not know this? It's typed right here in the hex code #ffffff. Of course, he might not have highlighted enough if he didn't understand. But then again, it is Dave, so anything is possible.

Bro puts his clothes back on and heads out to the living room, where Other Bro and Jake have gotten Karkat to calm down a little and sit. The troll is still shaking, though. When Bro gets over to Karkat, he claps his hands next to the troll's ear. The clap is loud enough and unexpected that everyone in the room, save Bro himself, jumps at it. Back two states over, John jumps at the sudden loud noise in his ear, which surprises Ms. Paint, who jumps as well. "John, are you okay," she asks shyly.

"Aahhh!"

"Karkat, what's wrong," Jake asks.

"The voice!"

"What voice?"

"The voice in my fucking head!" Karkat gets in Jake's face, well, he thinks he does, and he does, almost head butting the boy.

"Karkat," Bro says, gently holding on to the troll's wrist, "tell us what the voice is saying."

"I don't fucking know! It's just a mumble! I can't make out anything!" The troll panics. Jake and Other Bro restrain him.

Two states away, John can hear Jake and Bro talk. He thinks he must be slipping into a dream. He can't move, can't talk, can't do anything but breathe. He feels like he's dreaming until he hears Bro say something else, which attracts his attention: "John, if you can hear me, do something to prove it." Why does it catch his attention? Well, Bro never calls John by his name. He always just refers to him as "Dave's friend," for reasons that are unexplained. He always felt like the elder Striders hated him for some reason, But he could never put his finger on it considering that their younger iterations seem to adore him and constantly vie for his attention, though Dirk does have his biological father as a boyfriend. He still has no idea.

The Striders, Casey, and Jake wait for something out of Karkat for a few minutes, but nothing happens. "Well, I guess he can't hear us."

_I can hear you just fine. I just can't do anything!_

"Aaaahh!" Karkat panics yet again at this new voice. It seems irritated.

"Karkat, what is it now? Another voice," Adult Dirk asks.

"Yes!" The troll glares in Bro's general direction.

"Well, what does it say?" Dirk doesn't glare at Karkat because he understands that the troll feels like he is going insane, unlike Dave, who gives Karkat the stink eye.

"It says I'm going fucking mental!"

John can't understand what the voices' problems are. He's communicating with the voices in his head and one doesn't hear him? How does that work?

"Karkat, listen to me," Bro begins. "You aren't going crazy. According to this weird stalker guy that's been pestering us," he points to himself and Other Bro, "this is an effect of the curse? Whatever that means. Apparently it's called psychic entanglement and whatever John is experiencing, you are as well, and vice versa." He's kneeling in front of the troll because of a lack of chairs and other places to sit. They really need to go to a furniture store sometime soon.

Okay, so either John is hallucinating the voices, or he's actually hearing some of the others communicate from two states away in his head. But it's getting late and he's getting tired, though he has no idea whether or not he's asleep, since he can't see anything and it has suddenly fallen completely silent. He decides to relax and let whatever happens happen.

.

* * *

.

Morning comes fast for the Midnight crew, well, all except Spades, Diamonds, and Ms. Paint. It comes slowly for John, the rest of the kids, and the trolls, except for Gamzee, who we have yet to hear from since about two days ago. Thinking back to chapter 17, it is known that he ran away with his new matesprit, who he hit it off with after that whole 'everyone is missing' thing after they all went to see the First Guardian. It is time for a checkup.

Gamzee and the apparently nameless Gas Station Clerk are a perfect match for each other. Both are stoners, both have best friends that they left behind completely, and both need anger management when they are sober. They took an instantaneous liking to each other, and it's unclear to everyone except for the author of this masterpiece as to who popped the question first. They are currently on route to Frog Vegas to get hitched in a drive thru chapel. We'll leave it at that and get back to the main group.

Dave's alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m., effectively waking him up to get ready to go. He is the only one up, and it would surprise anyone if he snuck off before everyone else gets up to go get John just because best bros don't leave best bros behind. And he and Dirk tend to vie for John's affection—CRAP! He means attention—CRAP AGAIN! He means BROSHIP. Yeah, that's it.

Dave hops in the shower. When he gets out, Terezi still lies in the same spot in her bed as she was when he got in a half hour earlier. He cares so much about finding John (in a completely platonic way, of course) that he doesn't even bother combing his hair in his typical style and leaves it to settle back to a natural state on its own. He thinks of leaving everyone behind, and even goes as far as walking out the door without his room key, only to remember that Rose has the keys to the minivan. Fortunately, Rose has always been an early riser, so she is most likely awake and getting ready to leave as well. All he has to do is knock on the door and calmly get her attention. And that's exactly what he does—sort of.

"Rose! Open the fucking door! I got locked out of my room!" along with his shouting, he bangs on the door as well, effectively waking Rose and Kanaya, who were previously enjoying a peaceful slumber together.

"Rose, go quiet down your annoying ecto-brother," Kanaya says as she tries to get back to sleep, leaving Rose to do the dirty work herself. She gets up and sleepily answers the door.

"Thank fucking God, Rose! I've been waiting here for like, ever trying to get your attention!" Dave is beginning to remind her like a sassy thirteen year old girl.

"Shut up and go back to bed. Some of us are trying to get some sleep before we continue our little journey," Rose replies sleepily and shuts the door, only to have Dave stop it with his foot.

"No, either you let me in or give me the keys."

This is starting to piss Rose off. She knows that Dave can be a stubborn little fuck, but she had no idea he could be so determined on something. "Dave, I'm not going to give you the keys or let you in if you're going to be so rude. Besides, it's too dangerous to go alone and you don't have your immortality. It's better if we all go together."

"No, I am a good fighter."

"Is that why you've broken every sword you've ever owned?"

"Those were shitty katana swords. I don't have those. Instead, I have fists." He gives Rose and uncharacteristic smile. She absolutely hates it when he does that because it makes him look so cute and adorable and … no, Rose, don't start this now. All that the readers need to know is that Dave's uncharacteristic smile is impossible to resist.

Needless to say, she hands Dave the keys, but tells him that at least she is going with him. It isn't one of her brighter ideas considering the fact that she still has to get ready, and by the time she's finished and ready to go, Dave is gone. Well, he isn't technically gone just yet as he is held up at the front door of the lobby. Apparently the hotel manager called a local news team and informed them that the mortal gods were staying there. The news team jumped on it immediately. Somehow all the other news teams found out, as well as magazines and tabloids. Dave was pointed out by the manager when he was trying to leave, and they all immediately swarmed around him, effectively trapping him. He is saved by his phone … sort of.

"Hello," he asks into it, the media people not bothering to quiet down. The only way he can hear the person on the other end is because he or she is shouting.

"You idiot! I told you I was going with you and you up and fucking left without me!" It's Rose. The only other time she lost her cool like this was when she went grimdark.

"Yeah, I can't really hear you all that well. People found out we were here and now I can't even get through the doors."

"Serves you right, asshole!" With that, the line dies. Rose hangs up without another word. Great. This is just perfect. What did Dave ever do to deserve this? That's right. He left Rose for John … oh, yeah, that's right. He left Rose to go get John. Yeah, that probably wasn't his best decision. It wasn't his worst either, so that kind of evens it out, he guesses.

The crowd of media is thickest around the door, so he turns around and fights his way over to a chair. If he's going to be trapped in one spot for several hours, he ain't going to stand. As for everyone else, well, Rose woke them all up to watch Dave receive his comeuppance. Unfortunately, however, the abandoned knight spots them within minutes and points them out. The crowd looks up. Half of it leaves Dave to head up to the rest of the kids. The other half tries to interrogate Dave and get his autograph and everything. He takes this opportunity to get up and flash step his way through it to the door. The crowd follows him out to the minivan and gathers around it when he gets in. But Dave, being a Strider, isn't going to put up with any of this crowd's shit, so he puts the automated vehicular device into neutral and floors it, revving the engine and scaring the crowd enough for them to back away. He then puts it in reverse and floors it again, causing the minivan to jerk back. He exits the parking lot and heads toward the Midnight Crew's base, media people in tow in their own automated vehicular devices.

Dave speeds toward the base as fast as the minivan can go. He fails to turn the GPS on because he actually takes the time to remember these kinds of things, unlike the "intelligent," flighty broad that calls herself "Rose." He looks in the rearview mirror. No media vehicles. Whew, that is, until one pulls out right in front of him, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid it. After he regains control of the vehicle he floors it even farther than possible. The minivan speeds up, but only barely. He catches a ramp onto the interstate. "Sorry, John, but you'll have to wait just a few more minutes," he says to absolutely no one in particular considering that he's completely alone in the minivan. Media vehicles follow him, and soon, so are state police. Fifteen minutes later, he takes another ramp. By pure chance, it happened to lead off onto Lowas Lane, the exact road that the Midnight Crew's base is located on. He drives a few miles, with the police and media in tow, and finally reaches the base. He parks the minivan and gets out, hoping to get inside before anyone shows up, but is stopped by Diamonds at the door.

"So, you finally decided to come?" Diamonds looks at Dave, not knowing that he's here for John.

"Uh, yeah. My best bro is probably in there somewhere." Dave looks past Diamonds, hoping the carapacian would take the hint that he needs to get inside like, right the fuck now.

"So, you aren't here to replace the seat?"

"What?"

"The seat in the minivan over there? You aren't here to replace it?"

"No. Look, I'm here to get someone, and I'm being chased by a bunch of people, so if I could just go inside real quick—"

"Are you talking about the troll?"

"Uh … yes?"

"Please, take the damn creature and go then. He's caused me nothing but problems ever since we took him!" Diamonds shoves Dave in the building and stays by the door, still waiting for the seat for the minivan. Thirty seconds later, media vans and police cars pull in. Media people go up to Diamonds, who gives them all the same treatment as he gave Dave, except for the fact that these people are annoying and he wants them to leave. The cops, however, refuse to leave.

Inside the building, Dave walks around, looking for something that would lead him to John. It's only 6:45 a.m., so no one, save Diamonds, is awake. Or so he thinks. He walks around more, and more, and more. He honestly has no idea how big the place is.

He walks around some more and finds the kitchen. Having never been a big breakfast person, he bypasses it completely. Almost. He instead stands in the center of it, staring at all the scorch marks and burned countertops and floor. There is a slightly visible outline of a person on the floor. The burned and melted laminate flooring outlining the figure. That can't be a good sign. He hopes to the almighty troll Jegus that it isn't John's outline on the floor. He can't bear the thought, so he leaves and starts traveling down the hall away from the distraction. He walks maybe twenty feet down when he hears a woman softly singing in another room. He puts his ear up to the door and listens closer. It sounds like she's almost begging for someone to wake up. He knows he might get in trouble for this, but his hear is actually pretty big. So he slowly opens the door and walks in. Inside the room he sees a completely white carapacian holding the bandaged hand of a body on the bed. Though he can't see the face of the figure, given it's completely bandaged over, except for the mouth, he knows instantly that it's John. He knows it's John because of the lips. No, no, that's not wrong … er, right. He means horns. Yeah, horns. That's how he knows. He has no idea where you all got the idea that he knew by looking at the lips, and somewhat honestly, neither do I.

A single tear falls from a red eye, and a blonde boy falls to his knees, alerting the carapacian of his presence.

* * *

**Author: The completion of John's transformation fast approaches, if he even makes it until then ...**


	33. Chapter 32: Transformations

_No. No, no, no._ Dave can't believe what he's seeing. It's like someone just stabbed him through his heart, but since he's like, immortal in this weird little simile, he can't die and he keeps on living with that hole just there, doing what a hole does best—being a hole that can only be fixed by a heart transplant, but he doesn't want to do that because then it wouldn't be his heart. He's so taken aback by John being unconscious on the bed that he doesn't notice Ms. Paint approaching him. "Uh, who are you," she asks nervously. Instead of hearing her question, all he hears is Carrie Underwood's song _Just a Dream_ playing in his head.

**_Baby why'd you leave me  
Why do you have to go?  
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
I can't even breathe  
It's like I'm looking from a distance  
Standing in the background  
Everybody's saying he's not coming home now  
This can't be happening to me  
This is just a dream_**

Instead of acknowledging Ms. Paint, he gets up and runs out the room, almost running into a half-awake Spades stumbling out of his room after a long night of semi-comfortable sleep. Spades glares as the human runs past and out of sight. There's something familiar about him, but he just can't put his carapaced finger on it. He's too tired to care anyway. That is, until Ms. Paint runs into him chasing after the human, knocking both of them onto the floor.

"What the fuck, Paint?!" Yeah, he's fully awake now.

"I'm sorry, Spades," is all Ms. Paint says before she continues chasing after Dave. She has a feeling that he would've gone somewhere he could be alone, so she checks out back. Lo and behold, Dave had found his way out and was sitting some hundred feet away from the back door at the top of the terrace behind the building. His he was slouched over, paying attention to something in his hands, and definitely crying. She slowly walks up behind him, careful not to make any sounds to alert him of her presence. But, it is technically her place, after all. She gets up to him and looks over her shoulder with a sad look on her face. He's texting one of his friends. She reads the conversation on his phone screen.

**.**

**- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 6:50 -**

**.**

**TG: well i found john**

**TT: Oh good. Your douchebag efforts have paid off. I salute you in the highest honor.**

**TG: no rose this is serious i think john might be dead**

**TT: And what would give you that idea?**

**TG: he wasnt moving and some woman from the game was singing to him and trying to wake him up**

**TT: Dave, you're overreacting. **

**TG: dont fucking tell me when im overreacting and when im underreacting and when im reacting**

**TG: john is dead and i know it thats all there is to say**

**TT: Have you talked to the carapacian? Perhaps she could tell you for sure. I'm sure a carapacian would be smart enough to know that trying to wake up a dead person is a lost cause. He might just be in a deep sleep, or in a semi-worse case scenario, in a coma.**

**TG: what the fuck is even a coma**

**.**

Just then, Dave is interrupted by Ms. Paint, who was somewhat stealthily reading the conversation between him and Rose. "A coma is when the body enters the lowest state of consciousness." This causes Dave to jump about three feet in the air. "He isn't dead, Dave." Ms. Paint is boss. She can infer someone's name by just reading a conversation, whereas Adult Dave can't even infer to do something from a conversation, even though he was pretty much told exactly what to do. Come to think of it, John has been minimally responsive, so a coma just might be the explanation she's been looking for. "Dave," she says. The boy turns his head to her. She can see that the inside of his shades is wet, this is evident not just because the image behind is distorted, but because his tears fall out when he raises his head. "What relation are you to John?"

"I'm his boyfriend." Wait, what? _What the fuck did I just say? I hope I didn't say what I thought I said._

"Oh, okay. Do you want to see him?" Dave slowly nods his head. Ms. Paint helps him up and escorts him back to John's … er … Spades's room and sits him in the chair next to the bed where she was sitting. Dave reaches over and takes John's hand, and using his best Karkat voice, he begins speaking. "J-John, it's me," he begins with a shaking voice. In the bed, John remains seemingly unconscious, but is aware of everything. He figures that Karkat must've changed completely. Perhaps the voice changed a little bit in the process. Beq did say that they would both know. I guess, well, now he does. He forces his own hand to take Dave's, thinking the latter belongs to his matesprit's. In the chair, Dave tears up as he feels John's hand form a weak grip on his.

.

* * *

.

"Um, Roxy," Adult Rose shakes Roxy awake when she gets home after a near triple shift at her workplace. Original Roxy just tries to shake her away. She can damn well see that she's trying to get some sleep. But this doesn't work. "Roxy!" Adult Roxy jumps slightly at the yell. She looks up sleepily at the Rose clone.

"Whaaaaaat?" She has a hangover and really doesn't want to talk. What could possibly be so important?

"Where's the minivan?" Adult Rose places her hands on her hips and glares at the original Mom.

"In the shop getting fixed." Mom pauses and thinks. "Wait, was I supposed to go pick it up?"

"No, I was talking about _your _minivan. Where is it?"

"Uh, out in the driveway? Where else would it be?"

"Uh, not in the driveway," Other Mom responds, mocking Mom's tone.

"Well, I don't know then. Go away and let me sleep this hangover off." Mom waves Other Mom away, or tries to, at least.

"You know what? I'm taking a stand. I've had enough. Here I am, working my ass off, working near triple shifts, and you get to stay here and drink until you fall flat on your ass and then get rewarded by being able to sleep off a hangover all day long the next day. From now on, this is an alcohol-free house!" Other Mom has had enough of Mom's bullshit. Typically, when Rose says something, she means it. This determination has traveled with her into adulthood in Other Mom's reality, and most likely will in the original reality. She goes into the kitchen and gathers all the alcohol and alcoholic stuff. For the next however long it takes to kick an alcohol addiction, they won't even have things that are cooked with alcohol. This includes their favorite dessert items—canelés. She puts everything in her car and drives it over to the Egbert/Crocker household, where she hands it over to Viceroy, who seems overly happy to receive the gift, and leaves. No questions were asked. Just a simple "Thank you," and "You're welcome," is exchanged. After that she heads back home, get's Mom up again, and makes sure she stays up by giving her a bullshit list of things to do, and heads to bed herself. After working for a near twenty-four hours straight, she needs sleep.

.

* * *

.

Here he was, feeling all nice and relaxed, listening to the soft sound of a woman singing in his head, almost seeming to beg John to wake up, and feeling the soft caress of her hand on his, and all of a sudden, it stops for a few minutes. It resumes again after what he assumes to be about five or so minutes. This time, it's just holding his hand, or John's, or he's just imagining it. But it feels more like flesh rather than a surprisingly soft carapace. He hears a voice that sounds oddly familiar. It has the same growl that he typically has, but it's a little higher than his. He can't place a finger, or claw on it, but it sounds so familiar. It's clearly addressing John, but he could just be imagining it. Suddenly, it feels as though his hand closes a little around this other person's, but when he touches his other hand to it, it's completely open.

He begins to enjoy the sensation. After a few minutes, he feels a pair of soft lips touch his, and though he knows he's alone in the living room of the Strider/Pyrope household, he's sure that someone is either kissing him, or he's imagining it. The bliss doesn't last for long, however. All of a sudden, he feels as though someone took a ten-pound sledgehammer to his abdomen. His teeth feel become wider and dull, making his mouth feel tighter. He can feel his skin crawl as it thins up and becomes several shades lighter, eventually becoming pale white, almost albino. His claws fall off his fingers, exposing nerve endings and bones and it's painful. Jane stabbing him in the chest with her three-pronged fork wasn't as painful as this. His chest feels tighter, and a sharp pain shoots through it and his left arm. He's read somewhere that this is an important symptom of a vascular pump attack, but before he can cry out, his vocal cords tighten tremendously, causing his throat pain, and losing him the ability to speak.

His horns retract into his skull, and it feels like they literally retract _into_ it. He feels like if it doesn't stop it could damage his brain, but the horns disappear. They become actual parts of the skull itself and not just bumps protruding from it. All the while his insides transform. Everything becomes squishier, and he can feel it. He can feel his chitinous windhole move around and expand a little bit, turning into a human "trachea". His protein chute follows suit, turning into a human "esophagus". He grows tonsils, which, by the way John explained it after he had them taken out just a few months ago, are useful for only catching infection. His eyes transform as well. This is one of the most painful transformations he's experienced so far in this few seconds. It feels like someone is reaching into his eye sockets and pulling them out without removing any nerves, cutting them open, replacing the lenses, sewing them back shut, playing around with them, molding them into different shapes, and finally forcing them back into their sockets. When he opens them, he can see again. But the transformation isn't yet over. It proceeds for another ten seconds, the pain getting worse and worse with each second that passes. Near the end he feels as though it will kill him, but it's over as quickly as it started—like a charley horse. He shakes off the experience and gets up, this time as a complete human. He doesn't realize yet that he's not a troll anymore. He just sits in silence. He can't talk, can barely move because the transformation was so exhausting, and he can no longer feel any of the feelings he felt before. No more soft caresses, no more soft lips on his, no more holding hands, but he could've swore that before it all started, it felt like he was crushing whosever hand it was that was supposedly in his.

.

Dave knows this is so wrong. It's so wrong on so many different levels. Why did he even say that? He isn't John's boyfriend no matter how long he fantasizes about it—by which he means he _doesn't_ fantasize about it. No, that would just be creepy. It would make him seem desperate and uncool—two things which Striders never were, never are, and never will be, so get that idea out of your head. But John just looks so helpless just lying there, possibly in a coma—no, scratch that—definitely in a coma, and he looks like he could use some genuine affection to help him through it. After all, he must think that Dave is Karkat. He is pretending to be the troll, so maybe John won't notice any difference between the two different types of lips …

The sweet kiss, or so Dave thinks it is, anyway, is quickly and abruptly ended by John's almost unconscious body suddenly tensing up. His hand doesn't let go of Dave's, however. Instead, it does something worse—it tightens its grip. Dave clenches his teeth, trying to stop from screaming out. Seriously, John's suddenly tight grip hurts. Instead, he lets go, hoping that John would somehow take the hint and let go as well, but he doesn't. John's grip keeps tightening as the pain that he's feeling increases. As it tightens, Dave begins try to pull his hand away, but to no avail. He manages to get just his fingers caught, but suddenly, the pain in them increases dramatically and both he and Ms. Paint next to him can hear a few small crunches. His eyes widen behind his shades as a horrifying realization hits him: John just broke his fingers. He clenches his teeth tighter in order to not scream, but his teeth begin to hurt and he lets it all out. John's body tenses more and lets go, apparently done holding Dave's hand, or it could just be that John realized he Dave was kissing him and decided that that was enough punishment for the blonde's crime. What both of them don't realize, however, is that it was Karkat who was unintentionally doing it. In reality, John hadn't realized Dave was the only one there until he screamed, and that scream was definitely too high for it to have come out of any spot on Karkat's body. Instead of feeling anger, or anything else, he drifts off to sleep.

Several minutes later, The rest of the kids, save Dirk, and plus Terezi and Kanaya, show up. "Oh my gog, I thought Jack was about to kill us," Roxy says as they enter the bedroom, "but then he just pointed us the way to the room and said 'take it.'" She gives a shy laugh before Rose looks over and notices Dave cringing and holding his hand in pain.

"What happened," She asks.

"Uh—" Ms. Paint begins, before Dave rudely interrupts her

"Nothing. Now can someone take me to a hospital?" He takes off his shades with this left hand, the not-broken hand, and looks into everyone's eyes to show that he's completely dead serious, and to show that he's in pain—something a Strider should never show. Bro, Other Bro, and Dirk would be in so much disapproval of what he's doing. They'll probably have a mega-strife in store for him when they all get back just because he's going to show up with a cast.

"Uh, I wish to inquire exactly what happened— "

"Rose, just shut the fuck up and take me to a goddamn hospital!"

.

* * *

.

**Author: I wanted the transformation to be better, but I had no idea how to word it better or anything else, but at least something eventful happened during it.**


	34. Chapter 33

"Dave, why, exactly, is your hand broken?" Rose sits in the emergency room next to Dave's bed, glaring at him and waiting for an answer. The two are waiting for the x-ray to come back.

"I, uh … well, it's not important." Dave tries his best to avoid answering the question. Why would he want to tell that he was holding John's hand and kissing him when he knows all too well that the latter is in a relationship? That's just stupid. John would probably hate him and Karkat would probably kill him. No, that last part is silly; Karkitten couldn't possibly hurt anything.

"Dave, I just want to know. Was it after you messaged me, panicking that John was dead?" Rose looks at him questioningly. What she doesn't know is that he gave the doctors a reason when he went in for the x-ray, and he can't remember what that reason is.

"Uh, yeah," he manages, but only barely. Seconds later, the doctor walks in with a couple of black sheets and a clipboard. He puts the black sheets over a light and shows Dave and Rose the x-rays.

"Well, by the way the fingers are scrunched together, I don't think you are telling us the truth, Mr. Strider," the doctor says in an accusing tone. Rose looks back over at her ecto-brother, with an even more questioning look. "Dave, why is your hand shaped like that, exactly," she asks.

"Well, he told us that he smacked it too hard against a wall," the doctor informs Rose. "But like I said, by the way his fingers are arranged, I would place my bets on the possibility that he's lying.

"Can you just set the bones and get my hand in a cast already?" Dave is growing impatient. In reality, he just wants to get out of there and avoid any questions pertaining to it, aside from the possible, "Can I sign your cast?"

"Well, it won't be very easy to set them. Because your fingers are close to shattered, we'll have to put several pins and screws in them just to hold the bones in place while they heal. This operation alone can take a couple hours, considering all four fingers are broken."

"Dave, I would really love to know what the fuck you did to your hand," Rose says just before Dave is taken back. She is escorted to a waiting room for the remainder of her visit. She decides that she isn't going to just sit around awkwardly for the next couple hours, so she decides to talk to Kanaya.

**- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] at 7:25 -**

**.**

**TT: Well, the doctor just took Dave back to set his hand and put a cast on it. It should take a couple hours. Perhaps we can go for breakfast while we wait?**

**GA: That Sounds Nice**

**GA: Roxy Is Pestering Your Mother About The Minivan And Wants To Know What To Tell Her What Should She Say**

**TT: Tell her to tell mom that we took it to come and get John. We should be back tomorrow sometime. **

**GA: Okay She Says That She Wants To Know What Time Tomorrow**

**TT: I don't know. Just tell her sometime around ten to fifteen hours after we get John. **

**GA: Roxy Wants To Know If She Should Mention Dave**

**TT: Does it really matter?**

**GA: Apparently So Though I Have No Idea Why Or How**

**GA: Would You Just Like To Parley With Your Mother Rather Than Me Relaying What Should Be Said Between The Two Of You**

**TT: I was hoping to just be able to speak with you, but I guess, if it'll save time and energy. **

**GA: Roxy Said That She Just Stopped Talking With Your Mother For You**

**- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] -**

**.**

**- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering Future tipsyGnostalgic [FTT] at 7:40 - **

**.**

**TT: Well?**

**FTG: wheres the minivan**

**TT: It's here with me. We had to bring it here to pick up John.**

**FTG: where the fuck ar u**

**FTG: *are**

**TT: Two states away. **

**FTG: so u had to take eveyerone**

**FTG: *everyone**

**TT: Are you drunk?**

**FTG: no! im just too hung over to spell right **

**FTG: *!**

**TT: I think that's a first right there.**

**FTG: what**

**TT: You actually misspelled a punctuation mark. How does that even happen?**

**FTG: very easily apparently**

**FTG: just hurry home**

**TT: Whatever. I'm going out for breakfast with Kanaya. Feel free to not message me until you have a better understanding of what's happening from somebody else. **

**.**

**- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering Future tipsyGnostalgic [FTG] -**

**.**

**FTG: wow rude much**

After Rose logs off of Pesterchum she gets up and leaves the hospital. If Dave is ready to go before she gets back, oh well. He shouldn't have broken his fingers.

.

* * *

.

What does Other Mom expect Mom to do? Finish this list? Mom hopes not. There's no possible way for anyone who happens to be suffering a hangover to finish a list like this. Nevertheless, Mom took an oath to do whatever's best for her family. This list might not be whatever's best. "Is it, Rose?"

"Yes. If you finish everything on this list, this family will become rich and never need to work again." Well, crap. It looks like she does, in fact, have to do everything on the list.

_Let's see … Number One: Locate YOUR minivan._ Well, that shouldn't be too difficult, right? Perhaps not. Mom goes through a complex (for her) thought process that leads her to Pesterchum.

.

**-** **Future tipsyGnostalgic [FTG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 7:20 -**

.

**FTG: hey i need to know where the minivan is**

**TG: roses or urs?**

**TG: because roses is in the shop getting fixed **

**TG: it should probably be done by now**

**FTG: i know that! im talkin about mine.**

**TG: we took it**

**FTG: why**

**TG: we wnet on a joyride**

**TG: *went**

**FTG: bring it back!**

**TG: thats goin to be difficult**

**FTG: y?**

**TG: hold on let me talk to rose about this**

**TG: okay nm shes not here**

**TG: neither is dave**

**TG: wait kanaynays talkin to her**

**FTG: kanaynay :?**

**TG: its my new nickname for kanaya**

**FTG: thats stupid**

**TG: ur stupid**

**TG: wait**

**TG: i think i just called myself stupid**

**TG: yea im stupid.**

**TG: apparently rose has the minivan**

**TG: kanaynay says to just talk to her**

**TG: apparently shes tired of relayin messages or whatever**

**FTG: uh huh**

**.**

**- Future tipsyGnostalgic [FTG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -**

**.**

And thus, we reread the part of a conversation that we already saw by scrolling up … unless the reader would rather the author retype that part of the conversation, which he wont, by the way.

Now that the reader has reread that last part of Mom's conversation about the minivan, we can get back to the present, when she is currently sitting on the couch, sipping on a martini. "But Other Mom just got rid of all the alcohol," you ask. You also have to take into consideration that Adult Roxy is a chronic alcoholic. She has a hidden stash somewhere in the house. It's so secret that not even the author knows where it is. She keeps it for emergencies such as this one. She just hopes that Adult Rose doesn't decide that ten minutes of sleep is enough for one day. Otherwise she's busted. After finishing most of her martini, she looks at number two on the list. "Pick up Rose's minivan from the auto repair garage," she reads aloud. "Okay, number three …" she decides to set number two aside for later. Driving and hangovers don't mix very well.

"But why is Rose's minivan in the auto repair garage," you ask out of curiosity and the sheer absence of common sense. Well, looking back to Chapter 11, you will see that John, Rose, and everyone else was found by Dad just before they were ripped to shreds by a group of wild trolls. A couple miles back from that spot, the minivan was found later that day with seats shredded, flooring torn, windows broken, and a few parts, such as tires, rotors, brakes, and a few important, hard-to-reach lines missing. It was determined that another group, if not part of a larger group that the one that almost attacked the kids was a part of, found the automated vehicular device and ravaged it. It took a couple days, but the minivan was finally completely repaired and ready to be taken back. Now, Back to Original Roxy.

"Number three …" she reads to herself, "No, just … just no." She can't believe what she's reading. She takes a look at the list again, just to make sure the martini isn't messing with her vision.

_3. Get rid of your "secret" alcohol stash._

Just … how? How could Other Mom possibly know about her stash. She means, it isn't like she just goes about sneaking off somewhere all day long to refill her martinis and all that other stuff … oh, wait … yeah, yeah she does … And all this time she thought she was being sneaky about it. She just has to be sneakier next time.

.

* * *

.

In another household that we've already visited a couple times before, a human has just woken up to the feeling of someone breathing on them.

Enter Name:** Don't even think about it.**

"Oh my gog! What the, please pardon my language, 'fuck' is wrong with you?" Kankri backs away with a horrified look on his face. The human sitting on the couch has no idea why the troll is acting in such a weird manner, so he just replicates the same look on his face.

Minutes earlier, Kankri woke up from a rather peaceful dream about equality through all different types of species and blood colors. He went to the bathroom and did his business while reminiscing about said dream and wearing a smile that would look just plain creepy to anyone who would happen to walk in on him relieving himself. After he got out, he went back to the spare bedroom and covered his indecency with a hot pink robe lent to him by the Striders, supposedly for the "irony". He does hope that they have enough sense to know that they aren't even correctly using the word. He doesn't care about the color of the robe, however, because in doing so, he would be hypocritical, saying that one color is inferior to the rest. And that is something that Kankri "the Insufferable" Vantas does not tolerate. So he wears it with pride.

Passing the living room on his way to the kitchen, he noticed a pale stranger sprawled out on the couch. He didn't immediately recognize the face, so he moved closer for a better look. The face looked familiar, but he thought that it was impossible. There's no way it could be who he thought it was, until his steady, curious breaths caused the creature to wake up. As soon as eye contact was made, Kankri realized immediately who it is and backed away, trying to suppress a panicked look.

But seriously, there's only one person that can look at you with eyes burning with the hatred of a thousand hells while pulling off a straight, possibly confused face. Did you guess yet?

Enter Name: Karkat Vantas

**Hold on, I'll be back in a few hours after the hospital confirms I'm not having a stroke or anything. **

**Reader: *Waits a few hours for the author to actually return from the hospital while continuing to observe the characters and their reactions …***

"Wha—" Karkat goes to say, but can't for some reason. Instead, all that comes out of his mouth is air.

"Karkat! Can you hear me?! Can you speak?!" Kankri is now grabbing the human by his shoulders and shouting in his face. He is worried, but for what? So what if Karkat turns into a human one night? "Okay, listen to me! Don't panic!"

"Well, it's kind of hard not to panic when you're acting like this!" That's what Karkat wants to say, but can't. So he just stares at his dancestor with a confused expression, eyes still burning with the hatred of a thousand hells. What? He can't help it. He was hatched this way. Okay, now probably isn't the time to quote Troll Lady Gaga songs.

Kankri momentarily takes his hands off of Karkat's shoulders to pace around nervously. As far as he knew, there wasn't any way for someone to transform into a different species, unless they're a human "skinwalker," or a "werewolf." Wait … were wolf … were … no, he just lost his train of thought. What was he doing? Oh yeah, he was panicking and being hypocritical about it.

Casey was kind of forced by the Bros to stay the night. Mainly so they can keep her in check. She is to be taken back to her own home later.

She is woken by the shouting of a certain red-blooded troll. Her immediate thoughts are that he's hungry and wants to eat her, so she ducks underneath blankets because that's never the most obvious freaking hiding place out there. She listens in fear that it's coming closer, but to her surprise, it isn't directed toward her. "Okay, listen to me! Don't panic!" What? Of course she's going to panic. A troll wants to freaking eat her. But the particular troll that owns that voice didn't seem all too violent, that is, until he got pissed at her for not following directions. He stared at her with literal flames burning in his eyes. And she thought her daddy's grumpy boyfriend's death glare was demonic and terrifying. But right now, the voice seems worried, almost panicked itself. What. A. Hypocrite. She slowly gets up as to not make any loud, possibly deadly noises and sneaks out of her room into the hallway. She stops just before she enters the living room, making sure that it was clear before she advances farther. All she hears is breathing, until she is taken from behind. She would let out a yelp, but her captor has his hand over her mouth and telling her to be quiet. It turns out to be Other Bro. At least she has someone to protect her if the troll decides to attack.

She also decides that she is now scared of Other Bro. He isn't wearing his shades like he normally does, allowing her to look directly into his eyes, which she sees is a deep crimson color. He must feel her beginning to shake because he sets her down behind him to get a better look at the scene in the living room. He doesn't have any shitty katanas or anything like that, which causes the little girl to be worried that he won't be able to protect her after all … not that he would in the first place, being some demonic creature of the night with red eyes and all.

After a moment's hesitation, Other Bro silently walks into the living room, the troll inside unaware of his presence. The human, however, watches him closely. Other Bro doesn't seem to register the fact that a certain red-blooded troll is no more, which is evident when he stops Kankri from whatever he is doing to ask what the fuck is so wrong that he's waking up the entire town.

"Karkat is a human! Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against your species, but the fact that a troll just turned into a human just strikes me as odd and worrying."

"Yeah, Cronus would be jelly."

"What?"

"I said Cronus would be jelly."

"Why?"

"'Cause jam don't shake." Okay, that wasn't very good, but it has to be admitted that it's funny. Sometimes Dave, no matter how old, must do this. He can't help it if he's just that good at cracking jokes.

"David, I don't see how any sort of human food products can even be remotely related to the matter at hand. Something like this must be dealt with caution and care. Are you laughing at me?" Kankri stares at the elder Strider with his arms folded across his chest, clearly unamused at the jokes.

"No, dude. I'm laughing at that joke." Kankri rolls his eyes. "But seriously, you're scaring the shit out of Casey."

"How so? If she had any sort of common sense, she would realize that we are not the Alternian trolls. Well, Karkat is—was, but he wasn't as bad."

"Whatever, just … she hasn't had very good experiences with trolls, I don't think, and she's been brainwashed that all trolls are the devil or some shit."

"Whatever this "devil" is, I have no idea."

"Look, just stop shouting so we can all get some sleep."

"I can't." Kankri apparently has yet to realize that he isn't the only person in the house. "I have to make sure that everyone knows not to panic, otherwise—"

"You were just panicking!"

"I was not!"

Karkat, who is completely fed up with Kankri's shit, and somewhat surprised that Dave is actually being responsible for once, jumps up and tries to shout at the both of them. "EVERYONE JUST SHUT YOUR BULGESUCKING PROTEIN CHUTES AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" Well, that's what it sounded like in his head, anyway. In reality, it was just a bunch of strained, breathy wheezes and what sounded like a goose honk. Kankri and Other Bro turn and look at him as he dances around, making all these weird noises while thinking he's shouting. Casey watches from the hallway. If this whole thing weren't completely terrifying, she would be finding it somewhat funny. No, scratch that, she does find it funny—more than just somewhat. Karkat hears her giggling and looks up with anger making itself present on his face. He stomps over to the girl, who just laughs harder at him. Apparently, stomping over to somebody while extremely confused, angry and your boy-parts flopping around everywhere isn't all that threatening.

When he gets to Casey, she's rolling around on the floor, laughing her metaphorical ass off. He places his hands on his hips and glares at the girl until she finally quits laughing and looks back up at him, giggles threatening to break free from her lips. "Uh, Karkat," Other Bro says, preventing a flood of harsh words from flowing into Karkat's mind at Casey. The now-human glares back.

"I think she would take you more seriously if you were covering your indecency." There's no doubt about it. Other Bro is trying to suppress laughter himself. Now without his shades, his face can be read like a book. At first, Casey's daddy's grumpy human boyfriend doesn't believe him. That is, until he looks down. As soon as he sees it, his eyes go wide and his face turns bright red. His hands cover himself and he runs into the nearest space where his now human boy parts won't be exposed to anybody. This space just so happens to be a closet.

"Well, I guess I better get him something to wear," Other Bro says to no one in particular. He then turns to Kankri. "Do you remember if we brought his stuff?"

"Uh, I think Cronus went back to get it," the troll responds, somewhat confused at what exactly just happened.

"Great. Well, I'll just be heading back and getting dressed myself. I'm not going to spend all day in a pair of boxers. Unless everyone wants me to.

"No, please, just … just go," Kankri says, trying his hardest to not make eye contact with the elder Strider. "Those things on your chest are starting to freak me out." Knowing Dave, no matter what his age, that was the wrong thing to say. Other Bro can't help it. He sees the opportunity and takes it.

"What? They're only nipples," he exclaims as though it's the greatest thing in existence. "Even Karkat has them now, apparently! Come on, feel them." He moves toward Kankri and gets his chest as close to the troll as he can manage. The latter however, doesn't find it funny and tries to stop it.

"No, human, whatever your name is! Just go put on some clothes!" Kankri tries to push Adult Dave away, trying his best to keep from touching the pink nubs on the human's chest.

"Not until you feel."

"No!"

"Yes."

"N9!"

"Yes."

"NO!" Kankri shoves the human against the wall, sparks threatening to ignite his eyes once more. Casey runs and takes cover in the nearest place she can find. This nearest place just so happens to be Karkat's closet. He didn't lock the door.

Dave stands up, surprised at the troll's strength. But that doesn't stop him. He manages to get close enough to stretch out his arm, holding his hand out to the troll. "Okay, okay, I'll stop. Just … can … can we call it a truce?" Kankri eyes the gesture suspiciously. He isn't too familiar with human customs, and trolls definitely never offered another one of their appendages, unless they were ready to pail. Wonk wonk. Nevertheless, he cautiously takes the hand in his own, and is surprised when Other Bro shakes it. He's relieved and lets his guard down just before the human tightens his grip on the troll's hand to grab his wrist. He then pulls the troll over to him and places the trolls hand on his left nipple, forcing the troll to feel it. The look on Kankri's face is priceless. It's a mixture of horror, confusion, rage, and disgust. The troll is too stunned to move.

After a few minutes, Other Bro whispers seductively into Kankri's ear, "Thanks. Now I can go get dressed. If you enjoyed this, there's another one on the other side," and heads into his own bedroom to put some clothes on. He leaves the troll in the middle of the living room. Kankri turns, shudders violently, and makes his way over to the kitchen sink. He thinks about washing his hands, but is unsure as to whether or not it's actually necessary. Really, what exactly are nipples? Do they like, secrete some sort of toxin or something? He then remembers that Karkat is in a relationship with a human, and his scent tells Kankri that they've are active pailers. So, perhaps it's safe? Eh, he guesses it's best to wash his hands, just to be safe.

.

* * *

.

John must be dreaming, but why this?

The troll sits in a rather comfortable chair across a coffee table from a familiar figure who is typing on a laptop. The figure's right leg is crossed over its left, providing sufficient support for the portable computation device. What its typing about is completely unknown to John. Surrounding the two of them is darkness reminiscent of the Furthest Ring. John and the figure sit in silence as it types away on its laptop. Despite having eyes, its face holds a look of concentration, as if it shouldn't be bothered by anything, for anything. The figure rock in its own chair as it ceases its typing momentarily, then resumes typing while still rocking.

The deathly silence around them makes john feel as though he is not an invited party in this. But if he isn't, then why hasn't this character shooed him away? Instead, it just seems to ignore him as it concentrates on the screen. Suddenly, out of nowhere, John's favorite song, _Master Passion Greed_, begins playing extremely loudly, echoing through the seemingly endless void around them. John jumps almost completely out of his chair and the figure flinches extremely noticeably, as if it wasn't expecting the loud burst of music, though it should have. Annoyed at the sudden outburst, it snaps its fingers and the music seems to stop completely, prompting John to unwittingly complain.

"Why'd you do that? You know that's my favorite song!" Shit, perhaps that wasn't the right thing to do considering this creature can easily tear him to shreds.

"I did it because it's annoying. And I could've redirected it to where only you can hear it, but that would be impossible considering we are already deep in your subconscious." The creature continued to type without even taking a second thought as he talked. "We'll wait until your friends decide to play more classy music. Perhaps a waltz melody would be nice, if only they could take the hint."

"So, you won't get mad if I talk?"

"Why should I? I'm a guest in your subconscious. I haven't the right. I'm also omniscient, which helps with multitasking." Beq doesn't even look up from the screen.

John waits a few minutes before he says something else. He wants to make sure that it is okay to talk. Like, one hundred percent okay. "So, uh, how, exactly, did you get here?" he can't hide the nervousness in his voice. He slumps down a little bit in his chair, expecting a good, hard slap in the face for doing something wrong.

"Well, first of all, you need to calm your nonexistent tits before I do slap the troll out of you. Secondly, my power allows me to teleport anywhere in the universe. Technically, your subconscious is a place, being a manifestation of your brain and the way it works." Well, that's a relief. "Now, I know you have some questions, so start asking before I jolt your fuzzy gray ass awake and decide to never interfere again."

Okay, John doesn't ever remember the First Guardian ever acting like this. First he starts off seeming to be all formal, now he's slowly beginning to transition into ghetto. "Okay," John starts, wanting to not waste anymore time, "what are you typing?"

"That's classified, ask again later." Beq chuckles at his own joke. John, however, doesn't find it funny. "Seriously, what are you typing," he asks again.

"Fine, if you must know, I'm recording all of the events that are currently happening to you and your friends. But don't worry, I'm not the author of this messed up tale."

"What?"

"Nothing. I said nothing about there being an author."

"No, what do you mean, author?"

"I never said that."

"Yes you did."

"When?"

"Just now."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Prove it." Beq raises his head to … uh, look at John. All the while his fingers keep tapping away at the lettered keys on the keyboard. "Are you seriously thinking about ways to make me screw up on saying something?"

"So what if I am?"

"But I can read your thoughts." Beq gives John a genuinely confused look. John subconsciously congratulates himself inside his subconscious. He masked his own intentions by thinking. That only works with mind readers. Remember that, kids. Right now, with the way his eyeless face looks, despite the fact that he's eight feet tall and pretty much a monstrosity, Beq's face looks like the face of a puppy dog that so desperately needs to be petted. So that's what he does. John gets up out of his chair and makes his way behind Beq. "John, don't do it," the beast warns. John moves his hand closer to Beq's head. "John, really, don't pet me."

"But I bet you feel fluffy," John says as his hand inches closer.

Commence epic cute John/First Guardian moment:

"John, I said don't freaking pet me." Beq is getting annoyed now, but puts up no resistance to John as the troll scratches the area behind the cue ball catdog's ears. The sensation is, as can be described by any dog, "like an orgasm, only better." And John was right. Beq's fur is fluffy. And soft. Fluffy and soft and strawberry-scented …

Well, Beq seems to be enjoying more than he anticipated. Within seconds, John can hear a soft purring, almost as soft and loving as the purr he gets when he scratches the back of Karkat's head, behind his horns. Apparently, the sensation is so good that Beq can't even keep still. His hands clench into fists and his legs move around, almost as if he was a cat, trying to flex his muscles and lift his tail up high. It makes John think that if Beq was on all fours, he would crawl around John like a kitty cat. Or roll on his back and have John pet and scratch his belly.

But epic cute moment aside, John is just now realizing that he feel like he's in hell. Literally. He feels an intense burning sensation all over his body. This stops the scratching, much to Beq's dismay. Getting back to what's important, he comes out of his bliss-filled daze and takes John back over to his chair. Going back to where he was sitting and pulling a bowl and spoon out from under the coffee table, he hands it to John and tells him to eat the contents of said bowl. John, gaining enough control to settle down, looks at the familiar green substance. "Uh, what is it?"

"Sopor slime." Beq grins at John. "I brought that for you for this exact reason."

"But, isn't this stuff for like, sleeping? I thought this was toxic." John stirs the spoon around the slime in the bowl.

"Yes, it's true that it isn't necessarily meant for consumption in the troll universe …" Beq trails off but quickly speaks again. "I think you'll be surprised. It will help with the burning." He smiles at John, who continues to just stare at the lime green substance taking up about half the volume of the bowl. "Eat it," Beq urges. After a moment's hesitation, he gets just a tiny amount on the tip, fearful of the taste, which Karkat has told him is like eating a burned oinkbeast glazed with rotten eggs.

Beq was right. John is surprised—not at the flavor, but the texture, the thickness, the … everything. "It's pudding," he says.

"Yes. I did say that it wasn't made for _troll _consumption. The reality of it is that all sopor slime is is human pudding. Although trolls only came up with one flavor, it's the same thing. I can guarantee that once you're done with that, you will be completely loopy. It also helps with pain. It has a weird effect with trolls though. You remember when you made chocolate pudding for Karkat on his seventeenth birthday?"

"Yes," John said, inhaling the lime-flavored pudding.

"Didn't you notice he was acting a little strange a couple hours later?"

"Yeah, he acted like he was drunk. We were all worried, but he came out of it."

"That's because no matter what flavor, pudding is still sopor slime. He ingested enough to give him the effect of eating an eighth of one of Gamzee's pies." Beq goes back to typing on his laptop when john finishes his pudding slime. Beq was right again. Almost instantly the pudding has him numb as a dead body.

"So …" John trails off.

"You have about ten minutes before the full effect of the pudding kicks in and you start acting like it's your first time overdosing on LSD."

"Okay, uh, what should I ask?"

"Anything you want."

"Okay, uh, what was all that pain about?" John looks at Beq, and for a moment, the First Guardian doesn't respond.

"Well, you remember when I said you both would know when the transformation is complete, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I forgot to mention that shortly before then, the two weretrolls will become psychically entangled. This means that they experience every significant emotion, sensation, or anything else as the other does. You felt the final transformation."

"But I also felt Karkat holding my hand, and I also felt it crack. I didn't hurt him, did I?" John suddenly becomes more worried about anything than ever. All his mind can think about now is Karkat.

Beq's face changes into a look of disappointment. "No, and for somewhat good reason." John knows by Beq's tone and expression that said reason can't be good.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Well, it all depends, do you think you'll be able to get over it and keep your friendship with whoever did it alive?" Beq looks at John almost as if he didn't want to answer this question, and in reality, he was dreading it. He knows what will happen. He just wants to make sure John can handle it, which he doesn't believe.

"It all depends, I guess."

"John, you need to know. I don't want to ruin a friendship. Two, if you want to be technical." Beq is spared some time to think about how he'll answer. You know how that saying goes, Saved by the Sopor Slime, or whatever. Before John can answer, the sopor slime kicks in with full effect. And his subconscious form passes out in his subconscious. Subconciousception. And thus, we leave the two alone in John's head to give Beq time to think and dread John's sober waking moment.

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* * *

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"Eugh, you aren't actually going to eat that, are you," Roxy asks Terezi.

"Why not? I've walked in on him and Karkat and Karkles didn't seem to mind having a meal out of it."

"But that's them … wait, what?!" Jade gags. She does NOT need to know what her brother and Karkat do in their spare time. "I don't think I'll be able to look at them the same way again."

"But you don't just eat whatever's coming out of someone's body! This isn't two girls one cup!" Roxy probably said that too loud, but whatever. It's true.

"I don't know what that means and I don't even want to," Jade says, looking at Roxy. Ms. Paint looks confused, but she would have to agree with the human girls on this one. Eating someone's bodily excrement is just plain wrong no matter if it comes out the ass, the urinary tract, the mouth, the nose, or the … ears. Yes, the bodily excrement in question here is, in fact, sputtering out of John's troll ears. One minute he's all peaceful, the next, lime green stuff is coming out of his bandages. Ms. Paint took the bandages off John's head and the stuff, whatever it is, is coming out of his ears.

"Uh, Terezi," Jade asked, "is this normal for trolls?" Needless to say, Terezi was shocked at the scene as well. And ever since, she has wanted to taste it. Lime green is one of her favorite flavors.

"Look, I just want one taste," Terezi complains.

No one's stopping you! We won't watch, but we won't stop you!" Jade turns around, but Roxy watches like she can't look away.

"Fine, whatever!" Terezi bends down next to John's ear. The stuff has a familiar scent. Perhaps it's just the color. Instead of licking it directly off the side of John's head, she takes her pinky finger and digs some out of his ear and licks it off her finger. She gives it a moment to set in, to allow the taste to disperse. After thinking it over, she realizes what it is. "Guys, it's sopor slime." This takes both girls off guard, but Roxy looks the most disgusted. You would be too if you just watched Terezi do that.

"So sopor slime is ear wax," Roxy asks.

"Apparently," Terezi says.

"No wonder you trolls don't like the taste, but I always thought ear wax was like, not green," Jade says with a disgusted look on her face. Thinking back over what all she knows about sopor slime, she realizes something. "Hey, uh, Terezi, sopor slime can help heal injuries, can't it?"

"Yeah, why?"

Ms. Paint, being the boss she is, knows where Jade is going. "That means that we could rub his burns with it," she speaks up. Duh, Terezi.

"So, what are we waiting for, Roxy asks. "The faster he heals, the faster he wakes up and the better everything will be!" She is the first to start smearing the stuff around. First they cover John's face. Then Ms. Paint takes off the bandages on his chest and they rub the slime on his chest. Then his legs … oh … uh … "Who wants to do there," she asks. The four feminine creatures stare at the nook before them. It's stained with dried genetic material, giving it a blue-is appearance. "I say you do," Roxy says. "You're the one that bandaged it."

"Yeah, but I didn't actually touch it," Ms. Paint retaliates.

"Okay, we could just leave it and have him do that particular area himself when he wakes up," Jade says.

"I like that idea," Roxy agrees. And with that said, they do his thighs and leave him to rest. Once the sopor slime takes its effect, it should only take about four hours, according to Terezi's calculations, for the burns to completely heal. Sopor slime works extremely quickly.

"So what do we say when he wake's up and sees us staring at his naughty parts," Roxy asks after a moment of silence.


	35. Chapter 34: Dirk and KK's Deal

"If I was truly omniscient I would know why I'm still here," Beq mutters to himself as a high-as-Gamzee subconscious iteration of John's subconscious rambles on about absolutely nothing in particular. Even though this was to be expected, and even foreseen by Beq himself, it is annoying as fuck. Why did he even come here in the first place … wait … yeah, to keep John company. Trolls that fall into comas tend to go crazy from the apparent isolation, and lack of knowledge about what the fuck is actually happening.

"And … you know … it's just … it's just like, you know?" What?

"Yes, John, for the eighteenth time, I know." He doesn't know. "Now, please put your clothes back on. I'm tired of having to see you in your underwear." Yeah, like John's actually going to do that. "Why couldn't he just wake up already," Beq mutters once again. Unfortunately, he has another half hour yet to wait for that glorious moment.

"So, now that that's out of the way … Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." Great, now John decides to use grammar perfectly. Unfortunately, that perfect grammar seemingly makes absolutely no fucking sense.

"John, buffalo from Buffalo do not buffalo other buffalo from Buffalo. It's kind of hard for buffalo to buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Or anywhere else the buffalo come from." Oh great, now he has Beq doing it. "Great, now you have me all buffaloed."

"Hehe." John rolls back on his back, holding his legs in the Indian style position he was sitting in. "I never noticed how dark the inside of my head is. Hehe." He pauses for a few moments. "Why? I mean … it's so dark that I can see colors." Really?! "Come to think of it, what is the darkest thing people can see?"

"Anything represented by the Hex code: #000000. Really, John, with you knowing how to build websites and memorizing all these codes, I would have expected you to know that." Beq facepalms. He stopped trying to control the new troll an hour ago. This was NOT in the First Guardian job description. He decides to go back to recording all the events taking place so that the readers may witness them while they wait for the author to return from the ER, so, in a way, he was lying when he said he isn't the author. Instead, he is a temporary replacement, like John Oliver on _The Daily Show with John Stewart._

"So," John says as soberly as his high-as-Gamzee self can manage, "What were you going to tell me b4 this?" He turns his head toward the First Guardian behind the laptop. Beq considers answering. After all, this could be the only time to tell him without him actually remembering it.

"Uh, well, I was going to say that bingo isn't a language."

"No you weren't! I know that's a lie right now. There aint no possibly way that you cood no how im ta-taa-alalalalal … that's a weird sound … alalalalalalalalalalalalal …" This pains the poor-fortuned First Guardian to even consider writing this, however, in accordance to the readers' enjoyment, I must. I hope you enjoy my pain you ungrateful oafs.

I'm terribly sorry that I said that. I'm just frustrated. Actually, you know what, this is frustrating—writing in third person point of view when I'm right here. So, from now until I decide to change the topic over to anything outside this pathetic troll's subconscious, I will write like this—in first person. Just. Because. I. Can.

As previously mentioned, it pains me to type this. Yes, because I am, well, I have determined by recent events that I am only mostly omniscient, I know exactly how he is spelling his voiced words. I also know what he wants to know. I am just being hesitant on answering. I know how he's going to react, and though it would be amusing on my behalf, I do not wish to destroy friendships, no matter how inevitable.

"Are you finished with your sound exploration," I ask John in an obviously annoyed tone.

"Maybee … wait … bee—are there any bees here?"

"What? No, I don't think so, anyway … …" Seriously, do any of you know what he could possibly be talking about? I don't see what bees have to do with any of this. Please, any sort of help in understanding this newly hermaphroditic boy would be greatly appreciated. I'm beginning to think that his sole purpose in existence is to confuse me.

"Aw, that's tooo baaaaaaaad. I wuz reely wanting som mined hunny." By now, he's standing right next to me, watching me type this and it's kind of creeping me out. But I don't think he cares. SERIOUSLY, JOHN! TAKE THE FREAKING HINT AND GO SIT BACK DOWN! … Aaaand he's still here. Okay, you want to know what I was about to tell you before you blacked out and woke up like this?"

"Yes." He rocks on his heels and the balls of his feet, giving the laptop screen a rather creepy stare, kind of like this:

John, that is really creepy, please go sit down. Then I'll tell. No, not right here, over on your chair. "Thank you," I say when he finally complies. Right now, some help in telling him would be greatly appreciated.

"Sssssoooooo0o00o0000oo … ?"

"Was that really necessary?" An eternity in your human "Hell" probably wouldn't be as bad a torture as this.

"Yes."

"Well, it's probably a good thing you're sitting down for this—"

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!" Okay, that was kind of scary. It pains me to admit that I never knew he could sound as demonic as he did with that, but nevertheless, I didn't, which is making me even more nervous to tell him. I may not know much about this hermaphroditic boy, but I do know that his reaction won't be good.

"Okay … uh … well, it wasn't Karkat whose hand you crushed. In fact, he is over at the Striders' house. Ironically, the owner of the hand you crushed is a Strider." I give John a nervous grin and study his reaction. So far, it is more neutral than anything. "John, please understand that your friend just worried for you. He would never do anything to hurt you or your matespritship with Karkat. He just wanted to get close to you and comfort you when you needed it." I await the inevitable reply in silence. After a few minutes, I leave him alone. In his subconscious to inform the girls outside his head that he should be kept away from Dave.

Their reactions are no less than priceless as I materialize right in front of them. I take a quick look at John's unconscious body before speaking. It has taken the full appearance and qualities of a natural-blooded troll. "Keep him away from Dave. Even though he is high, he can still comprehend." I give a saddened look before teleporting to my mansion. From here, I continue to record events.

.

Jade, Roxy, Terezi and Ms. Paint look confused. What exactly did I mean by that, they wonder. Why should John be kept away from Dave? If the First Guardian tells them to do something, they know to heed it. Roxy gets out her phone to pester Rose just before she and Kanaya walk in the room, stomachs full and a little grossed out by the pudding-covered body in front of them. "Uh, what is going on here," Kanaya asks.

"We covered John with the powerful soothing and healing agent known as sopor slime," Terezi says with a mischievous smile.

"Okay, where did you get sopor slime?"

"I don't know. It just started oozing out of his ears."

"So sopor slime is earwax?"

"I don't know! I'm just as confused as you are!" Terezi looks at Kanaya with a glare that says, "Gog, you are such an idiot." She, as well as Roxy, Jade, and Kanaya, would be lying to say that she isn't surprised at Rose's silence. Rose, however, couldn't be more distracted, and rather pissed off at a certain ecto-brother, to notice anything. "Alright, Dave, you can just stay behind then, if that's what you like to do," she shouts at her phone before turning it off and shoving it violently into her pocket. It is at this time Ms. Paint decides to speak up.

"Uh, child, would you mind following me into the kitchen," she says in a soft, motherly tone—almost mocking Kanaya's.

"I don't feel like talking to anyone right—"

"I said follow me into the kitchen. Now!" And the soft, motherly tone is gone just like that (Imagine that you just saw/heard me snap my claws.). Rose gives an annoyed sigh and begrudgingly makes her way through the small hallway into the kitchen. "What?"

"I know that you're stressed, but you don't have to take it out on your poor little mobile talking device. Or, at least I hope you just named it Dave and weren't actually talking about Dave."

"No, I was talking about Dave." Rose really doesn't need this, but maybe someone else psychoanalyzing her for once would be a nice change. She must have a lot of pent feelings that she needs to get off her chest. "You know, sometimes he can be a real ass!"

"Well, from what I saw from him, he doesn't really seem like it." Ms. Paint give Rose a kind smile. It's like she can just turn it on and off at her own will. She places a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure whatever he did couldn't possibly be that bad."

"Really? What did you see out of him?" Rose gives Ms. Paint an annoyed glare.

"Well, here, let's sit down at the table." She drags Rose over to the small table that just barely escaped being the flambé that was John. "There. I think this is much more comfortable than standing?"

"Just get on with it!"

"Okay, uh, well he had this kind personality. He was really caring and comforting to John while he was in there with him." Ms. Paint pauses and gives a kind smile as she thinks back about an hour or so ago to those moments.

"Go on," Rose pushes, annoyed at the carapacian's silence.

"Right, now where was I? Oh, he seemed to really worry over John. He sang ever so softly in his ear, almost beckoning him to wake up. I thought that he was even being softer about it than what I was, but it actually seemed to work a little bit, well, after he started kissing him."

"And there's the grubfucking problem! Dave can't keep his goddamn hormones in check enough to control himself when he's alone with John!" Rose slams her fists down on the table hard enough to bruise her hands.

"What do you mean?" Ms. Paint is utterly confused.

"I mean that Dave's face has no right to be in any sort of proximity that close to John's! John isn't dating Dave! Ugh, sometimes I just wish that murder was legal!" Rose gets up and stomps back over to Spades's room with the others to wait for John's awakening, leaving Ms. Paint to rethink her people skills.

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* * *

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Okay, if it wasn't for me forgetting to record this in much more detail, even putting in more parts that happened, say, more dialogue (I know I'm an idiot, so shut up.), this would make so much more more sense. Ugh, dammit, I typed "more" twice. And now I'm just going to start stating the obvious. Yes, "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's the First Guardian, Captain barkmeowing Obvious!" I should really get back to the story right now. But had it not been for me telling John about Dave's slip up, Roses shoutment (hehe, like a statement, but shouted. Get it?) would have taken him by complete surprise and he would have instantly woken (not really) and found his way to the hospital to personally pull Dave's rectum out through his mouth, and then break his hand … again. And then his feet, and legs, and other hand, and arms, and ribs, and spine, and then finish him off by snapping his neck. Yeah, he's that pissed, even though he's high beyond any sort of recognition right now. What makes it even worse is that trolls have an excellent memory and a tendency to become violent when pissed.

In fact, right now, he's plotting out his revenge on both Dave and Jake. Dave for the obvious reason, and Jake because, well, let's all face it—Grandpa's mouth belongs nowhere near Karkat's junk. Though, I do wish that I could get it through his thick troll skull that Jake's incident was just a misunderstanding and Dave was just worried. Oh well, I guess those two will just have to learn the hard way not to fuck with a troll and his matesprit.

**Author: Thank you for taking over for me while I was in the ER. I do appreciate it and I'm sure the readers do as well. Now, where are we in the story. **

**Beq: You can read through this chapter and figure out by yourself. I am never doing this for you again. I have no freaking clue how you manage to do it. **

**A: It's easy. All you have to do is WATCH AND TYPE. Seriously, you're practically omnipotent and you can't even do that much?!**

**B: Oh shut up and take back responsibility for this stupid thing happening on my stupid planet.**

**A: Okay, technically it's my planet, considering I lived on it long before you. Up yours.**

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The author apologizes for the readers having to put up with the crappy First Guardian, but in his own defense, you all are the reason for him having to leave. Just … never by surprise and correctly guess a character's name ever again. For both yours and his own sake …

Anyway, back to the story. Now, since I, the true author of this charade, feels as though Dirk has suddenly become an attention whore, being as the Texan can't even go a few chapters … okay, eight, but still. Therefore, he apparently must think that in order to gain the author's attention, he must go on some sort of rampage. Long story short, he's wanted for murder. But in his defense, the man put himself out of the misery brought upon him by Dirk's katana.

Fortunately for him, he heeded Jade and, dare he say it, Jake's advice, and always carries around more than one portable computing device. Unfortunately, he fears that Jake may be the only one he can trust in this sort of situation, given that both the elder Striders do not like to hurt anybody, which he could claim hypocrisy on had he been there when Other Bro rescued the group from the fuzz.

As of right now, he is sitting on a branch high up in a pine tree in a dense forest. His exposed eyes are wide with fear: fear of getting lost, fear of being caught, fear of loneliness, and most of all, fear of rejection from everyone else once they learn what he did … which should appear on the six o'clock news later tonight. He runs a hand through his snow-white hair, which has lost its stiff spikes several hours ago from sort-of-forced exercise and sweat. He figures that it's now or never, so he takes off his pants and pulls off his iBriefs, being quick to replace his pants out of another fear—the fear of being caught in the nude. He looks at the screen in the crotch, waiting for the things to turn on. He does this for several minutes before realizing "Oh shit." They are already on, and snapped a picture of his personal area. For being a technological expert, he really needs to learn how to delete pictures, and better yet, not allow them to be sent to other people by his junk, which just so happens to be the case with this particular picture of said junk. He doesn't even want to see who it was sent to, but alas, being the ingenious idiot that he is, he looks anyway. Apparently it was sent to Jane, John, Dave, Rose, Mom, Other Mom, Dad Egbert/Crocker, Sollux, Terezi, Karkat, Kanaya, and Bro. Well, at least it wasn't sent to Jake … Oh, wait … it was. Damn it. Well, there goes his only hope of escape.

"I bet you think you have no more hopes of escape. Am I correct in this assumption?" The sudden voice causes Dirk to jump nearly three feet off the branch. He looks behind him, but the owner of the voice is nowhere to be seen. He turns back around, only to be greeted by the troll that happens to own said voice, and the exact person he would never like to see at a time like this. "You haven't answered my question," the troll says, irritation evident in his voice.

"H-how long have y-you been there?" Dirk backs into the trunk as far as he can manage.

"That doesn't answer my question, fuckass. If you don't want my help in getting back, then I should just leave, right?"

"Since when do you want to help?"

"Since I see the perfect opportunity to get what I want. Now, I can get you back to your house in a vascular-pumpbeat—for a price." The troll grins evilly. His teeth show his wickedness in full detail, and his eyes burn with the hatred of a thousand hells.

"Since when are you a loan shark?" Dirk is beyond nervous. He's heard of things that the Cherry Knight has done to people he doesn't like or that have pissed him off.

"Oh, I don't want money. No, what I want is much more precious. Dirk, I want John's life." The god's evil grin turns into a full evil smile and he gives a slight maniacal laugh. Dirk's eyes widen in horror of what he has just heard.

"What? Why John's? Couldn't you at least want me to kill someone more appropriate—say, for example, Jake? Come on, man, take the hint." He pleads with the troll, eyes like a sad puppy's. Unfortunately, Karkat hates woofbeasts. Even his mortal self does, for no apparent reason.

"Alright, I'll let you deal a great amount of pain to him. But that's it! After you get back home, you won't do anything else to him, alright?!"

"Uh … sure? I don't see how I can hurt him when we aren't even in the same place … "

"Oh, there's a way. Now, do you accept the deal?" godKat stares at the confused Dirk for a few minutes before the latter responds with a "Yeah, as long as I don't get caught by the police or anything."

"Alright. Now, you may feel a little bit of pressure …" godKat snaps a finger and the Strider kid turns into a red liquid and disappears.

.

Back at the Pyrope/Strider household, a young green-eyed boy that answers to the name "Jake English" lies in a bed, fast asleep and dreaming sweet dreams about skulls and adventures and eye sockets and that weird picture that he got from Dirk around midnight, which he guessed meant that Dirk had apologized? But either way, it was weird and it's popping up in his dream a little too close to the eye sockets to be considered a friendly gesture. The sad part about this is that this is a lucid dream. Now, what does that say about Jake's sex life?

Enter Name: Jacob Hiram English

That would be so much more surprising had I not just told you his name like, barely even a paragraph ago. I'm more surprised by the fact that you know his middle name. Now stop showing off your sudden observational skills and read along here.

As previously mentioned, before you, the reader, rudely interrupted the author of this charade, Jake is having a dream that says that he doesn't get laid very much. Or, at least, is suffering from withdrawal from not getting laid in the past however long Dirk has been away. Who knows with those two? They might breed like rabbits, or they might rarely do it at all. This is probably making you uncomfortable. Serves you right for interrupting me with the completely obvious name of the character we are now following …

Suddenly, he is woken by a sharp pain in his genital region. This is probably a good time for him to rethink Terezi's suggestion to get tested for any sort of STD, though everyone is pretty sure Dirk doesn't have anything. What Jake is feeling now, however, points toward the contrary.

He reaches down to grab Little Jakey, because, that's what everyone does when they're in pain—they grab whatever's hurting and that seems to always help. Well, that doesn't help now, especially when his hand notices a certain wetness to the area. Yeah, he probably should get checked. "Oh, well, perhaps it was just a wet dream," he says to himself before he feels the wetness spreading like wildfire, which is what it also feels like in his nether region. He doesn't really want to see what it is, and he especially doesn't want to know what's happening to him, but alas, he really needs to, and he knows that he needs to, so he raises one hand up out from under the blanket and turns on the lamp on Dirk's nightstand. He is taken aback by the sight before his face. When he looks at his hand, he sees that it's covered in blood. He rips off the blanket to find that his human bulge is spewing blood everywhere out the little orifice on the very tip. Seconds later, the veins in both of his elbow crooks pop, forming large bruises that break through his skin, shedding even more blood everywhere and causing even more pain. The veins in both his wrists follow suit, and soon, he is writhing in complete pain, blood gushing everywhere: on the floor, on the bed, on the nightstand, etc. He almost lets out a scream, but muffles it in Dirks' pillow, which has somehow gone untouched by the metallic smelling fluid, and somehow gained a rather large dent …


	36. Chapter 35: John's Return

**Author: I feel as though I have stretched on this whole "Rescue John" thing for too long now, so this chapter ends it. Enjoy.**

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.

After what seems like an eternity, the bleeding mysteriously stops as quickly as it had begun. Jake is left feeling weak. That is to say, he had not yet noticed his blood transforming into some horrible, hideous, frightening creature of the ni—he means a figure that looks oddly—damn it—delightfully like Dirk. Of course, also having knocked the lamp over, effectively breaking it, the room is shrouded in darkness—if only Dirk had heard of curtains rather than blankets to cover the blinds and windows. Oh, those silly Striders.

But back to what was happening. Given the fact that its like, eight in the morning or something and the room is shrouded in darkness for no freakin' reason, Jake cannot see the figure which lies next to him on the bed, or, at least, is _forming_ next to him on the bed. Not bothering to look closer, because, well, would you? Really, if you saw something forming out of your blood, the sensible thing to do is to get a closer look at it. Right? Well, apparently a certain Jake English doesn't think so. The frightened boy quickly grabs Dirk's gold-plated katana off the wall above his bed and hops off, sword in hand and ready to strike if the need arises. He watches as the blood comes together on Dirk's bed, forming the shape and leaving no stains behind. The face solidifies and colorizes itself first. The eyes open and look around; the face as a whole has a look of awe, as if this is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to the figure. Soon, the rest of the blood has transformed into the body of a teenage boy, about Jake's age, and looking quite like Dirk. Jake, however, doesn't care if it looks like freaking God because it's still scary as hell and he wants to stab it. All the while the boy has yet to realize fully the situation he's in. He turns and swings his feet over the side of the bed. He sits for a moment before getting up to exit the room. Exit the room he would have, had he not about ran into the edge of an extremely sharp gold-plated shitty sword. Realization hits him like a brick wall at a hundred miles per hour just before the tip of the blade slices his nose in half. His nose catches only a millimeter of wiggle room and his widened eyes cross to look at the offending object, surprise and a hint of terror showing on his face.

Jake's eyes widen as well. Sure, he's known Dirk for quite some time now. He's "known" Dirk (wionk *wonk wonk). But he has never known him to be made of blood, let alone his own. He looks over his boyfriend a couple times, just to make sure it's actually him. Well, now would be a good time to be impotent, but unfortunately, only the much older incarnation of the green-eyed boy holding the golden katana has achieved that luxury. This is proven by the evident tent that is his boxers. He just couldn't wait until their next camping trip. Him being turned on by all this is not a very good thing, mainly because he's holding a razor-sharp katana just barely a millimeter away from Dirk's nose. And it's so. Fucking. Hot. Ladies and gentlemen, Jake English has a new fetish.

Of course, this situation might have been a little bit better, had Dirk's clothes also turned into blood and came with him. Therefore, as of right now, he's not only standing in harm's way, considering that Jake can't control a sword worth a fuck, as proven by several attempts to teach him how to fight, but he's also nude. It is also evident that unlike Jake, this is not a Dirk Strider fetish.

"So … you gonna put the sword down?" Dirk breaks the silence.

Jake thinks for a few seconds before responding. "Well, it all depends, ole chap. Are you going to attack?"

"Only if you don't let me get far away from you before you put the sword down." Okay, Dirk, that was a bitch move. Jake is self-conscious about his sword handling skills. But it probably would be best for the Strider's own safety if he backed away at least ten feet. This is proven by Jake accidentally allowing the sword to slip out of his hand. The sword falls to the floor and gets a new red paint job as it slices Dirk's right leg and foot open. If everyone wasn't awake already, they are now with Dirk's incredibly-manly-for-a-homo cry of pain. Seconds later, Other Bro busts open the door, still having yet to put a shirt on, a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, and a katana at the ready. Of course, his heroic façade is broken when he sees the horrible gash in Dirk's leg. Now, Dave, no matter what age, is not one to panic … wait … I think we may have disproven that when we watched him freak out over a certain John Egbert in a coma. But still, if he sees something bad, he's going to do something about it. Unfortunately, that something just so happens to be panicking.

.

"I still don't understand why you chose now, of all times, to do this." Bro can't be more annoyed at trolls right now—specifically Cronus. Right now, he stands outside the old motel door, waiting for the sea dwelling troll to gather Karkat's stuff so they can get out of there. They've currently been there for three hours now. It would be a wonder why Bro doesn't just go in there and gather up everything for the troll, but it's completely obvious that Dirk, no matter what age, clothing optional, is just too damn fabulous to do any of that shit. Sometimes he wonders if he should just change his name to "Fabio" and get it done and over with. He gives a somewhat annoyed sight, as if to say that he's bored and that this is taking too long, but he couldn't give a rat's ass right now because he's just that cool.

Of course, his being fabulously cool whilst standing just outside the door of an old, run down motel would be interrupted by a phone call from a frantic Other Bro. It goes as follows:

**B: What do you want?**

**OB: dude younger you is back and hes bleeding**

**B: What?**

**OB: hes bleeding everywhere and i dont know what to do**

**B: Get that one troll to heal it. I'm sure he can do something. Or, at least I think he has power over blood. **

**OB: yea youre probably right**

**B: Is that all you wanted?**

**OB: uh let me think about that**

**OB: yes**

**B: Besides, he probably deserves it. I heard on the radio on the way over here that someone who was describes as looking oddly like him is wanted for murder in Oregon. **

**OB: what you dont think that little you did do you**

**B: Well, the suspect's description matches up perfectly with Dirk's looks. I think it's quite possible. Just tell him that I'm disappointed and slap a Band-Aid on the booboo. He'll get over it.**

**OB: dirk its way more than a booboo! his ENTIRE fucking LEG is ripped open!**

**B: That's not my problem. It would be my problem if it was my leg, but it isn't. Now can I just get back to what I was doing?**

**OB: but it is your leg! well technically it is dirks but he is just a younger you so i guess that it is your leg **

**OB: how can you not be worried**

**B: Easily, listen.** With that, Bro hangs up the phone and gets back to fabulously standing outside the door. Five minutes later, Cronus wheels himself out with a couple suitcases on his lap and tells Bro to get the other four. Bro does as told, though mainly because he has nothing better to do now that Other Bro has wasted his time. Yes, Dave, even without any sort of time powers, can somehow find a way to perfectly waste it. Mainly with his own problems.

.

But back to Other Bro's situation …

It appears that the only way for Kankri to heal Dirk's leg is for the latter to be seated next to him and Other Bro to be nowhere near them. Well, it would also help for Dirk to be wearing at least a shirt as well.

"JAKE! HOW COULD YOU LET THE FUCKING SWORD SLIP OUT OF YOUR HAND?! IT'S SOLID FUCKING GOLD!"

"Actually, it's plated with solid fucking gold," Other Bro corrects Dirk. "There is a difference."

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE BECAUSE, AS YOU CAN CLEARLY FUCKING SEE, MY LEG HAS BEEN SLICED COMPLETELY THE FUCK OPEN!" NOW IT IS … **WAIT … Sorry, my bad. I left caps lock on.** Now it is Dirk's turn to glare at everyone with eyes burning with the hatred of a thousand hells. "JUST SEW MY FUCKING LEG UP!" Okay, make that a million hells.

"But don't you think that will hurt without any anesthetics," Other Bro asks nervously.

"MY RAGE IS MY ANESTHETIC!" Yes, Dirk is just so angry that his voice has literally become red text. Or, at least, can only be represented with this particular color. (Of course, you will have to refer to this chapter on AO3 to see this.) "IT'S THE BUTT FUCKING NOVOCAINE TO MY METAPHORICAL FUCKING ROOT CANAL!" Dirk stands on his left leg as he keeps his injured right leg steady as to not cause any more pain than necessary. This was NOT part of the deal. Godkat is going to fucking pay for this someday. That is, unless something happens to make that not happen.

"Okay, just hold still!" Dirk tries his best to obey the command of his version of Bro, but still squirms some. It isn't his fault that he's scared to death of needles, though, that would give rise to the mystery that is the fact that he used to make his own puppets. No, wait, his fear came about after he pricked his thumb. Never mind. "Ugh, Kankri, get your ass in here and help!"

"Not until you put a shirt on," the troll shouts from the living room.

"Are we seriously going to do this now? For fuck's sake, Vantas, Dirk's bleedin' to death in here!"

"Then you can call an ambulance. But until you put a shirt on, I am not going anywhere near you."

"DON'T CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE! I DON'T NEED ANY ATTENTION!" Dirk moves ever so slightly, which causes Other Bro to lose his grip and shove the needle into Dirks' femur. He lets out a sharp cry from the pain. You would too if you just had a needle practically shoved into your bone.

"I told you to hold the fuck still," Other Bro scolds, to which Dirk gives an evil glare in response.

Jake takes this as the time to step into action. If anyone is going to help Other Bro do things around here, it might as well be him since no one else is. Though, beating Dirk in the head with his glass Snoopy bank probably wasn't the best option. Yes, it calmed the young Strider down, but it also shattered a perfectly good Snoopy bank. It would be a safe assumption to make that Other Bro is completely surprised at this new side of Jake. After all, Dirk loved that Snoopy bank. If he didn't have a reason to kill Jake before, he does now. That is, unless somehow they are able to get another one, though they think that may be hard considering they stopped making them, or stopped selling them, anyway. Do you know how expensive it would be to blow glass into the shape of the famous beagle that is Snoopy? Other Bro doesn't, but he thinks it would be rather expensive.

Ain't no one fucks with Dirk's Snoopy bank.

Ain't no one.

.

* * *

.

**Commence random time jump about fifteen minutes to the time when John wakes up …**

You, as the reader, decide to jump ahead about fifteen minutes into the future to witness John awakening from his burn induced coma, healed by the pudding—I mean … sopor slime. Of course, just because he wakes up doesn't mean the burns are going to be healed. They are just going to be healed enough to where he'll be able to not be in the lowest possible state of consciousness.

All around the room, everyone, well, the people that are there, anyway, wait for the new troll to wake up in what they expect to be around three hours or so. Rose, however, can't get the thought of Dave making out with an unconscious John out of her mind. It's a good thing John wasn't actually dead like he originally thought. She sits in a chair beside John's … er … Spades's bed with hatred in her eyes. Kanaya sits next to her, trying to keep her under control.

Slowly, but surely, John opens his eyes. At first, it goes unnoticed by everyone; when he makes small moan, everyone looks up at him, unsure of what to do. They don't want to overwhelm him right after he wakes up—like he wasn't overwhelmed already as it is. Way to go, First Guardian. At first, he is disoriented. As he looks around, he is confused as to why everyone is staring at him, and Rose with a weird anger in her eyes, and Kanaya looking at Rose as to say, "Calm those weird nubs on your swollen pectoral masses."

And then it hits him.

Like two semis colliding head on at a hundred miles per hour.

How could he possibly forget that he has a certain red-eyed mutant teenage human Strider to destroy? Rather easily, apparently. With a sudden push up off the bed, he rises to his feet, suddenly aware of a severe burning sensation between his legs. This is probably a good time for him to rethink Terezi's suggestion to get tested for any STD, though everyone is pretty sure Karkat doesn't have anything. What John is feeling now, however, points toward the contrary. Somewhat fortunately for him, though, it is only severely burned. He should not have slipped and knocked that pot of flaming scotty dog soup on himself.

Nevertheless, his sudden Strider bloodlust is motivation enough for him to ignore the sensation, no matter how painful, and keep moving. Meanwhile, everyone else in the room has no idea whether to applaud for being able to do so much after just waking up from a rather short coma, well, just a coma all together, and with burns somewhat nowhere near being completely healed, or whether to get him to lay his ass back down in bed and wait for them to take him back home. They obviously choose the latter, but not until John unintentionally gave away his intentions. Sometimes when you're mad, you just can't help but to mumble to yourself your intentions, no matter how hard you try to keep it a secret.

Once Jade grabs him to lead him back to the bed he begins to struggle. He fights against her the entire way, well, at least up Roxy and Terezi come over to help. Then he struggles against all three of them. Rose sits out of the struggle because she would much prefer John to do what he was just mumbling, which involves a lot of blood and pain and gore and possibly a death sentence. Kanaya sits out to make sure Rose remains sitting out. Soon after John is taken by the group, the struggle escalates to using claws and whatever means necessary. He even begins cussing everyone out and scratching and even rips a little skin off Roxy's forearm.

Even with three people holding him back, John is incredibly difficult to push back. He signed up for athletic P.E. in school, though he doesn't do any sports. Instead, he did it just to stay in shape. And stay in shape he did, along with build up strength, which never showed itself in any sort of muscular form. But he is strong nevertheless, and he is using it to his own advantage.

After minutes of struggling, the two girls and the troll are unable to hold him and let go, allowing John to rush out of the room and down the hall. He makes his way over to the front door and busts through, not even bothering to make sure it's unlocked—which it wasn't. Just one more thing for Diamonds to fix.

The crowd of news reporters and police jump back in shock at the seemingly rabid troll that has just made its way through a locked door. John seems not to notice, and the only calm person there seems to be Diamonds, who, after a couple hours of holding back police and news reporters, has had enough excitement for the rest of his own miserable life, so when the troll finds his way to Ms. Paint's van, he pulls out a revolver. John tries his best to hotwire the vehicle before he can be caught, considering he actually pays attention in auto shop unlike the rest of his class, but Diamonds beats the crowd by a good shot and a half, and John falls to the ground, not necessarily unconscious, but paralyzed, at the very least. Diamonds makes his way though the stunned crowd and drags John by his feet back into the building. He meets the kids and trolls and Ms. Paint in the living room just inside the broken door. "I'll give it back so long as you promise to get rid of it _now._" He gives the group an annoyed glare.

The kids nod nervously, and take John back from the carapacian. Ms. Paint leads them out through the kitchen, and past a rather annoyed Spades, who just sips on his coffee and does nothing to stop them. He does, however, flips them the bird as they pass. It's just his way of expressing his appreciation. He offers no help when the group of kids and trolls and Ms. Paint try to get John, whose limp body seems heavier for some reason, into Mom's minivan. They thank Ms. Paint for taking relatively good care of John while they were on their way over and drive off, leaving the white carapacian behind with a few tears in her eyes. The moment, however, is ruined when Spades orders her to get the fuck off her ass and clean the genetic material off his bed.

Rose is perfectly happy to be behind the wheel of her mom's minivan. But eyebrows are raised when she drives in the opposite direction of the hospital. "Well, that's his problem," she replies when Kanaya asks her how she expects Dave to get back. She carries a proud smirk on her face as they slip by everything completely unnoticed and make their way back on the interstate toward home, though she had no idea about Jake's encounter with Karkat …

.

* * *

.

"So, Karkat, please refresh my memory. It is your lusus-in-legality that is the one who kicked you out, correct?" Kankri attempts to talk to the now human Karkat, who is finally getting dressed after waiting a few hours in the closet. He does, however, have a newfound hatred toward Other Bro. Seriously, who shouts, "Tadaaaa," when someone comes out of the closet? That's just rude.

Karkat emerges a couple minutes later wearing the light blue pants that John had convinced him to buy and his signature black sweatshirt with a grey cancer symbol. "This doesn't look right," he grumbles when he walks out of Dave's bedroom.

"Oh, that's just because you're used to seeing yourself dressed like that as a troll," Kankri scolds him. "You look fine." Karkat won't admit it, or even show it, but he's actually proud of his dancestor for not talking at great lengths like he usually does. They grow up so fast.

But what the human doesn't know is that they all plan on taking him back to John's house. This is the reason Kankri wants to make sure that it was John's dad who did this. That way he knows who to lecture. Karkat, however, is dreading the moment when he and John see each other again, though he has no idea that that is sooner than he thinks. He becomes a little suspicious when he is blindfolded. However, he is told that he's being taken to a very special place that can set him up with clothes that are better suited for humans. His suspicions come from the fact that the special place could be any freaking store that sells clothes, considering trolls are hated in society.

As soon as they arrive, Viceroy runs out the door and proceeds to vomit in the beautiful Zen garden in front of the porch. "Well, I guess we'll be doing some work before John gets back," Other Bro says with a slight grimace.

"I'm terribly sorry," Viceroy begins before vomiting again. "One person can only hold so much alcohol." He dry heaves at the mention of such a horrendous substance. "If you want to know … ," dry heave, "talk—talk to Jane."

"Okay … ," Casey begins. "Is it at least _safe_ for _me_ to go in there?" Viceroy only gives a nod in response, which seems to be too much as he vomits again. The group walks into the house with Karkat still blindfolded. They added earplugs so that he would be completely unaware of the events up until they are ready to unveil to him where he is. Other Bro walks him upstairs into his and John's room where the human is set in a soft chair that only John sat in. Karkat honestly hated that chair and never went anywhere near it, so it was helpful in allowing him to not know where he is. To seal everything, he is handcuffed and footcuffed(?), and Other Bro places a clothespin on his nose so that he won't be able to smell anything. Other Bro takes an earplug out of Karkat's left ear to tell him that he'll be right there in the room with him and to just stay put. He'll find out where he is soon enough. After that is said, the earplug is put back, and Other Bro walks out and locks Karkat in his room. Well, he doesn't actually lock the door so much as wedge coins between the door and doorframe, but oh well. It makes the door damn near impossible to open and that works for him.

Downstairs in the dining room, Jane is trying to nurse a severe hangover. She really thought she was done with those after Trickster Mode. Casey, trying to get back on Jane's good side, has gotten the latter a glass of water. She really doesn't need this. Her blood-alcohol concentration had to be at least 1, or at least that's what she figures. Viceroy must be a veteran drinker if he can stand this much alcohol in one night. She should've known better, considering she can't even withstand a tiny little lick of a lollipop without going batshit crazy and suffering from severe dehydration. Well, at least alcohol-drunkenness isn't contagious.

.

Back at Chez Strider/Pyrope, Bro sews Dirk's leg and foot back up, but refuses to clean up the mess left behind, leaving a severely weakened Dirk to clean up his own blood. Though Dirk never was before, he feels as though he is now a hemophobe.

"You are pathetic, you know that," an all-too-familiar voice startles Dirk, who turns to find the Knight of Blood sitting on his bed. "But I do not, in any form of the word, _pity_ you. You are despicable and disgusting. And I hate you in a completely platonic way." Dirk just flips him off because he feels to weak to talk. "Ooh, I'm so intimidated," the Knight mocks. "Now, listen. John will be here in less than ten hours, and you are by no means in good enough shape to kill him. He is a full troll now and has strength to rival that of the adult incarnation of you. In other words, he could crush you with one hand. Now, I'm going to heal your leg and return your blood to you, but don't think you can get out of this deal by slicing it open again!" With that said, the Knight snaps his fingers and Dirk's blood soaks through his skin and back into his veins. The sewed up gash on his leg heals, leaving only a scar behind, and in minutes, he's feeling stronger again.

He raises his head to say "Thank you" to the Knight, but the latter beats him to speaking. "Just so you know, Jake didn't actually cheat on you. Jane wouldn't allow him to be distracted from the goal of tormenting poor little Casey." This visibly settles Dirk. He even feels stupid for ever doubting the weird, Australian-accented boy. "But, just for motivation, John wants to kill him. Have fun." The Knight gives a crooked smile and disappears, leaving Dirk alone to train for the next several hours.

.

* * *

.

Skipping ahead a few hours, John wakes up in the minivan. He fell asleep because there was simply nothing better for his paralyzed body to do. Well, at least his burns are healed completely, save for the one on his naughty parts. But fortunately, Ms. Paint slipped a small bucket of that earwax-sopor slime into the back of the van, so he just applies some to the area of burn and enjoys its cooling sensation. Only a few more hours and he'll be home, and healed. He looks over and sees that no one has noticed he isn't paralyzed anymore. Perhaps Dave is already back home. If not, there's always Jake to take care of first.

.

* * *

.

Skipping ahead a few more hours, back at Chez Crocker/now Vantas, Other Bro goes upstairs to check on Karkat, only to find that the human has fallen asleep. Other Bro has told everyone to be quiet until he returns downstairs, so it is safe to pull out the earplugs, which is what he does first. This wakes Karkat up, and the human wonders what's going on. "Shh, it's alright. I'm just going to undo everything here, and you'll see where you are." Other Bro takes off the clothespin next, which gives sweet release to the pain that Karkat had not even noticed. Next off are the handcuffs on both his wrists and ankles, and finally the blindfold. The sudden rush of light blinds him and he snaps his eyes shut for a couple minutes before he's able to open them and get a good look around. The look on his face is nothing short of stunned, especially when he realizes that he's been sitting his this stupid chair that he hates so much for the past nine and a half hours. The thought disgusts him. "Oh, and, by the way, Rose and the others are going to be here with John in about twenty minutes." Other Bro gives a slight smile and pats Karkat's left arm a couple times before the human fully realizes what has just been said. When the realization hits him like an anvil falling on an egg, he shoves Other Bro out the door and locks himself in his room. There is no way to unlock the door from the outside, so only he can unlock it. There is no way he is about to let John see him like this. "Aw, Karkitten," Other Bro tries to coax Karkat out.

"Go the fuck away," Karkat shouts back through the door.

"But you haven't told me what's wrong," Other Bro complains.

"There is no fucking way John is going to see me like this, you understand that?" Karkat crawls up on the bed and hides himself under the covers. A single tear slips from his eye.

.

"Yeah, we probably shouldn't have told him that John was going to be here," Other Bro says as he walks down the stairs into the kitchen.

"Why," Casey asks.

"Well, he won't come out. I don't know why, but he won't." Other Bro sits in the chair that Jane has long since given up to go lie down. Viceroy, though not having a hangover, agrees that's probably a good idea, considering that his stomach isn't the calmest thing ever at this point in time. Take that as a lesson, kids—even if you do posses the powers of the Horrorterrors, it isn't a good idea to consume several gallons of alcohol.

A few minutes later, Dad walks through the front door. After like, two days of being trapped in the bakery, he is wore out and promptly collapses on the couch. You know there's something wrong when the first thing Dad does when he gets back from the bakery is anything but grabbing his pipe and lighting it. Casey runs into the living room to give him a hug after not seeing him for a while, but he just pushes her off and tells her to wait until he isn't as tired. This makes the ten-year-old sad, but she understands. She doesn't really know why he's so wore out, but whatever. She'll wait to attack.

Several more minutes pass, but not twenty. Excuse Rose for being ever so slightly off on her calculations. It's difficult to tell how traffic is going to be. But anyway, she pulls into the now Crocker/Egbert/Vantas household. The slamming of the driver and passenger doors is heard by everyone, and everyone except for Dad, Karkat, Jane, and Viceroy go out to see Rose, Roxy, Kanaya, and Terezi picking a seemingly limp John up by all four of his limbs and carrying him toward the house. His gray skin has gotten a few shades darker since he was captured, and not because of the burns. His messy hair has gotten thicker and fuller. His horns have gotten wider and slightly longer, and his claws have gotten noticeably longer and razor sharp, as dictated by the bandage on Roxy's arm. Jake is just now finishing up with the Zen garden because, you know, it's kind of hard to make a mistake look like it never happened without having to fix the entire freaking thing. As he looks at John as the troll is carried onto the porch and into the house, he can see John staring back at him with a certain hatred in his eyes that can't even be matched by Lord English. This makes him rather nervous, and he isn't sure whether to tell the others or just pass it off as his imagination. He decides to tell the others.

"Yeah, we know," Rose replies when he tells. "He was sedated before we brought him back. We don't know how much longer it will last, but it would probably be a good idea for you to go away for a little while—just to let him cool off." Jake nods and starts walking out of the front door. "And make sure you go somewhere where you know you're safe. He is quite stong!" As soon as Jake steps off the porch he takes off, beelining to Chez Strider/Pyrope. Too bad Sollux is nowhere to be found at the current moment.

Dad has no idea what all that was about, and he doesn't want to know, so he just falls asleep on the couch before he can see John. John, on the other hand, snaps out of the charade and dashes through the kitchen and up the stairs. He's had enough of exposing himself. Jake will have to wait until he gets dressed. But when he gets to his door, it won't open. He pounds on it and does whatever he can, but it doesn't open. "Alright, who the fuck locked the door?!" When no one answers him, he becomes even more irritated and pounds on the door some more. Then he tries something he hadn't thought of. He takes his claw and carefully shoves it in between the door and doorframe, dragging it along until it finds the latch. He carefully maneuvers his claw in front of the latch until he can push it back in the door. It takes him a couple tries, but he finally accomplishes it. He pushes the door open and slips inside, closing it behind him and making sure that it locks. He doesn't want anyone to walk in on him, though he has absolutely no part of his body to hide at this point. He makes his way around the bed and to the dresser, unaware of the human hidden beneath the covers. Under said covers, Karkat shifts the blankets slightly to hide his face more. He bites his lower lip as more tears come out of his eyes. He knows how well a troll's sense of smell is, and he hopes that this troll doesn't smell him, or, at the very least, can't.

For a moment, it seems as though Karkat will go by completely unnoticed. That is, until John looks over and notices that the blankets are all together on the bed in a pile, which is weird because he and Karkat have separate blankets. They never share blankets for any reason, except for … well, you know. He reaches down and pulls his blankets—the top six blankets—off the pile, but when he looks back, he notices that Karkat's eight blankets are in a pile that couldn't possibly exist with how much they're spread out. He slowly reaches his right hand down and quickly removes the blankets, revealing the intruder lying on the bed.

.

"So … ," Kankri begins, handing the new arrivals a few cups of coffee, "What happened to John?"

"It's a long story," Jade says. "If you want to know why he's so violent all of a sudden, ask him. It could simply just be a side effect of this, but I don't know."

"Yes, he seems to be hostile only toward Dave and Jake. We don't know why," Rose continues from where Jade left off. "Well, I might know the reason for his hostility toward Dave, but I'm not quite sure." She sips on her coffee.

"Would that reason happen to be the same as what you are pissed about," Jade asks.

"Yes."

"Okay, I don't mean to meddle, but what would this reason be," Kankri asks. Rose hesitates for a minute before telling the triggerTracker. Kankri's eyes go wide at the explanation. He thinks he may have another person to lecture.


	37. Chapter 36

"Mr. Egbert," Roxy attempts to get the tired Dad's attention. All he wants to do, however, is sleep. On the couch. Because he's too freaking tired to get up and walk to a more comfortable area, say, the floor. "Wouldn't you rather sleep in your bed?"

"I would like that, but I can't move," Dad moans in response, not moving his face from its position buried in the couch pillow.

"Kankri, take Mr. Egbert upstairs!" To this, the troll groans. He can't lecture the poorly-rested human because said human would fall asleep on him, and he sure doesn't want to go anywhere near him, but since he must, in order to not trigger anyone, he will. He picks Dad up and carries him bridal style upstairs to his room, where he drops the human on his queen-size bed. Unknown to Dad, Viceroy takes up the other side of the bed, and that jolt did not help to settle his alcohol-supersaturated stomach. He would just use his majyyk enyrjjies to fix it, but he doesn't feel well enough to use them at all. He leans over the side of the bed, holding a bucket right under his face in case of geysers. The sight of his face over the bucket makes Kankri cringe in disgust. "Do you need help getting under the blankets," the troll asks Dad.

"No, I think I can get it from here," Dad replies and the troll leaves. Dad slowly covers himself with the blankets, disturbing Viceroy but not seeming to notice.

.

* * *

.

The minute John saw Karkat lying in his bed, he wasn't sure how to react. At first it was terror at an intruder. Then it was relief that he was okay. Then it was complete happiness. But Karkat didn't feel the same. For the human, it was the opposite. He felt hear, then embarrassed, then shame. He couldn't even look at John—at the monster he created, and John saw this. There weren't many times when one had to be comforted by the other, but somehow, he just knows what to do.

John slowly gets in the bed and hugs Karkat from behind, burying his face in the back of the human's neck. He stays like this for a minute or so before grabbing the latter's hand and pulling it up over his shoulder. John moves his own head to an angle so that he can kiss it. This gets no response from the human, however, so then he just asks what's wrong. He gets no response from Karkat, which means that there's definitely something wrong and he doesn't want anyone to know, So John lifts his head so that his mouth is next to Karkat's ear and asks if he wants to talk about it because, you know, people who don't say what's wrong typically always want to talk about it. Unsurprisingly, Karkat shakes his human head without saying anything and pulls his hand out of John's.

The truth of it is Karkat does want to talk about it. However, he sounds absolutely horrible. Yes, he can talk, but it literally sounds like he's been gargling rough sandpaper. His vocal cords just have to loosen up a little bit more before he dares talk in front of John. It's not that he's self-conscious. He's just paranoid—paranoid that any little thing would cause John to leave him and leave him completely alone. Alone and useless. Completely useless. And Completely alone. Was "alone" mentioned yet? Who knew that the fierce Karkat Vantas was afraid of anything? You didn't.

"You know, if it makes you feel any better, I already knew you were a human now," John says softly, trying to get the other to talk. When Karkat doesn't respond, John continues on. "Would you like to hear about what happened to me?" All he gets is a nod, so he talks some more. "Well, at first, I locked myself in here because I was so pissed at dad, and somehow Jane talked her way in. So me and her talked for a while and then Jake came over and took her place. I was actually starting to feel a little bit better with him here, you know, with the way he used to talk and everything—he was talking that way to me then. I think it was just because he wanted to make me laugh and get my mind off the separation or something.

"But anyway, I came downstairs for some chicken, and I ate it, then I realized that it was raw, which made me just think 'Ew, I just ate a piece of raw chicken.' Have you ever done that … wait, you've eaten grubsauce, or whatever it's called, so don't answer that." Like Karkat was going to anyway. "Anyway, Jake noticed the chicken was raw and just about threw up over it, so he ran out. After a little while, I was kind of worried so I went out to look for him and Casey snuck up behind me and beat me in the head with a skillet. Then I guess she dragged me over and threw me down the steps and called the Midnight Crew, who came by and took me away." A few hours later I was put in a different van and taken the rest of the way. That carapacian was actually pretty nice. But I think Spades may be abusive toward her. But anyway, When we got there, she started making this soup—I guess she called it "licorice scotty dog soup?" but she put too many licorice scotty dogs in and it blew up. While I was helping and trying to put out the fire, I slipped on a wet part of the floor and knocked the pot down on top of me. Wow, you know, when you touch your own, it doesn't really feel all that weird, but when you touch someone else's, no matter who it is, it just feels weird, like, unnatural. Have you ever noticed that? It just doesn't feel right. When I still had one, I touched it, no problem, and never gave a second thought. Wow, that sounded really wrong, but now that you have one, it just feels weird. It could be that I'm used to feeling the tentacles … ," While John was talking, his hand had subconsciously found its way down Karkat's pants and started fondling his human genitalia. "Yeah, I'm assuming you still like this? I mean, if you don't want me to, you know, play with it while we lie here like when you were a troll, I can stop." Karkat nods his head, and John takes his hand out of his pants and continues to just hug the human. "Now, where was I … oh. So, anyway, then I was covered in this flaming liquid. I always did like flambés. I just never thought I would ever become one. But I did. So she took me to the shower and I cooled off and then she took me out about twenty or so minutes later and slapped me with a bunch of burn cream and bandaged me." John stops to take a breath. Yeah, you didn't think he would, did you?

It breaks Karkat's human vascular pump to hear this. How could his matesprit go through all this and not once have received any help from him? That is another reason why Karkat never wants John to leave, or vice versa. He doesn't want anything to happen to one of them and not have the other to help. He begins to cry some more, but he doesn't let John know.

"So, I just laid there, completely bandaged up and in the dark because she wrapped my face up too. A little while later she brought me soup and started panicking because I wasn't awake, but I was awake, so I was confused, and you know, kind of in a coma. Do you know what a coma is? I'll have to tell you what it's like someday. But anyway, some while later, that creepy First Guardian guy stopped by my subconscious and gave me sopor slime, which, as it turns out, is pudding. So it tasted amazing, unlike what you always say. But he told me something about a 'psychic entanglement' thing that means that you felt what I felt or whatever. So I guess you did kind of know what happened to me. Then I woke up and started going crazy and murderous toward Jake and Dave, the former of which I'm going to pay a violent visit once we're done here, and was sedated or whatever by that one carapacian that always looks like he doesn't give an oversized squeakbeast's ass about anything … wow, I'm even talking like a troll now … but then I was brought back and now I'm here with you." He reaches his head around and kisses Karkat's cheek, not noticing that the latter is crying. But why would John be murderous toward Jake and Dave, the human wonders.

After a couple minutes, Karkat turns back around and curls into John, who just hugs him tighter and finally notices the tears. Instead of asking what's wrong, he just mumbles soft, comforting words in Karkat' ear and hugs him tighter. Eventually, Karkat falls asleep, and John can't bring himself to leave, so he just lies there for a while. And exactly, one unspecified unit of time later, Other Bro comes a knocking on the door and asks if everyone's all right in there, considering that John has been up there for a while and they're concerned over whether or not he's eaten Karkat or just fucking him. John just shouts for him to go the fuck away and leave them alone. This startles Karkat out of his peaceful slumber in the troll's arms, which annoys John because he was enjoying that sight, and he scolds Other Bro for that, not knowing that Other Bro went back downstairs to talk some more with Rose, Roxy, and Jade. Terezi and Kankri just went off to do their own thing. After his rant, John turns back to Karkat. Both of them fall asleep peacefully together, reunited in their bed.

.

* * *

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Back over at the Strider/Pyrope household, the younger iteration of Bro prepared to execute his end of an agreement. The Knight was right, though. John wanting to kill Jake is a great source of motivation. He arms himself with two katanas—one being the gold-plated one, and the other being a regular shitty katana. The regular katana is just for backup. A deal this important must be executed with the finest of tools. A golden katana is the ultimate choice weapon for the job.

Dirk slips out of the house unnoticed and begins running toward the Egbert/Crocker/Vantas home. About halfway there, something pops up right in front of him and knocks him back onto his ass. All he sees is just a flash of white before he lands. He quickly rolls over and hops up onto his feet, drawing the backup katana to fight. He looks around, but sees nothing, so he keeps moving ahead, wary of his surroundings. As he runs, the creature suddenly pops up in front of him again, knocking him back, but not on his ass, like last time. Instead, Dirk quickly regains his footing and lunges himself at the creature, which disappears and—

Enter Name: **This is my story, not yours. Shut up**

—and reappears with it's body completely encasing Dirk, leaving only his right foot and the katana blade sticking out of its front and back respectively. It stays like this before it disappears, throwing Dirk into an oak tree fifteen feet away. As the young Strider slips into unconsciousness, the creature appears once more and crouches down next to Dirk, whose eyes are closed. And the last thing the boy hears before he slips out of consciousness is "Never accept a deal with a devil."


	38. Chapter 37: Found Out

_Wait, since when did the doors have locks?_

John has lived in this house ever since about a day after they entered the universe, and for that entire time, the doors, save the bathroom door and front door, have had exactly zero locks on them. The sad part is that this is the second time he's had to use the locks. Yeah, he always was a few neutrons short of an isotope. And therefore, the result of there mysteriously being locks cannot be placed on the author's own forgetfulness about the finer details. But none of you noticed that.

As of right now, and you have most likely noticed this already, John is pondering why there are locks on the doors all of a sudden. He quickly gets bored with this and goes back to whatever he was doing … whatever that was. Something about dreaming about being with Karkat … wait, was it a dream? John looks to where the human was in his arms when he had fallen asleep. But all that is there is air. He is also lying in a full-size bed, rather than the queen he had been in when he'd fallen asleep. But the room is the exact same. Every other aspect of the room is the same. The only difference is that Karkat is gone and John isn't a troll anymore. Maybe it was all a dream—turning into a troll and the queen-size bed. Perhaps if he goes downstairs, everything will be normal.

No, no. Normal is apparently too much to ask for, is it? When he goes down the few steps leading from the hallway into the kitchen, he is greeted with a neglectful "Oh, Sleeping Beauty's awake," from Jane, who is busy baking a cake.

"Jane, what's going on here," John asks.

"Nothing. You just woke up. You and dad were upstairs taking naps so I decided to bake a couple cakes to pass the time." Jane seems confused at John's question. Doesn't he remember anything?

"No, I'm talking about Karkat. And everyone else."

"Well, I don't know about this 'Karkat,' but everyone else is probably doing what they usually do around this time." Now it's John's turn to be confused. Was his entire sex—love life a complete dream about some random, nonexistent person, or troll, or whatever? "What about Casey," John asks quickly.

"John, who are you talking about," Jane says as she pulls a freshly baked cake out of the oven. "What the hell were you dreaming about up there?" Jane gets this confused look on her face and goes over to the phone to call Rose when she sets the cake down on a cooling rack. John walks over and sits down on the couch, leaning forward and resting his head in his hands, which are propped up on his knees by his elbows. A few minutes later, Jane tells him that she and Rose set up an appointment to see a famous hypnotist—Viceroy Bubbles Von Salamancer—about finding out what his problem is, considering that he always wakes up and starts asking weird questions about these weird "trolls" and stuff.

A few hours later, everyone is gathered in the living room awaiting for Viceroy to show up. He shows up about five minutes later, and introduces himself to everyone. When he sits down next to John on the couch, he tells everyone to be quiet, and for John to calm down and relax, clear his mind, and imagine himself in a meadow, full of flowers and butterflies on a nice, warm, sunny day with a cool breeze. John is completely under in a minute, and Viceroy begins to ask him questions pertaining to these weird people he's been discussing. "Now, one last thing," Viceroy begins as he concludes the session, "What's going through your mind right now?"

"Well, that's easy," John says with a slight chuckle, "I'm wondering why the doors all have locks." The word "locks" seems to echo through the room.

_Wait, since when did all the doors have locks?_

_._

"John! John, wake up!" Karkat is shaking John a little bit violently. John doesn't respond right away, but eventually wakes up after a few minutes with people gathering around the door, trying to get in to see what Karkat is so worked up about. When John gets over the shock of being violently shaken awake by someone who sounds like they need a bunch of oil poured down their larynx, he reaches over and grabs his spare glasses out of his nightstand. He puts them on to see what? A really worried Karkat who just so happens to be human. And, John never thought he would ever say this, but he's glad to be a troll. He wasn't able to get a really good look at Karkat before, considering his vision is incredibly blurry without his glasses, so with this new look that Karkat has decided to try, well, it isn't really working out for him. He should go back to being a troll. But right now, John doesn't care—like he would anyway. He's overjoyed to see Karkat, like, actually see him, and not be in some weird, twisted dream. He jumps on top of the worried human to give him an extremely tight bear hug, almost suffocating him. Well, at least Karkat now knows that John isn't going to leave him.

John can feel that Karkat is a little stressed. Okay, a lot stressed. And that gives him an idea. He whispers into Karkat's ear before he lets go of the human to sit up. Karkat's eyes go wide at the suggestion, and he gives John a questioning look. John only smiles mischievously and grabs a hold of the human's shirt, pulling him in and connecting their faces. The two don't stop their tonsil hockey match as Karkat climbs on top of John to begin their … well, John's … uh-new fantasy. Needless to say, they have forgotten the knocking on their door.

Outside the door, everyone that has cared enough to gather around to see what's wrong, which would include, and be limited to: Other Bro, Rose, Jade, Roxy, and Casey, are sorta-kinda-not-really-but-still shooed away by moans emanating from inside the room of the two reunited matesprits. Other Bro knows these particular moans oh so well, and clasps his hands over Casey's ears to keep her from hearing. She gives him a confused look in return, to which he mouths "I'll explain later," right back. Rose, Jade, and Roxy all get surprised looks on their faces. After a minute they all begin to giggle a little bit. Why? Who knows? All they know for certain is that John and Karkat are screwing and they are being a bunch of pervs and listening to it. When they can silence their giggling, they can hear the bedframe creaking with each thrust of whosever hips is on top (Karkat). This of course, makes them giggle more, but they feel absolutely horrible about it. They know it isn't right, but they can't help it. It's just too entertaining to not listen to. If only Jane could be listening. Or better yet, Cronus. They wait for a few minutes before one of the two in the room (John) shouts out the other's name in sweet release. Karkat, however, takes about thirty more seconds.

Back in the bedroom, Karkat lies on top of John, bodies hot against each other and hearts/vascular pumps pounding heavily. That was certainly a new experience for them, and Karkat regrets none of it. John doesn't either, until they hear the giggling of a certain three girls just outside the door. Well, that moment has just been ruined, but the two aren't going anywhere. They are perfectly comfortable as they are. They can face their embarrassment when everyone leaves. What embarrassment? No one knows; everyone will be gone by time they come out.

Unfortunately, The girls have a different idea. They want to be there when the two matesprits come out of their bedroom, fully clothed and pretending nothing ever happened. So they go join Kanaya in the living room and Other Bro brings them a few coffees. After he delivers the coffees, he takes Casey somewhere else in the house and explains to her, in a way a child would understand, what exactly was happening in that room. He advises her that it's probably not a good idea to touch their bed sheets any time before they are washed in perchloric acid and disposed of as though they were toxic waste, which they pretty much are at this point, or at least they are in Other Bro's shaded crimson eyes. He has such a way with words, doesn't he?

You know whose gears would really be ground by this? No, not Peter Griffin's. The answer is Dad. His gears would most certainly be ground by his half-brother-troll-son banging a human. … Wait, what?

Okay, so perhaps his gears wouldn't be ground by that, but the fact that there are trolls in his house. And John being a troll is just blue genetic icing on the metaphorical cake. … Sorry, I was just thinking too much of what just happened.

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* * *

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Nothing wakes you up faster than a stranger in your bed.

So, Dad was just sleeping, doing what sleeping Dads tend to do when they sleep, and he unconsciously stretches. During this stretching, his hand makes slight contact with the nose of a certain wizard who just so happens to also be sleeping. Of course, when you accidentally touch something that you had no idea was there, the most obvious course of action to be taken is to feel it up, left, right, and down. This is what Dad does, poking and prodding around and even pulling on the nose to make sure it's real, and upon realizing it's a face, wakes up and stares at the intruder with wide eyes. Said intruder somehow remains asleep, and notices nothing. After several minutes of staring, Dad slowly gets up and walks out of the room. He hears a couple people whispering in John's room, but thinks nothing of it. These past few days have been weird enough as it is. He goes down the few steps leading into the kitchen and pours himself a cup of air, which frustrates him because that air is supposed to be coffee. No one messes with Dad's fucking coffee … and cake. Coffee and cake. Messing with those two things is just a big, fat, fucking no no.

As he brews his coffee, he notices yet another intruder. Two of them, actually. One happens to be Kanaya. The other happens to be Terezi. What the fuck happened to no fucking trolls in the house? Breaking that rule is like insulting his baking. It just. Doesn't. Happen.

Ever.

Unless you're John.

Speaking of whom, he has yet to give John a tender, fatherly embrace. Where would that boy be?

Enter Location: BREEDING ARENA

Enter Action: XENOWHOOPEE

Remind me to kill you later. Dad doesn't need to know any of that. He's too stressed out already. Or at least he will be once he finds out John is a troll in 3 … 2 … 1 …

Both John and Karkat are startled by the knocking and shut up immediately. They are unsure how to react when Dad softly calls through the door, asking John if it's okay to open it. Not wanting to take the risk, John quietly whispers a plan into Karkat's ear. John will hide under the bed and Karkat will just keep hidden under the covers and let the former do all the talking. Karkat agrees and hides himself under a bunch of blankets. John quietly unlocks the door and scurries off under the bed before disguising his voice and calling for Dad to open it.

The first thing Dad asks when he walks in is who John was talking to. Now, however, is the time when the troll decides that this may not have been a good idea, and apparently, but also luckily, he didn't talk soon enough and Dad sits on the bed next to Karkat and begins speaking.

"Look, I know you're mad at me; you have every right to be, but don't think for a second that I don't care about you. He was going to hurt you sooner or later. It's just better to end it before it happens. There are plenty of other masculine fish in the testosterone sea." Dad pauses for a couple minutes, slowly rubbing where he thinks John's shoulder is on top of the blankets covering Karkat. The human under the blankets, however, can feel the rage building up inside of him. "You just have to understand that no troll is good in any way. I mean—look at the gods. While I was trapped in the bakery during the flood, a few of the gods got together and answered some questions pertaining to recent events and it was aired on television before the power went out. I guess there is no God after all. But the troll gods didn't look like they were any good. If the creators of this universe are bad, then how can their horned descendants be any better?"

John takes this time to speak up. "Have you met any of them? Do you actually know any of them personally? No, you haven't, and you can't judge them like that until you know. You even had two trolls living here, and they didn't do anything and you banished them forever!" Dads seems to not notice that the voice hasn't even come from under the blankets.

"John, he's one of them—"

"No, not anymore!"

"What?" John doesn't exactly know how to answer, so he just comes out from under the bed and rips the blankets off of Karkat, who glares flaming daggers at Dad.

"Look at us," John hisses. "Do I look like the face of evil? Does Karkat's look like the face of good? No! What do you do now? Your son is a troll and his boyfriend is a human! How does that feel, knowing that you hate your son?!"

"John, I—I What?" The look on Dad's face can be described only as a cross between rage and confusion. "How long have you been a troll?"

"Since this morning! Do you not have any of your 'fatherly love' for me anymore now that I'm this horrible creature that couldn't possibly be up to any good?! Listen to yourself—you are ignorant. Get out of my room." Dad does nothing but sit on the bed. He wants answers and damn it, he's going to get some. Thus the standoff begins.

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**Author: I created a Tumblr account so that I can post things related to the stories like background, setting, and screenshots of minecraft builds of the houses and places involved in the story. You can also ask any questions you might have and I can answer them there as well, so yeah. Just throwing that out there. **


	39. Chapter 38

**Author: I have realized I forgot to mention what the name of the Tumblr account is, but the URL is: "priestoflife - lordamerican .t umblr . com" without the spaces. I'll just be posting things relative to my stories, so ... yeah ... do whatever, I guess.**

* * *

"Okay, Ms. … uh, Paint?" The woman behind the front desk at the hospital hands the white carapacian the release papers. "He'll be down in just a minute. Why are you just now coming down here to get him?"

"I've been caught up in some business around the house," Ms. Paint replies with a half-smile. The woman behind the desk only nods and points the carapacian to a seat, which the latter takes without a word. She sits for about five minutes before Dave finally gets his ass down to the lobby of the hospital.

"So, little Rosie finally decided to come pick me up?" Dave doesn't realize yet that Rose has already taken the others back home. He feels stupid when all he sees is Ms. Paint, who seems to be disappointed. "Shut up and come with me," she says, unamused. "I'm taking you back home. And since it's a ten hour drive, I thought I would help you not get mauled by your former best friend." The last part of that sentence kind of takes Dave by surprise. Kind of because he's a Strider, and Striders don't … oh, just forget it; he was taken aback completely and not Ms. Paint is carrying him out to the van because he's to surprized to move. Why would John not be his best friend … he means, best boy—bro… ?

"Ugh, I have wasted so much money on gas these past few days," Ms. Paint complains after they get on the interstate. Not wanting her to think he doesn't care, because she already seems pissed at him enough, he asks, "Why?"

"A few days ago, I was given a tip by that white cat-dog-thing to leave and head back to the base. So I did, and the next day, the entire city of Lolar was flooded under a hundred feet of blood-red water. Seriously, do you realize how much an electron microscope costs? A lot! And there were like, ten of those in my room at the school when it fucking flooded! I not only wasted over fifteen thousand dollars in microscopes, but I also lost some money to pay that shit off from filling up the damn gas tank!"

"Wait, are you actually a teacher, or what?"

"I am, but during the summer and weeks off I come back up here to spend time with Spades. Sometimes I wonder why I agreed to marry him."

"Woah, just … what? You are married to the Sovereign Slayer?"

"The who?"

"No, the Sovereign Slayer."

"That's what I asked." Ms. Paint is officially confused.

"No, you asked about the Who."

"What? I asked who the 'Sovereign Slayer' is."

_Oh, that would make sense … _"Yeah, that's another name for Jack."

"Who?"

"No, Jack—er, Spades."

"Ah," Ms. Paint says, not wanting to cause any more confusion, she places her attention back onto the road just before she ditches the minivan … again. Well, at least the airbag didn't deploy late this time, as proven by an unbuckled Dave being thrown into the back seat. Seriously, hasn't this universe ever heard of physics? And more importantly, will Ms. Paint ever learn how to drive? You will encounter all these unanswerable questions and more only in this particular story.

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* * *

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Dad is completely obsessed with trolls being evil. "Just take off that stupid disguise already." He does not, in any way, find John and Karkat's situation amusing.

"How can I take off the disguise when it is me?! I can't just rip off my skin! Have you tried it? It's fucking painful!" It is at this point when Karkat has to hold John back from strangling Dad, which is something he doesn't really have a problem with, it's just that John's claws would probably slit Dad's jugular vein and get blood all over their bed. They paid a good amount of boondollars for it and they'll be damned if they let someone's blood ruin it.

The group has been arguing now for about twenty minutes and Kanaya and Terezi have no idea what to do. Fortunately … possibly, but still fortunately … maybe, Meenah busts through the door. "Ever heard of knocking," Terezi says through a mouthful of chips.

"Ever heard of shut the fuck up," the pissed-off Meenah shouts back. "Now, where the fuck is Kankri?"

"I'm sorry, but you want me to shut up, so I can't help you."

"Shut up, Latula look-alike. I was askin' the rainbow drinker."

Kanaya wants no part of this, but she feels as though there is no arguing—especially with it being Meenah, so she just goes on with it. "Why are you so suddenly obsessed with Kankri, might I ask?"

"No you might not ask—"

"But I just did."

"Guuuurl, you betta shut the fuck up and let me talk. He has mah ring."

"Okay, so? You have like, a million rings. What makes this so different?"

"Shh! It just is. It's the most important ring of all, and I'm about to flip my shit, your shit, and everyone else's shit if I don't get it back. Now where the fuck is Kankri?

I don't know, but I think he said something about giving Karkat a ring earlier. He never said what it was, and I don't even think he knew where he even got it, but you might want to check with Karkat and see if he has it."

"Y'all just can't give me a fuckin' break, can ya? Where's Karkitten?"

"He's upstairs with John arguing with Mr. Egbert. Meenah, before you go, you should probably rest. You don't look so good." Kanaya really doesn't care for Meenah, but when someone doesn't look well, her maternal instincts kick in and it's like OCD. She can't help it, and right now Meenah looks like she's struggling to stay off her deathbed, which is ironic because she's already dead. Meenah, however, shrugs her offer off and heads upstairs toward the noise.

The sudden fuchsia seadweller in the room undoubtedly startles Dad. The way Meenah stands makes him nervous. It makes her look like a predator ready to strike, and one wrong move would set off its urge to attack. John and Karkat both just about shit their pants when she speaks in a soft tone, much contradictory to her façade. "Karkat, you wouldn't happen to have a ring that a certain other troll may have given you, would you? Wait, which one of you is Karkat?" Aaaand the nice tone is gone. "Oh for fuck's sake, don't tell me I got the wrong room!"

"You didn't get the wrong room. We just kind of switched species," John says nervously. "By which I mean I'm permanently a troll and he's kind of temporarily a human." Meenah just stares at the two like she's deep in thought. Well, what was the last thing she smoked and when did she smoke it? She doesn't know. Hell, she doesn't even know if she smokes anymore, or ever did at all. "What the anglin' fuck," is her only reply." Instead of searching for answers, she leaves and heads back downstairs to receive some motherly care from Kanaya. She definitely thinks she needs it after what she just experienced.

"So, did you get your ring," Kanaya asks nonchalantly when Meenah returns. She has reclaimed her spot on the sofa and sips a cup of tea. She really wishes Rose would stop drinking alcohol; she just can't stand the taste of that crap.

"No, I just came down here to receive some top o' the line care. But what you have to offer'll have to do." Meenah flops down on the couch across the coffee table.

"What made you change your half of a mind?"

"The fact that those two up there look species-swapped. I think I'm goin' cray cray."

"What are you talking about 'those two?' I thought it was just John." Both Kanaya and Terezi are confused. Keep in mind that they have not yet seen Karkat, and therefore have no idea of his condition. Damn Kankri. He can talk about everything else, but he always leaves before he decided to mention anything important. Perhaps this is why Meenah and her group had to scratch their session.

"Nope. It's the both of 'em. Now, I require a little bit of troll TLC." Kanaya only sighs at the pathetic sight. Meenah can fucking wait at this point.

.

A mile or so away in another house, the Strider residence to be exact, a group composed of both humans and trolls sits in the living room, enjoying the peace and quiet of not having to listen to John, Karkat, and Dad bicker. Somewhere, on the finger of a little girl, is a small, gold ring …


End file.
